7-21-2001

Author: Leena, leeneero@welho.com
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairings: 1x2, 5+R, 3+H
Rating: PG-13/R
Warnings: AU, overuse of the word 'drugs', dark, angsty, depressing, sappy, semi-songfic.
Notes: Maggi-honey... I love you. And if you once again tell me you're slow, I'm gonna thwap you ^__^

The songs I'm using here are 'Falling' by The Rasmus and 'Janie's got a gun' by Aerosmith. I'm using just some specific verses, not all. And they are not in any particular order, I just used the verse which suited the following or previous few paragraphs the best.

You'll understand when you read it *smiles*

And, last but not least, the way Heero thinks isn't the way I'm thinking. Their opinions aren't my opinions... just remember that ok?

[lyrics]

DO DRUGS THE WAY YOU DO ME

 

Heero smiled to himself slightly as he got up from the bed, feeling the cold floor under his bare toes. He turned to look at his long-term boyfriend, who was supposed to be sleeping next to him, but the only thing he could find was a short note that Duo had already left. Heero's statement crumpled the moment he read the note written on a yellow post-it paper, which was now fastened onto Duo's white pillow. Angrily Heero grabbed the note, tearing it into small pieces. He then stalked to bathroom with heavy steps, not minding about the cool surface under his feet anymore. Actually the feeling had changed to be a pleasurable one, since it was ice to his raging body and mind. But the thoughts of coolness disappeared quickly: he had something much more important and acute to think about at the moment.

So Duo was still mad at him.

[Falling, down with the sun.
I can't give it up, the night is calling me like a drum,
I keep on f-f-falling]

Heero sighed resignedly, leaning against the door of the bathroom. His hands grabbed the nearest towel tightly, then releasing their hold. The towel fell on the floor, unnoticed, as Heero stepped forward, reaching out for his toothbrush. The vigorous movements of his hand and the small brush against his teeth and gums brought him back from his annoyed reverie. For the first time he realized that he was drawing blood by brushing too hard. Heero snorted and walked out of the bathroom, his heavy steps echoing in the dark and silent hallway.

He and Duo had had a terrible fight last night about the cocktail parties Heero participated in. His co-worker and employer Relena Peacecraft and her boyfriend, the minister Chang Wufei, threw a massive cocktail party about every three weeks, to which Heero was always invited. This all had begun about a year ago, when the people from his office had decided to have a real Christmas party, with Santa Claus and all. Heero could still remember how prettily the room was decorated back then. There was a small, dark green Christmas tree standing in the middle of the room, decorated with white laughing angel figures, candles and silver vines that glittered softly in the dim candlelight. Heero had been surprised when he had entered the room and seen all this. All his friends had been there, too. A small smile tugged at Heero's lips as he remembered the faked angry looks he had gotten when he arrived late. He had laughed and blamed it all on the bus.

But the true reason was that he and Duo had had the first of their huge arguments right before the party. Heero had pleaded with Duo to come with him, to keep him company all night. But Duo had only snorted and told him strictly that he didn't like parties like that. In his opinion they were only organized because the people who had wanted to throw the party couldn't have fun by any other way than drinking. Heero's protests were shouted at the deaf ears that were currently trying to concentrate on the rock music blazing from their new stereo. It wasn't that Duo didn't like partying: he just wasn't that much into drinking. He loved to spend his evenings together with Heero, alone, sometimes going to the movies or eating and sometimes just cuddling on the couch, watching an old black and white comedy, like "Some like it hot". Duo didn't feel comfortable in a huge crowd of people his age: it made him nervous and the more nervous he was, the more he spoke. So he was likely to end up embarrassing himself and Heero completely by letting some secrets slip from his lips.

Though Heero knew Duo's fear and accepted him despite all of this by loving him with all of his heart and soul, he had felt the sudden anger rising in him, trying to break free from the modest confines of his mind. Then he was suddenly shouting at Duo, telling him how utterly boring he was at times and how he didn't think of Heero at all. The Christmas party was meant for the workers as well as their dates and it wasn't a drinking party. But Duo had countered with more angry and bitter words, his eyes blazing. The result was that Heero had run out of the house, trying desperately not to cry. With a single negative word Duo had managed to ruin his evening, which was supposed to be one of the best and nicest.

Or at least that was what he had thought.

But when he had finally arrived to the party and experienced the good atmosphere that was lingering in the air, his problems suddenly seemed to be only a far problem. After the toast all of the guests were guided to their own tables. Heero soon noticed that he was seated in the same table as Relena and Wufei, as well as a couple of other workers he didn't know that well. Relena had smiled at him pleasantly, offering him a little box in the palm of her hand. Heero had taken it suspiciously, not really wanting to know what was in the box, but when he saw everyone else in the same table receive one from Relena, too, he calmed down a bit and opened the black box.

What he found inside made his bones freeze over and his heart stop: two little pills, one light blue and one green. He could distantly hear a surprised gasp from his left, where a little blond guy with aqua blue eyes had opened his. Heero then briefly exchanged timid glances with the other people seated at the same table and saw them all to be at least as flabbergasted as he was. Despite all the glances and uneasiness her gift had caused, Relena hadn't lost her sweet smile. His boyfriend also smirked slightly and told then to have fun. Then he quickly put a small, light green pill into his mouth and swallowed it with a half glass of water.

It was the first time Heero got in touch with drugs. But it certainly wasn't the last.

