12-26-2001

Disclaimers: The carpenters own the song, someone else owns the G-boys, I own the story, a crazy cat, a crazier muse and a broken lemon juicer *sob*
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: You have to guess, but there's no sex so it doesn't matter what numbers first, right?
Warnings: I read one too many bastard Fics, and this is the result. ANGST!! Past Yaoi, OOC, Major Bastard G-boy. Songficcy.
Status: Unbetaed

Sayonara Ai

~I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and Time again the chance for love
Has passed me by~

Most people leave their lovers while their gone. Saying their goodbyes to the empty rooms, which had become far too familiar. Maybe it was a sign of weakness that they couldn't say it to the others face knowing that they would once again fall into a world, built on empty promises and shattered dreams. Maybe it was a sign of strength that they did what was needed to let go of the future they would never share. In the bedroom that same timeless scene was being replayed again. The deceptively slender boy glanced around the bedroom once more. Eyes red and scratchy from too many tears it took him a while to make sure he was done. Nothing was left to show he had ever lived there. In fact his side of the room was as barren as a twenty-dollar motel. Tears once again shimmered in his eyes and he scrubbed at them furiously, wishing he still had the perfect soldier mask to hide behind. But his lover had shattered that like so many other masks. Leaving a world weary, teary-eyed boy who had been forced to grow up too soon.

In a way Heero could almost selfishly wish there was still a war. At least then he had been useful to someone. He had a place to belong. He may not have felt but surely whatever torture Oz or Dr.J came up with was nothing compared to this agony. Compared to what Duo had done to him. Duo had taught him to be human again; he had given Heero back his heart. Only to break it into pieces and sweep it aside, like an unwanted toy he had grown board with.

~And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it
So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone
I guess I've always known I'd say goodbye to love~

Heero ran his hand through longish layers of chocolate brown locks.

He had been growing his hair out lately. He told the others it was to commemorate the end of the war. So he wouldn't forget. In reality it was because of Duo's new friends. Every one of those guys had long hair. He should have seen he was clutching at straws then. As he turned the light off the clocks LCD numbers blinked 1 am. The first hour of the first day of the New Year. The last hour of his life.

He had waited alone till twelve, and then he had started to pack.

Managing to fit his life into a gym bag, still he was surprised at what he accumulated in a few months. Treasure that meant more to him then all that money they had. His first pair of real blue jeans. Duo had insisted that he buy an American brand called Levi's or they wouldn't really be jeans. That hideously ugly Mokona plushie that Duo had won him at the fair. That had been their first `real' date.

During the war they had been too busy for that. He had taken the few pictures around the house that Duo had of him. He knew that Duo didn't carry one in his wallet. He use to carry one of them together, but Heero had found it recently under the pile of match books Duo brought back from the clubs. Instead of confronting him Heero had quietly slipped it into his own wallet. Duo never noticed.

If he had to decide on a date when it all began to end he would have said last year. A couple of months after the war ended and they had started a their last year of high school. Civilian life had been terrifying for Heero. Duo had loved it jumping straight into a somewhat normal teenage life on Earth; he had lovingly held Heero's hand in the beginning. Helping him adjust to a world he had never known. Delighting in spending the days showing his Koi the wonders of simply being alive, and his nights loving him till they both feel like boneless heaps on the bed. Falling asleep in each other's arms.

Money from hacking into Oz during the war had assured none of the G-Boys would ever have to work again. They had used that money to buy a small place in London and start school there. Duo easily became the most popular boy in school and somewhere along the way he stopped introducing Heero as his Koi and started calling him his `roommate'.

~So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love~

Heero was quiet and intense far too much so for the crowd that Duo hung with. He couldn't shake off everything he had done during the war and sometimes the ghosts of the innocents he killed haunted his dreams. Duo had encouraged him to start speaking more but the sniggers of the other students at his accent had embarrassed him. It didn't matter that he was smart then all of them and their teachers combined he sounded slow so they treated him accordingly. He was too boring to fit in with Duo's new group. They had said it to his face.

Almost.

It had been during one of those parties at Trisha's house that he heard them. No one knew the Gundam pilots real identities. So they couldn't have known about all the little experiments that J had conducted on Heero changing him irreversibly. A normal human would have never heard the words. Heero probably wouldn't have over the pounding music if he hadn't seen that red headed boy Ian lean close to whisper in Duo's ear. Disliking they sly glances the lithe redhead had been giving his Koi all night Heero listened in.

`You shouldn't bring that Heero guy along with you Duo, I understand you feel sorry for the kid, but he really brings the party down.'

Heero had to hold back a smirk as he waited for Duo's customary response when someone insulted his Koi. Heero was kind of looking forward to seeing Ian in a full body cast. Duo didn't say a word. And after that he didn't bring Heero out to his friends parties anymore.

He had taken Heero to the senior prom, and then promptly abandoned him at the door to join his friends. And two months ago.. two months ago he had stopped sleeping by his side. He snuck in before dawn and feel asleep on the couch. The boy who had at one time kept them in bed for an entire week…. Well Heero couldn't remember the last time they had even kissed. It was hard not to consider the possibilities when he knew just how horny his Shinigami was. He knew they were growing apart the evidence was undeniable. They were both young and he was foolish to believe a relationship built on nothing more then a war time fuck could last. Foolish because he had believed Duo's words of love to be more then they were, something permanent everlasting. Like his were, he would always love his Duo. It was just too bad that the man he lived with was no longer that braided Baka.

