DISCLAIMER: Yadda, yadda, yadda.... not mine, yadda, yadda, blah... don't sue.... blah, blah, yadda... broke... blah yadda, yadda...
PAIRINGS: 1x2, 3x4, and talk of 5+M no da.
STATUS: Well, I'm hoping the effect is comedy...
WARNINGS: "Wannabe psychiatrists... are EVIL!" –in response to a teacher's meddling, i.e. "LeAnn, I've noted a lack of emotion while you talk to your classmates. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" To which I replied flatly, biting out, "Well, ma'am. Considering you know my brother, who are you to ask me about my lack of emotion? T.J.'s statement could even amaze that of the great Heero Yuy!" Oh, yes, right now I am sorely tempted to do a bit of T-peeing... *smolders* Self insertion for... recreational purposes... *smirks evilly*

G-boys in Therapy
Kel
One-shot; possible one-nighter

 

 

"Unhand me or face the wrath of justice, Maxwell!"

"...."

"Hn. This is unnecessary."

"Duo, are you sure we need... therapy?" Quatre asked as the extremely hyper-active Duo Maxwell dragged the equally irate Chang Wufei through a pair of revolving doors. He honestly saw no need to participate in Duo's idea of `healing'. As much as the blonde angel loved to spend time with his three friends and his lover, he had an enormous business to run and twenty-nine sisters to look after. The braided ex-pilot had hauled him out of his office at an awkward time, what with an old business partner threatening to pull out of his contract and whatnot.

Yes, the war of A.C. 195 was well and over with, and the Barton incident was months ago. With the destruction of their Gundams, the five war heroes tried to accomplish something similar to a normal life. However, the fifth time Heero was fired from a job because of constant threats to his boss/es, many disabled training dummies courtesy of Wufei, the knives that littered the walls of the bedroom shared between Trowa and himself, and the many bottles of Advil and Tylenol and Benedryl that literally filled Quatre's many bathroom cabinets did not convince Duo the least that his four pilots were cooping easily. That and the fact that he himself reluctantly admitted he could not keep himself from screaming "Shinigami LIVES!" after playing a successful practical joke. Or winning a game. Or getting on A on his assignments (yes, Duo had continued to school after the war while taking care of a salvage yard on the side).

Ergo, the need for therapy.

"Q-man, could you honestly take a look at these three right here," Duo took the time to take one hand from Wufei's shoulder to jerk a thumb in the direction of the two other reluctant ex-pilots, "and tell me straight out that they don't need therapy?"

Quatre didn't reply. Instead he pouted. Pouting was a good art form; when one truly reached that plateau when a simple quiver of the lip could melt even the stubbornest of men, you were considered a master. Unfortunately, Duo had already reached this plateau far before Quatre. Not meaning any disrespect to the little blonde–he, too, had reached the same plateau–but the Pout didn't work on other masters. Therefore, his jutted out lip and crossed arms (not to forget those wide blue, innocent eyes brimming with wetness that could, maybe, just possibly be tears!) did not work with Duo. At all.

And that, my dear readers, is how Duo successful managed to have all five of them at the office at the proper time. Trowa wouldn't leave without Quatre, Quatre wouldn't refuse the request of a friend, Heero had been threatened with no patty-cake for a month, and Wufei... Well, lets face it. Wufei practically had to be dragged to the right destination. Purgatory was mi~i~ighty close to the feeling of dread the Chinese boy was feeling at that moment...

Once inside the spacious building, the five handsome Gundam boys loaded into an elevator with no hesitation. Wufei _tried_ to hesitate, but Duo was MUCH more persistent in seeing a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

Let the writer marvel at the fact she did NOT have to backspace on the word `psychiatrist'. Lookit, there it went again! A moment of silence if you will...

...

....

Thank you. Now back to our irregularly scheduled fic.