[Made up my mind about the future]

Heero swore softly as he realized that he was already running late for the bus. Quickly he pulled his clothes on. It turned out that today's outfit was a crumpled grey suit with a multicoloured tie. Heero thought the tie was ridiculous, but Duo loved it because of its cheerfulness and in Heero's opinion, that was a reason enough to wear it. However, today the choice had been unconscious; he didn't want anything to remind him of his violet-eyed beloved at the moment.

Heero bounced to the kitchen, trying to pull his socks to his feet at the same time but not managing very well. His statement tightened and his mouth became a thin line as he noticed that Duo hadn't left him any breakfast at the table. But if he didn't leave now, he would certainly miss the bus. Cursing Duo's stubbornness once again he ran out of the house, grabbing the keys that were hanging on the wall next to their front door. He didn't realize that he had forgotten his brown briefcase until he was already in the bus. Heero wasn't sure if he should start to cry. This certainly wasn't his day, and he had only one person to blame for it: himself.

[Don't you tell me how I should be]

Heero stared out of the dirty bus window, his thoughts wandering. Next to him was sitting an elder lady, who was knitting something white. Across him he could see a teenaged girl, who was talking on a mobile phone. Heero guessed the girl was about seventeen and on her way to school. Suddenly he felt so annoyingly old: he was already 27 years old with a good and well-paid job in an advertising company. He lived in his own apartment, which he shared with his long-term lover and boyfriend, Duo. They had been dating for three and half years already, but the arguments they had had more and more often were something new. Sure, Heero knew every relationship had its ups and downs, but their constant fighting was something different. He knew their feelings hadn't changed, because they still expressed them freely, not hiding anything from the other. Heero loved his boyfriend with all of his heart, not wanting to let go. But sometimes Duo could be so damn narrow-minded. There was nothing wrong with taking a drug cocktail once in three weeks with his co-workers and employer. Really, there wasn't.

At first Duo had suspected that Relena had been after Heero, because he was invited to each and every party she kept, but when Heero had told him that Relena already dated the minister Chang, Duo had been convinced that it wasn't because of that. The next thing Duo had done was to try to prevent his love from going to the parties. He had tried to arrange some fun for just the two of them, but after only a couple of times, Heero didn't want that anymore. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy Duo's company, but sometimes he just wanted to let go and drugs happened to be an excellent way to do that. His usual combination was to take first a stimulant, or upper as they called them, then a depressant, or downer, and maybe later a tranquillizer of some kind to calm him down and help him to get some sleep easily. It was also to prevent the hangover that sometimes followed, even for days.

After a while Duo had stopped trying. He had just silently let his lover to go to the cocktail parties whenever he wanted, but he never asked Heero to tell what had happened in them. And Heero didn't. He recalled easily the few times he had seen a dead look in Duo's eyes, which were red and puffy from crying, and it still scared him. That happened always after the nights when he had taken particularly strong doses of different drugs and alcohol. Once he had woken up to the sound of crying. It had been after the first time he had taken cocaine and he had felt awful, his eyes and mouth dry and glued together. His whole body was shaking like a leaf, trying to make him throw up. He was sweating like a pig and his muscles felt at least two sizes too big for his skin. He was no doubt suffering from a fit which came from taking too much. Finally he had been able to get his eyes open only to see Duo crying there, next to him. When he had touched his shaking and frail shoulder, Duo had just collapsed against him bonelessly, sobbing into his sweaty shirt and wetting it with his tears. Heero could still remember how he had stroked Duo's free hair clumsily, trying to comfort his mourning love. But Duo had been desperate, clinging onto Heero with all his strength, even when he finally couldn't take the rising feeling of nausea or the convulsing of his body anymore, and threw up on the floor.

The next day had been silent. And it was then when they had their second big quarrel. At the end Heero had stormed out of the apartment, accusing Duo of trying to control his life and not giving him enough freedom. He knew it was wrong to say something that horrible if it wasn't true, but he had been too furious to think clearly. At that moment his brain really registered Duo as a selfish and cruel being. But when he had come back a few hours later and found Duo just sitting there on a sofa with a crestfallen statement, he had felt his heart melt. They had kissed and kissed, and finally made up, promising not to ever get that angry with each other.

They were promises made for breaking, Heero mused as he stepped out of the yellow bus. He stood in the gentle breeze for a while, not wanting to go to his stale office. But finally, when he had no other choice, he opened the glassy door and started his day of work with a dull heart full of anguish and sadness. And all that just because he missed Duo already.

When it finally was time for lunch, one of his few friends, Trowa, came to drag him out of his office. Despite his cold exterior, Trowa was an intelligent man and he had realized what had happened immediately only by looking at Heero's clothes and face. Trowa had felt compassion for his friend and taken him out for a coffee, silently trying to help Heero.

"Maybe, if you'd show him some kind of affection... some special kind of affection." Trowa's voice was deep and low as he pondered the different choices, occasionally sipping the hot coffee. Heero on the other hand just stared at his coffee mug, not wanting to drink. He was sure Trowa was thinking how lucky he was because of his successful marriage with Hilde. Heero really felt like the biggest motherfucker in the world. Duo was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he would be damned if he didn't know how to keep him close forever.

And suddenly he figured out how to make all of this up to Duo. He started to grin like an idiot, suddenly feeling like he could embrace the world. Trowa looked at him, concern written clearly in his face, but Heero just laughed a little, standing up. He dropped a few coins onto the table, nodding curtly towards the untouched coffee.

