Next in the Italian songfic series, this is a direct companion and sequel to "Un Attimo Ancora," basically retelling the events from Trowa's point of view, and a partner to the first two "Un Inverno da Baciare" and "Una Canzone d'Amore." ^_^ Enjoy!
Notes: The song is "Quello Che" by 99 Posse. It's a nice, catchy song, one of those that gets stuck in you head for weeks at a time. Once again, the mp3 is available to anyone who wants it. Gomen to Quatre fans. I'm one too, and I didn't want to bastardize Q-chan, but I needed a plot. Don't worry, he's going to redeem himself to some extent in the end of this one.
Warnings: Major YAOI warning, OOC, angst, character torture, just a little bit of violence.
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and I am making no money
doing this. The song used for the "songfic" is not mine either.
Suing me is no good, since the sum total of my posessions is a rather small
anime and manga collection, one rather smelly little dog, and my beloved
Theyre going to catch us soon. Duos beside me as I run, being slowly overtaken by the soldiers who follow us. I dont mind being caught. I dont mind being injured, or even killed. But you are back there, koi, and Im not going to let them get you. If I have to fight forever, if I have to take a thousand bullets, I will not let them take you.
Running. Im running. Such a familiar sensation, this. Ive been running for so long. And, happily, its only in you that I find my repose. Its very strange, wanting to trust someone. The first time I came to Earth, I didnt trust anyone. I never had. You were the first, showing your faith in me. Slowly, the others worked their way past my barriers and came to be so important to me. But you, koi, though I dont understand it, are something altogether different.
Kuso. Theres a dead end. Were going to be caught. Strange, the irony of the situation. You are my dead end, in a sense. When you stand in my way, there is no longer anywhere to run. Its definitely something I depend on. Duo mutters a few curses and turns, drawing his gun, and I follow suit. Were never going to win. If I learned nothing else of use during my years as a street brat, I learned this: always look realistically at the situation. Do that, and you survive. Duo knows this as well. I can tell from the way he holds the gun that hes only trying to pick off as many as possible before they take him down.
I cant see you any more, lost down the curved hallway. Please be safe. I dont anything happening to you. You are my support, my rock. If you are hurt, where can I turn? I must preserve you. Be safe. I need your strength now.
È inutile cercare un perchè.
Non cè mai stato niente di spiegabile.
Tutto doveva succedere.
Niente sembrava possibile.
Its useless looking for a why.
Theres never been anything explainable.
Everything had to happen.
Nothing seemed possible.
Im hit, in the shoulder. Ah, nothing serious. Though my breathing is getting a little difficult. Rough hands are all around and on me, pushing me quickly through the metal hallways to whatever prison they have arranged for us. Duos worse off than me. Hes cant walk, since he was shot in the leg, and they are dragging him along behind. I wish I could help him. We reach the door, it slides open, and I am thrown in, falling, face cracking against the cold metal of the floor. Not the most comfortable circumstances, but Ive know worse.
I have a weak side, you know. I rarely show it, but there is something, some fear in me left over from my childhood, if it could be called that. I dont think it can really. A child is ignorant, and I have never been ignorant. It implies innocence, and I am not that either. Above all, it implies the curiosity and wonder for the world around that I never had. When youre bent on survival, there is little time to wonder why the sky is blue, or, in my case, why the sky looks like the ground upside down. I never had a childhood, neither did any of us five, except you. I believe you did, and that is part of what endears you to me. Not innocent any longer, no, but still with the kindness and curiosity left over from happy years to make you seem so much more human than me or Heero or even Duo.
Its dark, and Duo is making some sound of pain that I have no name for, but am familiar enough with. He looks at my shoulder wound, and curses. Shit, man. Just a few inches, and youd be pushing up the daisies, if you know what I mean. Wrung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible and all that. One nice thing about Duo, he usually doesnt have any problem saying exactly whats on his mind.
The door slides open again, and I am temporarily blinded. They throw another limp figure into the cell, sliding the only passage to freedom quickly closed again. Its you. Oh, God, theyve caught you. Youre here, and bleeding. This cant be. Not after I promised myself that I would keep you safe. Thankfully, your injury is shallow, and you arent in any danger of your life. I, on the other hand, have been mortally wounded by your state, and will die if you do not wake soon and breathe back into the life I felt flutter at your capture.