~There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories and I'll find
That there is someone to believe in and to live for
That there's something I can live for~

Even so, he still couldn't believe anything bad about his best friend. Duo had meant those sweet whispers at the time, right? But thinking of this evening Heero could no longer pretend to himself. Not anymore.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Heero was tired but happy. He had been preparing food since last Monday o everything would be ready. A traditional Japanese new years decorations and all in the middle of England. Duo had left in the morning to have fun with his friends but he promised to be back in time for dinner and he was. Sure he had rushed up the stairs to the shower but at least he was in the house. Some of the ingredients were special ordered and everything had been made by Heero's hand, all year he had been dabbling with cooking. This as a feast fit for the Emperor of Japan! Everyone of The Gundam boy's had rearranged their schedules flying in from all corners of earth and space to come. In fact Quatre would be the first one there at seven. As he silently hopped for a better year Heero heard the sound of whistling. Duo was coming down the stairs in a satin poets shirt the color of spilt blood. It was unbuttoned to his waist even though it was the dead of winter revealing his creamy white chest. Skin tight black satin hot pants; a leather color, a long black overcoat and bitch boots completed the outfit. Heero noted with surprise that Duo had gotten his left nipple pierced.

"Ano … Duo? Don't you think that's a bit … um … much for dinner?" Glitter shimmered on the ruby pout of Duos lips and adorned his cheekbones catching the light a flinging it back at Heero as he noticed how the skin tight black velvet of the overcoat clung to Duo's broad shoulders.

"Sure, but I'm not just eating I'm going clubbing."

"But Duo, you were just out this morning!"

"What? Now I can't have fun with my friends?"

"No, that's not it, the guys are coming tonight, I've prepared a special meal and I was hoping to greet the New Year with you." Heero hated the need he could clearly hear in his voice. The weakness he was showing to Duo.

"*Sigh* I promised Trish that I'd be at the dinner at her place before we go clubbing. She's having a good ol pizza party! I'm sure I can grab some of your stuff tomorrow and the guys won't miss me tonight."

Heero had to lower his eyes as his cheeks flushed in anger at Duo's attitude.

"But…."

"Look I'm in a hurry. I promise you Hee-Chan; I'll be here in time to ring in the New Year with you. And you know Duo Maxwell. I run, I hide, I never lie." With his trademark grin he left and Heero had stood their stunned. It had been a while since Duo had called him anything but Heero.

The dinner he had been looking forward to had been such a disaster. He had seen the pity in their eyes as he tried to explain away Duo's absence. And that when he had finally understood. When there wasn't even friendship left to hold them together. Duo could only be staying with him out of pity.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Placing the heavy cream envelope on the freshly made bed Heero got his grooming supplies out of the bathroom suddenly feverishly needing to leave nothing of himself behind. After all he was leaving the only reason he had to live behind, surely you wouldn't begrudge him a bottle of vanilla scented shampoo and a bar of dove soap? Everything else they had shared.

~All the years of useless search have finally reached an end.
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend~

In the kitchen he had emptied the expensive leftovers from the refrigerator and cried as he poured them down the garbage disposal. By the time he gathered himself together and left the clock upstairs read two am. At three he was taking the first flight anywhere out of London.

~From this day love is forgotten
I'll go as best I can~

It read five am as Duo unlocked the doors and stumbled in bleary eyed. The party had been awesome! London knew exactly how to welcome the New Year. He remembered his promise as he stood in some hot new club kissing a stranger. Knowing that it was too late to make it back in time Duo had decided he may as well enjoy the party. He would apologize to Heero in the morning. Still it was harder to ignore that little voice in his head that screamed at him `What the hell do you think your doing?' He didn't bother to check the bedroom but grabbed a blanket and crashed on the couch same as usual.

~No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls~

He woke up at five in the afternoon with a groan. Usually Heero got him up before then.

`He must be really irritated' Duo thought to himself. He'd shower first then apologize. He was suppose to meet his friends at the club around eight. He glanced around the living room and frowned. Something was missing but his head hurt too much to figure out what now. Shrugging it off he headed up the stairs,

"Heero?" He groaned but the pounding in his head prevented him from shouting. He could really use one of those nice cups of black coffee Heero made so well. Stepping into the shower his hand bypassed the empty spot where Heero usually kept his ivory soap and grabbed his shower gel. Something was missing but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The second he stepped in their bedroom he knew. Their pictures were gone; Heero's side of the closet was barren and empty. That's what had been missing in the living room. The few pictures that decorated the shelves. That's what had been missing in the bathroom that girly shampoo Heero used cause he knew vanilla drove Duo wild. He didn't notice he had walked over to bed. With a trembling hand he picked the envelope up off the bed. And slumping to the floor ripped it open. The keys to the house fell out along with a short printed letter.

~There may come a time when I see that I've been wrong
But for now this is my song~

Funny I thought this letter would be harder to write.
I guess its so easy to say goodbye because your not
The Duo Maxwell I once fell in love with, your not
Even someone I could call a friend anymore, but a
Stranger. Somewhere along the line the man I loved
Disappeared, leaving me with you. I left the keys in the
Envelope, I won't need them again. I made sure to
Erase the evidence of my stay here. Don't worry
About trying to find me for whatever misguided
Reasons you may have. The man who once lived here
No longer exists, because I think it was time for
The old Heero Yuy to disappear too.
Sayonara

~And its good bye to love~

He didn't sign it. He didn't need too. The heavy cream paper slid through Duo's fingers to drop to the hard wood floor. It made no sound but Duo could have sworn he heard the shattering crash of something infinitely more fragile drop. The last word echoed thru his head. Sayonara, the final goodbye. It was what you said to someone you were never going to see again.

~I'll say goodbye to love…~

 

Did I make it sad enough? Huh? Let me know!!! ~ LMN who's bouncing in her chair!