"I'm going to have a day off." His voice was as clear as water and as chilly as ice. Trowa looked at him with a dumbfounded statement. This lively Heero was so different from the melancholy being who had been sitting across the table only a little while ago. This Heero was behaving like he had invented a cure for AIDS or something. But Heero just laughed happily, watching as Trowa tried to digest the information Heero had just given him. Then he patted Trowa on the shoulder and walked away, whistling some odd tune, leaving Trowa sitting there with two cups of coffee, staring at Heero's back in his wake.

Heero was elated: he had figured out how to beg for Duo's forgiveness. He wasn't going to ask for it, no. He was going to beg like his whole life depended on it. And in a way it did. He glanced at his watch, realizing that it was already 1 pm, and Duo would be home at four. He had a teaching job in a high school, which was located on the other side of the town, and Duo usually used their car, because it was much more convenient for Heero to use the bus. Although Duo was only 26 years, a year younger than Heero, he was already a well-respected biology teacher in his school. The students loved him: his great looks, his witty remarks and his ability to keep the classes interesting. And the best thing was, that despite all this, Duo knew what he was talking about. He was one of the top biology teachers of their city, maybe even the whole country. Heero had never known such pride until he had learned about Duo's work. He could feel his heart swell whenever someone was paying a compliment to his loved one.

[I need a flame, I need a spark. Don't be afraid to open my heart.
I need a game, I need a shock. Don't be afraid, my heart is unlocked.]

He still remembered clearly the first time Duo and he had met when his friends had dragged him to see a soccer game for the first time in his life. He had thought the whole game was just so unbelievably boring, until a young man about his age had sat next to him, happily drinking Coca Cola and watching the game intently. Heero had instantly felt drawn to the guy's long, chestnut-coloured hair, which fluttered in the chilly wind. Slowly he raised his gaze upwards, meeting the profile of the youth: a little sharp nose, full lips and huge pools of violets, which turned out to be his eyes. Heero was simply mesmerized by the looks of the guy.

However, fate had decided to take part in his game, but this time it was against him. Or it was what he had thought at the very moment, when he accidentally dropped his own can of beer on the young man's lap. Heero cursed under his breath, blaming the wind, fate, and whomever that happened to listen, when he was suddenly staring straight at angry violet eyes, blazing in the chilly September evening. The full lips Heero first had thought were so lovely were now slightly open, baring the white teeth underneath.

"What the fuck are you trying to do?" The violet-eyed boy, who now reminded Heero more of a beautiful demon, snarled at Heero, trying to wipe the beer stain away from his black woollen shirt. Heero couldn't say anything: he just stared dumbly at the boy, his eyes wide. That wasn't supposed to happen! But before he could do anything, he found his lap full of cold Coke. The boy barked a laugh and stalked away, swearing and cursing all the time. Heero's friends had finally realized what had occurred just a minute ago, and they couldn't help but burst out in laughter. And there he was: sitting and watching soccer with his clothes soaked with Coke, and thinking about the feisty braided youth.

Nowadays Heero could only laugh at the silly memory. He had learned that Duo wasn't an angry man, who wanted revenge against the world. No, Duo was the most compassionate and caring person he had ever met. But it had taken a long time until he had finally realized it.

The second time he saw Duo was a couple of weeks afterwards. Heero had been queuing in McDonalds, wanting to order a McChicken meal. And the next thing he knew, he was staring straight into the same violet eyes he had seen at the game. But this time they weren't angry. They were laughing and silently mocking Heero.

"Hey, you are the one who dropped his beer on my lap, right?" Heero was shocked as the smaller boy manoeuvred his slender body next to him in the queue. He was grinning from ear to ear, offering his hand to be shaken.

"Duo Maxwell. Nice to meet you." The boy's cheerful attitude affected Heero so much that he decided to introduce himself, wondering all the time if fate had decided to play with him again.

"Heero Yuy? Such a nice and exotic name... Hey, why are we eating here when we could eat so much better food somewhere else? C'mon already!" And before he could do anything, the slim figure had dragged him away from the snack bar, pulling him towards a sushi bar right around the corner. Heero felt the first droplets of rain splashing on his face, mixing with his sweat. He had never been treated like this, like a rag doll. But Duo didn't notice anything weird at all. He just laughed happily because of the rain, humming "Singing in the rain" softly. And once again Heero couldn't help but feel awed and scared by this small human, who affected his heart so strongly.

Heero smiled to himself as he collected all the good memories of Duo and himself from his perfect biological photo album: his brain. It had been three and half dreamlike years now. They had moved in together after a year and half of dating, wanting to be sure that this was something lasting, not just a meaningless fling. But it had turned out to be the deepest relationship in both of their lives'.

[I made up my mind about the future, I made up my mind about the past.
I know I'm stable and able to hold on]

Heero watched nervously as Duo tasted the lasagna he had cooked, trying his best to look like Duo's opinion didn't matter. He stared down at his own plate, filled with the homemade lasagna and lettuce. Duo hadn't said a word since he had gotten home, two hours late. Heero had been ready to cry because of frustration, when he had waited for Duo to come home, the meal he had made growing colder every passing minute. Everything had been ready at four o'clock, only Duo had been missing. But now, though Duo was here, he was still obviously pissed off. Even the food didn't make him smile or feel good: that much was apparent. So they were just eating in silence, casting occasional glances at each other. Heero could see Duo from the corner of his eye, nibbling at the lasagna and poking the lettuce with his fork, not even pretending to eat. However, when his fork hit something hard and glimmering under the lettuce, his brows furrowed.

