4-22-2001

Sleeping with Daemons by Jim Morrison.

Standard disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing. They belong to Bandai and Sotsu entertainment. "Running to stand still" and "If God will send his Angels" were written by U2. I only borrow them for entertainment purposes. Don't bother suing cause I don't have anything. Not even lint.
Warnings: Boy, this one has a lot. Let's see, NCS, angst, language, self-mutilation, heroin abuse, depression, Yaoi, lime, lemon (explicit and implied). I think that's it. Oh yeah, don't do drugs. They're bad. Especially heroin. Oh, religious views are mine, not whatever church's out there.
As always, feedback is appreciated. Any kind, don't care in what vein it is.
Address: Saxonyten@yahoo.com.
Pairings: 1x2, 13x2, 6x2, 3x4. As usual, Wu-fei does cameos.
<> Heero's thoughts, =Duo's thoughts, () Quatre's thoughts
Description: This one isn't very pretty. Duo and Heero get captured during a mission and a whole lot of not very pleasant and weird things happen until they can be happy again. I was going through a shit time and this is the result. On with the show.

Sleeping with Daemons. By Jim Morrison.

"Why do you touch us so much?" Duo looked up at a curious Trowa. He shrugged, unsure of what to say to that. He scratched his head as he pondered the question.

"I don't know. I guess it's just to tell you that I trust you. That's all."

I stand against the cool, white wall feeling utterly defeated. I haven't felt this way since they destroyed Deathscythe the first time. They didn't destroy my Gundam this time. Yet they took three things that were precious to me just the same. My past, my self-respect, and my capability to be near other people. I feel like crying, but my eyes are dry. I want to scream, but I have no voice. I want to tell Quatre and Trowa and Wu-fei as they hover about me that I'll be all right.

However, I can barely look at them. In fact, I haven't even looked up since they arrived. I'm afraid that they'll see the truth written on my face or worse, that my soul will spill out of my eyes.

"And if God/will send his angels/we sure could use them/ here right now." I whisper to myself as I cradle my broken wrist with my sliced arms to my chest. Yet he won't. I've always known that God can't send angels. He didn't when they burnt Maxwell church to the ground. He doesn't care about people like me. I doubt that he even listens half the time.

"God's got his phone off the hook babe/ would he even pick up/if he could?" I hear footsteps approach and I instinctively shrink back from whomever it is that's coming close to me.

"Duo?" I sigh in relief. It's only Quatre. I could take him on if he tried anything. Even with the broken wrist. I nod. I don't want to look him in the face. I saw their faces when they came to the hospital. I can't handle them looking at me the way they did when they realized that my hair was gone. Hell, it's so short that I kind of look like a darker, a little taller, version of Quatre.

"Do you want to come home with us? You look tired and your arms need to be taken care of." He said in a gentle voice that thawed me out slightly, but I refused.

"No. I want to stay with Heero." I replied in a flat voice that sounded nothing like me at all.

"Well, would you mind if I stayed with you and Heero? Perhaps I could help in some way?" He said in a quiet voice. I could feel an undercurrent of something in his words. I looked up and stared at him straight in the eyes. He didn't flinch or turn away like I had expected.

All he did was calmly stare back at me, a soft look in those mild blue eyes that hid the steel I just barely felt when he had spoken to me earlier.

"Okay." He smiled and put his hand on my shoulder. But I brushed it off with a rough hand.

"Just don't touch me, Quatre. Please don't touch me." I whispered as I backed away from him and slumped down on the hallway floor. God was I tired. I hurt too and wasn't going to let them know. I didn't care if my wrist were messed up for the rest of my life. I didn't want anyone touching me. Ever again. No one to touch me, to hurt me ever again. Not even Heero. Or Quatre.

My eyes must have drooped shut for a moment. A woman flashed by in the darkness. My eyes flew open and I could just recall a flash of black hair and violet eyes like mine.

"Madre?" I whispered before I fell onto the floor and was met by blessed darkness.

"Hey, Duo? Duo?" Two people were hovering above me, their faces mercifully blurred.

"No." I moaned as I closed my eyes and turned my head. "No more. Please, Zechs, Treize. No more." I cried out as I pulled the blanket over my head. "Please, I'm begging you."

Heero and Quatre looked at each other as they witnessed the Shinigami pilots' odd behaviour.

