TITLE: Drowning in You
DISCLAIMER: And if I told you that Gundam Wing is mine, would you believe me? . . . . . I didnt think so. So why do you even BOTHER to ask?!?!?!
WARNING: 2x1. POV and, uh, ungraceful Heero Yuy (youll see what I mean... *snickers*)
AUTHORS NOTE: Just a short ficlet that popped into my head in the middle of sound class... I hate that class. It is my LEAST favorite and all I do there is doze off while the teacher talks on and on about microphones and XLR cables [i]... and boom operators and why you shouldnt use a Low Cut on your ING mixer... *yawns* Booooooooooooooring! So I decided to let my hand drift on the paper and began to write something... its rather pointless, but still... it made sound class fly by...
Drowning in You
* * *
That day, the day when realization had finally dawned on me, was a dark and cloudy day. I remember there was a storm outside and Wufei muttered something about how the tree in the yard could give way and fall on the roof of our small cabin. I cracked a joke then, saying something about how that bloody storm would swipe the house up in the air and well end up in the land of OZ. Quatre found it funny and giggled, but Wufei just glared at me for being a complete idiot.
A bit late for that, Maxwell, dont you think? He said and I hurried to look away. I ignored him and turned to look at the window. We were sitting in the kitchen, having our small so-called dinner. But I wasnt eating. I couldn't bring myself to put a thing in my mouth. My plate was full and I was watching the wind as it played a vicious game with the defenseless trees, rocking them back and forth. The skies were dark and ominous, thick rain clouds charged with lightning.
But yet, I remember, it was hot. It was mid-summer and the air was thick and hazy. The summer storm that raged outside was a refreshing break after of a hot and dry weather. The wind howled loudly as it ran past our small safe house, the window shades creaking as they swung back and forth. I remember that my dark blue T-shirt was soaked with sweat and my bangs clung to my forehead. It was so hot.
I remember wondering if youre hot too. Or did the heat never bother you? Did you even sweat like other people do? I never saw you hot and sweaty. I never saw your body shivering with cold. I remember wondering, right then, while watching the trees struggle again the wind, I remember wondering if you were even human. None of us agreed on going out on that mission that day, but you did.
I yelled at you before you went. I scolded you for being so rash and going out there on such a stormy day. You had about thirteen miles to cover by foot. You didnt agree to take any sort of vehicle. I remember you said that we were on OZ territory and it will be too risky.
The target is not too far. You said, stashing a flashlight into your bag. I will be able to reach the base by dawn.
I begged you not to go. I told you to wait. I asked you nicely and then threatened you. I leeched onto your foot like a deserted puppy and then tried to punch you in the face when you still insisted on going. Alone.
I can handle it. You said, and then loaded your backpack over your shoulder. You looked me in the eyes then. Your gaze was so blue... so intense... it rendered me speechless. I could do nothing but watch you as you stood there, your eyes on me. Those deep blue, haunting blue eyes.
Please dont go. I finally managed to say. There was this long silence and my heart was pounding strongly against my chest. I didnt understand why. I didnt know. Didnt realize. Why was I so worried about you? You are the Perfect Soldier. The one who never fails, never gives up, never dies, never cries... Youre Super Human. Thats what you are. A simple storm will not stop you. A thousand OZ troops cannot stop you. But yet... I was worried. My palms were sweaty and my heart was beating so fast, I was afraid that it would burst out of my body.
We looked at each other for an eternity. You had this look in your eyes, I couldnt decipher it. I didnt understand it. I didnt realize. I didnt know. I should have, but I didnt.
You left without a word and I watched you go into that storm. Super human, I thought to myself. Is it even possible to be like that? Are you really human?
I didnt know.
* * *
Twenty-four hours passed and no sign of you. The guys left the small kitchen but I continued sitting there, watching the storm. I watched as the skies darkened and lightning lashed through the pitch-black heavens. I watched as the rain covering the windows glistered in the moonlight, but still you didnt come.
Tired and dejected, I fell asleep in my seat, head resting on the kitchen table. That night I dreamed about impossible things that only you could do. I dreamt about your arms bending steel and your fist punching through walls. I dreamt of your legs, running as fast as a bullet then bouncing so high over a tall wired fence. I dreamt of your features. Your face. Your expression never changing as you ran, and hit, and typed and studied and killed. I even dreamt of you laughing, but your expression still didnt change. If it wasnt for my subconscious supplying me with the fact that you were laughing, I never could have told that you were. Always a stony face. An empty expression. Blank features that were always cold, detached and indifferent.
