This little ficcy wouldn't let me do anything else until I finished it. Oh well, despite what it seems like it is not shota!
Disclaimers: I don't Own Gundam wing, if I did I would be rich and it would be Yaoi. In fact I don't even own this computer I'm still paying Dell for it. Sigh… and my muse well he's still the hentai loving ecchi he always was. The song belongs to the respective singer.
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: 2x1 eventually
Warnings: AU, Angst, Dark, Cheap parents? Poor Heero is the one I always end up torturing. No guarantees when the next part will be out.
# Japanese words#
~is Heero's thoughts and/or writing~


Teaser: Shinigami's secret

As the crowd roared in approval Duo bowed one more time, his eyes searching out the familiar figure in the front row. Tonight was his anniversary concert. Shinigami had gotten a number one album on the charts every year for the past six years. He had wanted Heero to see this performance. After all he had inspired that first Album, and every succeeding one.


It had started a long time ago. When Duo had first started to be popular, at fourteen. It had been just another back stage party when he was still touring as the opening for the band Oz, back when Zech's was still singing ands not the president of Sony records.

A boy had been sitting huddled in the corner much to young to be out this late. Thick chocolate locks streaked with pink to match his eye shadow and lipstick. He wore a loose tank top and tiny black leather shorts. His knee high socks and piercings seemed almost obscene on one so young. And his large pacific blue eyes looked so sad.

A girl with orange hair and green eyes Duo's gaze and smirked.

Sidling up to the young singer she said, "Like what ya see?"

Distracted he looked at the girl with a frown, "What?"

"Well that pretty boy over there is my son Heero. You can have him for ten U.S. dollars."


"I brought him along tonight hoping one of you entertainer types would be interested. You see I got a one-way ticket out of Japan with a nice rich guy who doesn't want me to bring any baggage. I figure since He's nine Heero's old enough to start in the business. I just need him out of the way while I pack and disappear. For ten dollars you can have him, you can throw him out on the street tomorrow, pass him to some friends, I don't care. I just figured since your kind a young looking yourself you'll be easier on him since he never did anything like this before."

Feeling sick to his stomach Duo sneered at her, "I don't buy people."

"Fine whatever, that guy looks interested. He'll probably pay ten dollars."

Seeing her point at one of the promoters J, Duo was assaulted with visions of that grotesque excuse for a man tearing that waif apart.

He had heard rumors...

"Fine here." Duo shoved the money at the woman who smiled gleefully and walked over to the boy. Large mistrustful eyes stared at him but it was with a resigned statement the boy followed his mother over.

"He knows what's expected of him." she stated and disappeared into the crowd without a backwards glance.

Unsure of what to do now Duo cut through the crowd to the exit not even looking to see if he was being followed. In fact he was kind of surprised when he got back to the hotel room and he saw he still had that little shadow.

"Um Heero? Why don't you take a shower and clean all that gunk off your face?" He pointed to the bathroom and tossed a towel at the boy. The boy silently followed his instructions and Duo wondered what to tell the guys when they came back from the party. Using some extra blankets to make up another bed on the floor he turned when a door opened. The boy was standing in the middle of the room completely naked. Embarrassed Duo blushed and threw a night shirt at him with a little "Eeep!" then rushed the bathroom to get ready for bed. When he got out the boy was staring at him from the bed not a hint of emotion in his eyes as he began to unbutton the nightshirt. Duo rushed over and stilled Heero's hand.

"No, that's not why I brought you up here! Just get some sleep we'll figure out what to do in the morning."

The boy cocked his head and whispered in a confused voice, "Na ni?"

The woman forgot to mention her son didn't speak English. And Duo didn't speak Japanese.


Shinigami's secret: Part One

Heero's grandmother had been the daughter of a Japanese fisherman who had listened to the impassioned whispers of an Australian sailor who had never returned. When her mistake became obvious four months later her family disowned her. At fourteen she didn't have many skills to use and ended up working on her back to feed her daughter.

Weak from too many nights of abuse and too little nourishment she ended up teaching her daughter the business. She died soon after from a chest cold. Heero's mom didn't want any mistakes so she always used protection when she was twelve she was attacked from behind. She never saw the face of Heero's father.

She had been so young then and sure that things would one day change. She often forgot Heero after he was born. It was a miracle he survived. She never brought her work home though at first, she tried to protect him from that for a little while, but perhaps it was because of her unusually exotic features that she lucked out like her mom never had. Soon she was off the streets and living in cheap apartments as a string of lonely businessmen's mistress. She soon realized Heero's presence was a nuisance. She would have to lock him in the closet to keep him from interrupting.

Then the day finally came when she met Gregory. Sure he was old and lecherous but he was offering to take her back to England with him and he had money. It was easy to choose between him and Heero. After all her son was old enough to start in what she called `the family business.' He was nine. She even did it up right! Sitting him down she explained to him he was to do what ever the gentlemen asked of him quietly, that tensing his muscles would make it hurt much worse then it could and obediently and to remember not to gag, but swallow.

She spent her hard earned money to buy some clothes off of a friend, took him to Tamika to get his ears and belly button done, along with his did his hair and makeup. Most of all she didn't just set him on the corner like good old ma had done to her; she actually snuck him into a party where he could meet lots of famous types. The famous ones paid more so you'd keep quiet. All in all she had felt extremely proud of what an excellent mother she was!


Heero looked at the braided youth who sat before him in confusion. Part of him was scared out of his mind, while the other part… He knew what sex was; he knew what his mother did. He may be young but he wasn't stupid. Still he had loved his mother, had lived for the random kindnesses she shoed him. After all she had been the only constant in his life.

But she had left. She had said he was old enough to be a man and work on his own. She had only slapped him hard, when he had cried at her revelations. He was still kind of unsure about the details but he knew he didn't want anyone hurting him like she had told him. He had quietly gotten dressed and fixed up, obediently following her to the party. Sure that any moment she would change her mind and say she loved him. Too screw Gregory and his money; the two of them were fine on their own. But she didn't she had looked appraisingly at an old man that had Heero quaking in fear then had gone over to another side of the crowd.

