2-13-2001

This is based off of Saturday Night Live's "Celebrity Jeopardy" skits...

Title: Celebrity Jeopardy, Episode One
Author: Mikiko
Rating: PG
Warnings: Tendences toward innuendos, complete and idiotic fluff
Pairings: 1x2, 13x6
Disclaimer: The G-boys aren't mine,
Neither is that Jeopardy.
Please do not sue me.
Archive: Don't care... but please tell me first!

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Alex Trebek: Good evening, and welcome to tonight's Celebrity Jeopardy. With us we have three men you may remember from the recently ended war. Our first contestant hails from L1, has a thing for Spandex, and is currently in court fighting for a restraining order against the Vice Minister. Let's welcome Heero Yuy!

[Heero steps out from backstage, stalks to his podium, and glares at the audience]

[Applause]

Our next contestant, also colony-born, works as a mechanic, has too much hair, and hangs out with people named "Hildee". Please give a hand for Duo Maxwell!

[Duo steps out, waving cheerfully, dressed in a t-shirt that reads "I'm With Sexy" and, as he arrives at his podium, it is revealed that the arrow on the shirt is pointing beside him, to Heero]

[Applause and a few whoops]

And our final contestant this evening is best known first for his eyebrows and second for his part in the war as the commander of Oz's forces. Say hello to Treize Khushrenada!

[Treize swoops out, cape flowing dramatically behind him, and tosses a bouquet of roses into the audience]

[Swoons and disturbed applause]

Welcome, gentlemen. I wish you luck. Now, we will begin. Tonight's categories are: Terms of Endearment. Math. Sex. Mental Illnesses. Computers. Roofies. And, finally, Laddie's Runes. Mr. Yuy, you have the- Mr. Yuy, what are you doing?

[Camera pans to Heero, who is gravely holding his buzzer in front of him.]

Heero: Ninmu... ryoukai...

[Presses button. It beeps. He frowns, presses it again. It beeps again. He frantically begins pressing it over and over. Finally, he throws it to the floor, howling]

Heero: I CAN'T SELF-DESTRUCT! I HAVE FAILED MY MISSION!

[Camera pans back to Alex, who looks very perplexed. He shrugs]

Alex: ...Right. Why don't I choose for you. Let's go with "Math" for $200. The answer: "This is what 1 x 2 equals."

[Treize beeps in]

Alex: Yes, Mr. Khushrenada?

Treize: [Frowns, staring intently] ...12.

[Alex blinks]

Alex: ...no, I'm sorry. Anyone else? Mr. Maxwell?

[Duo is grinning gleefully as he presses his buzzer]

Duo: What is a fanfic in which Heero and I

[The remainder of Duo's response is bleeped out]

Alex: That is disgusting. Mr. Yuy? Would you care to respond?

[Heero is still looking mournfully at his "broken" buzzer, apparently having missed what Duo said]

Alex: Maybe not. Mr. Khushrenada, why don't you choose.

Treize: I'll take "Lady Une" for $500, Alex.

[A bespectacled and bebraided woman from the audience throws herself onto the stage]

Woman: You can HAVE me, Treize-sama!

Alex: . . . Mr. Khushrenada, that's "Laddie's Runes", not "Lady Une."

Treize: Then can I have "Wufei" for $250?

Audience member: KISAMA! [pause] Why am I only worth half as much as that stupid onna?

Alex: Again, Mr. Khushrenada, that's "Roofies", not "Wufei". Why don't I choose another category for you. Let's go with "Terms of Endearment" for $100. The answer there: "This is Japanese for - lover'".

[Duo beeps in]

Duo: Heero!

[Heero beeps in]

Heero: That wasn't in the form of a question, baka.

[Treize beeps in]

Treize: What is "me"?

Alex: You are all fools. Mr. Yuy, could you pick the next category?

[Heero, having recovered from the buzzer incident, peruses the board]

Heero: Can I have "Sex" for $100?

Duo: Aw, you don't have to pay me, Hee-chan.

Alex: The answer there is, "You have sex with people of this gender."

[Treize instantly beeps in with a suave and knowing smile on his face]

Treize: Give a stupid answer, get a stupid question. What is "male"?

Alex: No, I'm sorry. That's not correct. Anyone else?

[All three stare stupidly at Alex]

Alex: Good God, all three of you?

[They continue to stare blankly]

Alex: The correct response is "What is female". I think it would be good to move on to Final Jeopardy now. Tonight's category is "Things you can't kill." There is no possible way for experienced military-types like you to screw this up. It should be very simple. For example, "viruses", or "rocks". There is no reason for you to write this much, Mr. Khushrenada. You should all be done now. Mr. Maxwell, quit doing that with your pen. Now, we'll take a look at the contestant's responses and wagers... and since we're running low on time, we'll look at all three at once. Let's get them up on the monitors:

[All three blue monitors flash up onscreen. Each one has exactly one word written on it: "Relena."]

Alex: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Gentlemen - and I use the term loosely - I'm afraid you are all wrong. Relena Peacecraft is a human being and therefore I am sure she can be killed. Your wagers? [quieter] As if it would matter anyway.

[On both Duo and Heero's screens flashes "I get to be seme tonight." Treize's screen reveals an intricately drawn picture of Zechs much in the style of Kate Winslet in "Titanic"]

[Alex looks from the screens, to the audience, to the screens, to the audience, and back to the screens again]

Alex: This is the most abnominable contest I have ever seen on this show. I pity your charities and I hope none of you ever come back here again. [Looks back to camera again] Good night, and I'm going home to OD on speed.

[Applause as the lights die down, Trebek exits, and Duo and Heero begin making out]

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O.O Wow, you read all the way to the end? Was it okay? Please tell me what you think! ::scurries off, worried::