With little ado Duo pounded on the elevator buttons. Unfortunately, he also managed to press a majority of elevator buttons in the process. Considering that there were sixty-nine floors and the five boys would have to make an impromptu stop at eight out of every ten of them... Let us just say that the four pilots–even QUATRE!–tired of the game of "who can glare the hardest at the braided trouble maker" after the sixth or seventh stop.

Ah. Nine passed, fifty-five to go.

Deciding to take pity on the blushing ex-pilot, Quatre cleared his throat delicately and asked, "So, Duo, how did this psychiatrist come to your attention?"

Duo brightened at the change of subject, replying chipperly, "I found the advertisement in the paper."

There was complete and total silence amongst the four non-braided ex-pilots. The only sound that emitted was the sound of the elevator dinging, the doors opening, the doors shutting, and the gears cranking up to carry them to the next floor level.

"An advertisement... in the newspaper?" Wufei grounded out between clenched teeth, again in full Deathglare mode as he stared the chipper ex-pilot. "You're taking us to a therapist who _advertised_ in a newspaper ad?"

Duo nodded, obviously extremely happy with himself. "Yep! This guy specializes with soldiers who have no war to fight. He also offered a cool half-off deal!"

The three workers on floor twenty-two were treated to the rare sight of three adolescents holding back one companion as the other was backed against the opposite side of the elevator as the doors opened up, seemingly to stay far out of reach until the Chinese youth calmed down. Of course, the strangely beautiful young long-haired boy wasn't helping much, what with him blowing a raspberry at the irate pigtailed boy.

Those three office workers were smart to back off and wait for the next elevator. The fact that none of the boys thought of the same solution proved they were either way out of practice or too annoyed to think straight.

After tedious minutes of constant elevator stops and petty arguing, they finally arrived on the top floor. The sixty-ninth floor. Duo shook with laughter as his slightly perverted mind picked up the significance of the well-known sexual position. He had to try that on Heero... now there was a thought...

During his mulling, the four ex-pilots had studied their huge surroundings. The place had to be made of pure marble; the walls, the floor, the pillar... the place was even big enough to have pillars! The marble covered everything, black speckled with white and grey. The ceiling was too far up to tell; the only thing one could see when looking up was complete blackness.

As they walked closer to the secretary's desk, they could clearly hear angry curses and mild death threats emitting from the stunning woman seated there. Her hair was a unique chestnut color, loose and just as long as the braided boy's. She had a heart-shaped face filled with obvious anger and distress as she shifted through the pile of papers on her desk. When her head snapped up to meet the eyes of her visitors, four of the five ex-Gundam pilots were _floored_ when they noticed the same violet gaze that Duo Maxwell himself contained. In fact, the girl was so close in resemblance to Duo, she could quite possibly be his long-lost twin sister.

"Ano... you five are the three o'clock, ne?" she asked lightly. She even _sounded_ a lot like Duo! Heero was sure that if Duo would pitch his voice just so, the tones would be totally identical. Curiouser and curiouser...

"Hai!" Duo nodded, and paused. An adorable look of confusion seemed to spread across his face when he got his first good look at the secretary. "Ano... Have we met? You look awfully familiar..."

The girl froze, a sweatdrop forming on her brow. Then she giggling suddenly, rubbing the back of her head in a sheepish manner as she waved it off. "Oh, silly! I bet you say that to all the girls you meet!" She giggled longer, the ex-pilots disconcerted with the N-shapes that suddenly formed her eyes and the V-shape that made up her mouth.

Duo sputtered, "No, not at all! Err, that is to say that I didn't mean that as a pick-up line or anything! It's just that... well.... damn." The young man, for once, found himself speechless.

Hell, in Wufei's opinion, had just frozen over.

"Teehee, that's okay!" she replied happily. "Why don't I show you into the doctor's office? Follow me."

They entered the office, the secretary gritting her teeth in obvious annoyance as she announced their arrive to the chair with the back facing them. As she did this Quatre took the time to study the many books that lined the oak shelves, pondering about the psychiatrist's choice of reading material. Really, he could understand the need for variety, but "100 Ways to Drive a Person Mad" to "The Top Sixty-Nine Sexual Positions Used in the Era A.C." were just... out there.