Heero held his breath, his hands involuntarily squeezing the utensils so hard that his knuckles turned white. He felt his cheeks burn as Duo looked at him with an odd statement, slowly lifting the lettuce with his fork, revealing a golden ring in a transparent glassy box. Heero's statement melted into a concerned frown as Duo lifted the box with his hands, examining it all over and tapping the glass gently with the pads of his fingers. Then his lips broke into a slight smile he just couldn't suppress. Heero breathed a sigh of relief as Duo turned to look at him, his eyes watering. He stretched out his hand, inclining Heero to take the box.

[I know that I'm stable and able to settle down,
but I keep falling]

"Duo..." Heero's voice trembled as he opened the important little box, taking out a shining golden ring with a small diamond in the middle of it. "I... This is... just so embarrassing." He huffed, frustrated, because suddenly he didn't know what to say. Duo was staring at him with a waiting statement, tears falling from his eyes.

"Ah, heck... let me talk." Heero raised his eyes to meet Duo's eager gaze that pierced him with love.

"I mean... we've been dating for ages. Three and half years is a long time, Duo. And you know that I really do love you, despite all of our quarrels and arguments. I really do. You mean a life to me." Heero stopped for a moment, trying to ponder how to carry on with his small speech.

"Now, when we both have our own careers, we're earning our own money and we're able to support ourselves, it wouldn't be a bad idea, now would it: you and I, sharing the rest of our lives' together... Singing in the rain and eating sushi. Heck, even watching those old comedies you like. And if you really want, we can even go to a soccer game and have a food fight again."

At this point of his speech Duo was laughing and crying, tears streaming down from his eyes. Heero bend forwards, kissing them away lightly and then taking Duo's left hand.

"I don't know what to say. I know we're constantly fighting over my drug parties," Heero hurried forward, seeing how Duo's statement changed from elated to suffering "but I'm willing to do anything you want just to make our life together a paradise without snakes. We can go to a counselling of some kind if you want..." Heero laughed a little, not looking at Duo. His cheeks were tinted with a slight rosy hue, going all the way up to his hair and down to his neck. He had never felt more unsure of himself before.

"Give me the ring." Duo's commanding voice made him look into his amethyst eyes, basking in the glow of them.

"Huh?"

"Give. Me. That. Fucking. Ring." Duo was getting more and more impatient, tapping his right hand against his jeans-clad knee. Heero felt like he couldn't breathe: this wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. But most apparently it was. The delicate hand in his was very warm and real and the scent of Duo's cologne was musky. He could almost feel the warmth Duo's body was offering him: he felt like embracing it and never letting go. This moment was something he was going to cherish just because it was a moment when nothing else mattered except Duo and him. With clumsy and shaking fingers he slipped the ring onto Duo's ring finger, too nervous to look at his eyes. But when the ring was finally in its place, resting against Duo's hand, Heero couldn't help but lean forward, trying eagerly to kiss his fianc

[Don't be afraid, my heart is unlocked]

Heero didn't have time to complete the leaning movement of his lips before he had his arms full of babbling Duo. Duo was hysterical, not being able to decide if he should be crying or laughing. So he simply did both and the results were awful. His face was puffy and dirty, his hair messy. Suddenly he couldn't breathe anymore because the laughter in his heart took all the oxygen he needed. Heero had started to laugh, too, and soon they both fell from the chair with a loud crash, tumbling onto the floor in a heap of tangled hair and limbs shaking with mirth.

Soon Heero's statement grew serious and he turned Duo's head to meet his gaze with his own. It felt like Duo was trying to penetrate him with his look, so hot it was.

"I love you, Duo." He rasped out the words, tangling his hands into Duo's long hair. To him it didn't matter that they were lying in the middle of their kitchen: he wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. At least now, when Duo was finally just smiling at him lovingly and stroking his face with the finger, where the engagement ring was now shining and glistening in the soft light.

"And I love you. More than anything." Heero moaned as Duo's caresses grew bolder and bolder, making his skin freeze and burn at the same time. Then he flipped them over so that Duo was now lying on top of him. He pulled Duo's head down to rest on his shoulders, caressing his back with tender hands.

"Now, we'll enjoy. Tomorrow, we'll talk." He felt Duo nod against his shoulder and start to kiss him. Laughing he jumped on his feet, scooping the smaller man into his arms and carrying him into the bedroom. Once inside he dropped his giggling and precious burden to the bed, diving right after his love.

[This life is so full of temptation, and I want to keep it that way
I know myself, I can handle the game]

Heero looked at his sleeping beloved, idly stroking his hair. Duo's body was still glistening with sweat from the previous night's activities, illuminated by the early sunlight. Heero didn't want to wake up yet: he had been dreaming of the two of them, having drug cocktails together. Suddenly his eyes snapped wide open. He had told Duo that he would give up anything to be with him. It wouldn't be a surprise if Duo demanded him to leave partying with Relena's sophisticated acquaintances. He wasn't a drug addict, because he was sure he would be able to stop whenever he wanted. It was just that the drugs always made him feel good. They were like a workout for the mind, healing all broken emotions and reconstructing the old ones. And being a polydrug user was even more blissful, because he was able to experience more than one peak in an evening.

He really wished Duo wouldn't make him choose. Of course, Duo would be his first choice, but what would make his life perfect was if Duo came with him to the parties. He'd love to teach Duo all the hidden and pleasurable secrets of drug cocktails. He would teach Duo never to mix LSD with any alcohol, or Poppers with Coke. He would tell Duo the safe cocktails and protect him from experiencing the awful state of mind that sometimes followed. Heero remembered a time when he had been paralysed for ten hours, not being able to move a muscle. He had stayed at Relena's just because he couldn't come home.