His eyes had gone blurry with unshed tears as she had seen her gleefully pocket the money. Her last words to him had been simple and to the point,

"This kid looks like he might not be as bad Heero, if you screw it up it'll be your fault. Who knows if you do everything I told you he might just keep you around. Don't bother going back to the apartment I won't be there. From this moment on you are no longer my son, if I saw you bleeding to death in the streets I wouldn't help you. This is your last lesson learn it well. There is no such thing as love it is a weakness, anyone who says they love you is lying. After all if your own mother doesn't love you who ever will?"


The Boy didn't speak English. Great. Staring into the terrified depths of the little boys eyes Duo wished that he had paid more attention to those Japanese classes Noin had made him take when he knew they were touring Japan. Oh well actions all ways speak louder then words. Pulling Heero's small body closer to his thin frame he held him protectively and tried to go to sleep. A new song swirled thru his head and he knew he would sing it for him one day.

Boy blue by Cyndi Lauper

You never knew yourself well enough
But she never knew you at all
And when she put you out on your own
It may have stolen your innocence
But not your soul

Tell me where is little boy blue
You'll find him standing always
One step ahead
Fast a little, shy a little, boy blue
Wise blood runs warms and deep
On the street
... Kids walking, just a kid walking

Tell me where is boy blue
You'll find him standing always one step ahead...

Dance a little, cry a little...

Where are you boy blue
Where are you...



Shinigami's secret: Part Two

When Cathrine had turned eighteen her parents died leaving her the guardian of her four-year-old brother and the owner of a very famous circus that toured the world. A year later she found a little two year old on their doorstep when they were touring America. He had a note pinned to his shirt it simply said,

~Please take care of my son. I got Aids form a dirty needle a year ago and I'm dieing on the street. I have no family and his father is dead. I can't bear the thought of leaving him to the vultures or pimps that watch out for orphans. He's always liked clowns. Please take care of my Duo. ~

She used their family connections and money to adopt him the next day. They were in the Middle East when she saw Quatre. He was dressed in a collar and nothing else being paraded to advertise a new Brothel. She had one of her jugglers Rashid beat up the guy and stole the four-year-old boy away. They left in the middle of the night but by the time their plane touched down in Lisbon, Quatre was legally her third son.

Wufei was the last one. They didn't meet him till he was seven. It was actually the most amazing story. While in China to retire some of their old animals to the small facility they kept in the mountains it happened. The village that watched over the facility had a chief whose daughter was beloved by all. She dared her little brother to go into the tiger lot and steal a food bowl. Calling him `weak' and `Scaredy cat'. So he did and one of Cathrine's handlers Nat was injured saving the boy. He died that night. Deeply ashamed the Village chief disowned his son and gave him to Cathrine saying he was no longer welcome in the Dragon clan.

After that Cathrine didn't take in any more boys. She said she stopped trying to save the world one boy at a time. In reality she was growing steadily sicker. Soon she collapsed unable to take the strain of the constant touring. One day she was there… then one day… the circus fell apart but through the help of everyone she didn't die. After many months of surgery and therapy they were broke. Lots of money would be needed to continue Cathrine's care. Four lost boys were sent to stay with Cathrine's aunt Noin. Noin was in the Music business. One moment she was fixing the schedule for her hottest new star the next she was landed with four cute boys. What else could she do but make them a music group?


Duo awoke to the sounds of sobs. It was still night outside the multitude of neon lights gave the illusion of false day. Momentarily confused he wondered whom he was holding then he remembered. Heero. He had distant memories of Quatre crying like this, back then Cathrine had to hold him through the night terrors. He still occasionally had those dreams and now only Trowa seemed to be able to calm him.

The rest of the group had returned sometime while he slept. They had noticed the young boy but hadn't done anything. It wasn't unusual for Duo to pick up strays. They all had at one time or another. Giving the ones whose fate they could have shared a hot meal and occasionally a bed. It was a kindness they learned young.

Pulling the boy back from the edge of the bed where he seemed to have moved in his sleep, Duo held him. Curling his body around Heero's smaller frame the touch seemed to calm him. As he held the trembling frame Duo noticed he could feel the bones through Heero's thin skin. No wonder his eyes had seemed so big, he felt like he barely had enough to eat. Tucking the head under his chin Duo whispered softly, "What did she do to you?"

In his sleep Heero was still trusting his small hand curled around the end of Duo's braid as the other clung to the boy. As the pale cheeks gleamed wetly in the moonlight Duo thought about his past. In the quiet of the night when he was alone in bed he had wondered what would have happened to him if Cathrine hadn't taken him in. Would he have been like Heero? Another nameless street child abused for the pleasure of strangers? Like a delicate flower picked before its bloom, dieing too soon and mourned by no one. How many times had he turned his head and pretended not to see? He knew he couldn't save the world. But he also knew he couldn't turn away this time. Even if he couldn't save the world if he didn't save Heero he wouldn't be able to look himself or anyone else in the eye again.


Heero was use to nightmares. Dreams of nameless horrors but mostly of the closet. One time His mother forgot to let him out after her `friend' left. He had sat for three days in complete darkness knowing better then to scream. After she let him out something in him had broken. It was the only time he ever fought her when she tried to get him back in there. To punish him she had tied him up and thrown him in there for another three days. He never fought her again. So here he was alone again in the darkness to scared to scream he simply cried. Not expecting anyone to listen. When he felt it, almost like another presence in his dream. A protecting embrace surrounded him loosening the tight bands on his chest. Unused to kindness the statement compassion to foreign to his world to understand Heero was simply grateful. And for the first time in all of his nine years he slept easily.