"Sugoi!" a voice exclaimed excitedly as the chair swivled around to reveal... a child? "Take off your shirts and have a seat!" With a bright smile, she added for her secretary, "Thank you... Duet." The redheaded girl's eyes seemed to sparkle in mischief that quite obviously pissed the other young woman off. The beauty stomped out of the office, cursing the world in general and mumbling something about cross dressing and never playing rock/paper/scissors with someone named... Sephy, was it?... again.

All attention was focused on the girl when she demurely cleared her throat, a small smile playing on her child's face. She was clearly very short; shorter than Duo, who had yet to break 5"1 totally, like Quatre had over the months. Her eyes were a dark brown and wide, full of mischief that could possibly challenge that of a nymph. Her hair, blood red, was short. Merely chin-length. Her outfit was not appropriate for the office; baggy grey pants tucked into the army style boots and a green muscle shirt of crimson color.

"Hi!" she exclaimed, that mischievous glint shining through and through in her expressive brown eyes. "I'm Dr. Miller. Please; I extend my warm hospitalities and ask that you sit down."

Everyone more or less complied after a millisecond of hesitation and meaningful looks. The young girl's eyes seemed to sparkle as she stood from her black leather swivel chair to perch at the front of her desk. He feet weren't quite touching the floor as she swung them to and fro.

"I am to assume that the braided youth to my far right is Duo Maxwell, ne?" she asked lightly, receiving three nods and two `hai's in reply. "And could you name yourselves from right to left, please?"

She seems courteous enough, Quatre analyzed quickly before introducing himself.

Baka on'na, Wufei sulked to himself as he gruffly interjected his own name.

Hmmm... maybe I should have brought my knives for protection, Trowa mused after announcing his name. What? You didn't expect him to think `.....' did you? Good. The writer _almost_ did that, but if the reader expected it, it wouldn't have been that funny. Now would it?

Why does a frail looking girl like this set off my Perfect Soldier mode, wondered the stoic Heero as he reluctantly gave out his name.

She grinned. "Good, good. First we start off with a couple of questions I have so I can know you and come up with a proper way of... `treating' you." From behind her she took a clipboard and a pencil, also slipping on a pair of reading glasses. "Okay.... Sex?"

"Male," Wufei replied with a bit of pride.

"I know that," she said in exasperation with rolled eyes. "I was asking if you _had_ sex."

Duo, Quatre, and Wufei choked on their tongues. Heero and Trowa simply smirked, answering her question the same time without speaking a word.

"Ah, good, good. Am I to assume all of you are or have been sexually active? Yes? Good." She made a little mark on her paper and went on. "Date you were conceived?"

Quatre's eyes went the size of saucers on that question. "Ano... don't mean mean `date of birth'?"

"Uh, no. I mean the date that you were conceived. Y'know, that special day when your parents decided they were a little horny and _maybe_ a bit drunk–"

"We get the picture!" Wufei grounded out much like he had in the elevator moments earlier. "What does _that_ have to do with this?"

Dr. Miller was quiet for a second. "Wolfie, don't question my methods. It is very important to my brand of therapy."

"My name is WuFEI."

"Duh," she said as if it were obvious. "Isn't that what I said?" Dropping the subject Wufei and Quatre did some quick math and told her the day they were _probably_ conceived. Duo, Heero, and Trowa had to shake their heads in reply; the didn't quite know when the were even born, much less the day they were... conceived. "Right," she murmured distrectedly, marking on her sheet again. "How many lovers have you each had?"

Heero didn't mind these questions at first. Anyone that could knock Duo for a loop was fine with him. But these questions were getting a little out of hand. So instead of replying, he stated flatly, "None of your damn business."

Dr. Miller simply wouldn't let it go, however. "Of course it isn't! That's why I became a psychiatrist. I _like_ to get in other people's business. Now. How many different people did ya'll screw?"