Now situations like this wouldn't happen anymore, because Duo would be there with him and not here, worrying and crying his heart out. Heero didn't realize how absurd his thoughts were, until he glanced at Duo, and saw his hand squeezing a lock of hair tightly and mumbling something in his sleep. Carefully Heero reached out to take Duo's left hand. He wanted to examine the ring he had given Duo: was it perfect after all? Because only perfect would be good enough.

"Hey, you pretty thing." Heero started when he heard Duo's sleepy voice only a moment before he was pulled taut against the lithe body next to him. "Did ya sleep well?" Heero smiled at Duo's slurring voice and pinched his nose gently. Then he bent his head to kiss Duo's parted lips, missing the taste already.

"Wanna spend the whole day in bed?"

Heero started to laugh, entwining his fingers with Duo's. "You little sex maniac...!"

That made Duo only more aggressive and with a primal cry he launched himself against Heero and started to hit him with a pillow. It was the first time for a long time since they had felt themselves so relaxed and free. Afterwards, when Duo had managed to win Heero thrice by tickling him, they were just laying in each other's arms, content. Heero didn't have the courage to open his mouth and start talking about the only problem of their relationship. But he didn't want Duo to start talking about it either. He wanted everything to work our without talking, because talking so easily led to arguments.

"You said you wanted to talk about something." Duo's quiet voice brought him out of his reverie and he knew instantly that this was it. "Though I have an idea about what you want us to talk about." Heero noticed with growing desperation how the sweet tone of Duo's voice had turned into a dry and hollow one.

They were silent once again, trying to figure out how to start discussing without hurting the other unintentionally. Heero looked out of the window when he heard a rasping sound, and saw the big and wet raindrops fall down on to the ground and windows. The whole atmosphere had turned from light and teasing into a serious and thoughtful.

[I need a game, I need a spark. Don't be afraid to open my heart]

"Just... give it one try and if you don't like it, I'll stop."

Duo stared at him, dumbfounded. Heero could see the battle of principles in Duo's eyes. He saw how much Duo wanted him to stop, but if this was the only way... Duo was torn between two different ideals, and it hurt Heero, too, to see his love trying to decide. But he couldn't back out now, when he had solved the problem. He was so sure that Duo would love their cocktail parties so much that he'd want more immediately. Taking drug cocktails didn't mean you were a drug addict: drug addicts needed drugs to survive. And Heero always calmed himself down by remembering the simple fact that he didn't have any withdrawal symptoms.

Minutes were passing slowly and Heero started to get more and more anxious.

"Okay." One small word, but it was all it took for Heero to start laughing, the sound relieved and happy. He hugged Duo tightly, not letting go although Duo tried to struggle and worm his way out of the strong embrace. But Heero's joy ended as quickly as it had begun when he saw the moisture in Duo's eyes, waiting for the right moment to break free. And the most horrifying thing happening at the moment was that Duo started to cry abruptly and bitterly, pounding Heero's naked chest with his fists.

"Oh God, I'm going to end up as a drug addict..." Heero was almost awed by Duo's primal fear towards something as simple as drugs. He let Duo cry, not even trying to speak any sense to him while he was still sobbing. But when Duo had finally fallen silent, Heero started to speak in a low and soothing voice, trying to reassure Duo that it was ok.

"Duo, love, drugs aren't dangerous if you know how to mix them right. And you've got me, right? I'll be there to see that no one gives you anything suspicious. I'll make sure you and I both know what combination you are using and if it's safe or not. Ok?" Duo nodded slightly against his shoulder, nuzzling the skin of his throat.

"You'll take care of me, right?"

Heero only hugged him tighter, manoeuvring Duo's legs around his waist. "Of course, you silly. Do you really think I would let you go now, when everything's finally like it should be; we're getting married. Tying the knot, you know." He tugged Duo's ear, making him laugh a little.

"But if I don't like the experience, you'll quit. Do you promise?"

"Yes. But believe me, love, you will. I'll give you the best drugs in the world, only to keep you happy."

"Ok... if this is the only way, I'll do it. Only because I love you so much and I don't want to see you becoming a drug addict."

[Honey, honey, what's the problem? Tell me it ain't right.]

"How do I look?" Heero grinned as he watched his gorgeous fianctrying to see himself from the behind. Duo was wearing black slacks, a bit more glamorous than his normal black jeans. He had a wine red, silky tank top on and his hair was only halfway braided, leaving the ends to swing freely. The whole outfit was crowned with black CAT shoes, made of leather.

"You look absolutely terrific. Beautiful. Sexy." Duo turned around and smiled at Heero, trying in vain to conceal his nervousness. This was supposed to be the night, when Duo would have his first trip. Heero had asked Relena to send Duo a special invitation because he believed Duo would feel more confident if he was invited. Heero knew about Duo's fear of huge crowds, but he had explained that there would be only about twenty people there. Cocktail parties like this were extremely illegal: they had to keep everything a secret. What would the people say if they knew that the minister Chang used drugs together with his lovely wife? Only a few people were allowed the honour to get an invitation. Heero was one of them, and that naturally included Duo, too, considering their close relationship.

When Heero had mailed both his and Duo's cocktail requests to the current mixlogist, he had gotten back a reply where the mixologist had congratulated him for the engagement. Heero had no idea how he had known, but rumours seemed to be spreading though they never were started in the first place. But this would mean that he and Duo were treated as special guests because of their recent engagement.

