Okay, just fair warning!! This is in NO way a serious or even reasonably acceptable fic in any way!! It's basically in honor of "Words of Wordsworth" winning the "Wing and Shinigami" competition for best comedy. *grin* I shared the news with Robin, my friend, muse and biggest critic (bigger than me, even!!), and she immediately started planning a new fic. I just want to say right now that this is not in any way to be considered a sequel to "Words of Wordsworth". It's just a little AU side thing. Beware extreme silliness, stupidity, magic, ewoks, cheese, chickens, sharks and furbies!! Not to mention bad humor I think I've used every common Gundam joke and cliché imaginable.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I will give them back (maybe).
Warnings: Shounen ai, wierd, silly. It seems I haven't written anything really serious for about a month. Oh, well. You write what comes. ^^ Enjoy!! Misuzu-chan, please don't kill me. I'm posting!
Hey Diddle Diddle
by LaMangust (with due credit going to Robin)
"Heero! HEERO!!" Duo yelled at the top of his lungs. His voice echoed down the hall, like dozens of little messengers. 'Heero eero ro ro o...'
Heero walked out the door of the bathroom down the hall, hands over his ears. He fixed Duo with a fierce scowl so dark and absolutely SCARY that even Elmer Fudd would have been proud to wear it, but the effect was somewhat ruined by the long soft yellow-and-blue teddy-print pyjamas and fluorescent toothbrush hanging from his down-turned mouth. He looked like a pouting child who hadn't gotten his Genuine Red Ryder Carbine Action Two-Hundred Shot Lightning Loader Range Model Air Rifle for Christmas. Duo temporarily forgot what had been so urgent when he caught sight of the glowering boy.
"Waiii!! Heero-chan!!" He bounced quickly down the hall, ricocheting in pretty much the same path his voice had at the same speed. "You're so absolutely kawaii!!" Duo halted abruptly in front of Heero and smiled so wide it touched his ears. The long, brown braid which followed after, however, had been struggling to keep up in the first place and didn't manage to stop in time. It flew over its owner's shoulder and thwapped Heero-chan full in the face. It then contrived to look contrite. Duo merely grinned. "Oops!! Sorry!!"
"Duo!!" Heero growled, "Stop yelling. Everyone in the whole damn building can hear you!!" The oblivious Shinigami pilot looked with large eyes behind him, and indeed - heads were poking like zits out of almost every door! Heero's hand started to twitch reflexively as he regarded Duo with what he thought was a deadly stare. Duo's did too, but for an entirely different reason. He'd had a very high score at Bop-the-Beaver the other day perhaps he could beat his record!! It was just a matter of
Duo screeched and hollered as Heero dragged him by his braid back down the hall past the staring faces. "Heero!! LET ME GO!!" But Heero hung like the legendary limpet until they were in their room and the door was safely shut. He didn't think that, after that display, their secret was safe any longer. Well, whatever. Not like he cared. There was one problem, however, that demanded his immediate attention.
"Duo, what in the name of Linus Pauling is wrong with you?!?"
"Linus Pauling?" Duo raised an eyebrow incredulously.
"Hey, I'm trying to cut down on the swearing."
"Like the smoking, right?"
"And the self-destructing?"
"Whatever you say, Hee-chan." Duo smiled innocently
Heero groaned. "What IS it with you?" He was seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY, vexed. Duo, who was busily arranging the hem of Heero's shirt, laughed and stood.
"Yes!! That's what I wanted to tell you! You remember that spoon that I had a while ago?"
Heero didn't bother to answer that one. In truth, he's been a little jealous that the simple implement had been able to gain so much of Duo's attention. But he had solved that problem easily enough. The spoon had been readily returned to the cafeteria where it could no longer butt in on his and Duo's private business.
"Well " Duo continued. "Here she is!" He pulled up an object that looked suspiciously spoon-shaped wrapped in bits of white lace. Heero almost choked.
"What Duo, what is THAT?"
Duo looked perplexed. "Oh, you mean this?" he indicated the small pieces of fabric that wrapped the spoon.
Duo's smile was positively glowing. "She's getting married!"
For a long, long moment, there was silence.
"Heero ? Heero? Are you okay?" There was absolutely no reaction. Duo, concerned, walked to back to Heero and pulled on his sleeve. "Earth to Heero!! Hey. Wake up!" Still nothing. Finally, out of options, Duo reached down and grabbed his partner's well that. Needless to say, it worked.