"Umm..."

"...."

"Ahem... one," Quatre replied meekly, bowing his head to hide the bright blush gracing his cheeks.

Wufei sighed and leaned back into his chair. "Three." Everyone but the doctor looked at him in something akin to shock.

"That's one more than I," Trowa added in.

"Erk... one. One for Heero, too," Duo replied in distraction, still staring at Wufei in shock. "Wu-man?! You've actually had sex before?"

Wufei looked a might annoyed with the personal question. "Why do you ask?"

"Well... I mean, you always acted like you _needed_ to get laid. I just thought–"

"I only acted anal because I _was_ getting laid," Wufei replied irritably.

That shut the braided ex-pilot up. The doctor smirked. "Good answer." She made a mark. "Okay. Any of you guys been married?"

"Yeah, right," Duo snorted. "We're seventeen; we aren't legally old enough to get married yet without a parent's consent, and three of us never had parents."

Wufei cleared his throat. "I have."

Duo and Quatre, regrettably, fell out of their chairs at the news. Heero already knew (he ran background searches on his comrades' pasts during the war, for he was waaaaay to suspicious of everyone and their mothers) and Trowa didn't let small things like that startle him.

"Oh, really? I'll need her name, please," Dr. Miller said sweetly, her brown eyes shining a little _too_ innocently.

"Chang Meiran, born A.C. 180 and deceased A.C. 194," Wufei replied wistfully, sighing. "She died in an attack. She probably would not have if she had told me she was feeling internal pain in her abdominal area."

Dr. Miller gasped. "Did she die by miscarriage?"

"No. Food poisoning in our hamburgers," Wufei replied solemnly. "That's way I vowed never to eat American food again."

Everyone including Heero and Trowa face faulted at this little tidbit of info. Ooookaaaay...

Outside, the sound of something falling on the hard floor and rolling laughter floated in. It was immediately silenced by a smacking sound and someone hissing, "That's our cue!"

No one seemed to notice as Wufei went on, "I also vowed to take revenge on Oz by piloting Nataku. It was their shipment of hamburger meat that killed her, and their attack on the colony that caused us not to notice until it was too late."

The doctor blinked. "Right. I'm going to discreetly mark you down for `emotional baggage' and back away _very_ slowly." She did just that and cleared her throat. "Okay, now... I need to ask you a very important question. When ex-soldiers feel guilt, the begin to... see things. People standing on other people's shoulders, for instant. Sometime's the mirage looks like someone they know closely. One represents the `angel' that tells them to do good things, and one portrays the `devil' that tells them to do bad things. Do you see any sort of people?"

They almost answered no... that is, until there was a poof of smoke on either side of the good doctor's shoulders. As the smoke cleared, the G-boy's couldn't help but gawk at the three inch high people sitting leisurely on the short redhead's shoulders. One had angel wings as black as night and something akin to a scythe in one hand. He also looked a whole lot like Duo wearing a bit of make-up like the secretary outside had. The other was a silver haired older looking man with devil horns that looked suspiciously like they were fake and a forked triton. He also had what looked like a makeshift devil's tail taped to the back of his outfit.

The Duo-angel sighed. "Finally out of that outfit... Now what's this crap I hear about her assigning YOU as cross dresser?" The little angel shot the little devil a glare.

The devil smirked. "But Chiisaishi, I wouldn't look _half_ as good as you in make-up right now!"

"Wha?" Chiisaishi brought out a small mirror and eeped loudly before taking out a scrub and vigorously scrubbing his face off. "Yarou!"

"Yare, yare. We shouldn't be talking about this now," the bored looking silver haired devil replied. "We'll piss Kel off."

"So?"

"I, for one, would like my alcohol stash back," the devil replied hotly. "Wouldn't you?"

"Oh. Oh, yeah..."

"*Ahem!*" the young doctor interrupted the ex-pilots gawking, also seemingly interrupting the angel and the devil's conversation. "I asked you a very important question..."