They pulled away from the lump on the bed and went to the window to talk.

"What the hell happened on that mission Yuy? What did they to him? Apart from the physical injuries, I mean." Quatre asked, making Heero blanch as he recalled Quatre's space heart.

"I don't know if you really want to know, Quatre." Heero replied quietly.

"Dammit! Heero, I know something horrible has happened to him! Don't try to protect me! I'm not a baby and not telling me will prevent me from helping him. He needs all the help he can get. Not just from you, but from all of us as well! Now what the hell happened?"

Heero's eyes grew cold and dark as he looked down at the little Arabian boy.

"Treize and Zechs cut off his hair and raped him in front of me." Heero answered in a cold voice as he fiddled with the sling his left arm was in. Quatre looked at Heero in surprise.

"Oh my God! Why did they do that?" He asked, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.

Heero's mouth thinned into a bloodless line as he looked at Duo's form.

"They wanted to break me." He replied in a freezing voice. Still, his head drooped, showing both his emotional and physical weariness to the Arabian pilot.

Quatre came closer to the silent pilot and warily placed his hand on Heero's shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Quatre whispered. Heero was about to shake his head, but stopped himself. He looked at the blond pilot and gently placed his hand over the smaller boy's.

"Let's go outside." He whispered motioning to the hallway with his head.

"So what is the story?" Quatre asked in a low voice once they were outside. Heero sighed.

 

Heero woke up with a pounding headache. His arm hurt like the furies and he was tied up and lying on his side. He struggled a bit against his bonds, but he couldn't get himself free. The ropes that bound him where tied so tightly that they had made his legs numb and his arms were slowly getting there. He looked around and froze when his eyes met the tableau in front of him.

"Glad to see you're awake, Yuy." Treize Krushenada commented as he crossed his arms. Heero growled, but didn't say anything, since he could see that Treize wasn't alone.

Zechs Merquise was standing a short distance away with his hands on a naked Duo Maxwell.

"Duo!" Heero exclaimed as he saw the other boy's body covered in bruises and dirt and his violet eyes unnaturally wide as they looked at him. At first, Heero couldn't see why Duo had such an statement of fear on his face. He found out soon enough when Zech's held up his left hand, which had Duo's braid wound tightly around it, securely keeping the American prisoner.

"Are you all right?' Heero asked in a flat voice, unwilling to let Zechs or Treize know how much he actually cared about that braided bonehead.

"Fine and dandy." Duo replied in a cheery voice. Zechs yanked hard at the hair, making Duo cry out in pain and glare at the blond man with murder in his eyes.

"Aww. How touching." Treize commented in a syrupy voice that made Duo cringe and Heero close his eyes in disgust.

"What the hell do you want, Treize?" Heero asked in a cool and weary voice.

"You know what I want, Yuy." Treize replied in a hard voice. Heero snorted.

"Hn." The sound of flesh meeting flesh made him open his eyes in time to see Duo's head snap back from the blow that Treize had just dealt him.

"Stop it!" Heero cried out, his anger so thick and deep that it made his voice sound animalistic.

Treize turned to him and smiled a cool, calculating smile. Heero cringed. He had been found out.

"Why? Does he mean anything to you?" Treize asked, his voice low and almost seductive.

"No." Heero replied, his voice flat and unemotional. "I just figure if you have a quarrel with me, it should be kept between us, not taken out on that idiot."

<Oh man. Duo's going to have my hide for that> Heero thought, as he looked at Duo.

Duo only stared at him and gave no indication that he had actually heard the words.

Treize laughed before he came up to Heero and looked down at him.

"Give us the information, Yuy. Or else he suffers." Treize hissed out as he slowly pulled a knife out of the decorated sheath that he wore at his belt.

"Haven't you ever heard of the Geneva Conventions, Treize?" Heero asked in a calm voice.

"The Geneva Conventions don't cover what I have in mind for you and your lover, if you don't spill!" Treize hissed as he walked up to Duo, who was now watching the proceedings with wary eyes. Heero tensed as he watched the man go to his lover. <What the hell is he going to do?>

Treize stopped in front of the tense Deathscythe pilot and looked back at Heero to make sure that he was watching. Satisfied at having Heero's full attention on him, the older man reached out and swiftly cut off Duo's braid, sending the American boy stumbling from the sudden release in tension. Heero yelled and struggled against his bonds, but Duo's anguished screams drowned his cries out as he tried to grab his braid back from Zechs.