After the initial shock, Heero managed to compose himself rather well. "Duo," his voice was deadly calm, "are you saying that you're going to marry a spoon?" His eyebrow raised ever so slightly.
It was Duo's turn to stare. Then, so suddenly it made Heero jump out of his skin, "You you thought you thought I I I would marry marry a SPOON?!?!! HAAAAHAHA!!" Heero sweatdropped several times. Duo rolled about the floor laughing uproariously. This continued for several minutes, until a spontaneous bout of hiccupping interrupted his fun. He stood shakily, braid swinging beside him as he wove unsteadily on his feet.
"Duo, you do realize that the spoon in question is an inanimate object and cannot speak, walk, or even think? It cannot in any way express itself. How do you figure it wants to get married?"
"She, Heero. Not it. Anyway, it's obvious! Look who came back with her!! They just showed up in my room, I swear." He turned back to the bed and picked up what appeared to be a fork?! It too was wrapped in bits of cloth, but it's were black and included a top hat with a tiny red bow. Just as Heero was beginning to get really concerned, since Duo didn't seem to be making a joke, the most incredible thing he had ever seen happened. And Heero had seen a lot of incredible things.
The fork STOOD UP. It really, truly took to its end and stood on Duo's hand. Then, wonder of wonders, the spoon did the same!! They stood, side by side, and Heero could finally see what the cloth was. They were a perfect pair - bride and groom. What the hell ?
"It's ok, Heero. I'm not crazy. She just came back with him all made up like this, and I supposed they wanted to get married. What do you say? Should we help them out?" His eyes clearly revealed Duo's intention to do so whether or not Heero agreed. So he did.
"Fine. Fine, whatever. Just Oh, nevermind."
"If anyone knows good cause for which these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace " The formalities continued.
"WAIT!! I SPEAK!!" The people and other things turned as a whole and looked to the back, where the dish Duo had seen crying earlier now stood defiantly. He hadn't thought much about it, but by the look on that dish's surface, it was ready to fight. "That spoon is MINE!! She was mine before she was his!! I demand that they not be joined! I demand she return to me!"
Duo opened his mouth to yell at the offending dish, but Heero was faster, drawing his gun in the blink of an eye. A very big eye, but an eye nonetheless. Before anyone knew what was happening, the floor was littered with shattered porcelain, more stuck at odd angles in the doorway. Heero nodded to the priest. "Go ahead."
"I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride?" There was silence for a moment as the two metal utensils leaned toward each other and butted prongs to bowl ever so lightly. Duo started crying.
"I just love weddings!"
"You've never been to one before," Heero reminded him.
"So I just found out, but I still love weddings!"
As the music started up, there were few dry eyes anywhere in the house. This might have been for a lack of eyes, but let's not get into that now. The congregation moved slowly into the adjoining antechamber where the reception was to be held. The band was lively, will full array of washboards, banjos, harmonicas, and other fine instruments. The guests danced and danced and danced and presents were opened and cake eaten.
Then, the music slowly died down, along with the lights, and a single beam shot out across the space to light one circle on the stand. A soloist stood there. Slowly, gracefully, he lifted his fiddle to play.
Duo looked up curiously. "Hey, is that " His sentence was cut off in the rush of air left behind as he flew to the bandstand and latched himself onto the violinist. "Quatre, ol' buddy ol' pal! Why didn't you tell me you were coming?? And what's with the costume?"
Quatre was, indeed, in costume. A rather revealing one. Small cat ears poked from the top of his head, and a long black tail from his lower back. Other than that, however, the material of the outfit was severely limited. "This? Oh, Trowa had it lying around, and it seemed appropriate." The small pilot smiled obliviously across the room at his lover, who was blushing a deep, deep red under that hair of his. "Isn't it cute?"
Duo sweatdropped. "Cute isn't the word I'd choose, but "
Duo, much to the relief of everyone in the room, was cut off by the sounding of many, many trumpets. They trumpeted merrily. Happily, the new bride and groom walked outside to meet their honeymoon driver. The "driver" was standing there, happily munching whatever it is that's munchable for hours on end, looking dreamy and content and not overly bright. And tattooed on his rump, the big flowery words, "Just Married".
The cow (who's name is Ferdinand, by the way), blinked at the pair coming from the church. He blinked at the crowd following behind. He blinked a few times at Quatre in a kitty costume. Then he turned around and just sort of stood there. It was very cow-like, and everyone cheered. The spoon and the fork mounted their cow, and rode off into the sunset to live happily every after.