".... Well, ahh.... Right now? I see an angel and a fake-looking devil sitting on your shoulders," Duo replied meekly. The others nodded vigorously, agreeing with Duo's sight.

"Really," she sounded interested, lifting up her clipboard to write something down. The five stunned ex-pilots heard her say something that sounded a whole lot like "I thought I told you to get a better disguise!" to which the devil hissed, "I didn't have the time! Oh, hey, that's a _nice_ drawing of the pilots shirtless. You originally suck at fanart."

All five ex-pilots sweatdropped. The doctor pulled down her clipboard and smiled brightly, as if nothing had happened.

"Alrighty, then! I just need to ask you a few more questions and we'll get started on our session. Like, how many times do you each have sex a week? Wuffie, did you ever sleep with Trieze Khushrenada and Zechs Marquise? Duo, how good is Heero in bed? Quatre, are you seme or uke? Heero, why are you pointing that gun at me? Trowa, do you like to share lovers with Heero? Wufei–"

 

~~~~~–<@~~~~~

 

Not three seconds later all five ex-pilots stormed into the elevator, not even noting that the secretary was conveniently missing. Heero looked like he was ready to build himself a new Wing Zero and blow up the sixty-ninth floor. Trowa had a possessive arm wrapped securely around Quatre as a result of the `good' doctor's personal questions. Wufei's trigger finger twitched spasmodically, a sure sign that, yes, he was very annoyed, and yes, he planned to do something _very_ drastic, _very_ soon.

If the practice dummies at work were real, they would be quivering in fear right about that time.

There was a lull in the conversation as the elevator descended to ground floor. Finally Quatre maoned and buried his head into Trowa's shoulder.

"What? Did you forget something?" Duo asked nervously, not really wanting to go back up.

"We forgot to pay her!"

There was absolute and total silence.

"What." Heero demanded flatly.

Wufei snarled, "Why? She didn't help us in the least! I feel like ripping someone apart!"

Quatre wavered. "Yes, but..."

Suddenly the elevator doors slid open easily, only to reveal the face of the horrid doctor they thought they left on the sixty-ninth floor. She smiled brightly and held out her hand.

"I need my pay," she replied. "And I have my recommendation ready. Pay, first."

"If we pay, will you go away?" Duo asked warily, giving the girl the Eye. The fact that Heero had a gun trained to her forehead didn't seem to bother her all that much...

"Uh-huh," she nodded. "Pay up." They hurriedly did so, thinking the faster they paid the faster she would be gone. With a smile, she said, "I recommend lots of sex. Wufei will have to find himself a good lover. Thank you and sayonara." As she walked away from the elevator door, she cackled gleefully. "Mama's gonna get herself a new pair a' sneakers!"

Suddenly the winged Duo-angel flew by, grabbing half of the money from her hands before she even blinked. Next the silver haired devil stalked to her, threw his fake devilo horns to the ground, ripped off the devil tail, dropped the triton, grabbed the remaining money, and ran like a bat out of hell in the same direction as the Duo- angel. "Thanks, Kel!"

The girl blinked, scowled and snarled as she began to glow an eerie bluish color. Suddenly she drew a huge ax out of no where and began to chase the angel and the devil. "Get back here with my money, Sephiroth! Duo, I'm gonna cut off those damn wings if you don't stop this instant!"

The door slid shut firmly. The G-boys blinked and decided to go to Heero and Duo's place, get rip-roaring drunk, and hoped to forget that experience ever happened.

Amen.

 

~~~~~–<@~~~~~

The End

Kel: C&C welcome! *hefts her big ax and starts to once again chase her two muses* Come back here! I conned that money off of them fair and square!

Sephy: *blows a raspberry* Bite me! *suddenly finds his half of the money missing* OI!

Duo: *cackles* THAT'S for pushing the cross dressing bit on ME! Justice PREVAILS! Bawhahahahahahahahahah!! *continues to run from the one angry sword-wielding muse and one angry writer*