Heero: Hn. (Translation: Oh great....another fic...wonderful)
RLT: What?!?!? I haven't even started yet and you've got this attitude!
Heero: Hn. (Translation: You're gonna make me act like a jerk in this aren't you?)
RLT: No, at least I don't think so...You might turn out to be the hero after all.
Heero: ::deathglare:: (Translation: Bad pun.)
RLT: Hmph. Just do the disclaimer. I have a fic to write.
Heero: Fine.....She doesn't own us.....thankgod.....don't sue her cause all you'll get out of it is headaches.
RLT: And the warnings..
Duo: yaoi, of course, possible sap, possible citrus, humor-no duh-, major OOC but that's not the point, relena bashing, dorothy bashing, crossdressing and general silliness.
RLT: On with the fic.
By: Raving Lunatic Teen
Duo Maxwell lounged in front of his old laptop, waiting with little patience as the e-mail loaded. One foot banged against the desk absently while he watched the glowing screen while the other was drapped over one armrest of his chair. His long chestnut rippled out it's usual braid behind him, tangled and frizzy from sleep. His enormous violet eyes squinted from weariness in the light, long lashes drooping more and more each second. He could hardly focus on the screen in front of him, hardly conccentrate on the letters that had suddenly become so blurry......He blinked again then pinched himself. 36 hours without sleep had a tendency to do that to him and Duo reminded himself that certain scinetists were definitely going to pay for this later.
"It's not like we're robots. I mean even Heero can't got his long without sleep and not be tired, " Duo yawned again, not bothering to be polite, as he was by himself. His eyelids started to droop again but suddenly snapped open when he began reading his mission outline.
"NANI??" good be heard throughout the apartment complex and the foundations of one building shook slightly.
Mission: In order to protect the bringer of peace, it is required that projects 01-05 be her bodyguards for the following two weeks. During this time, she will be particapating in an event: the Miss Romefellar Foundation contest, a beauty pagent. In order to completely to protect her, Projects 02, 04 and 05 will be required to go undercover as contestants. Projects 01 and 03 will be disguised as project 02 and and 04's boyfriends. New alias: Miss America. Memorize your background well, 02.
"Hell no!! No! No! No! No! NO!!!! Mission not accepted G, there is no way I'm dressing up like a girl! You hear me? NOOO!! And Heero Yuy is not my fucking boyfriend!!" Duo slammed the laptop, making a large dent in the plastic covering, one in the shape of a fist.
<<You've got mail>>
Yes you are. And yes he is. For the time being. Should you refuse this mission, please remember Mission still has possession of pictures (and negatives) from 02's trip to the United States. Keyword: Hangover.
"I'm seriously going to kill that man."
Heero Yuy read the message on his screen with his usual unemotional gaze and intense concetration. Then he read it again. And a third time. After reading it seven times and checking the channels to make sure this wasn't one of Trowa's sick jokes, Heero simply started laughing---hard. Tears streamed down the japanese boy's cheeks as he rolled on the floor, gasping for air.
"Oh my god....hahahaha.....Duo....hahaha....is....hahaha.." whatever he was going to say was cut off by the phone ringing in the kitchen of his small apartment and he jumped up to get it.
"IT"S NOT FUNNY, YUY!!" hollered a familiar voice his ear.
"Whatever you say, Miss America,' Heero replied in his usual nasal monotone before hanging up.
Somewhere, if he listened hard enough, Heero thought he might hear a scream of rage. He read the report one more time before shutting his computer down. Only after the screen was black did he realize something.
"Boyfriend? As in my disguise is......"
Suddenly the sitaution wasn't funny anymore.
Trowa watched with something like vague interest as the little blonde boy jumped up in down his rage, his face getting decidedly redder by the moment. Inwardly, Trowa had a feeling he was going to enjoy the next two weeks immensely. Playing his lover's boyfriend was an ideal situation for him. Outwardly he decided to project none of this cheer because he had a feeling Quatre might strangle him if he so much as a cracked a smile.