He awoke first, unused to being held he tensed up. Then sensing the rhythmic breathing of his companion Heero cautiously opened his eyes. They were both still dressed and the embrace didn't feel sexual in the least. He realized with a cold feeling his mom was truly was gone he was alone. With a slight frown Heero pulled back and studied the face of the sleeping teen. Duo's face was still innocent, not marked by lines of cruelty or anger. Heero decided he could do much worse. But last night his companion hadn't seemed interested in him. With a scowl he acknowledged that was probably because he had been acting like a baby. His mom had often told him the only thing of worth he ever had to offer anybody was his body. Heero told himself he was a man he could take it! Anything was better then being on the street.


Noin stepped in to the room to wake up the boys when a sight that made her shriek greeted her. Duo's face was turned away but she recognized the telltale braid. While she knew the boys occasionally brought home strays she was not use to seeing any of them with a naked child plastered to their bare chest, lips locked in a kiss.

`Angel Standing by' by Jewel

All through the night
I'll be standing over you
All through the night
I'll be watching over you.

And through bad dreams
I'll be right there, baby
Holding your hand
Telling you everything is alright.

And when you cry
I'll be right there telling you
You were never anything
Less than beautiful.

So don't you worry
I'm your angel standing by.



Shinigami's secret: Part Three

An ear-piercing shriek woke Duo abruptly from his pleasant dream. He sat up immediately noticing the nude boy sprawled on his lap he blushed furiously. Still half addled from being woken so suddenly after spending most of the night up holding back Heero's nightmares it took him a second to do more then stare into those unfocused sapphire eyes. Then working with a quickness and grace uncommon to most fourteen-year olds he wrapped Heero up in the blanket. Revealing to everyone's partial relief Duo was still wrapped tight in his pajama bottoms. Holding the younger boy firmly he looked up at Noin.

"This is not as bad as it looks! I bought him!"


"Um I mean I bought him from his mom last night at the party she was pimping him for a ten spot, He's only nine."


"No! No! I bought him cause she was going to sell him to J. I was going to tell him so but the poor kid doesn't speak English and we both know how good I am at speaking Japanese! I probably would have told him I wanted him to eat raw beans or something so I held him and fell asleep waiting for you guys to come back!"

During that last speech Noin cooled from that horrendous fuchsia shade people get when they're so mad they forget to breathe. He finally noticed the other looks the boys were giving him they understood. Untangling himself from blankets that trapped him Wufei sighed and got up.

"What's his name?" he asked Duo who was holding the bundled up boy defensively.


#Heero, Don't worry no one is going to hurt you here. I'm Wufei, Duo is the boy holding you, Quatre is the blonde over there with the big eyes and the boy he holding on to is Trowa. Noin is the lady at the door. #

#I'm not afraid of pain I'm an adult. # Heero replied with a look leveled at him. It caused the laugh in Wufei's throat to die an early death.

#Of course, but what I meant to say was Duo doesn't want you to sleep with him that way. He bought you last night so you wouldn't have to go to J and today we'll find a nice agency that will give you a home!#

To those words the boy started to wail unhappily tears streaming down his face. Duo leveled Wufei with a deadly glare.

"What did you tell him?" Each word with distinctly pronounced. The band looked distinctly surprised at the anger on the face of the group clown.

"He just said that we'll find a nice agency for him to go to today." Quatre interjected the mediator as usual.

"No." Duo said and clutched the crying boy closer, all noticed the sobs start to quiet as two thin arms clung to Duo's waist.

"Duo we can't take a kid along!" Noin said exasperated.

"Cathrine did!" Duo pointed out.

"But she was an adult, with power and money." Wufei reminded him.

"If Heero doesn't come I'm going to stay here." Duo stated stubbornly.

"But Duo.." Quatre started to interject

"No, I can't ignore this again. If we leave he'll be out on the streets or worse before the month is up! He won't know how to act around other kids. I doubt his mom taught him. I…it… it could have been one of us." Duo said softly as sad blue eyes stared at the group from beneath messy overly long brown bangs. The band exchanged a look and nodded.

"I agree with Duo." Came the soft response from the normally quiet Trowa. "If my little brother feels that strongly about it then I will back him up."

"You right." Wufei agreed and Quatre nodded all five gazes turned to Noin.

"He's to young to be part of the band, If his past got out it would be damaging."

"So would mine." said Quatre softly. Trowa gave him a reassuring hug.

"I don't know what…." Noin trailed off.

"I know." Wufei said "We can bring him along and we'll use the last of our savings to get the papers. Cathrine still has connections all over the world and one more kid won't be noticed. I can help teach Heero for now and we'll all pitch in to get him some normal clothes. Since this was Duo's idea he will be responsible for everything. He'll have to use his pay to get Heero stuff. And his free time to learn Japanese so he can take over his lessons."

Seeing everyone's expressions Noin sighed but nodded. "Fine! But don't say I didn't warn you."

"Yay! Hee-Chan your gonna stay!" Duo cried and cuddled the confused teary faced boy. Quatre was the one to translate.

#Welcome to the family Heero, Your one of us now. #


Staring up at the new boy untrustingly Heero thought about that word. Family. That's what he had with his mom. He didn't want to be part of that again. That would mean he would end up alone one day. He just wanted to stay here with this boy…Duo. He made him feel safe.

#No, I don't want to be part of any family! # He told the other boy.

#Do you want to leave? #

#No, I just want to stay with Duo. #

#Aaah then how about this? You stay here as a friend? #

#That is acceptable#


Duo tried hard not to smile as Heero stared at the amusement park in delight. Instantly he started dragging Duo off to the rides attracted by the flashing lights. He didn't even notice they left the rest of the boys behind. It had been one month since that night. Children are amazingly resilient Heero was learning English faster then Duo was learning Japanese. They managed to communicate some how. Heero was slowly coming out of his shell. He still stayed close to Duo as much as possible but he no longer clung to him crying whenever Duo left. He was still scared that one day Duo would walk out and leave him too. Duo was determined to prove otherwise.

For you I will by Monica

Verse 1:
When your feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world's just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do.

