Title: Spirit Dreams Inside--A sequel to Words that We Couldn't Say.
Author: Karen, The Huntress
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters or the rights to Spirit Dreams Inside
Pairing: 1+ 2
Warning: A generous amount of sap, slight language.
Feedback: Of course!
SPIRIT DREAMS INSIDE
Sequel to "Words That We Couldn't Say"
"Spirit Dreams Inside" is from the Final Fantasy Movie: The Spirits Within
I wake from a nightmare now. In the day it haunts me, it slowly tears me apart.
With dreams of a distant love, I'm a wandering satellite.
Somewhere in the wasteland I see you smiling at me, a vision out of my dreams.
Will everything change?
Take the pain away, lead me with your light.
Heading for the sun, leave the sadness behind, crossing oceans dry.
Sunrise paints the horizon as I leave the hotel. With another day's rebirth the city again transforms from its darkness-shrouded obscurity putting on dawn's fresh mantle. The last hours had been so long. Waking up alone it felt as though I was still dreaming. Surely the lonely room was the product of a cruel nightmare that I would awake from to find you beside me. But it wasn't a dream.
Even as I step into the early morning light the night terror haunts me. It quivers in my heart slowly eating its way to my soul. Will I become a wanderer lost forever in the hellish nightmare I forged with my damn stubborn pride? Numbly I walk on.
I can still hear you sobbing over the phone. The echoes of your pain, the pain I caused, will never be forgotten. Like your phantom picture in my memories I find myself in a walking dream of love and loneliness. I remember when you would smile, how your expressive amethyst eyes would sparkle as you told me of your dreams of peace. There was hope for the future in your voice that spoke volumes of your caring nature. And what did I do in response to the baring of your heart? I spurned your trust, laid waste to your dreams. Now will everything change?
Duo I need you. I didn't realize how much until you were no longer there. I miss your smile, your voice, you hope. You were an anchor when all around me the swamping vortex of fear was pulling me under war's bloody water. When I shut away my feelings and denied my humanity you offered a sanctuary, a safe place in your arms where I could shed my soldier's mask and be human again. You did not judge, did not curse my inability to react with anything but hormonal passion. You gave when all I could do was take and all you asked in return is that I acknowledged that you could love me. With all my flaws...that you could love me.
"I think I love you." The words were so sincerely simple, so straightforward, spoken with no strings attached. But my refusal to hear them, hear you, was the last rejection you could take. Will everything change? Have I pushed you away too many times? Will I ever see you smile again, bask in the warmth of the light in your eyes? I can only beg your pardon for the pain, plead with you to allow me to earn your trust.
I wonder as I stand in front of the building where you are waiting if I have been the Perfect Soldier for too long. Can I change? Can I escape my self-imposed isolation and walk into the sun that is Duo Maxwell? Is it too late?
As I stand outside your door, hand poised to knock, I have to hold onto a small hint of hope. If it takes a lifetime until the oceans run dry and the stars fall from the sky I will never give up on winning you back.
My world spinning out of time, won't somebody stop me?
I may be losing my way, will you make it right?
Take the pain away, hear me as I cry.
Heading for the sun, leave the sadness behind, crossing the oceans dry.
Deep inside I go, spirit dreams inside, spirit dreams inside.
After I hung up the phone I sat in silence for a very long time. All the pain-laced tears finally played out leaving in their wake a soul-numbing ache. I had wrapped up my dreams in Heero Yuy. What a fool I was. Now my world is shattered, spinning out of control. Nothing makes sense, nothing matters anymore. Confusion claws at my insides, fear pierces my heart. "Isn't there someone out there who can save me?" I whisper in the shrouding darkness. "Who will make it all right again?" But there is no one to hear.
Heero is coming over. I suppose he has already left the room we shared. What will I say when we are face to face? I am so lost without Heero but I can not open my heart again, I can't. Trust can only be betrayed so many times before it hides from the hurt. I could have been silent accepting his lust if not his love. I could have kept on giving and allowed him to take whatever he needed to get through the night.
I could have denied my dreams, put my hopes for peace aside until Heero was ready for a commitment. But would he ever be able to overcome his fear of feeling? I tried everything I knew to give him a safe haven from the horrors of war. A place secure from the battles where he could discard his soldier's facade and just be human. What more could I have done?