Un imprevisto prevedibile.
E la mente sii fallabile.
Ma saprò rispondere
Se mi vorrai chiedere.
An unpredicted predictable.
And the mind is fallible.
But I will know how to respond
If you want to ask me.
Duo helps me move you to one corner, and goes to the other, quite obviously showing that he understands better than he lets on. Its good that hes a friend. One of few that I trust. But you have more than anyone, koi. It took you so long to win it, but you were persistent, convincing me of your sincerity. A stunning gift, and one I accept gratefully. Only will that I could speak better and assure you of my feelings that I have never been able to express very openly. Would that you could know me better, though you already understand more than anyone alive or otherwise.
Youre awake. I can feel you moving your head against my hand in your hair. It is a wonderful sensation, even if we are stuck in a dark, damp cell in enemy hands. Gods help me, but I want to stay like this forever. You, though, have other plans. You sit up abruptly, shocking me. Whats wrong with what I was doing? Are you so surprised? Or was it just the resurgence of memory of where you are and what happened?
Qualè la versione integrale dei tuoi pensieri?
Qualè la traccia nascosta dei tuoi desideri?
Whats the simple version of your thoughts?
Whats the hidden trace of your desires?
I can feel the old insecurities creeping back upon me, and Im scared of them. It must be apparent on my face, because you look suddenly alarmed. You ask about Duo, and I tell you, quietly, what has happened. I can sense something wrong about the way you are acting. Another street brat survival skill. Learn to tell peoples intentions from the air about them. I ask if you are ok, and there is no response. Not a good sign. Then, words from a nightmare fall from your lips.
You are telling me suddenly about thoughts you have been having about our relationship not working out. Not wanting me any more. And on and on and on I can feel all my walls closing in around me once again, curling in on myself, though not before a few tears escape my eyes. This cant be true. Shut up! Be quiet, and tell me that is was all some strange accident. Please, gods, let me wake up. This is not possible. Its not. Then, just when I think I must be dreaming, the door opens and light pours in, suddenly throwing illumination into my own mind, and I see that this is real, this is happening. The nightmare is coming true.
No no no no no no no, non devi più parlare.
No no no no no no, non cè niente da spiegare.
No no no no no no no, you shouldnt talk any more.
No no no no no no, theres nothing to explain.
Unconsciously, numb, I watch Duo stand and walk to the door. I hear you protest as well, but he looks at me, and I unconsciously keep you back. His intention is plain. He will leave us alone, thought whether he respects what we have had, or because he heard the conversation, I do not know. Judging from the look he gave me, I would say the latter.
You start to talk again, making excuses, it seems, but it doesnt matter anymore. What I had in you is broken, and now I want nothing more than to die. I took that chance, koi. I trusted you because you asked me too, promised me something lasting, and now look where we are. You want me to understand, to please try to reason. Well, Im beyond that point now. Gomen nasai, koibito. This one isnt going to heal. I dont want to understand.
No no no no no no no, basta sentire.
Credimi. Non cè niente da capire.
No no no no no no no, its enough to hear.
Believe me. Theres nothing to understand.
Duos been brought back. Hes in pretty bad shape, but it doesnt really matter to me anymore. I just want an escape, even if it is into enemy hands. They could never hurt me as badly as you have. So I go, and leave you with Duo, hoping something will have changed when I return, knowing nothing will.
So this is their interrogation room, is it? Its not so forbidding to me now. Theyre asking me something, but I dont hear and cant respond. Ah, their fists are on me. I dont feel anything, though. The numbness that began in my heart is suddenly spread throughout my body. The blackness is drawing closer. Blessed oblivion. Oh, gods, please let them kill me. It would be so much easier than facing this world alone again. Its hard enough with you, and now I dont think I can survive.
There. Darkness. Its almost within my reach. I think theyve given up on asking questions and are just trying to get some response out of me now. Well, sorry guys. Its your job, and I dont begrudge you doing your work, but you arent getting anything out of me tonight. You were my light, koi. You kept me afloat on a sea of agony and lifted me above the things of everyday warfare. You meant so much. You still do. Heaven help me, but I still love you. If I didnt, it wouldnt hurt so.
Quello che sei per me
È inutile spiegarlo con parole.
Con le lotte troverò.