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.

Verse 2:
I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down,
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon (yeah, yeah)
I will be your hero your strength
anything you need (I will be..)
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you
For you I will

For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will find your heart
For you I will die
With every breathe, with all my soul
I'll give my world
Put your faith in me (put you're faith in me)
And I'll have to leave it be

I will cross the ocean for you (I will cross the ocean for you)
I will go and bring you the moon
Promise you (Promise you)
For you I will, I will, I will, I will,

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need, (Anything you need)
I will be the sun in your sky (yeah, yeah)
I will light your way for all times
Promise you (I promise you)
For you I will (Ooooh)
I promise you
For you I will



Shinigami's secret: Part Four of Eight

~How does friendship turn to love? I have often wondered. In the books its always love at first sight or some kind of forbidden love. Like enemies whose explosive anger was just a thin veil for their deeper feelings of passion. No one ever explains how it happens between best friends. Did it slowly grow each day? Or was it always there to begin with, just hidden by uncertain hearts? Even I'm not sure. I didn't just wake up one day and decide to love you more then anything. I didn't just look at you one day and suddenly realize how beautiful and precious you are to me. I loved you from the beginning just not as a lover but as a savior. Someone who saw who I was but still cared. I always knew you were precious to me, I cherished every moment we spent locking them away in my heart. They were treasures to dear to be lost. I would have had to be blind deaf and dumb to ignore your beauty.

The very purity of your heart, the depth of your loyalty, the charm and wit of your personality and the kindness you don't even realizes you bestow on everyone. They far out weight the exquisite curvature of your neck or the sculpted porcelain perfection of your face. Even the natural grace and confidence in your every move couldn't outshine the rich timber of your voice. Before you laughed I doubted the intelligence of those who described laughter like bells or music. Now I know they're liars. Your laughter is far more melodious then any symphony. I would say you're entirely perfect but that's a lie. And I know how you hate liars. I love your flaws as much as everything else, no matter how insane they drive me at times. They are all a part of what makes you so irresistibly... you.

From that weird way you toss your head to get your bangs out f your eyes to the way you tap your foot when you're impatient. And tat horrible temper of yours. I say horrible cause it truly is when awoken. But hardly anything breaks through that icy grip you keep on it, except that one time. You saw those boys torturing that kitten. A stray that no one wanted. Everyone ignored the group as if they couldn't see. It would have been dead in a few days from starvation anyway. You pushed me aside and told me to wait. I'll never forget the look in your eyes, they had laughed at you. Mistaking your slender beauty for weakness they taunted you with what they planed to do to both of us. You won in the end and I fell in love all over again. Who but you would have gone the extra step and brought it home? Nursing it back o the beauty that wads its birthright. The cat and I are too much alike, devoted to you beyond death and just as silent as it.

I'm not strong like you, I wish I was half as brave. Instead I say I love you every day. You never guessed how deeply I meant it. I smile at your stupid jokes and help you dress for your dates. You never guessed how much it hurt me. I never showed you that part of myself. You were never meant for me. Were as far apart as the earth and the sun. Like a glorious butterfly you were meant to be free. I won't be the one to clip your wings. I would rather die then speak and cause you pain. Because I know how deeply you care for me, as a friend. And how hurt you'd feel as a friend. So I retreat in silence and pretend it doesn't hurt. It gets easier each day to hide behind this smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes. The feeling never fades, the pain just becomes familiar. In fact the love only grows with each breath I take. Each day I'm drawn deeper into this web of half-truths and deceit I use to hold these feelings in. Until the words are so firmly sealed away I couldn't say them if I wanted to. Duo…


Hearing the phone ring Heero closed his journal and picked up the headset with one hand.

"Moshi Moshi."

"Hee-Chan?" The voice alone sent a fission of pleasure down his spine and caused him to blush.

"Duo." He whispered

~why do I crave the sound of his voice so? ~

"I'm so excited! I wanted you to know first. Don't wait up for me tonight is it. I'm gonna propose to Hilde at the restaurant."

"Sugoi! I want the details okay? Even down to the meal you ate!"

~how many times can I rebuild my heart from shattered fragments? ~

"Of course I'll tell all tomorrow. I decided to buy that ring you were looking at last weekend. You have such great taste I'm sure she'll love it!"

~why is it the ones I love who always hurt me? I don't know if I can survive this again. Being abandoned, at least mom was kind enough not to pretend she cared. It didn't hurt this much last time. ~

"Thanks Duo, It's a great ring. I got to go now I think I left the stove on."

~ how many pieces will be left behind of me this time? ~

"Sure Hee-baby, you feeling okay? You sound odd."

~ how many times until I disappear? ~

"I'm fine, just worried about the stove. Ja!"


With a trembling hand and eyes half blinded by tears Heero hung up the phone. The book had dropped to the floor unnoticed. Choking back a sob he pulled his coat on and ran off the door slamming behind him. His wallet and keys still lying on the desk where he had left them the night before.


This is me by Randy Travis

Lately I get the feeling there's a feeling that you're holding in
Why do you keep your distance as close as we've been?
Do you think your silence is saying there ain't nothing wrong with you
This is me you're not talking to

This is me
The one that knows you inside out
The one you've leaned on till now
Don't you know I'm still here for you?
So what do you think your doing?
Who do you think your fooling?
This is me you're not talking to

You can run to me no matter what you're running from
If its something I am doing I will get it undone
Just don't let me be a stranger to what you're going through
Hey this is me you're not talking to

This is me
The one who knows you inside out
The one you've leaned on till now
Don't you know I'm still here for you?
So what do you think your doing?
Who do you think your fooling?
This is me, you're not talking to

Hey this is me..... you're not talking to.



Shinigami's secret: Part Five of Eight


Hanging up the phone Duo gave it an odd look before heading back to
the studio.

"Hey guys congratulate me!" He shouted good-naturedly.

"Why?" Wufei said grumpily irritated because they refused to consider
recording his song 'The great Nataku'.