"This not fair!!! I don't want to be Miss Saudi Arabia!! Guys cannot be girls!! IT ISN'T RIGHT!!!!!!" the blonde boy fumed, his cheeks pink from shouting and exertion.
"Missions are missions, Quatre. We have to protect Relena. A little discomfort is is worth peace. And it will be a lot easier than inflitrating OZ or fighting Zechs," Trowa pointed out, trying to hide every trace of his glee. Evil little hentai images were floating around in his head, Quatre in a bathing suit, Quatre in the dressing room......
"Easy for you to say!!! You don't have to wear a skirt or hose or...or...or...."
"A wonder-bra?" Trowa added thoughtfully.
"NANI?" blue-green eyes seemed to bug out of their sockets.
"Uhh...it says here that you're going to have to wear....."Trowa eeped when a fiery background replaced the blonde's eyes and a super-deformed chibi version of Quatre descended on his green-eyed partner.
"AHHHHHHH!" for several kilometers Quatre's scream of rage could be heard, echoing throughout the land.
Wufei stared at the laptop with fire and death in his eyes. Slowly it began to melt from the force of his glare.......
The pagent hall was crowded, full of the families and friends of young beautiful women all over the world. Young men hovered around the chosen girls who stood out with thier multi-colored sashes and huge smiles. One in particular, called Relena Peacecraft was attracting mutltitudes of attention. Her three "friends" and competition-Miss America, Miss Saudi Arabia and Miss China-hovered nearby, the crowds unaware of the guns stashed in their wonderbras. The four of them were quite a picture, all lovely long hair and big eyes. Many jealous stares fell on Miss America and Miss Saudi Arabia's boyfriends, who hung silently next to them, wary eyes searching the masses. More glares were earned by the japanese boy when Miss Sanc, Relena, blew him a kiss, to the annoyance of the brunette beauty queen next to him.
"I'm going to kill that bitch for getting us into this," Miss America growled, deep in her lovely white throat. Her violet eyes sprakled with what could only be called malice and she mentally broke out in a fit of cursing when she tripped over her heels.
"We're here to prevent that, Duo, not cause it,"Heero reminded him, gently holding the brunette's arm.
"It's Delia, not Duo. Let me go..." the boy whined, tugging his arm away from Heero. He only wished he wasn't so skinny...it'd make it a lot harder for the scientists to disguise him as a girl. Not to mention physical contact with the Wing pilot was making his heart beat a little faster than normal.
"Can't. It won't look right if I just stand here." In realty, Heero didn't want to let go. The hungry looks his partner was getting made him uneasy. And protective, oddly enough.
*Must be the disguise. Who would have thought Duo would make such a hot girl?*
"Would it look right if I broke your nose?" Duo/Delia growled again, both of them smiling as the press took pictures.
*But it's still Duo.....*
"I'd like to see you try," Heero snorted.
"Really? Remind me to do it after this hell-sent mission is over," Duo gave him a fake smile, grimacing at the make-up he wore.
"You're one cocky bastard you know that Yuy?" Duo continued as they made their way through the pagent hall, aware that no one else had any idea they were talking.
In the expensive hotel the "boys" and the beauty pagent contestants were stationed at, a simpering attendent led them to their rooms. Correction: Heero and Duo's room. The violet eyed boy glared at the queen sized bed that they'd share while his partner blushed. It was a perfectly lovely room, from an extremely feminine point of veiw, full of gold lining and pink satin. Relena was in heaven, Duo was sure. Of course, Relena's idea of heaven was everyone else's hell, including and especially Duo's.
"Uhhh...flip ya for the bed?" his partner asked a moment later, afraid Duo's glare might peel the costly wallpaper.
*Not that I'd mind sharing...* a treacherous little thought rang through his head.
"Uh-uh Yuy. Lady gets the bed. End of discussion," more glaring.
"What lady?" Heero blinked innocently.
"This one," Duo pointed a long, slender finger at his chest.
"No ladies here..."growled Heero as he dropped his bag on the floor. This was going to be a looong mission.
"You wanna start something, Heero?"