Cercando nuovi accordi e nuove scale.
What you are for me,
Its useless explaining it in words.
With fighting I will find.
Searching out new promises and new heights.
What? Someones here. Someones undoing the handcuffs, lifting me, supporting me. Heero? Then Im not dead. Why arent I dead? I want to die. I know where hes taking me. Back to you. I cant face you, koi. I cant ever look into your eyes again. I know you will hate me, be disgusted by my weakness at not leaving the past lie. But I cant make my body speak to tell Heero to let me go, or even to ask him to kill me so I will not have to face you. I slip gratefully back into the consuming darkness. If Heero wants to save me so badly, hell keep pulling me along. On the other hand, if I drag enough, maybe hell give in and shoot me
Hands on me, warm and soft. Like yours. Wait a minute. They are yours! Youre touching me, holding me, as if younever said anything. Did I just imagine it, perhaps? A bad dream, quickly washed away by the bright light of morning? Very, very hesitantly, I raise my head to meet your eyes. They are sad and apologetic and filled with tears. Whats happened?
Dal silenzio delle cose non dette
Al silenzio delle cose tascuite.
Alle promesse regalate telepaticamente.
From the silence of things not said
To the silence of things that dont need saying.
To promises given telepathically.
I passed out again after we were rescued, and now Im staring at the ceiling of my room, our room. It has never held such fascination for me as it does now. I dont know where you are, and honestly, I dont think I want to know. This is too much to deal with now. Oh, but the door opens. Youre not going to give me a chance to recover, are you? I can see you, hanging in the doorway, uncertain. Oh, koi, you dont know how much I just want to go to you and beg you to please not leave me. What an obstinate heart I have.
You walk to where I lie, and I sit up, noticing that I am unclothed if you dont count the bandages. What a situation this is. But this time, I feel nothing. The familiar stirrings in my body are absent. Im still fairly numb. You have that look on you face again, the one I saw last night. Its a pained, tearful look, and I wonder why you dont leave if being around me hurts you so much. Then, you open your mouth and speak. What is it you are saying? I cant focus well on the words. No, I must be dreaming. I must have heard wrong, through this haze over my brain. You just apologized. But the words, the ones I so longed to hear, are there, coming from your mouth, and I think I should be happy, but all I can feel at first is anger. I wave my hand to silence you. It works. Youre going to listen now, koi, and youre going to understand.
È il momento per non parlare.
Risparmia cadò e lasciati capire.
So che ti vorrei sapere.
Its the time to not speak.
Save it and let yourself understand.
I know I want to know you.
I tell you about all the ways in which I hurt, all the things that shattered with your pronouncement last night that things would not work out. I make you see what you have done, and then you are crying, face buried in the bedspread. Dont cry, koi. Dont cry. I dont want you to be sad. Didnt you hear me when I said that? I want to know, to understand what was going on, what still is, and whether or not these changes of heart are going to be frequent.
We talk for a very long time, and in the end, I am sure that your feelings have not changed permanently. I know I should be more prudent, that the lost child in me is screaming for me to leave this person who has hurt me, but I have a vested interest here. My life, my sanity, my trust, was all given to you, and though you broke it, I cant leave that easily. Im glad youre finally listening, koi. Im overjoyed at your words professing that you want to understand me, something you had never had said before. You admit you were afraid of me, of the deeper person I was, but want to know that now. That, I think, is the greatest gift I have ever been given.
Che mi sapresti parlare.
Se solo se solo se.
So che mi sapresti ascoltare.
Se solo se.
That you would know how to talk to me.
I know you would know how to listen to me.
Finally, I stop you. Youve become repetitive in your desperation. I dont want to see you distressed. Didnt you know that? I need you to stand firm for me, my love. Please do that for me. No more bad news now. I finally work up my courage and grab your hand, pulling you across the bed to kiss you. Thats good. I know with the way you respond that you are sincere. Good. Ive been distracted for some time by the noises coming from across the hall. Seems Heero and Duo finally got their act together and confessed. We exchange knowing smiles, yours a bit shy, before I cant help it anymore, and lead you into the familiar dance of our lovemaking.
Everything is ok again. For now. Thank the gods. Ai shiteru, koibito. Know that. Once again, I promise you forever,you do the same, and this time, let us keep it.
Allora? Whacha think??