"Remember how me and Heero went shopping for rings last week? I'm
getting married!"

Indulgent grins were shared all around as Trowa slapped him on the

"Hell. Its about time Duo! We were wondering how long before you'd
wake up and realize just what you have!"

"I want details! And I get to throw the bachelor parties!" Quatre
announced with a laugh.

"Well I don't have the details yet cause I didn't propose yet, I
won't be seeing Hilde till tonight but I wanted you guys to be the
next to know. After Heero of course!" Duo half laughed and threw
himself into the chair. Sudden silence enveloped the room.



"Hilde?" Quatre questioned confused.

"My girlfriend Q-man!"

"Your marrying that… that … onna?" Wufei sputtered.

"Duo, do you mean to tell me that you're considering marrying that
wanna be groupie?" Trowa questioned with a half frown and sat next to
the surprised singer.

"No Da, Who do you think I meant?"

"Wait you said you took Heero out to help you shop for an engagement
ring set? For Hilde?" Quatre murmured his voice surprisingly close to

"Of course. He always helps me out with my girls!"

"Duo.." Trowa started.

"you…" Quatre continued.

"Baka!" Wufei finished.

"What?" Duo shouted irritated and confused by their attitude.

"How could you do that to Heero? Especially considering how he feels
for you!"

"Hey you guys got it wrong. Heero is my best friend that's all."

"Sure that's why he's always telling you I love you? And glomping you
like a fan girl? He won't even hug anyone else." Wufei pointed out
with a snort.

"He just feels comfortable with me, you guys are over reacting right
Noin?" Duo looked to their manager with pleading eyes. But she just
shook her head and asked,

"Have you ever read his journal Duo?"

"Of course not! That stuff is private."

"All those books he fills with words… the first page always dedicates
them to you. He left one in my office a few months back. Before you
make any long term decision that will change your life and will
affect his I suggest you read one."




Duo had been planning for this for a while. The private room in one
of Tokyo's finest restaurants was filled with yellow jonquils, which
were Hilde's favorite flowers. The left wall was one large window
revealing the city stretched out below them like so many jewels
against black velvet. The soft light of fifty pillar candles filled
the room with a romantic glow. He was dressed in his very best and
the rings were in his pocket. Standing he walked over to Hilde's side
wondering over the lack of apprehension he felt.


"Yes?" She answered and he kneeled on one knee taking out the jewelers box and revealing the rings.

"We've been going out for a while now and I well.. Hilde Sch…"

She stopped his words with an elegant finger against his lips.

"Duo please don't say another word. You're Handsome, kind, rich and famous but I could never marry you. When I may be a little unrealistic but when I marry I want more then that in a man. I want him to love me completely."

"But I do!" He protested.

"Duo…you didn't buy those rings to adorn my finger. Its obvious they were bought to be placed upon the finger of the one you adore. You may not realize it but when ever we are out the only thing your talking about other then work is Heero. When you look at him there is a light in your eyes that's lacking with everyone else even me. I can't remember how many times you've cancelled a date with me to go somewhere with Heero. I always thought you were just using me as a shield for the media, I never thought…. Well its obvious to everyone who you love. I think its time you realize it to. Go home Duo, give those rings to who you bought them for."

Her words were the final straw. Unable to ignore what he had been for so long Duo gave Hilde a truly brilliant smile.

"Hilde… I… Thank you." With that he was gone. He didn't her watery smile dissolve into tears as she dropped her head into her hands in that romantic room all alone. She loved him so much. She loved him enough to let him go.


Something to remember by Madonna

Seems I've played the game for much too long
I let people buy my love and I
Never got to sing my songs for you.

I had all my bets laid all on you
Set your stakes too high, you're bound to lose.
In the game of love you pay your dues.

Say that happiness cannot be measured,
And a little pain can bring you all life's little pleasures.
What a joke.

I was not your woman, I was not your friend,
But you gave me something to remember.
No other man said love yourself
Nobody else can.
We weren't meant to be,
At least not in this lifetime,
But you gave me something to remember.
I hear you still say, "Love yourself".

I had all my bets laid all on you
Set your stakes too high, you're bound to lose.
In the game of love I've paid my dues.

Guess I'm waiting for my place in your sun,
Wish I had the chance to know you and it wasn't stormy weather.
What a shame, who's to blame?

I was not your woman, I was not your friend,
But you gave me something to remember.
No other man said love yourself
Nobody else can.
We weren't meant to be,
At least not in this lifetime,
But you gave me something to remember.
I hear you still say, "Love yourself".



Shinigami's secret: Part Six of Eight

Odin cursed his luck. Who would have thought one fifteen year old would be so much trouble to guard? Out of necessity Duo had hired him to watch over Heero when Duo couldn't be there. He was very concerned with Heero getting hurt. These past three years since Duo had first hired him had been mostly easy. But today… Heero was suppose to stay in and he was planning on another uneventful day spent cleaning his guns when Heero had rushed out of the apartment like a bat out of hell. He had barely had a chance to grab his coat and catch up.

As Heero wandered into progressively worse neighborhoods Odin could only sigh. It wasn't even sundown and he already had to forcibly suggest to seven individuals that they seek their entertainment elsewhere. He couldn't blame them. Not really even crying Heero was so fragilely beautiful.


~ "Ne Duo? Will you be here forever?"

"Of course Hee-Chan! I'll never leave you alone! Promise"~


~ "Duo, I love you! You're my hero!"

"Heh he heh, I love you too chibi munchkin!"~


~"Duo can I sleep with you tonight? I never have nightmares in your bed."

"I don't… fine here get under the covers and I'll try my new song on you!"~


Its funny Heero hadn't even been paying attention to where he was going. Just losing himself in the crowded streets of Tokyo all too easily. He didn't seem to notice the afternoon fade to the false brightness of neon as night descended. The crowd changed and he clutched his jacket closer as the air-cooled. Finally stopping he looked up at an all too familiar street. Funny in his wanderings he hadn't even noticed. He had drifted from the expensively cool part of town where they had their apartment to the dangerous streets he remembered all too well. He was tired from walking, he couldn't even remember if he had lunch and he realized his wallet wasn't in his pocket.

