6-26-2001

Author: Leena, leeneero@welho.com
Disclaimer: I don't on GW or the characters, never have and never will. Plaah...
Pairing: 1x2
Rating: PG-13 for now...
Warnings: yaoi, weird, dark, AU, OOC(?), Duo's POV
Notes: I got the inspiration for this while washing and peeling the potatoes! Ehhh... don't ask. Must be the sun. and Ad... thanks for the great ideas!!! ^___^

 

PERFECT SUNSET AND THE MOON FOR ME 4/?

 

The first thing I felt was how my eyes seemed glued together: they just refused my will and didn't open. My whole body felt clumsy, as if I was too big somehow. I stopped struggling against my eyes that had betrayed me, but instead concentrated on the feelings around me. I was aware of my surroundings on a mental level only since my physical instincts weren't quite coherent at the moment. But I did remember that I was in the mirror, which had broken all the hidden emotions inside my mind.

I turned my head slightly, as if to look at something that wasn't there. My eyes still didn't want to open and I sighed resignedly, my body and mind unconsciously searching for some form of life around me. But I couldn't smell anything and I couldn't hear anything. Usually when there's something living near you, you can smell many different scents, mixing into one scent that is purely alive. And you should be able to hear something, even if it was only a light breathing. But because I didn't, I came to the conclusion that I had been left alone.

"Heero?" My only answer was the silence around me, just as I had guessed. I was alone.

For a moment I felt like crying. How could he leave me here alone? How could he abandon his mind like this, but still leave me here? Even if this happened only on a subconscious level of his mind and he didn't have a full control over it, he shouldn't be able to shut down his own mind like this. Ignoring your own mind meant that you were crazy, that you couldn't accept the facts of reality.

I could almost feel the ghostly feeling of his loving hands and full lips on me. My own lips tingled in response and I used all my strength only to give them a quick lick, to moisten them a little bit. But the feeling of my tongue only reminded me of his demanding one in my mouth, squirming and exploring. I let one bitter tear stain my face. It fell from my eyes, trickling down a path across my cheek and disappeared inside my ear, creating small waves of ticklishness on its way.

But that was the only tear I allowed to escape my closed eyelids. Slowly I felt a monstrous anger rising in me, making me struggle even harder against the invisible psychic bonds that held me down. I welcomed the new feeling of fury and fed it with all my heart. He had no right to do this! I was completely helpless at the moment, lying inside the mirror without being able to move, and he had left me! But the anger couldn't completely blind me and so I could listen to the rational part of my mind, which told me to get a grip of my fuming emotions and try to find out how to get out of this serious illusion.

Slowly, like a baby taking his first steps, I rolled over so that I was lying on my stomach. Though I had tried to be careful, the sudden movement caused me to stiffen when a tsunami of pain washed over me. Droplets of sweat formed on my forehead as I pushed myself up, my eyes still closed. I was grinning painfully now, my lips baring my teeth. I would be stronger than Heero in this lonely hell. I would survive because suffering for nothing didn't feel like a good option.

A mean thought began to form in my mind slowly like the snake corrupting Eden. If I was in his mind, I had to be in his head. And if I were in his head, I would be more than happy to give him at least a small portion of the pain I was feeling. I smiled evilly, my eyes glinting behind my closed and heavy eyelids, as I started to scream his name. And as if that wouldn't have been enough, I started jumping up and down in the airy ground until my feet hurt. I was so angry that I didn't care about the following consequences. Revenge is always as sweet as a tasty candy.

But because of my weak state I got tired very fast. I realized that I had to get out before I fainted again and blindly I started to make my way towards the portal. Ok, you got me there. Honestly, I had no idea as to what direction I was moving in. Everything was spinning in my head, not just the sense of direction. I felt my eyelids open deliberately as I concentrated my whole will on them. I wanted to witness the scenery around me, wanted it to feel my rage. Some sick part of my mind wanted to see the reflections of my rage coiling in the air, to watch them and feel satisfied by that. But when my sore eyes finally opened so, that I could peek out of the gap between them, I saw only blackness: no colours of anger, no colours of fear. Heero's very essence was gone and that's why the mirror was so endlessly black. Even the air around me felt deadly suffocating.

I didn't know what to do or what to feel. First I was angry, then scared. Then I felt a strong wave of panic and desperation rise in me, making me tremble. The only phrase I could think of was that he wouldn't be this cruel. He couldn't be this cruel. He had to desire me, otherwise he wouldn't have let me in, wouldn't have played any horrid games of the mind with me. I couldn't keep my tears or my sobs at bay anymore: they raked through my body as I willed my legs into a run, wanting to get out as soon as possible. This had to be just a cruel joke.