"No......jeez...your first day as a woman and you already have PMS," the Perfect soldier rolled his eyes at the God...err...Goddess of Death and began working on his laptop.
Relena watched the exchange through a surveillance camera she'd had put in the pair's room. This was not what she had expected when she'd asked to participate in the beauty pagent. She'd been hoping that Heero would be her escort...her prince. Evidently the scientists didn't think he could handle it himself. Still, she'd wished they'd leave Duo out this. He distracted her Heero so much, kept him from paying attention to what was important. Her.
*It's not too late, though. I'll just have to get Duo kicked out of pagent early. He'll be in disgrace and I'll have my perfect soldier.*
Quatre and Trowa shared a room similar to the other two, except theirs was furnished in an array of blues and greens. Quatre, having changed out of the skirt and top he'd worn to the pagent hall, lounged on the bed, watching his lover.
"Maybe this won't be so bad after all...."
Trowa was exploring their room, unsued to all the space and new things. Like the closet, which was full of...women's clothing. All in Quatre's size. Eyeing his partner warily, the blonde pilot blanched at the skimpy, tight cocktail dress that the other boy pulled out. It had more cords and straps than actual fabric, incidentally. A major pain in certain areas, for women but even more so for...gentlemen.
*I take it back...*
Quatre accepted the dress with an apparaising look, stretching the cords experimentally. Not too much resistance, not too stiff and just long enough to wrap around a human throat. The perfect tool for strangulation...
*I think I'll borrow this and pay dear Professor H a visit.*
Wufei glared at the violet walls and bedsheets in his room. He glared at the make-up on the desk and the array of women's clothing in the closet. This was injustice.
Steam filled the spacious bathroom where Duo reclined. He'd just discovered the enormous and very pink hot-tub it housed and was happily splashing around a pair of swimming trunks. Knotted muscles, unused to the confines of women's lingerie, loosened in the hot water and he sighed. It would be nice to stay in there a while longer. Except.....except it was quiet and lonely. The silence wasn't something he enjoyed. He needed someone to babble to. Well that could be fixed...Duo smirked.
"HEERO!!!! I NEED YOU," he hollered in a very fake, feminine, and almost Relena-esque falsetto. His partner trudged in moments later, muttering about americans and quiet.
"What?" the japanese boy sighed.
"Will you join me? The water's great!!" the American grinned and sank under, just to prove his point.
"No..." Spending an hour or so in the hot-tub seemed like a great idea, to him. But he wasn't sure he could control himself...
*Need control. Must have control. Control is everything.*
Huge violet eyes peered up at him when the other surfaced. "Please??"
"Fine." Heero groaned softly. He was getting soft.
*How is it he gets under my skin every time?*
"Yay! Love you, Hee-chan!" the boy grinned again, a full fledged smile.
"......" Heero lapsed into silence. He was starting to feel strange. Maybe some relaxation would him some good.
*I..I almost wish he meant that.*
Duo was still grinning when Heero re-entered the bathroom in his trunks, sliding into the bubbling water.
"Mmm..."the perfect soldier groaned, revealing in the feeling of heat on weary bones. Traveling to the hall, doing all that smiling and posing earlier had worn him out more than any other mission had. He wondered if it was the constant tension that he would do something...that had to be what made him so weary.
"Long day," the american murmured, stretching like a cat for a moment.
"Relena didn't help any."
Heero grimaced, recalling the puppy-dog looks, featherlight touchs and innocent glances the Peacecraft girl had sent his way. She'd done so much as to push Duo out of the way twice and when she wasn't trying to get Heero's attention, she was picking on the braided boy.
"She really doesn't like me."
"And I don't recall ever being anything less than polite to her."
"So it has to be something else."
"Heero are you dead or something? Do I have to give you mouth to mouth?"
*Wouldn't mind it.* Heero grinned in his mind.
"No. I was just listening," Heero replied aloud, shrugging off the shocked look he received from the Deathscythe pilot.
"You were listening? To ME? What are you sick or something?" Duo gaped.