This was not a good situation to be in. Seeing a bar he headed in knowing it wasn't safe to be on the streets. The woman behind the counter was a face he never though he would see again.

"Tamika?" came the hesitant question.

She turned dark eyes to him and came out from behind the counter. Gaze devouring him before she pulled him in to a big hug.

"Hee-kun! I never thought we see you again! The girls and I kept an eye out on the streets for you. Truthfully we never thought your mom would actually do it." Pulling his stunned body past the bar into the backroom where couples were in various states of undress she announced,

"Look who I found!"

He was instantly recognized and smothered under the hugs and squeals of his 'aunties'. Customers were sent away and Une the madam of the house gave him a huge bowl of soup, as everyone waited to hear his story.


Duo paced back and forth as Quatre tried to calm him down. His and Heero's cat Wing followed them with each step. Wufei and Trowa came in and shook their head defeated. It was four in the morning and Heero was still gone. He never left the house on his own; He was usually in bed by ten, where could he be?

The phone buzzed and Quatre picked it up while Duo clutched Heero's journal in his hands tighter. Watching the blonde murmur and nod then hang up.

"That was the door man, he said there was an 'odd' person looking for Duo and it wasn't a fan. I told him to send her up." Moments later someone knocked on the door. Trowa opened it to reveal a girl with long blonde hair, thigh high red patent boots and a matching miniskirt with slits up to her waist. The red mesh vest revealed her black bra and as they stared she popped her gum.

"If you're done checkin the goods which one of ya is Duo?" Her voice revealed she was far younger then she looked.

"I am, who are you and why are you looking for me?"

"Oh Hi I'm Aku-Chan, Lady Une sent me to tell you we got Heero at the shop. He fell asleep a little while ago and she thought you might be worried."

"Damn right! Take me to him now."

"Sorry no can do! I'll bring him back if he wants to come home. Otherwise you did a lot of good for him and you also hurt him more then that bitch that raised him ever could. In the end it's up to him if he wants to return, some things can be worse then working. Ya know?" On that note she left leaving a stunned group of boys behind.


As her girls started to head back to their posts to look for new customers Une closed the door and sat across from Heero.

"Did your mother ever tell you why she was leaving without you Heero?"


Where I use to have a heart by Martina Mcbride

Where I used to have a heart
Feels like a mile wide ditch
I got a hole inside
The doctor just can't stitch
Gone without a trace
You left a hollow place
There's not a stone to mark
Where I used to have a heart

There were times when I would hold you
And feel the pounding in my chest
Now I'm just as empty
As a canyon way out west
That's how deep I loved you
And babe, I love you still
To the bottom of this place I'll never fill

Where I used to have a heart
Feels like a mile wide ditch
I got a hole inside
The doctor just can't stitch
Gone without a trace
You left a hollow place
There's not a stone to mark
Where I used to have a heart

I guess I'll learn to live with
A different kind of pain
I'm suffering from a sickness
That I cannot give a name
Such a strange sensation
I've never felt before
Missing you has cut me to the core

Where I used to have a heart
Feels like a mile wide ditch
I got a hole inside
The doctor just can't stitch
Gone without a trace
You left a hollow place
There's not a stone to mark
Where I used to have a heart

Where I used to have a heart



Shinigami's secret: Part Seven of Eight

Heero followed Une up to her private quarters. Not many people were invited up there but she knew they would have privacy there. Once again she asked him,

"Did your mother ever tell you why she was leaving without you Heero?"

"She said it was time for me to grow up."

Une looked at the cut crystal decanters on the shelves and sighed as she poured herself a glass.

"Your mother was a very proud woman. She never accepted charity from anyone. She was very proud of you Heero. I remember the first time she realized you had taught yourself to read. She came here and bragged to everyone who would listen about how smart her Heero was. You know she never had any education and her mother never had the time to teach her anything. Your mother knew some math by necessity but that was it. She was convinced that 'Her Heero' was perfect."

Long elegant fingers played with the stem of the glass before she seemed to stare off into the past.

"I think back then we were all a little in love with your mom. She had this drive that just seemed to pull you in. But the only one she ever had eyes for was you Heero. It was funny in a way she treated you so hard because in a way she knew she wouldn't always be there. And she knew all to well how deadly kindness could be on the streets. She was determined to give you more then she had. Did you ever wonder why she used to lock you in the closets and hide you away? You were a very pretty baby too pretty in fact. She wouldn't have been able to protect you from the men in her life. If she had wanted too she could have whored you and made a lot more money then she did alone. But I think she tried in her own way to shelter you because you were all her hopes and dreams. The tiny part of herself that was still innocent of the dark side of human nature."

Heero snorted wanting to believe but not daring to allow himself too.

"Sure that's why she sold me at that party."

"As I said your mother was a proud woman. But she was only human, she tried to do the best for you that she knew how. She never told you, she never told anyone, in fact I only knew because I guessed. She was dieing Heero. She knew exactly what awaited her if she stayed here and was determined not to put you through that, like her mother had done to her. Nothing else could have made her decide to let you go but that. You wouldn't believe the things she did to get the money to get you ready for that party. If you don't believe anything else I say believe me when I say she loved you more then anything else in her life. She loved you till the day she died."

On that word Heero looked up eyes wide Une nodded toward an urn on the counter.

"Gregory was nicer then expected. He sent her ashes back here so she could be buried in her homeland. Take my advice Heero whatever decisions you make don't make her mistakes. Never leave without telling someone how much you love them, and if you can't live without them. Don't leave at all."

Standing Heero embraced the tired looking woman awkwardly and whispered,

"Domo arigato gozaimashita."

Then turning he left the room some how knowing she needed to be alone. Once in the hallway he collapsed letting the tears wash the pain away.


