I know that I've left a fic hanging. I'll finish it. I just had to write
this one to work out why my sister would try to kill herself.
Walk On Jim Morrison
Disclaimers: Don't own, Don't sue. U2 wrote Walk On.
Warnings: Angst and introspection.
Notes: These are speculations as to why anyone would want to kill themselves. My opinions, not anyone elses.
Duo is sitting in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs that seem to be universal in hospitals all over the freaking known world. I really have to wonder if there's a company that is solely responsible for supplying them to all the hospitals. It's a thought I've entertained whenever I've had to sit in these places. And believe me, I've done it too many fucken times already. This is just another time in a long list of hospital waits that I've had to sit through in my life.
"Why the fuck did he do it?" Duo whispers, his voice both sad and angry as he speaks. A tear trickles down his cheek, but he wipes it away angrily. Quatre doesn't say anything. Only holds him closer. Duo resists at first, but finally gives up the pretense of strength. He buries his face into Quatre's shoulder and lets loose a stream of tears yet again.
I look at Quatre, but he shakes his head as he strokes Duo's loose hair. His aquamarine eyes are full of pain for both Duo and Heero, but he is helpless to do anything. All of us are. We can't start to pick up the pieces until we find out whether Heero will pull through on this one. I sigh and look at Wu-fei. His face is stony, but his eyes give his worry away. They're shadowed and smudged, betraying the sleepless night that he has shared with us.
Is not the easy thing
The only baggage
That you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind//
We are lucky though. We are only the spectators. Although we were a fighting unit, then became friends as well, we weren't Heero Yuy's lovers. Only Duo had that privilege. And the burden of putting up with the mercurial moods that overcame Heero. Moods that he had always tried to hide from us. Even though he somewhat opened up to Duo once they had admitted that they loved each other, war or no war, He was still keeping the majority of it inside.
Even though I am his closest friend, he couldn't bring himself to open up to me when he couldn't do it with Duo. Instead, he would disappear for a few days, making Duo sick with worry, then come home smelling like he had been rolled by a bunch of drunks and the injuries to prove it. And the scars of it as well. I still can't swallow the nausea that gets brought up as I recall the time I had to dig out a piece of glass from the middle of his shoulder blades.
People say that I am fucken cold. That I can't feel anything. Be it physical or emotional. They haven't seen Heero in his bouts of depression. I think that I was hurting him when I had to dig around in his back. I speculate on it because he made no noise at all. Nor did he move a muscle. That was what affected me the most and made me ill. The fact that he could turn himself off at will.
//And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong//
I look over at Duo and Quatre. Duo is asleep now, his hair webbing over his flushed face, making him look like a ten year old without worries. Appearances can be deceiving, I tell myself as I turn to look out the window. I look at the dawning sky and I wonder yet again why he did it. I know that Heero thinks he can't handle living in a peaceful world. That old soldiers have to be put out for pasture. I also thought that way, but the angel stroking Duo's hair taught me otherwise. I have a home with him now. A home that can never be taken away from me.
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it//
Heero has that too. But he can't see it. Or realize it. Or maybe he's afraid that he will destroy Duo with his darkness. I swear, for a near genius, Heero can be an utter moron sometimes. Mind you, it's a fear that we dark ones harbour, so I can't really blame the guy for being afraid. Hell, I used to think the same way. Until Quatre's patient reassurances wore down my ingrained beliefs. It's funny how we think that way. That the ones we love are full of light and aren't touched with the same darkness that we have experienced in our pasts.
Stay safe tonight//
The doctor comes around again. He says that there's no change, so we don't bother waking Duo up. He needs the sleep. He was the one that found Heero lying on the bed they share with his lips a gruesome shade of blue and the bottle of valium clutched in his cold fingers while empty vodka bottles littered the floor. I think it was the day of their anniversary too. That was great timing, don't you think? I know that it sounded snide, but I couldn't help it.
I guess that I'm fucken pissed off at Heero for pulling such a bullshit stunt like that on Duo's head. It feels like a betrayal of sorts. That he didn't give a flying rat's ass about us enough to come to us for help. Even though he knows that we love him like life itself, he still tried to pack it all in. Or maybe he did care too much and didn't want to burden us with his problems.
//You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen//
I shake my head at that thought. Maybe it was true with the other fuckers that he has spent time with. It was true for the mercenary groups I was with. Mind you, a bunch of soldiers for hire aren't going to be big fans of sharing your feelings and getting in touch with your inner self. But Heero knew that he was safe with us. That we would help him no matter what. That Duo would love him and help him work out whatever it was that was troubling him.