The last month had been without a doubt one of the most amazing in Heero's life. He and Duo had spent almost every waking hour together, having walks in the forests and parks, cooking, watching movies or making love. It was almost like they were a new couple, which was just experiencing the possibilities of love. It felt like the engagement had brought them closer and closer together, until it was hard to realize who thought what. But not once did they mention the upcoming cocktail party. It was definitely a forbidden subject.

But now, when the moment was at hand, even Heero felt a slight shiver of nervousness climbing up his spine. What if Duo didn't like the cocktail he had chosen him? Blind Swing was a mild one: it only contained two different drugs, an upper and a downer. For an upper Heero had chosen amphetamines, because they were supposed to make the user feel excited, energetic and confident. He wanted Duo to have fun and confidence was one of the key words. Sometimes he wondered how Duo could be a teacher, but Duo had explained it by telling that the feeling of nervousness only came in a crowd, where the people were about the same age as him. Heero didn't quite understand that, but he wasn't going to question Duo more about his dilemma. He had much more important things to do at the moment.

He had thought about the right downer together with Relena, who had more experience of the subject at hand. He had suggested Valium, but Relena had only snorted and said that she knew something even better. So they had ended up with ordering temazepam, which was the only tranquillizer that was illegal without a prescription. Blind Swing had been the only drink to include only these two drugs, and that was that. One of the good points was also, that both of those drugs were in a form of pills, and so they were easy to take. For himself Heero had ordered a cocktail including LSD and ketamine. Ketamine was a bit like temazepam, because both of them were tranquillizers. That was a cocktail that really blew Heero's mind.

They had both dressed up, because these were like normal cocktail parties: formal clothing was needed. Heero was wearing black pants, too, and a cobalt blue shirt. He had tried to comb his unruly hair and calm it down, but it had done no good. The only good thing about it was that he had made Duo laugh. Hero had been more than happy since Duo had been so anxious and nervous the whole day.

"Are we leaving soon?" Duo's hesitant voice rang in Heero's ears loudly, as he wrapped his arms around the braided beauty, turning him to face his serious statement. He then took a firm grip on Duo's chin and brought their lips together in a promising kiss. Their tongues danced together and Heero was in Heaven. Being with Duo made him feel content and loved.

"Stop. I'm too nervous."

Heero started unblinkingly at his love, not believing what he was hearing. One just couldn't be too nervous for kissing. "You can't be serious."

"Yes, I am. Heero," Duo's voice held a scared undertone in it. "I'm afraid and I'm scared. This is something I've never even thought of doing." Duo was wringing his hands unconsciously, trying to cope with all of this. Heero sighed, his thoughts already heating up.

"You should have said it earlier. But if you are that scared, we don't have to go. I'll give our cocktails to someone else."

Duo looked at him hopefully, but seeing the barely concealed annoyance in the face of his fianc he took a shuddering breath and grabbed Heero's hand, pulling him towards the door. Heero started at Duo's back wonderingly, until he heard that soft and resigned voice.

"Anything to make you quit."

[Falling, down with the sun.
I can't give it up, the night is calling me like a drum
I keep on f-f-falling]

"To Duo and Heero!"

"To Duo and Heero!"

Heero smiled as they had a toast for their engagement. He had been right: they were the very important persons of the night. Even Duo looked fairly relaxed, sipping the red wine they had with the meal. Relena's and Wufei's chef had made a well-done pepper steak with garlic butter on top for all the guests. Everything was clean and normal, and it made Duo feel better. Once they had sat down after the toast, Heero had taken Duo's hand in his, trying to reassure him that everything was going to be alright. He could sense Duo's surprise as he realized that these kinds of parties weren't snotty at all. This was almost like a formal business dinner in a fine restaurant. There was no trace of the drugs yet, only a group of people chatting and eating. Heero knew almost all of the people, because they had all been to the earlier parties. There were even some really famous people, like actors and actresses. Not on an international level, but in their country. A lot people would get a bad reputation were someone to gossip around about Relena's parties. The risk was huge, but it had to be taken.

They all were dressed glamorously, women in short skirts and glittering tops and men in outfits much like Heero and Duo's. The atmosphere was pleasant and comforting, not anything Duo had expected. Heero saw how Duo's thoughts reflected from his eyes. Maybe this night would be a splendid chance for both of them to have fun in Heero's way together after all. Heero could honestly say that he had been afraid that Duo would have bolted out of the room, not bearing the pressure he was putting on his shoulders. But Duo seemed to be doing just fine.

"It looks like I was at least a bit wrong." Heero was surprised to hear those words coming from Duo's lips in a rueful voice. But he never was a person who didn't take advantage of a situation like this. So he pressed his lips to Duo's, not minding about the other guests, who were watching them with amused glances and good-willed smirks. They were so engaged in trying to swallow the other wholly that they didn't realize when the other guests and their hostess stood up and left them alone. But when Heero finally noticed that they had been left alone, he cursed loudly and dragged Duo out of the finely decorated dining hall. He knew that it was time for the cocktails now.

[Made up my mind about the music, made up my mind about the style
I know that I'm stable and able to settle down]

Heero enjoyed the light-headed feeling he currently had in the back of his mind. His trip had started wonderfully with LSD and he knew that the effects lasted for something like eight to ten hours. Everything was fine now: his movements were speeding up at first, then slowing and then speeding up again. The room was darker than normally and the figures and objects moving around it more dusty. It felt like he was in an amazing dream, experiencing the good things of life all at once. He was completely in his own world, not even wanting to break the sacred atmosphere that tiny tablet had given him. He had completely forgotten Duo, who was sitting next to him and giggling wildly, until his dilated pupils suddenly found his lover.