I remember thinking to myself, as I slowly woke up, that you were not human at all.
* * *
The next day, the rain got worse. It was no longer hot and I had to wear a sweater. The winds grew stronger, whistling loudly in my ears. For hours on end I sat there in the kitchen, unmoving, as I listened to the wind howl.
We spent the day listening to radio transmissions, trying to hack into OZ frequencies and see if they caught you. It was just not possible that they did. No one can catch you. No one can defeat you. Youre Super Human. The Perfect Solider. The man who will detonate his own house and wont even blink.
It was just not possible that you were captured. Only humans make mistakes.
The hours went by, and I grew tired from sadness and worry. My mind was working on high gears and gave me no rest. I never did so much thinking like I did that day. So many questions, some philosophical and some idiotic, ran through my head like a raging highway. My hands kept trembling and I felt sick to my stomach. There was this forbidding feeling in the air. Like electricity. The calm before the storm, though the storm was already raging and I just failed to notice. There was a revelation waiting to be found, and I was not sure if I could handle it. Something bothered me beyond the point of restlessness. I was nervous and fearful but I could do nothing about it.
I knew something was about to happen, and it had to do with you. I wondered if you ever felt this nervous. Did you ever sit and anxiously wait something you didnt even know?
Probably not. Only humans do that.
* * *
In the afternoon, Quatre offered that I go to bed, if only for a few hours.
Ill wake you up if well find anything. He promised with a kind smile. I smiled tiredly and nodded my head. I dragged myself out of the kitchen and somehow managed to climb up the stairs and to my room. I collapsed on my bed, and dreamt.
I dreamt of you again. I dreamt of making love to you. I dreamt of our bodies burning together as we moved against each other. I dreamt of your hands on me, in me, all over me. I dreamt of doing the same to you. I dreamt of the smell of our sweat filling the hot air and the sheets rustling in the dark. I dreamt of kissing you, tasting you and holding you. I dreamt of our bodies clashing against each other, sweaty flesh to sweaty flesh, as the storm outside continued to rage.
I rode you like a stallion, faster and faster, thrusting in and out of your body as you called out in both pleasure and pain. I looked down at you through detached eyes, not a single tingle of pleasure coursing through my body.
And I saw your face. Empty as ever. Blank and indifferent as I thrust myself into you. You werent even looking at me. You were not there with me. My soul was reaching out for yours, our bodies joined and desperate for contact, but you werent there. I was making love to something else, not you. It was I and the Super Human on the bed. I was fucking the Perfect Soldier.
I woke up with a scream, my whole body trembling and covered with sweat. My heart was pounding strongly against my chest and I was panting like I just ran a marathon.
I never dreamt such a thing. I never thought of you in that manner. I didnt understand why this dream suddenly came to me. I didnt know. I didnt realize. Could it be that I wanted you? Is that why I cared? Or was it a dream with a different meaning, something beyond the sex?
I didnt know.
I slumped back against my pillow, trying to control my breathing. I wasnt hard. Even though my dream held an erotic theme to it, it was not erotic in any way. There was sex but there was no passion. There was heat but no desire. There were no moans, no panting, just silence. An unbelievable, all consuming silence. My heart throbbed as if bleeding, but otherwise my body showed no response. There was no lust in my dream. There was just a blank face.
I tried to remember the look in your eyes, wondering if it was the same look you gave me then, before you left. I wondered if your eyes were as empty as the look on your face. I didnt get to see your eyes. You were not looking at me, or at least, I dont think that you were. I dont even remember if you had eyes. There was not a trace of cobalt in my dream.
But somewhere in my heart, I was hoping that you were giving me that same look, even though I couldnt see it. Maybe I was too blind to see, or maybe I was just fooling myself into thinking that you are able to look at someone in that way. After all, only humans do that.
* * *
Forty-eight hours after you left, I was still lying in my bed. Alone and depressed, my mind kept playing different scenarios as to what could have happened to you. At one point I remember Quatre peeking into my room, asking if I wanted to eat. I think he mentioned making my favorite vegetable pie, but I really didnt care at the time. I told him Im not hungry. He nodded slowly, his gaze compassionate.
All right, Duo. Ill leave you some leftovers in the fridge. He whispered and then closed the door again, leaving me to my brooding.