"Am I hallucinating?"
"Don't think so..."
"Are you an imposter?"
*How do I do that? Could kiss him...shut him up..no wait...bad idea....very bad...*
"Tell me something that only Heero would know!"
"Omae o korosu," he glowered, banishing little hentai thoughts and chibi-Duo's that paraded around in his mind.
"I'm convinced," Death slipped under the water once more. Heero had begun to worry about him when a hand grabbed his ankle and pulled him under. They began wrestling in the water, a mess of arms and legs, splashing half the contents of the tub on the floor. They ended, breathless, with Heero pinning the braided boy to the floor, wrists in one hand and ankles in the other.
"Gotcha," Duo grinned.
*No, got you, Duo*
"Gonna let me go?"
"Nope," the perfect soldier was struggling to control himself once more. He would not let himself be turned on by this postion.
"Oh. Whatcha gonna do with me?"
"Don't know yet," Heero wondered. Could he-?
"Oh," a manic grin replaced his bemused statement, "What if I do this?" Duo flipped Heero over so that he was straddling the other boy's stomach staring down into surprised blue eyes.
"Didn't know I could do that, did ya?" Duo grinned, absently tracing the lines of the Perfect Soldier's face. All Heero could do was concentrate on not catching one of those wandering fingers in his mouth.
"I'm multi-talented." A sinister thought crept into his head.
"You're gonna have to be, " Heero smirked.
"Tommorrow's the beauty pagent talent show try-outs."
"What am I gonna do?"
"You could try getting off of me," Heero glowered at the slender boy.
"No, I'm going to sit here until you help me think of something, soldier."
"Might be a while," Heero smirked again. Duo resisted the urge to smack him. He'd do plenty of time to do that after the mission was over.
"Then you'll just get really cold. Now what could I do to keep myself in the pagent?"
"Go up there and start talking. You're good at that."
"Ha...ha..ha..You are so not funny, Yuy."
Heero shurgged, watching the pale boy in front of him. It fascinated him to see Duo think, since it was obvious his mind was running a mile a minute, but his statement never changed.
Treize sighed as he relaxed in the penthouse suite of the pagent hotel. As a judge he got the best. As general and leader of OZ he got the best of the best. Absently he flipped through the lists of contestants. He'd go to place a few bets in the morning with Zechs. This was bound to be close competition. Personally he hoped his dear Lady Une would win, but it was possible that Peacecraft girl might beat her. Or Miss China. She'd certainly been a lovely sight. The OZ leader made a note to buy her a drink later.
Mission: Beauty Pagent
Quatre flipped through the stack of papers he'd been given on the way in. Ignoring catcalls, he walked back his room, wondering what Trowa might be up to. Stopping by the door, he dumped all the pamphlets but one. It read:
Beauty Pagent Schedule
First Event: Talent Show
Second Event: Winter Ensembles
Third Event: World Peace Speeches (*Che ^^;*)
Fourth Event: Spring Ensembles
Fifth Event: The Tomboy Competition
Sixth Event: Autumn Ensembles
Seventh Event: Swimsuit Competition
Eighth Event: Summer Ensembles
Ninth Event: Bake-Off
Tenth Event: Evening Gowns
Eleventh Event: Finals (Grab-bag)
"Swimsuits?" the blonde yelped to his partner on the way in, "We have to wear swimsuits? SHIT!!!"
"I think you'd look good in a bathingsuit," Trowa grinned from under his hair, earning a look much like the one Quatre wore when under the influence of the ZERO system. Trowa stifled an 'eep'.
Trowa's pained screaming could be heard several doors away. Heero glanced up from his computer briefly.
"Somebody pissed Quatre off," Heero commented, nonchalant to his energetic partner who was digging through a closet full of women's clothing, most of it shades of black and purple. Occasionally a skirt or top would come flying accross the room followed by some sort of accesory and shoes.
"Bet Trowa's sleeping outside tonight," the braided boy replied, snickering.
"Should we offer him a blanket?"