But I had to push the matter, had to say "I love you." I know from experience that you can not back Yuy into a corner. He will dig in his heels, set his jaw and destroy the threat with shocking swiftness that will leave you breathless.
I wash the tear tracks from my face. I need to comb out my hair and braid it again but I don't have the strength. Let him see me this way, I don't care. Let the Perfect Soldier see the ruins of my world that he left behind. I study my reflection in the mirror. My eyes hold no light, no bright violet vision. The tears have washed it all away.
A hear a knock at the door. He's here. With a sigh I walk across the room. Will you make it right again Heero? Will you take away my pain? I fight a renewed bout of crying as my hand closes around the doorknob. "Hear me cry." I whisper shoring up my nerve with the heartfelt wish that may or may not come true.
For my sake I have to hide the hurt. For Heero's sake I have to not break down until we can talk. A stream of sunbeams sparkle through the window pooling on the floor. My heart has to aim for the light and leave the sadness behind. Deep inside I go, into myself, into the spirit dreams inside.
The door pulls back with a slight squeak. Heero looks down avoiding my puffy, bloodshot eyes. "Come in." I say stepping aside.
Heero keeps his sight lowered watching his feet as he stops just inside the threshold. The closing door hits with a soft thud that seems to scream in the tense silence.
"Sit down." I offer a chair. Heero takes a seat sliding his ready bag out of the way. I pull up a chair opposite my oddly meek partner. More silence. I sigh again fighting back the tears as I nibble my lower lip.
Finally Heero raises his head. His eyes are also red and his face paler than his normally golden skin tone. "Duo." he begins to speak.
Duo locks his misty eyes on his partner quietly waiting for Heero to continue. He will be silent giving Yuy a chance to explain. But will words be enough?
What can I do, I ask?
Heero clears his throat as that persistence lump won't dislodge. A deep inhalation summons up his courage. A slow exhalation shores up his trembling hands as he reaches to take Duo's hands. But Duo's fingers, curled into twin defensive fists, remain squarely in his lap. He doesn't draw away but doesn't make any move to comply with Heero's "hand holding" wishes.
Zero's Master sighs sitting back against the chair. "Duo what can I do to make it right?" he asks hoping against hope that it is not too late.
There is nothing left to say.
Duo shrugs taking in his own shaky sigh. "I don't want words." he declares keeping his rigid posture in place, "I think your words or lack of them has been quite clear. What do you think you need to do?"
Why am I here?
"I..." Heero begins fighting hard against the overpowering urge to take Duo in his arms and never let go. But that would not be wise so he clenches his hands until his knuckles are white and his arms ache from the strain. "I was a fool, a stubborn bastard. All the way over here I questioned my reasons for being with you. Why was I attracted to you yet too afraid to admit my feelings?
Why am I lost?
Then I realized that I was lost, that I had been from the beginning. I had been searching for something, some intangible factor to make my life worth living."
Where is love?
"All my life I have relied on myself. My training taught me that interaction outside of the mission was the quickest way to fail and failure was not acceptable. It wasn't that I had no emotions I just didn't know how to respond.
I believed that I had hidden my heart from any entanglements that could interfere with my ability to perform my duties. Then you came alone and my whole perfect world began to dissolve around me. I stated to lose focus both in battle and the bedroom. Every time we went into combat my thoughts centered on your safety.
Lead me with your light.
You became a beckon of light in my endless night. You offered an unconditional love that caught me off guard and stunned my sensibilities. But most of all you offered yourself with no demands but that I let you love me."
Heero leans forward holding out his quivering hands to his precious partner. "Please." Slowly Duo slides his hands entwining his fingers. There is so much love in his eyes that Heero nearly falls apart then and there.
"Please give me a chance to make everything right again." Heero begs unashamedly not trying to hold back his tears. "You are the savor of my dying spirit. Duo you are my lifeline. If you will let me I will love you; this is my oath as a soldier and a lover. Please make my dreams a reality and become my partner for life."
Now Duo, too, is crying tears that wash away the sorrow and flood his soul with joy. "Yes Heero I will be yours forever." he proclaims slipping his arms around his lover's neck. A kiss not borne of lust or passion but of love seals the mutual commitment. A time for learning and loving has begun. That wondrous moment when two souls are united by their spirit dreams inside.
Spirit Dreams Inside--Karen Hickman--July 2002
Thank you for reading!!