I fell asleep once more, and again you were in my dream. I was looking into that face of yours again, that cold beauty that marked your striking appearance. I frowned to myself, but in my dream I suddenly felt free to admit that indeed, I found you beautiful.
I tried to look at your eyes. They were hiding behind your wild chocolate-brown bangs. As hard as I tried to see them, they were always hidden in the shadows.
But I wanted to see them. I wanted to see the look in your eyes. I wanted to know. I wanted to understand. I wanted to drown in that swirling blue pools and sink into you. I didnt want passion. I didnt want lust. I wanted understanding. I wanted to know. I needed to see your eyes. I needed to understand.
I held my breath as you slowly stepped out of the shadows. I was frozen in my spot, unable to move or breathe or think as you slowly raised your head up. The light reflected off your shiny brown hair and I was mystified by the way it moved when you raised your head up to meet my gaze. My eyes were wide and my mouth gaped in anticipation. I could almost feel the intensity of your gaze as you slowly looked up...
And whispered my name.
. . . Duo. . .
I woke up.
I cursed and punched my pillow. I didnt get to see your eyes. They were almost ON me and I didnt see them! I cursed my mind for waking up. I cursed it for not giving me the chance to learn. To know. To look at you and understand.
How could you be so Super Human?
Ironic as it may be, it was the sound of the front door creaking open, that had woken me up from my sleep. My eyes flew wide open as I strained my ears to listen well. It was the middle of the night and the air was still. Everything was quiet. I held my breath and listened.
I could hear the sound of your silent footsteps, padding softly on the ground floor.
You were back.
And all I could think of that moment was that I had to see you. I had to see your eyes.
I wanted an answer.
I threw my covers aside and ran down the stairs.
I stopped when I saw a weak light was coming from the kitchen. Panting quietly from my run, I took a moment to just breathe. I watched the faint light spill out of the kitchen, illuminating the floor. I could hear some rattling coming from inside the small kitchen.
Slowly, I walked down the rest of the stairs. I held my breath as I approached the doorway. I suddenly had the urge to approach you stealthily. I didnt know why, I just did. The situation did not demand secrecy, but still, I kept my steps light and silent, and my breath unheard as I carefully peeked into the kitchen.
Again there was some rattling and I turned my gaze towards the sound.
I saw you standing by the open refrigerator. The only light in the kitchen was the dim light of the refrigerator, washing over your thin form. You were clad in your usual tank top and spandex, the green shirt a bit torn and the shorts dirty with mud. You had only one shoe on your feet, a slim white leg wearing nothing but a muddy white sock. Your other sneaker was in no better shape. When I looked carefully, narrowing my eyes, I could see a long gash on your left knee and another one on your right shoulder. Dry blood was staining your arm. Other small cuts covered your skin, all over. My guess was that you ran through the woods during the storm, attacked by dozens of sharp branches.
I turned my attention at what you were doing.
And I felt my heart sink, painfully.
You were standing in front of the fridge, dirty, tired and bleeding, and in your hand, was my leftover pie. You devoured it, your movements hasty and desperate, hunger the only thing controlling you. I know that feeling all too well. I know the need that awakes in you when your body is desperate for food. I know that feeling when you finally put something into your mouth and your body awakens with each savage bite. The urge to eat as much and as quickly as you can, before theres nothing left. The yearning to fill the black hole in your stomach until you can no longer move. That all consuming hunger... your body acting on nothing but instincts.
I stood there silently, watching you as you ate. I focused on your hands as you picked up a large chunk of the pie and brought it to your mouth. My eyes did not sway from the sight of your fingers, long and pale and covered with dry blood. The clotted blood was encrusted around and between your fingers, making them stick to each other, but you didnt seem to care. You ate and licked your fingers hungrily, ignoring the chunks of dry blood between your pale digits.
I stood there and watched as you relieved your hunger. I stood there and watched Heero Yuy, not the Perfect Solider, but a human being. A human being driven by need and hunger. Not one bit of you was cool and composed at that moment. Your legs were shaking, probably tired and ready to collapse. Your hands trembled as you brought them up to your lips. You dropped some pie on your chin as you ate but you didnt care. You were sweaty and bleeding and there was nothing that could move you from your place. You were so caught up in what you were doing, that you didnt even register my presence. Normally you would, Im sure. But not that time. Not that night. That night I was the one with the composed features.
I was only able to see your profile from where I stood. It was enough to see your face but not your eyes. I wanted to see your eyes. I wanted to see the need in your eyes. I wanted to see the humanity in your eyes. I wanted to see you, so I could finally understand.