From the shadows Tamika stepped out and wrapped her arms around Une.

"When are you going to tell him the truth?"

"I did tell him the truth. The woman who was his mother died the moment she let him go."

"Are you strong enough to let him go again?"

"Yes because I know that boy can give him what I never could."

Une turned in Tamika's arms and unbeknownst to her echoed her son's sobs.

She had gone to England expecting to die and not really caring. The car accident revealed all, but instead of dumping her when he found out the sickness underlying her injuries, he stayed. By then he was too besotted to leave. In fact he spent the money and time needed to help her evade the cancer that had invaded her body and restructure her shattered face and collarbone. He delighted in teaching her the finer things in life and educating her. He even helped her search for Heero knowing she wouldn't be content until she knew her son was cared for. He had taught her the kinder side of love, even if she never loved him back he was content. And when he died two years later he had left her a sizeable legacy. She returned to Japan and watched Heero from afar ready to step in if he ever needed help.


From his post at the bar Odin determined Heero seemed to be okay and headed to the phone.

"Hello I'd like to make a collect call please."


The Horses by Kenny Loggins

We will fly way on high
Where the cool winds blow
Or in the sun laughing having fun
With all the people we know
If the situation should keep us separated
I know the world won't fall apart
You will free the beautiful bird
Caught inside your heart

Can you see her oh she flies so proud
Cast her wild wings over water and cloud

That's the way it's gonna be little darling
We'll go riding on the horses
Way up in the sky little darling
If you fall I'll pick you up, pick you up

You will grow until you go
I'll be right there by your side
Even then a whispering wind
Will call me to you in the night
I hear all the people of the world
In my one bird's cry
I see them trying every way they know
To make their spirits fly

Can you see her moonlight in her eye
Coming from under my wing
You were born to fly

That's the way it's gonna be, little darling
We'll go riding on the horses
Way up in the sky little darling
If you fall I'll pick you up, pick you up



Shinigami's secret: Part Eight of Eight

Wiping his tears on his sleeve Heero took a deep breath. His mother wasn't dead. He had known it from the moment he saw Une. It didn't matter what she looked like. For a very large part of his life she had been the center of his universe. It would have been impossible for mere looks to disguise her. How many time had he taken care of her after one of her clients had beaten her too an unrecognizable pulp? Funny after that first month with Duo he hadn't thought of her much, probably because it hurt less that way. But he understood what Une had been telling him. The child who had been his mother was gone. She had grown into another person completely, one who's life didn't include him.

But she had said she was proud of him, that she loved him. That meant more to him then he would ever be able to say. It gave him the strength to get up and walk away knowing he would never see her again. His mother had given him life three times and that was enough. She gave birth to him, She sold him to Duo and today her words finally gave him the strength to do what he had thought he had done long ago. The strength to grow up. Letting go of that last part of his childhood Heero knew what to do now. He would go home and congratulate Duo on his wedding. Even if he would never have Duo's love he had his friendship and trust, which was more then enough. It had to be.


Duo hadn't even hung up the phone. The second Odin finished telling him the address of the bar he was gone. It was a good thing that his friends were with him because there was no way he could have driven anywhere in such a state. His Heero was in the worst part of Tokyo. in a house of ill repute! Who knew what kinds of things were happening? Odin hadn't been able to get in the back room where they were keeping Heero. He was such a Baka! How could he have mistaken Heero's feelings? True he always loved Heero from the moment he saw himself reflected in those big blue eyes. But he had never expected Heero to like him as anything more then a friend. Especially after what Heero had learned of love at his mother's knee.

When he got there he almost broke his neck stepping out of the car while it was still running. Good thing Wufei was there to tug him back in. When they finally stopped and Duo was able to leap out Odin came out of the shadows all four boys winced at the sight of him. Odin had two black eyes a split lip numerous bruises and a slash from a deep cut in his forehead crusted over with blood. Duo refused to consider what would have happened to Heero if Odin weren't there. There was no way in hell he would leave without Heero tonight.


As Heero headed to the front he heard a familiar voice,

"I know he's in here and I want to see him now!"

"I have no idea what your talking about sir. This is just a bar, we don't have any 'back rooms'."

"Like hell! I'm not leaving until I see my Heero."

Irked Relena tossed her bright blue hair and glowered at Duo.

"Yeah right clueless! I don't care how rich or famous you are after how you treated Heero there is no way in Hell he'll ever be 'your' Heero again." She smirked, "Don't worry I'm sure he'll do much better on his own. In fact I know of a few guys who'll pay top dollar for a boy that pretty, probably keep him too."

Duo growled,

"Keep your dirty paws and mind off of MY Heero, if anyone so much as touches him I'll kill them."

At that Relena smiled at him brilliantly.


As confused as Duo by her change of attitude Heero stepped out into the bar. It was closing down and most customers were gone. In fact the only people still standing were Duo and his friends.

"Actually I'm no ones Heero." He said softly smiling at his own pun sadly.

Duo pushed Relena out of the way so he could pull Heero into his arms. Tucking Heero's body close to his he whispered softly.

"From the first moment you've been my Heero. When I got home and you weren't there I was so scared. If I lost you I don't know what would happen to me. How could I live with my best part gone? I love you. please come home."

"If that's what you want Duo." Heero murmured against Duo's firm chest. Realizing Heero didn't understand the love Duo was talking about Duo pulled back. Firmly lifting Heero's chin so he could look him in the eyes Duo said softly,

"Aishiteru koiboto, zutto." Letting Heero see the truth of the words in his eyes. And as those soft cherry lips parted in surprise Duo dipped his head to taste them for the first time, awake at least. Heero melted into the kiss knowing he was finally home.


I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston

Share my life, take me for what I am
Cause I'll never change all my colors for you
Take my love, I'll never ask for too much
Just all that you are and everything that you do

I don't really need to look very much further
I don't want to have to go where you don't follow
I won't hold it back again, this passion inside
Can't run from myself
There's nowhere to hide
(Your love I'll remember forever)

Don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don't walk away from me...
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don't have you, you, you, you.