"Nah, let him suffer. He's said more girl-cracks than you have," Duo was slowly burying himself in clothing.
A long velvet skirt smacked the perfect soldier in the side of the face, followed by a blouse and some stilletto heels. He sighed. That was the fourth outfit he'd gotten hit with that morning.
"Are you looking for anything in particular?" Heero asked.
"Need some help?" He began watching with detached fascination as he began seeing less and less of Duo until all the remained was the braid.
Duo resurfaced and spit out a bra.
"Nope. I got it," He trimuphantly held up a pair of black velvet stretch pants and a silver mesh top.
"What are you gonna use those for?"
Wufei climbed into the red skirt he'd chosen to wear to the talent show with none of his usual grace. He'd twisted himself in slip and skirt five times before. Finally managing to put it on straight, Wufei glanced at himself in the mirror and shuddered. The chinese girl that was reflected back him look nothing like Wufei, nothing at all. Or at least that's what he'd been telling himself from the moment they arrived the pagent. Resigned to his fate, the Shenlong pilot began his task of putting on the long sleeved white blouse that matched the skirt. Almost immediatly he was tangled in it, head in one sleeve and foot in the other. Wufei cursed softly when he heard fabric rip somewhere in the vicinity of his shoulder blades. He began his search for a new blouse, coming up with a lovely black one. This he slipped on and began to fix his hair (with extensions). He grabbed the comb and began to work through the jet-black strands. Knots. Tangles. Split ends. Damn.
If the hall had been crowded during the welcoming ceremony, where there had been barely enough elbow room for a cat, during the talent show it was packed. Stuffed. People filled out the doorways, hanging in the parking lot, hoping to get a look at the beautiful contestants competing in today's event. While it was early trial, the talent show was important part of the contest. The elimination proecess started with that competition and during the first day it was hard critical. The other events, or most of them, would be easy compared to the performances. If one could live through them that is.
In the back of the hall, behind the stage was the dressing rooms, also fairly crowded what with relatives, boyfriends and well paid lackeys and rump-kissers. The girls themselves were only a small fraction of those backstage. They stood out though, like gems in gravel, many of the young women phenomonally beautiful or at least after hours of preparation and layers of make-up they were beautiful. Few people knew what the beauty-queen contestants actually looked like, though we can assume the Gundam pilots were the only men. Well, ummm...hopefully.
Duo glared at the girl reflected back at him in the mirror, her heart face nicely powdered and painted. She was fairly pretty with elfin features and big violet eyes. He might even consider hitting on her, given the oppertunity. Or at least he would, if he didn't know exactly who the lovely beauty queen was. Eyeing the other figure reflected back in the mirror, this one by far more masculine, Duo made a twisted face, tongure stuck out as far as it would go. The familiar green tank-top practically taunted him.
*Hahaha...I get to stay a guy and you don't*
Duo sniffed, pulling the robe closer and getting up to don the outfit he'd picked out earlier that morning.
"Aren't you supposed to be guarding Relena?" he growled, when met with bottomless Prussian blue eyes. He almost didn't notice his partner's blush, but on a face that changed as little as Heero's, the slight reddening of his cheeks was obvious.
"They won't let me in there," Heero coughed quietly, then turned around to save some shreds of Duo's dignity.
*I refuse to stare while he has to wear those stupid women's clothing, the bra and all that. Now if he wasn't.....* the Perfect Soldier blushed again, not finishing the thought.
*What's the matter with me?*
Duo cursed some more, his ordeal of getting dressed very similar to Wufei's.
*How the hell do women do this?* the Deathscythe pilot wondered, twisting himself helplessly in the stretch pants.
*Iie...I can pilot a gundam but I can't manage in women's clothing.*
Fierce determination filled Duo. He would not be beaten by strech pants. No. He'd defeated hundreds of enemies in battle. These were no different, save the fact they had no will to fight just to cut off circulation. After five more minutes of twisting, swearing, twisting some more, swear some more, threatening with scissors and thermal blades, Duo Maxwell triumphed over his most devious and persistant enemy. Now for the top....