And then, all of a sudden, you stopped. As if finally sensing that you were being watched.
I held my breath as I saw your shoulders tensing. You slowly put your hand down, the pie apparently forgotten. Slowly, you turned to face me.
And my world turned upside down. The floor gaped wide open and I was falling. I descended down quickly, the blackness and wind rushing past me. I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss, invisible winds pulling me back and forth, up and down and to the sides. They swirled and toyed with me, and I was drowning. I gasped, trying to breathe, but the turmoil would not let go. I was drowning in an ocean of cobalt and blue. I was unable to look away from the eye of the storm as it looked straight into me.
I could finally see your eyes. They were looking into mine and I was speechless.
I saw you. I finally saw you.
I think it was the first time that I saw you, Heero Yuy.
It was then that I realized.
It was then that I knew.
I no longer had a doubt in my mind. My question had been answered and this sense of peace was finally bestowed upon me. The anxiousness and anxiety were gone. My heartbeat was calming down and my breath even. My palms were no longer sweaty and I didnt feel sick anymore.
Youre as human as they get. Just like me, you are of flesh and blood. You might hide it better than the rest of us, but its the look in your eyes that gives that act away. Those cobalt pools cannot fool anyone. They are the windows to your soul. The soul of a human, just like me. The soul of Heero Yuy.
In there, I saw your strength. Your willpower and resolve. Your determination to succeed. Your loyalty and devotion. Your ruthlessness and your compassion. Your callousness and sensitivity. Feelings that were so contrary to one another that it almost hurt for me to see them.
But I looked deeper. Beyond many masks and layers. I let myself be pulled deeper into the cobalt depths. I wanted to know more. I needed to know more.
I saw your kindness. Your wish to help and give all that you can to others. Your hurt and your sorrow. Your pain and the aching need for joy. Your plea for love. For understanding and acceptance. Your need for forgiveness. For absolution.
I saw your fears. Your constant fear of abandonment. Of not being worthy. Of not being meaningful. Of being left behind. Of being alone. Dying alone. I saw your fear of reaching out, of asking for a helping hand. Your fear of rejection and mockery. Your fear of hurting the ones you love. The fear of not deserving love, but yet I saw the deep yearning for it.
Your eyes were like two beacons, your soul calling out desperately. Two beacons of light in an icy and cold expression.
We looked at each other for the longest of time. I was unable to look away. It was the first time that I was seeing you, and I couldnt stop. Time stood still and nothing existed but us.
Lightning stroke and thunder roared. You gasped and turned your gaze away. I felt like dying. I didnt want you to turn away from me. I wanted, no, needed to look at you. The real you. I just couldnt get enough.
Slowly, you took a deep, long, breath, trying to compose yourself. You used your arm to wipe away the pie off your chin, casting your gaze down and bowing your head. You knew that I saw you; you knew that there were no more masks between us, and you were ashamed.
None of us moved as we waited for the others reaction. We just stood there, in the dark, facing each other but too far to reach for one another. The ticking of the clock echoed loudly in the night, and outside the wind howled. You didnt dare to look up at me, and I felt as if my body was burning with the fear that I will never be able to drown in you again.
Please. I whispered, my voice husky and pleading even to my own ears. Look at me.
You didnt move at first. You continued staring at your feet, your arms dangling lifelessly at your side. But then slowly, hesitantly, you looked up. You raised your head up slowly, careful not to meet my eyes. I held my breath in anticipation, waiting for you to look at me. You kept your head slightly bowed, in a shy and insecure manner, and then carefully lifted your gaze up.
Our eyes met again. Time stood still as we looked at each other once more. And then you smiled. You looked at me, and you smiled. It was this weak and shy little smile, full of uncertainty and fear. Your eyes were shimmering, glistering under the dim light of the refrigerator.
I smiled back, trying to assure you with all my being, that I will not run away. That I am not appalled by what Ive seen. There was this great and overwhelming feeling in my heart. This powerful feeling that only grew as the seconds ticked by. I knew then. I finally realized. I was finally assured that the person I fell in love with, was not an emotionless machine.
I didnt know how I suddenly figured that I loved you. I didnt know and I didnt care. I was happy. I was overpowered by this great feeling of joy. My smile spread wider, one of these big goofy smiles that you just cant stop. My heart was beating faster, my hands were shaking and my eyes filled with tears. Realization was a powerful feeling as it dawned on me all at once.