Heero felt the beautiful feeling leaving him little by little, just so that he was able to make out the outlines of Duo's alluring figure more sharply. He could faintly make out the laughing and chatting lips and the slender upper body that was swinging gently in sync with the music blazing from the stereo. Heero threw his head back happily, sinking back to his own world. Faintly he could feel someone kissing him hard and talking to him all the time. Then someone climbed on top of him, straddling his lap gently. But Heero couldn't recognize the figure as he sank deeper and deeper, relishing the fact of absolute happiness.

[I keep on f-f-falling]

Approximately four hours later Heero felt he was ready for his ketamine pill. He looked for the mixologist, who had all the drugs hidden somewhere. He couldn't see Duo anywhere.

[Down with the sun]

"Hey Heero!" He turned his head when he heard the voice he so loved. Duo was there, coming down the massive stairs, bouncing excitedly.

"Guess, what?!? I played poker with Death!"

"And then what?" Duo was now running straight towards him, his arms spread wide open. Heero was still so much in his own dimension that he didn't have enough reflexes left to react before he was knocked down. Duo was lying on top of him, smothering his face with small kisses.

"I lost."

[I can't give it up]

Another four hours. The ketamine pill Heero had taken had calmed down his burning body greatly, allowing him to take a look at Duo.

However, what he saw wasn't what he had imagined he would see. Duo was sitting in the corner of a sofa, taking in shallow breaths. His whole posture was tense as a wire and he was gripping the sofa tightly, not letting go. Heero's statement became worried as he looked at Duo's face. A shining layer of sweat could be seen as Duo's lips moved silently, repeating some slurred words over and over again. Heero's mind registered the fact that Duo was clearly panicking, and he had to try to calm him down. So he sat next to Duo, and pulled his flailing body against him tightly, speaking in a low and loving tone, soothing Duo and trying to make him feel better. Heero felt fear squeezing his heart when Duo opened his mouth, and the only thing that came out was a drowsy slurring sound.

"Tha' 'fei guy... gave me... a paper..................... wante' me to feel bettah...." Heero could feel the panic rising in him faster then he had thought was possible. Wufei had given Duo LSD on Duo's first trip? What the fuck was that guy thinking?

"'s ok... engagement present....." A few tears were falling down Heero's cheek as he recognised all the symptoms of an overdose: Duo was panicky, tense and drowsy. He hurriedly placed Duo in recovery position on the couch, his mind screaming at the others, begging them to do something. His brain hadn't still recovered from the recent trip, but he realized the danger Duo was in.

He turned to stroke Duo's forehead gently, talking to him about their wedding. Heero told him how much he loved Duo's idea of summer wedding. It would be perfect: nature would only make Duo look even more beautiful than he already was. On their wedding night they would make love until they were so tired that they would fall asleep mid-kiss. They would go on a holiday to some exotic and faraway country.

Heero talked and talked, sharing his dreams with his love. His mind was foggy, not being able to feel fear for long. He felt like the world loved him. The drugs he had taken loved him and gave him the feeling of happiness.

But when he finally leaned in to press a kiss on Duo's cheek, he realized that Duo was unconscious.

[The night is calling me]

"SOMEONE CALL THE FUCKING AMBULANCE!!!"

[I keep on falling]

Heero watched absently as the people continued to walk by. He was in a hospital and had been for five hours now. Duo's condition had been critical when he had been brought in. Heero remembered vaguely how he had been taken through the menacing light green doors he could see from his seat. Then Heero had just waited and waited, trying to make his head clearer. He was feeling such deep anger towards Wufei, that he couldn't even voice it. What was that motherfucker thinking? How irresponsible could he possibly be? To give LSD to a first-timer, who had already had two different drugs!

Heero buried his head in his hands, wanting to see Duo desperately. He wanted to make sure Duo was ok, that they would get their summer wedding. A small sob escaped his lips as the forbidden image of Duo's corpse came to his mind. No! Duo wasn't going to die!

"Mr. Yuy?" Distantly he heard a voice calling him back from his desperation.

"Mr. Yuy." He raised his head slightly, looking at the doctor, pinning his gaze. Heero knew he looked like a wreck: his clothes were crumpled and his eyes red. He was sure his hair was sticking to all possible directions and his hands were shaking badly. He tried to suck the information of Duo's condition from the doctor without having to listen to that voice.

"Yes?" He tried his best to sound professional, steeling his tone and heart.

"Mr. Maxwell has been brought back to his room now. But - "

The doctor didn't have time to finish his sentence since Heero was already running down the corridor where he had seen Duo taken. He saw a nurse and attacked her with his words, wanting to know the number of Duo's room. The nurse was taken aback, but after a while of checking through her lists she managed to stammer the number of the room. It was all Heero needed to start smiling uncontrollably, almost starting to laugh. Duo was alive! Duo was really ok.

The white corridors flashed in front of his eyes as he walked quickly to the room number 12, slowly peeking in from the small window. Duo was there, lying on the white hospital bed, sleeping. Heero was surprised because he couldn't see any signs of surgery or operation in Duo: he had no IV in his hand and no bronchial tubes in his mouth. He was just sleeping peacefully, lips curved in small smile. Heero couldn't just watch like a voyeur anymore: he had to touch Duo. He had to feel that soft skin against his lips and his hands, so full of life. Suddenly an embarrassed smile crossed Heero's lips. He just realized that he didn't have any flowers to give Duo. Wasn't it a tradition to bring flowers when you went to see someone who was in a hospital?

