7-16-2001

Author: Leena, leeneero@welho.com
Disclaimer: I don't on GW or the characters, never have and never will.
Pairing: 1x2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: yaoi, weird, dark, AU, OOC, Duo's POV.
Feedback: Oh yeah! ^____^

A giant hug to Maggi again! You rock -> Luv ya! *laughs* And all great people who've bothered to comment on this and give great ides... thankies! *grins*

 

 

PERFECT SUNSET AND THE MOON FOR ME 6

She was Heero's mother.

I felt a hysterical laughter swelling in my head, tearing it and breaking my brain apart. I couldn't believe it: the person I had learned to hate in a less than an hour was the adoptive mother of the boy I was so pathetically infatuated with. I let the laughter coil in my mouth before releasing it. It echoed dully all around us, mocking me for being such an idiot, for expecting him to be honest with me. I didn't realize that he had been honest: he hadn't just told everything. He never claimed to be an orphan without parents: I had just assumed so. Bitter and hot tears started unconsciously to fall from my eyes and travel to my mouth where I let them slip inside. The salty taste was something so purely real that I couldn't even try to conceal my burning emotions or feelings, because that lonely taste of despair brought me right back to reality.

I felt Heero's hand stroke my shaking shoulder as I laughed and cried, the sound now only tired because of this sick game we were playing: a game based on Heero's enigmatic mind and twisted love. Our game wasn't a game you should play alone in the dark and without preparations like I was doing. It was too dangerous, because I had nothing I could say if the rules were broken. This was Heero's game and the strict and always changing rules were his as well.

"Duo..." I wasn't sure if his voice held an apologetic undertone in it, but even if it did, I didn't want to believe him. He had proved that he had way too many odd secrets I knew nothing of. He wasn't a person one should trust, so I was already breaking one of my rules. I turned to look at him with steely eyes, locking his stony gaze with my liquid one, holding it and not letting it go. I challenged him to dare to touch me, to tell me he loved me. The tears continued to fall from my eyes, as my cool exterior started to crumple. I threw my head back and let out a hollow and pitiful moan, trying desperately to thread my hands into his hair. I was so hopelessly addicted that I wanted him near me even though he was the one causing all this pain. But the only thing my hands reached was the thin air surrounding and listening to us. The pain I was feeling was emotional pain: I was sure my mind was going to break under it. The only thing that kept me from falling was his arm, which was still resting on my shoulder, and the strong grip of it.

I don't know how long I was moaning and whimpering brokenly before I tenderly collided with Heero's bigger body, his arm pulling me even deeper into his embrace. I listened to his irregular heartbeat sadly, not hugging him back. Now I knew why Relena had been so mean to me: it was all because of Heero. I didn't know if Heero had wanted her to irritate me, or if she had done it of her own free will, but I was too tired to even care. Somehow it all felt so empty now when my life wasn't really mine anymore. Heero owned me inside out: my confused feelings, my long hair, my sparkling eyes and my living heart. He owned them all only because I couldn't solve the riddles of his mind and this mirror. I couldn't release myself from his mentally tender grip: I could only sink deeper and further away.

It might have seemed as if I had calmed down, because when I felt him laying his head on top of mine and sighing softly, his lips were smiling. Or maybe he was smirking because of my silliness. But he wasn't the one experiencing all this mental pain of being betrayed and lied to over and over again: he was the cause of it. I hadn't forgotten and I most definitely hadn't forgiven.

I pushed him away, keeping my arm in front of me, trying to shield myself from him. My hand was a barrier he shouldn't cross, but he didn't understand that. The second he tried to come closer to me, I felt my hand slapping him hard. It was almost like a dream: the stinging pain in my palm, the smacking sound that followed right away and the unnatural softness of his cheek. I stared at my hand in awe, my eyes widening and trembling slightly. They were dry of all the angry and sad tears I had shed when I finally raised my head to look at him. I was fascinated when I saw him bringing his own hand to the angry red mark on his cheek, and stroking it absentmindedly. His eyes were calculating and cold as he took a small but menacing step towards me. I couldn't move away: his eyes were too dangerous and sickly mesmerizing. I had to stay here and wait for him because our minds were bound together. So I just laughed softly and closed my eyes, waiting for him to punish me, give me something I unconsciously had been begging for all this time.

I wanted him to give me my punishment.

Now I was sure that being in this mirror affected me, too, because my moods were always changing just like Heero's. First I had been angry when he had told me about my death, but the fury I had felt had quickly given way to passion and affection. But it had only taken another shocking and uncomfortable fact to surface and here I was again: stunned, sad and bitter. My feelings were in turmoil since I couldn't decide if I wanted to get out and never come back, or if I wanted to stay here forever with Heero. I could almost say that in a way this mirror was my holy sanctuary. When I was here, I didn't have to think about what I was saying or doing. I was free because no one would find out. No one would find me.