I took a step forward, still smiling at you. You shied away then, taking a small step back, but I stopped you. I took your hands in mine and held them up to my heart. We were standing close to each other, so close that I could feel your breath against my skin as it quickened. You looked up into my eyes, your own eyes so large and vulnerable all of a sudden. Your expression was no longer blank and void. It was fearful and full of anxiety.
I squeezed your bloodstained hands and smiled at you.
Next time, I whispered, seeing the nervousness and worry in your his eyes. I leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on your lips. I then withdrew and looked into your eyes. Next time, please dont go out alone. You dont have to anymore.
Your deep blue eyes widened in surprise, and then softened. You sent me another small smile and slowly nodded your head. Hai. You whispered back, your voice choked as if you were crying. And indeed your eyes were glistering with tears.
You didnt let them pour out and hurried to wipe them away. You sniffled and bowed your head, as if in shame. I failed my mission, Duo.
I looked at you compassionately and gently caressed your hair. Its okay. You made a mistake. Everybody does. I placed two fingers under your chin and gently pulled your head up so I could drown in you once more. I smiled kindly and turned to caress your dirty cheek. Its the human thing to do.
You smiled, and gave out a small chuckle. I wanted to whimper as you closed your eyes and leaned into my caress. You nuzzled your face in my palm and I felt my legs turn into jelly.
Im tired. You whispered after some time, and slowly pulled away. You didnt let go of my hand and we walked together towards our shared bedroom.
* * *
And now, Im lying next to you, many weeks later, holding your warm body as you sleep. The sun has barely risen, but I am awake. I indulge in the feeling of your body next to mine, bare skin against bare skin, your arms wrapped around me. I smile and bring you closer to me, nuzzling my face in your sweet hair. I lie here and watch as the first rays of light filter through the white drapes, washing over your handsome features.
Your face is calm, content and almost innocent in this serene atmosphere. The calmness of dawn is all around us and I inhale the sweet and crisp air. Birds come to life out of our window, singing their morning chant. You continue to sleep peacefully in my arms, as I watch you, waiting patiently for you to wake up.
I feel you stir and a smile creeps up my lips. I watch you breathlessly as you slowly stir awake and my breath is stolen away when I see the first crack of striking blue. I smile and lean closer, watching you breathlessly as you open your eyes.
Your thick eyelashes flutter, blinking once or twice before they open fully. I feel you stretch a little in my embrace, and then you turn your head up.
You look at me.
And Im drowning once again. Taken into the depth of your oceans, I swirl and spin and fall deeper into the depth of your eyes.
Good morning, love. I whisper and lean down to kiss your delicate lips.
You smile and kiss me back.
We look into each others eyes and ten eternities fly by. Nothing can outshine this moment. Nothing can be compared to the feeling that takes me over when I look into your shining cobalt eyes, and drown.
Ever since that one rainy night, I know that I was meant to drown in you.
Naomis sound teacher: Naomi! Wake up! What in Hades are you doing?!?!
Naomi: *blinks and looks around* Anou. . . . . . uh. . . . I was. . . uh. . .
Sensei: You were dozing off again, werent you?!
Naomi: *looks at her friends for help*
Friends: *snort and call her a baka*
Naomi: *swallows* Uh. . . . n-no. . . se-sensei . . .
Sensei: Oh yeah?! So what kind of microphone do you need to use while shooting an Extreme Long Shot on an OZ battlefield while you have three Leos, two thousand Tarus dolls and only Wing Zero and Deathscythe are there to fight?!
Naomi: *grins* Thats easy, sir. You dont need to use anything but a small neck mike hidden in one of the Gundams cockpit... Its small enough and it has a wide reception angle, so it will be able to pick all the moans and groans that will go on inside.
Sensei: *pales* M-moans... and... and... g-g-groans..?
Naomi: *hentai grin* Hai sensei. Battlefields make Duo-chan horny.
Naomi: *blinks and scratches her head* What, I gave the wrong answer? @_@???
Naomi. > Who thinks she needs to start listening in sound lessons. . . ^^;;
[i] Ha! I cant believe that you are reading this, but--- I actually fell asleep in sound class once and dreamt about Heero and Duo placing XLR cables all around a large ravine (which is near my house) while being chased by goats and a Bedouin tribesman! Yeah, that was weird... but at least my fav bishis were there... *sighs dreamly*
"Will you be quiet?! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here! Which has nothing to do with love!" The preist, Spaceballs.