Heero hadn't noticed that the doctor who had come to talk to him earlier was now standing behind him. But when the doctor reached for the lock with a key, Heero turned to glare at him angrily.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Let me in!"

[Don't be afraid to open my heart.
Don't be afraid, my heart is unlocked.]

Slowly Heero made his way to Duo, who hadn't moved at all.

"Hey there, you pretty thing." His voice held such gentleness and adoration that the doctor had to look away from the scene presented in front of him. "You gave me quite a scare back then. Promise you'll never do anything like that again!"

"Sorry I don't have any flowers... But I was too busy waiting for some information about your condition. I didn't have time to buy any. But tomorrow... I can bring you roses. Or would you like some lilies instead?"

Duo didn't answer him, but Heero didn't care. He was so elated that his beloved was alive and healthy. Now, when he had experienced a drug overdose so closely, it wouldn't be hard for him to quit doing them. Or, like he always repeated to himself: he never did drugs, he just had a few drug cocktails. There was a huge difference between those two things. He smiled when he remembered Duo's words. He was pretty sure this hadn't been a positive experience for Duo, so it was only fair that he would quit. They would have to figure out some nice things to do now, when Heero didn't have anything else to do.

"Would you like to go out and have a picnic someday?" He sat there on the bed, next to Duo. For the first time he realized how pale his mate was. The only colourful thing in Duo was now his hair, which was open and tumbling down from the mattress. Frowning slightly, Heero took his hand, stroking the fingers briefly before entwining their fingers.

"Why is he so pale?" Heero couldn't understand how someone so lively could look so dead.

"Why is he so cold?" Suddenly a tinge of fear pierced Heero's heart, as he stared down at Duo's unmoving mouth. Then he bent down, placing a small kiss on those pale and dry lips. His eyes widened and he dropped Duo's hand abruptly.

"Doctor... why is he... not... breathing?" Heero's voice vanished into thin air as his world came tumbling down. He grabbed his shirt, squeezing it violently. Then one of his hands found it's way to Duo's chest, pressing down lightly.

"Why is his heart... not beating?" His voice was as soft as a flower, full of sorrow and endless pain.

[Dum dum dum, honey what have you done?]

"Mr. Maxwell died an hour ago because of the drug overdose. We did everything we could but..." The doctor's voice didn't reach Heero's ears anymore. He could only hear Duo's cheerful voice in his head. 'I played poker with Death and I lost'.

He should have realized it by then, he though bitterly, fighting the sobs. He hadn't given Duo any hallucination drugs... He should have guessed that someone had give him some extra. He should have done something!

He shouldn't have forced Duo to do drugs in the first place.

It was his fault at least as much as Chang's.

Mourning and wrenched sobs found their way out of his chest and lips, filling the air in that small hospital room. Heero grabbed Duo's shoulders and buried his face in Duo's neck. It was cold, so cold, and lifeless. Heero couldn't hear or feel any signs of life: no circulation, no pulse. He shook Duo violently, not being able to cope with the recent knowledge.

"Duo, come on... wake up. Duo... wake up. Come back." He raised his head, looking at Duo's face, willing him to open his eyes and look down at him with violet and worshipping eyes. Other one of his hands twined itself around a lock of Duo's hair, tugging it forcefully but childishly.

"C'mon, wake up!"

Nothing happened.

"Come back damn it!!!" Heero had no idea that he was screaming and crying desperately, hugging Duo's dead body closer still. His sorrow and pain was endless as he held his lover. And he cried and cried, until he had shed all of his tears. But still he continued to cling onto Duo's body, demanding he come back to him and wake up.

Two pairs of strong arms took a good grip of his shoulders and pulled him away from Duo. He started to struggle, wanting to be close to Duo, but the security guards were too strong. He was held immobile against the muscled bodies and forced to watch as the doctor started to pull the white sheet over Duo's features. Heero could make out the shining ring in Duo's fingers through the watery haze in his eyes. He stretched out his hand in vain, trying to take it. His entire body was shaking and his soul was breaking.

"Give me the ring." He remembered how Duo had said the same words to him with laughter written all over his young face.

"Give me the fucking ring!" His voice rose again, desperate and still crying. The doctor looked at him pitifully, trying to pull the solitary ring off of Duo's finger.

"I can't, his fingers are too swollen... I'm sorry."

And before Heero could even think, he had wrenched himself free from the grasp of the guards, running away from the horrible scene burnt forever in his soul.

[Run away, run away from the pain
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah]

He needed drugs now. He needed heroin to take away his pain. He was starving for crack because it would give Duo back to him. Even if it was only a hallucination.

[Run away, run away from the pain
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah]

He wanted the drugs and he wanted them now.

[Run away, run away, oh, run away]

And after that he wanted revenge.

[He ain't never gonna be the same]

-----------------

Ok... *eeps and waves the 'Fight the angst'-banner* I tried, I really did... But ... oh, well.

Anyway, I'm sorry if (and when) I got something wrong, since I have no personal experience with drugs. I interviewed a few friends of mine and did a lot research. Also, the July issue of Cosmopolitan gave me this idea... as well as some terms and information.

And finally, I'd like to remind you again, that neither Heero or Duo's thoughts are my thoughts. Don't think so.

So... that was pretty much all I guess... Hope you all enjoyed despite all the angst.

Did I even make anyone cry? It was my intention, but well... dunno if this was as sad as I thought it would be.

Comments? Criticism? FEEDBACK??? ^_______^