I didn't know what had happened when I collided with a solid, velveteen surface and started to sink in, my head going first. As I felt the familiar feeling of being between two realities, I realized that I had found the portal to my reality by accident. Briefly I noticed that there was no pain like there had been when I arrived. I guessed it was because now I wasn't trying to get into Heero's mind: I was trying to get away from that cunning prison of my soul.

And finally, after a moment that felt like en eternity, my body contacted with the floor of my room. I was so relieved that I just lay there, my limbs relaxing. I was free: the mirror had let me out of its frightening grip. I half crawled, half walked to my comfortable bed and fell asleep immediately.

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I never knew a simple family dinner could be so boring and awkward. Helen didn't notice it, of course, but I did. She had invited Relena to the dinner and after that to spend a comfortable evening together with us. She had wanted us, Relena and me, to meet and get to know each other well. Relena was the only one she could call a friend so I in a way understood her, though this whole evening had been an extremely bad idea. And the worst was still ahead: she had rented some romantic movie about endless love. Maybe this was only meant for a punishment because of my stubborn attitude and constant lack of interest.

Helen had cooked some Chinese food herself but it tasted like ash in my mouth. There was only one thing I still wanted to taste, and it was Heero. I can remember faintly how she used to cook for me and Solo when we were still a real family. Or at least we tried to be, since they never paid too much attention to me. If I could change something in my life, I would love to have had a different childhood. I would like to have had parents who would play childish games with me, tell me fantastic stories, teach me how to read properly and even go swimming to the blue ocean with me. But that never happened. I had born right after they had gotten married, when they were both watching the world through rosy glasses. Though they had taken good care of me, or at least that is what Helen told me, they had eyes only for each other. And when I grew up, their love died and vanished away like a frail autumn wind.

"So Duo, do you have a girlfriend yet?" Relena's voice was pure hot honey as she said out loud the words I had been dreading to hear.

I'm not sure if I was only imagining all the searching looks she had given me during the dinner or if they were for real, but now I was sure I could see the look of victory in her eyes even in the dim light of the waxed candles. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Helen smiling reassuringly at me, trying to convince me that it was a good thing to tell them. She was trying to play the good mother she never was, her long, blond hair falling to her face and her eyes glittering with partly faked happiness. I think she thought everything was fine now, when it was actually falling apart. She thought that she finally had the life she had wanted and that nature was playing on her hollow terms. But to me it looked as if it was Relena, who made her feel confident. It scared me because in a way, Relena and Heero were the same: they both were manipulative, enticing and hazardous and they both had something planned for us. And their eyes were the shade of blue steel that could shoot icicles.

But Helen obviously didn't realize the icy coldness between Relena and me. I almost flinched when our eyes met challengingly, her cool eyes staring right to my soul. Then I saw her smirk and nod towards my neck knowingly. 'Boyfriend?' Her mouth formed the word deliciously, her lips curving around the word almost as if she was trying to taste it somehow.

I had forgotten about my neck and the bruise on it.

I was at a loss for words; I could only stare at her, my eyes as cold as a stone. I had to put down the fork I was holding because my hand was trembling so much that I would have dropped it otherwise. Helen had finally noticed that nothing was right here and she looked confused. She lowered her gaze and started to eat in silence as Relena and I continued to fight silently.

"No." The syllable dropped from between my clenched teeth and the temperature of the room dropped. Relena echoed the word quietly, her voice mocking. It told me everything I needed to know. She knew I was lying, that I really had somebody. And even more specifically, she knew that the one who had such a power over me wasn't a girl. I have to admit that I feared her at that moment. I had an uncomfortable feeling, that she was testing me somehow.

"Excuse me." I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get away from Relena's knowing blue eyes and mocking smile. "I don't feel well." The excuse sounded lame even into my own ears, but Helen just nodded mutely, watching how her illusion fell apart. I started to walk towards the door of the dining hall, but Relena was faster than me and grabbed my arm. She wasn't overly strong, but I was too stunned to do anything.

"Are you going to see your boyfriend in the mirror now?" Her voice was dark and cold as she snarled the words. But I could swear that the coldness gripping my heart and freezing my stomach was even worse. She knew. I don't know how it was possible, but she knew. I forced my voice to be steady when I finally found the right words. "And what if I do?" My voice was quiet and I sounded really insecure. But Relena gave me only one odd and satisfied smile before turning to Helen again. "Your son is quite a boy." Helen was just staring at us: I saw she was hurt by the knowledge that I hadn't told her about my crush.