But for the first time I also realized that whatever I was saying or doing, he never complained. He became angry of course, but he never told me to stop and go away. He gave me a genuine permission to keep hitting his mind with my problems. Maybe he knew that I didn't have any other person who could have listened to me like this. Quatre was so sweet that I didn't want him to carry the heavy weight of my problems on his frail shoulders. Trowa on the other hand was stronger both emotionally and physically, but I had a feeling that he had his own personal problems. I wasn't a child anymore, though I was only sixteen and my body was of a teenager, but I had been through a lot in my short life. I was perfectly able to bear my own problems. But still it felt amazing to have someone who let you truly be yourself.

"I'm sorry." These were the only words I could even think of saying to Heero. I reached out my hand and placed it in his, savouring the warmth and softness of it. My hand was smaller than his hand was, but I loved the sheath his palm gave to mine. And I was in love with the fact that he accepted me: I was drunk because of it, drugged with adoration. "I'm sorry... sorry..." It was like a mantra I kept repeating over and over again, willing him to believe me and to see what was going on inside my mind.

"Duo..."

Suddenly I started to laugh a little bit hysterically again: was me name the only word he was capable of forming? But my laughter died and my eyes snapped wide open as I watched him stripping his cloak off and baring his whole body to me. My breath was hissing in my throat, coming out as little gasps. I was a little bit afraid again: he had no reason to bare himself to me, but because this was Heero, there was always a reason. I didn't know where to put my eyes, so I just closed them. But when he let my hand go and gripped my wrist instead, I opened them quickly. What I saw and felt after that was something I had never experienced before: complete surrender to me.

He stroked his body with my hand, forcing me to feel his burning skin against my small palm. After a short while of forced stroking, I voluntarily brought my other hand to his stomach, caressing it slowly. I felt his abdominal muscles tremble under my gentle ministrations, giving way to pleasure. But I didn't want this to go any further and so I stopped abruptly, pulling my hands back. He stared at me, confusion obvious in his eyes as they questioned me. But I just smiled reassuringly at him and pulled him close from his hand. And before I could register, we were embracing each other tightly, our naked bodies pressed together. I admit it was unbelievably erotic, but still there was nothing sexual or arousing in it. The embrace was meant for pure comfort and merging of two lonely souls. No lust was involved.

"And so I surrender to you." It was just a breathy whisper to my ear, but it meant more to me than anything else at the moment. It meant that Heero was willing to lay his soul in front of me, giving it to me to do what I wished to do with it.

"And I yield..." The words tumbled from my lips slowly and gently, vanishing into the sky. I smiled quietly, laying my head to his chest once again. To my great surprise, the colours in the sky were slightly different this time: I could see emotions of two different human beings. My heart raced in my chest, trying to tell me that this was the moment I had been waiting for. This was the moment when Heero truly stopped being the dominating one: we were equal.

Mischievously I gave into the urge to kiss him. It was just a little peck: forbidden and tempting, but it was everything I ever could have wanted. He smiled slightly against my lips and I smiled back, all the time watching the lights in the air. They were yellow like happiness was, bubbling and swirling around each other and us. I was sure that the yellow in the air was from my mind: the other colour was dark blue with lighter hues. It was the colour of Heero's eyes when he was angry, but now the colour only told me of contentment and absolution.

"Do you know why I wanted us both to be naked?" His tongue came out to lick my ear teasingly, travelling to my nose and giving it a quick swirl. Then he bent his head down a bit and kissed me desperately, holding for life and protecting me. When my lips were finally free of the confines his mouth provided, I managed to give him my answer. I rasped out that I didn't know why we were bared to each other's eyes. But somehow I didn't mind: my body was a gift to Heero, stripped bare for his eyes only.

"Because, love," He nuzzled my cheek and hugged me even tighter. I almost couldn't breathe, but it felt so natural and right that I just couldn't complain. "When you're naked, you have nothing that could give away information of your status in this strict society we're living in. We all are equal when we are naked because you can't tell who's rich and who's poor. We only have the natural beauty we've been granted." My head was on his shoulder as I listened to his words and breathing, at the same time looking at the sky and falling into the strong feeling of calmness, letting it cure my mental wounds. I loved my life at this moment when there was nothing to remind me of the dirty divorce, or my death that inched closer and closer every day. For a moment I even loved this cursed mirror, relishing the airy scent of it and the way the lights illuminated the sky and our bodies.

