8-1-2001

Title: Born Again Bastard
Author: AJ from NZ
Part 1/1
Genre: Songfic… sort of
Pairing: 1x2
Warning: mild expletives; Relena bashing (Relena singing), OOC for pilots
Disclaimer: Both “Born again bastard” and Gundam Wing belong to their respective owners. If you try to take money off me please take a number and get in line.
Notes: my apologies if this sounds slightly weird... it was my first attempt (at anything) and as I have never seen the actual anime series certain characters may seem ooc Born Again Bastard is by Manic Opera, from their CD ‘A Nipple for Your Trouble’. C&C welcome… please.

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The Gundam pilots were gathered in a small smoky bar, looking curiously at the overly ornate gilt embossed invitations in their hands.

“Why here?” asked Duo, squinting slightly in the hazy light. “I can’t understand Relena inviting us all here… this isn’t the normal sort of place for her to hang out in.”

“Hn,” was all that Heero would venture. He had a bad feeling about this… anything cooked up by the ever-so-slightly deranged mind of Relena Peacecraft was definitely suspect.

“Maybe she’ll tell us,” said Quatre.

As he spoke Relena came out and stood on the small stage in front of them. Looking straight at Heero and, aside from a quick glare at Duo, ignoring the others, Relena began to sing, off-key, to a country beat.

He’s just a born again bastard that’s for sure
He’s just a born again bastard I don’t love him any more
And when that born again bastard came to my door last night
It took a born again bitch to put him right.

“Is she talking about you Hee-chan?” Duo frowned slightly. “Cause I can’t see how you had time to go to her door last night… not after I’d finished with you.” He smiled smugly.

“Hn,” grunted Heero, glaring at the pink clad girl prancing about on stage. “I never left the bed… I couldn’t…”

“I know.” Another smug look crossed Duo’s face. The other three pilots looked on amused.

I told him straight I know you’ve been untrue
And it’s too late to say I love you
You ain’t got a brain and honey you sure ain’t got a heart
I knew you were a wanker, right from the start.
” Relena ignored the comments from the boys and continued her song.

“How could Heero be untrue to Relena when he never was true to her in the first place?” wondered Quatre aloud.

“Who cares,” reasoned Duo. “As long as he’s true to me.” The glint in the self-proclaimed Shinigami’s eye promised violence of a personal nature if any hint of faithlessness was detected.

Heero kept quiet and contented himself with planning new torments for his longhaired lover when next they were alone.

He’s just a born again bastard that’s for sure
He’s just a born again bastard I don’t love him any more
And when that born again bastard came to my door last night
It took a born again bitch to put him right.
” Relena pelted out, putting heart and soul behind her song.

Wufei looked bored. “How much longer do we have to stay here?”

“We could just slip off now, I don’t think she’d even notice.” Duo started moving towards the exit only to be brought up short by Heero’s grip on his braid. “What?”

“We stay,” Heero muttered.

“Why?” questioned Trowa.

Instead of replying Heero jerked his head in the direction of the doorway where Dorothy, Hilde, Sally and Noin had gathered, blocking their escape as per Relena’s instructions. All four had determined looks on their faces – if they had to endure Relena’s caterwauling, then so did the pilots.

“Oh.”

For every bit on the side you had, well baby I had two
And your best mate, Big John, (yee ha!) well he’s my mate too!
You think I didn’t notice every time you made a pass
And now you say you’re sorry, well you can kiss my arse!

“Big John?” Duo turned a curious gaze on his lover. “Who’s this Big John?”

“I have no idea, honestly.” Heero was regretting his decision to come, and wondered if it would be too difficult to escape. He looked at the four women blocking the only visible exit… they didn’t look all that formidable…

“Really.” Duo sounded dubious. “I’ll take your word for it lover… but if I ever find out one of your friends is named John you’re in for the high jump!”

Heero rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Do you really think I’d be friends with someone that would sleep – willingly – with Relena?”

“Oh, you’ve got a point there.”

He’s just a born again bastard that’s for sure
He’s just a born again bastard I don’t love him any more
And when that born again bastard came to my door last night
It took a born again bitch to put him right.
” Relena looked down at her captive audience, wondering if the song would have the effect on Heero that she hoped it would. All she wanted was some recognition from the taciturn pilot of Wing Zero that they had a relationship. If only he didn’t spend so much time with that longhaired American…

I take his dog for a walk down to the S.P.C.A.
Find all his Polaroid’s and send them to his latest lay
I break into his house and I put gladwrap on his loo
Then find me a funnel and I’ll piss in his home-brew.

“I thought the last lot tasted strange,” Duo mused softly. “You drank most of it Wufei, what did you think of it?”

“Wufei?” Quatre looked with concern at the Chinese pilot, who’d gone green. “Are you all right?”

Duo sniggered, not even Heero’s dark look stopping him.

He’s just a born again bastard that’s for sure
He’s just a born again bastard I don’t love him any more
And when that born again bastard came to my door last night
It took a born again bitch to put him right.
” Finishing on a triumphant note Relena looked down at the pilots for their reaction.

Heero was glaring at her as if she was his next target; Duo was sniggering at the green-faced Wufei; Quatre and Trowa just looked confused. “Is it over yet?”

Relena pouted. “Is that all you can say?”

“No,” replied Duo as he grabbed Heero’s hand. “We can also goodbye and good riddance Relena. Me and my born again bastard have plans for tonight!” With a final grin in her direction he led the unresisting Heero towards the exit.

“Stop them!” Relena screamed.

“Why?” Noin asked as she eyed a determined looking Shinigami who was bearing down on her. “I don’t think stopping them is part of the deal.”

Hilde nodded agreement and stepped to one side. “We kept them here for you, making them remain after you tort… er sang to them wasn’t included in the deal.”

Duo winked at Hilde as he swept by her, Heero trailing in his wake. “Byyye!!”

“Sorry Miss Relena,” apologised Quatre, hiding a smile. “Trowa and I need to take Wufei to the doctors…. Sally?”

At Quatre’s gesture Sally helped the two pilots lead Wufei out. Noin and Hilde followed them, as Dorothy approached the former Queen of the World.

“Well that went well Miss Relena.”

“You think so?”

“Of course.” Dorothy rolled her eyes and tried not to smile as she escorted Relena off stage.

 

~ The End ~