Heero was watching them go, glad to be able to leave this madhouse and go home, and maybe do some casual f**ing (ooh, bad word!) with Duo for a while.
A sound was very silently sneaking it's way into his perceptions, though. It crept slowly up on him, worming around and through layers of thought to thoroughly piss him off. This is what it sounded like:
Well, okay, that's not really what it sounded like, but close enough. Heero looked down beside him, to where a small, ugly, underbite-suffering dog with a pink flight cap and goggles was standing, laughing the most demented laugh he had ever heard. He simply looked at it for a moment. And before Duo came to drag him away with some designs of his own, Heero was sure he heard that dog mutter something about "total pacifism".
So they all lived happily ever after. But, predictably, something went wrong. Something always goes wrong. It doesn't matter if you do everything the way you're supposed to and leave no hard feelings behind you, something still goes wrong. Here's what went wrong:
Ferdinand was hired for a specific reason. Ferdinand could jump over the moon. But Ferdinand hadn't counted on all those munchies weighing him down, and just as he gracefully swooped up over the edge of the moon, something terrible happened. Something utterly horrible. Something so hideous and cruel and unbelievable that it can't be written on this page. And even if it were, the pure horror of it would keep eyes from being able to see it. So here it is:
Just as they cleared the moon, !!!!
Duo and Heero looked up in shock from what they were doing, drawn by the pure evil and malice of the act. They leapt up in unison, and promptly fell back down again, in a tangle.
While out brave heroes sort themselves out, let this be said: Ferdinand fell safely back to Earth and was able to continue his life and career as a wedding cow until, while on vacation in England, a mad cow scare had him under suspicion, and he was promptly made into hamburgers to be sold to India.
Back to the story. Heero and Duo made it to their Gundams in record time and were blasting out and away from the Earth before you can say "Bob's your uncle". Of course, Bob wasn't their uncle, and probably not yours either, but that's okay, because we all know there is an uncle Bob out there somewhere.
As they neared the moon, they saw something there. Something that had gone unnoticed previously, and for a very good reason. It hadn't been there. What they saw was so absolutely unprecedented, that they themselves couldn't believe it. It was a face. An evil face. A face with eyes. Evil eyes. Eyes with long, forked eyebrows.
Heero was immediately in action. "Treize!! You yarou you!! What did you do with the fork and spoon??" Of course what Heero meant was, "Why the hell did you have to go and ruin a perfectly good time with another one of your twisted-ass plots?"
The Treize face chuckled. "I haven't hurt them, idiot. I merely wanted a duel!"
"A duel?" The confusion in the air was tangible. Never one to waste an opportunity, Duo balled it all up and threw it at Treize, who was momentarily stunned. It was just enough time for the spoon and knife, who had been sort of lying there, to get away from the evil monster. Unfortunately, they too had been hit by the confusion, and didn't really know what they were doing. The spoon floated aimlessly in the general direction of Alpha Centauri for a few moments before Heero caught her in his giant Gundam fist.
The fork was not so lucky. He shot out away from the face of the moon with an incredible speed. Unfortunately, he turned around halfway and went rocketing back toward his prison, prongs first. Treize met the wildly flying fork with his eyebrow, and thus commenced one of the greatest space battles in history. The two clashed. And clashed again. And again and again and again. Until, finally, with a mighty parry and phenomenal thrust for someone his size, the fork pushed Treize's eyebrow backwards and poked out his eye.
Treize screamed. But you know what they say. In space, no one knows you're a dog. Or something like that.
"Yosh!!" cried Duo, and immediately set to blasting the man in the moon into itty bitty bite-size pieces. It was quite a sight. So they finally returned home, the fork victorious, and lived happily.
Two months later, a knock on the dorm room door brought Duo out of a deep, profound concentration on the book in front of him. He stood slowly, and walked to the door, stretching kinks out of his back from sitting too long in the same position. One by one, the vertebrae made little snapping noises, going up his spine all the way to his neck
Another knock sounded. Whoever was behind it was sure impatient. Duo opened the door with a small flourish, putting on his best smile and directing at the wall on the other side of the hall??
Very slowly, Duo looked down. At his feet, there were not two, but three little implements. The two taller of the trio he recognized immediately. The third was a newcomer.
Duo looked at the small implement in awe. It had a round baby chubbiness that was appealing, along with the short prongs sticking like hair from its top. His eyes filling with tears, the braided Shinigami pilot grinned. "I shall call him Spork!!"
It was time for another celebration. And so, finally, they all lived happily ever after.
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