You see through, right to the heart of me
You break down my walls with the strength of you love
I never knew love like I've known it with you
Will a memory survive, one I can hold on to

I don't really need to look very much further
I don't want to have to go where you don't follow
I won't hold it back again, this passion inside
Can't run from myself
There's nowhere to hide
(Your love I'll remember forever)

Don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don't walk away from me...
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don't have you, you, you, you.



Shinigami's secret: Epilogue

Looking at the crowd roaring in approval Duo smiled and motioned to the stagehands. Instantly the lights were dimmed.

"I wanna thank you all for coming out tonight. I must say these past six years have been simply amazing and I owe it all to you."

As hew spoke the words the audience roared in approval but Duo only had eyes for one person. Even though there was no way he could see him in the darkness Duo still knew exactly where to look.

"At the beginning of this year I had the scare of my life. I almost lost the one person who meant everything to me but sometimes it takes almost losing someone to realize how important they are to you. I know your out there watching me tonight and I would just like to say Heero, every song I've written has been inspired by you but this song is for you."

At his queue the band started up.


Making Love (by Air Supply)

I know just how to whisper,
and I know just how to cry;
I know just where to find the answers;
and I know just how to lie.

I know just how to fake it,
and I know just how to scheme;
I know just when to face the truth,
and then I know just when to dream.

And I know just where to touch you,
and I know just what to prove;
I know when to pull you closer,
and I know when to let you loose.

And I know the night is fading,
and I know that time's gonna fly;
and I'm never gonna tell you everything
I've got to tell you,
but I know I've got to give it a try.

And I know the roads to riches,
and I know the ways to fame;
I know all the rules
and then I know how to break 'em
and I always know the name of the game.

But I don't know how to leave you,
and I'll never let you fall;
and I don't know how you do it,
making love out of nothing at all

(Making love)
out of nothing at all,
(making love)
out of nothing at all,
(making love)
out of nothing at all,
(making love)
out of nothing at all,
(making love)
out of nothing at all
(making love)
out of nothing at all.

Every time I see you all the rays of the sun
are streaming through the waves in your hair;
and every star in the sky is taking aim
at your eyes like a spotlight,
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it's lost
and it's looking for a rhythm like you.
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
and turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright.
I've got to follow it, 'cause everything I know, well it's nothing till I give it to you.

I can make the run or stumble,
I can make the final block;
And I can make every tackle, at the sound of the whistle,
I can make all the stadiums rock.

I can make tonight forever,
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn;
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made,
And I can make all your demons be gone.

But I'm never gonna make it without you,
Do you really want to see me crawl?
And I'm never gonna make it like you do,
Making love out of nothing at all.

(Making love)
out of nothing at all
(making love)
out of nothing at all
(making love)
out of nothing at all
(making love)
out of nothing at all
(making love)
out of nothing at all
(making love)
out of nothing at all
(making love)


As the last verse started to fade the stadium roared. A brand new song from Shinigami and G-Wing. The record producers got on the phone immediately calling Noin to see if it would be on the new album. But back at the stadium.


Taking a deep breath Duo pulled the microphone close and said,

"Heero, you're my one and only. My true love, without you I'm only half alive. Without you life is nothing more then existing. You're the first thing I think about when I awaken and the last thing I dream of at night. When you walk in the room its like I can let go of a breath I wasn't even aware of holding and there's nothing I want more then to spend the rest of my life with you. You don't have to tell me tonight but please be mine forever."

As the crowd roared louder he bowed and started to walk of the stage when Trowa grabbed the microphone,

"What little brother is trying to say Heero is 'Will you marry me?"

Quatre laughed and spoke into his headset,

"Not Trowa.. Duo wants to know if you'll marry him!"

Not to be out done Wufei grinned causing several die hard fans to faint. Someone screamed

'Wufei! I want to have your baby!' and by luck Wufei didn't have a nosebleed. Or maybe it was just cause it was a guy who shouted that. wait I better stop before Wufei loses his self-control.

"Marry the crazy Baka! It would be justice."


Heero was noticeably absent from the after concert party but that wasn't surprising he generally avoided them. So did Duo. Trowa and Quatre had snuck off somewhere to celebrate the bands success on their own. Who knows? After all they lived together, they were always going off alone, they didn't seem to have any significant others and they held hands constantly. But then again who knows? That didn't mean they were lovers they could just be really good friends.

Noin was chatting up to Zechs, the current president of Sony records. They were due for a new contract soon and if she did it the right way she might just negotiate a nice royalties raise. But instead of listening Zechs was glancing over to where his boyfriend Treize was engaging in a mock battle with Wufei. Inventive as usual they were using breadsticks as swords. But if they had seen the downright cunning look in Zechs eyes both men would have thought twice. And as for Duo. he seemed to have disappeared too.


Sitting in front of the mirror Duo ran the mahogany brush through his hair being extra gentle since it was still slightly damp from his shower. The bedroom door opened revealing a nervous looking Heero.

"I heard your song tonight, is that why you insisted on me coming to this concert?"

"Yes, it was."

"I know you said I didn't have to give you my answer tonight. But I thought it was only fair to tell you what I've always known."


"Yes, I can't promise you tonight to be yours forever, I can't give you my heart Duo."

"Oh." Duo whispered the brush clattering to the floor next to him. But he thought that Heero.

"You needn't look that way Baka. I can't promise forever because I'll love you much longer then that, I can't give you my heart when you've stolen it so many years ago." Heero's smile was partly shy, partly mischievous and wholly breathtaking.

"Hee-baby you minx! How dare you scare me." Duo pouted.

"Hmph. Baka, you deserved it after how many times you've scared me."

"I'm sorry Heero. I love you so much, what can I do to make it up to you?"

"Just keep telling me that."


The End. Really!