"You show your ideals and morals through your clothes, too." I was surprised as those raspy words left my mouth. I hadn't realized that the mystery of clothes was so easy to solve. As if there had been a mystery before this: clothes had just existed without reason. Or then we were only making crazy assumptions to give us excuses to be naked in each other's company. "People can guess what I am like when I'm wearing my clothes." He nodded silently, urging me to go on. "When we are naked, we have already bared our bodies, given someone a permission to see us as we were meant to be seen. It's easier to bare our hearts and souls as well." This subject was something I had never given a second thought. I had never realized how much clothes actually told about their user, how much they covered and revealed.

He stroked my back with idle fingers, making chilly shivers go down my spine. I pressed even closer to him, if that even was possible, seeking out the warmth he generously offered. Our bodies were so lusciously entwined that I couldn't say where my body ended and his started. I wondered briefly if this closeness I felt was because of our current state of undress. But why should I care if everything was fine now?

Reluctantly I removed my arms from around him and stepped backwards so that I was able to see him in his full nude glory. This was so new to me since he was my first crush. I didn't know how to behave or what to say because our relationship was so odd and mysterious, full of obsession, love, hate, anger and worshipping. But neither Quatre nor Trowa could give me any good advice how to be with a male lover. I had to figure out everything myself, think a lot and make hard decisions.

"I'm so obsessed with you that I almost hate you." I leaned in again to whisper my feelings into his ear, biting the shell tenderly. That was the closest thing I could say safely because I still avoided the word love: it was too strong a word to use if you weren't sure about your emotions. I knew I adored him like he worshipped me, but love was something entirely different. I couldn't let him see me vulnerable like that yet, revealing my secrets to him. We all had a right to keep a few secrets, but the difference between my secrets and his was that the riddles of my heart concerned almost only me, but his secrets had a lot to do with other people, too: mainly me it seemed.

He gave a little laugh, throaty and tingling, shaking his head. "But I still love you." That small statement was all it took for me to start to cry again. This time I wasn't hysteric, only sad and desperate. He held me as the storm of fear raged in my mind, destroying the happiness I had felt a moment ago as well as the fragile mental walls I had managed to build against the growing fear of death. But now they all were tumbling down fast, like a house made of paper under an earthquake.

When my tears and crying had subsided a little, I heard a quiet and smooth sound coming above me. I almost started visibly as I realized that Heero was singing, or at least humming, some old-sounding song softly. He buried one of his hands in my hair as the other was tracing the contours of my face whisperingly. And all the time, he continued to sing. The melody was as beautiful as a single candelabra in the darkness, casting shadows on the walls and floor. It was low, but there were a few higher peaks. Heero's voice suited the song perfectly, going along with the melody and losing itself in it. Then I began to hear lyrics in the song and concentrated on listening to them. They were about war and its victims, despair and sadness. But it was also about friendship and loyalty. My mouth was open and my eyes half-lidded as I lost myself in him. The song made me forget all my sorrows once again, like he probably had intended.

Then it was over, gone with the last sad and long chord, where a boy cries because a girl he loved died because of the war. I was in a way fighting a war, too: a war of souls and wills.

"A girl from our orphanage used to sing this a lot. I don't know the name of it, or how old it is, but it's just so alluring that I can't forget it. I thought that maybe you'd love it, too. That maybe it would bring calmness to your mind." He sounded like he was re-living that memory of the girl singing it. "That girl had long brown hair like you do. She also had the most expressive eyes I had ever seen. And she was the most beautiful being on Earth, though we were dirty and grimy. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And she was so gentle..." I saw one solitary tear trickling down his cheek and dropping to the ground. I wiped away the wet trail it had left behind and traced his lips with my finger, tugging them childishly upwards and trying to make him smile a little.

"She died of pneumonia."

I could only stare blankly at him. I wasn't able to give any kind of comfort or support and I hated it. But he continued like he hadn't said the last comment at all. "You remind me so much of her... I will never let you go. I've lost one person I loved once, but I will never lose you."

It was silent in the mirror. I couldn't even hear my own breathing. Everything stood still and mourned for him. Then he suddenly swept me off of my feet and to his arms. He was cradling me like a mother cradles her baby, his arms under my neck and knees. I stared at him in wonder as his mouth was pressed against mine lingeringly. Then I felt something freezing growing inside of me, filling me with ice. My eyes opened and I tried to scream, but his lips were insistent and didn't let me go. Suddenly he pressed the hand that was holding my neck to my temple and pushed. Something inside me broke with a loud cracking sound as I continued to scream into his mind in agony. This pain was almost as bad as my first time of coming here was.

Then it was over and I was placed down lovingly. My eyes were full of terror as I stared at Heero's calm form. My voice was shaking badly as I asked him if he was trying to kill me. But Heero's answer was something I would never forget. He just looked at me and caressed my temples airily, making the pain in my head vanish.

"I just removed the mental blocks Relena had placed there. Now you are able to remember how we met for the first time. You will remember me."

Then he smiled at me lovingly, closing his eyes and promptly losing his consciousness.

 

 

End part 6