//You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly
Only fly for freedom//
They tell us that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't think it's true at all. Things do kill you, but not in the overall sense. Small parts of you are the ones that die. The ones that you didn't even realize that you needed until the time comes for them to be used. I think that's what happened to Heero. One day, he woke up and found them lacking and didn't know how to mourn the loss of them.
What you got
You can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
You stay safe tonight//
I watch Trowa as he looks out the window. To the others, he seems composed and calm. Like had nothing on his mind except watching the sunrise. But I can tell that he is thinking about something long and hard. Does he think about Heero's act? Does he contemplate whether he can go through it himself? I know that he has always admired the risks that Heero was willing to take to get the mission done. That he always wanted to be as perfect as Heero on the battlefield. Does he still admire him even when there aren't any battlefields left to fight on? He inclines his head slightly, feeling the weight of my gaze upon him. Will he just ignore me like he always used to? He turns to me and smiles bitterly while shaking his head. He can read me so carefully, I nod to him and smile my gratitude. He smiles ever so slightly. I think he's finally stopped worshipping Heero now. I know he won't follow him.
//And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
I look at the sleeping figure on my lap and give the long chestnut tresses yet another caress. God! His hair is soft. He mumbles something in his sleep and tears roll down his face yet again. I wipe them away and sigh. Why did you do it, Heero? Why? Didn't you realize that it would break his heart if you left? That you are the only rhyme and reason that he wakes up in the morning? That you are the only true home and peace that he will ever find with someone?
Hard to know what it is
If you never had one
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going
That's where the hurt is//
I wonder if Heero is afraid to live. He didn't live before the war. Before he found Duo. He just existed. A machine trained to pull the trigger and destroy all that was before him. And now that the war is over and he has discovered the emotions that he had to bury, maybe he found that life was asking too much of him. That it was asking for things that he simply didn't have enough of to give. That his strength had ebbed with the ending of the wars that he had for the longest time only lived for. He could only find the strength to fight, but not to live the rest of his life.
//And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Duo stirs and burrows his face into my shoulder, as if seeking shelter and warmth. I wrap my arms around him, but I don't think that's enough. Trowa gets up and disappears. He comes back in a minute, a blanket in his hands that he gently covers Duo with. I smile at him and he nods before he sits down and stares out the window again. Duo sighs in relief and keeps on sleeping.
The doctor comes by again. He looks haggard and tired. He's been here for as long as we have, and its showing markedly on him. But his mouth isn't stretched in a thin line any longer. It is relaxed in a tentative smile that gives us some small hope. He tells us Heero will live. Despite all of the drugs and alcohol, he came through relatively unscathed.
//Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind//
I don't know why I woke up. Don't understand why at all. I swear that the blackness didn't recede when I sank down into it. I swear that I had already died. But I felt the need to open my eyes and found myself here, with the sunlight shining on my face. I watched the sun rise ever so slowly in the sky. It kept me from thinking about having to face my friends. Having to face Duo.
//All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind//
How do you tell the one you love that you're just afraid of waking up alive for the rest of your life? That you are afraid of actually having a future with someone? That you'd rather you had died in battle? That was the only thing that I had ever known. War, guns and death. Nothing else. And now that there's no need for them, I'm lost.
//All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
And all that you see//
I hear footsteps outside my door. I pray that it isn't he. Or the others just yet. I need more time to sort out my thoughts. And the way that I feel. I don't know if I'm angry that I'm alive. I don't know if I'm relieved. I do feel bad that I Duo will probably be hurt and worried. But I have to face him and his tears when the time comes. I don't want him to feel this way over me. I sometimes wish that he didn't love me like does. I almost wish that I didn't love him myself.
//All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate//
The door opens and he comes in. His violet eyes look like they are bleeding. His hair is flowing down his shoulders in a braid that long ceased to do its job. It makes me want to cry, to see him in such a state. I turn my face so that he won't see my tears and how sorry I am to have caused him so much pain. I only wanted to stop being so afraid. I didn't want anything to happen this way. He embraces me gently, and I cling onto him with all my strength.
"I love you. You don't have to go away." He whispers in my ear. I don't say anything to that.
"You don't have to hide from me." I let him stroke my hair as I cry. "I'll try not to." I finally reply. His grip tightens and I feel his tears wet my hair.
I don't think that I am afraid.