I walked quickly out of the room, not looking back. My thoughts were spinning like a wheel of fortune, though I didn't think I was fortunate at all. I was still furious because of Heero's cruel trick, but it didn't make me desire him any less. I was even lonelier than I had been before because now I had tasted a little piece of the cake of love and lust. But it wasn't enough: I wanted the whole cake.

I sighed as I sat on the wooden chair next to my writing desk. The air in my room was stale, as if I hadn't had the window open for ages. Now when I thought of it, I couldn't recall the last time I had opened it and let the fresh air fill my room. There had been too many things in my mind lately. Three nights ago Heero had disappeared. He hadn't showed up ever since and I was beginning to grow anxious, waiting for something unknown to happen. This whole sinister ordeal had affected me so much that even Quatre and Trowa had noticed it. They had been so worried that I simply couldn't lie to them. I had told them that I had fallen in love with an extraordinarily moody guy who had betrayed me. I had been surprised when the word "love" left my lips. I had never thought about Heero like that. Sure, I was obsessed, but obsession and love were far from each other. Still there was something about him that made me love him in my own way. It was almost as if I knew him somehow.

Carefully I pressed the right side of my face flat against the dusty desk, relishing the hard feeling. My hand reached longingly towards the window above the desk. It was a cloudy and chilly night and I couldn't see the pale moon. It didn't matter though; I could imagine how it was laughing at me, thinking that I was ridiculous, that I was delirious. I was laughing at myself in my mind, too. I laughed until I started to cry, the sobs wracking my young body. I was such a child! Weeping here, in my own room, just because everything felt like a disaster. I had been only fooling myself that everything was fine, that I was happy.

Even when I heard someone call my name, I didn't move. The sound was beautiful and it made me think of thousands of flowery little bells in a green forest and how their echo blessed my tortured soul. But it was only my name: three little letters forming a small and insignificant word. But the voice said it as if it was the most precious word in the whole world. I started to smile through my tears, listening to that almost foreign voice calling me. The voice made me feel relaxed until I realized that there was only one person in the world who could talk to me without being physically near me: Heero.

I turned to look at the shining mirror angrily and saw Heero standing there. A small smile graced his lips as he looked into my eyes, adoration staining his whole stern statement. Maybe I had been wrong about his feelings. Maybe I wasn't the only one who was enthralled by the other. But I was still mad and so I turned away, not looking at him. My voice was low and hissing as I spat out the words I had been longing to say. I cursed him and told him that he was a bastard without feelings. And the whole time I didn't even bother to look at him. I knew I had made him furious, more furious that he had ever been before and I was scared as a mouse inside, though I didn't let it show by continuing to wear my mask.

I felt a strong and odd wind coming from the mirror, making my hair flutter behind me. Then there was a blinding pain as my body was slammed against the hard mirror. The whole room was silent: I couldn't hear even my own breathing. My eyes were wide and full of endless terror as the mirror and Heero's will forcefully held me pressed against it. Heero's voice was like steely silk as his words pierced my heart again and again.

"You little fool. Did you think that I intended to seduce you and just leave you afterwards?" I could feel his hot breath against my ear even though there was that damned glassy surface between us. Then he bit down hungrily to the other side of my neck, drawing blood.

"Don't you know that I adore you? I worship you with my very soul. Isn't that enough?" All the fury was suddenly drained from his voice as he pressed light kisses to my neck through the mirror. I felt something cool inside me, sending shivers down my spine and chilling my heart as it wrapped itself around my heart. I realized with some morbid sense of fascination that the icicle around my heart was the other one of his ghostly hands. I couldn't so anything but hang limply in the air against the mirror.

"Don't be afraid." Heero's tone was calming. "I'm here to protect you, to keep your heart beating." He squeezed lightly with his hand, making me squirm and moan helplessly. He chuckled, the sound elated. "Ah, you can make such lovely sounds, my pretty. It would really be a shame if you got killed before your time."

My world stopped right there and then. It shattered like a broken porcelain bowl in Helen's kitchen. The cold feeling inside me grew until I couldn't breathe, until my heart broke. Heero didn't say anything, just let his words sink in.

I think I might have already died since it was the first time in my life that I really wanted to live.

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Heh... now BOTH Relena and Heero are behaving oddly! O_o

And Ad again, told you that I'd be using the snake somehow! ^___^

Anyway... I think this is going to be either seven or eight parts long.