"NOOO!! NOOO!!" Duo screamed as Zechs' held the braid out of reach from the frantic boy.

He was laughing as Duo fought him for his braid. The laughter must have made him careless, because Duo managed to get several hard punches in, nearly making Zechs drop the hair.

Treize saw this and quickly lashed out, sending a still screaming Duo careening into the corner of the cell where they had deposited the captured Gundam pilots. Duo gave up then, his mind too stunned and full of sorrow over the loss of the one thing that he actually could call his own. He abruptly stopped his screaming and instead rolled his body into a ball and began to rock himself back and forth as he tried to shut the loss of his hair away until he could find a way to kill him.

=I'll kill you, Zechs. I'll kill you. I'll kill you...=

Heero was thinking the exact thing when he saw Zechs throw the rope of hair out in the hallway through the cell bars as if it were nothing more than a pile of rubbish. He knew how much Duo loved his braid. How much time he spent on it and how many memories it carried for him. To see it being deposed with such callous movements made the cold fury in his gut sharpen. He would definitely enjoy killing Zechs and Treize.

"Now will you talk? Or do we have to continue?" Treize demanded of Heero.

"Oooh. Wow. Abusing boys to get information. Really Treize, and I always thought you more refined than that. You surprise me." Heero grunted slightly as the boot met with his ribs.

<Okay, I deserved that. Maybe I shouldn't try to pull Duo's moves again. That hurt.>

"So you won't give us any information?" Treize asked, his voice dangerously low as he spoke.

"Gee, for a bad guy, you sure don't seem very smart, Treize. Just now are you catching on?"

Heero remarked sarcastically, earning himself another kick on his already bruised ribs.

"I see. Well, don't say I wasn't being fair. You spurned my offers. You only have yourself to blame for this." Treize said as he nodded to Zechs, who immediately went to the corner were Duo was hiding and wrenched the boy to his feet. Duo let him, his sorrow leaving him empty of everything, including the will to fight.

"What are you going to do to him?" Heero asked, his gaze wintry as he stared at Treize.

"Why should you care?" Treize asked as he watched Zechs manouevre Duo to a kneeling position with his legs spread widely. Heero swallowed as he noticed the vacantness of Duo's eyes and the way that the pilot was calmly letting Zechs do whatever he wanted with him.

"Because I don't want him getting hurt any longer." Heero replied, making everyone in the room give him a stunned look.

=No Heero! Don't do it! I'm not worth it! The mission is more important! After all those times, why now? I can't let you regret your decision=

"Heero! Don't tell them anything!" Duo cried, snapping himself out of his trance.

"No Duo. You've been hurt already! I can't let them hurt you again! The mission doesn't matter! Only you!" Heero cried out hoarsely, making everyone in the room freeze again.

Treize's eyes gleamed as he began to unbuckle his gun belt. Zech's mouth curved into a malevolent smile as he grabbed Duo's arms. But Duo wasn't going to give up the ghost that easily. Heero's proclamation had given him the strength and will to fight back. With a snarl, he got himself loose from Zech's grips and smacked him a hard one right in the crown jewels. Zechs grunted in pain and doubled over as the pain travelled up from his groin.

Treize noticed this and caught hold of Duo's right arm and twisted it. Heero winced as he heard the bone snap and Duo's yell of pain and wished for the millionth time that he could get himself free and kill Treize and Zechs.

"Do that again and I'll break your other wrist, Maxwell." Treize hissed at Duo, whose response was to spit in Treize's face. Treize didn't turn away.

Instead, he backhanded Duo sending him sprawling to the ground. Before Duo could get up and return to his fighting stance, Treize had whipped down his pants and grabbed the fey boy. Gripping Duo's waist, Treize then proceeded to impale the American boy onto his already rock hard erection.

"NOOOO!" Heero found himself screaming as tears suddenly formed in his eyes.

=Have you ever felt sandpaper rubbing against your skin hard? Coarse grain stripping the flesh with each stroke, bringing forth heat and pain before the blood finally comes? I tried to push myself away, but his arms kept me locked in place. I think that was when I floated away from it. I could still feel the pain as his cock ripped the tissues of my passage, could still feel as the blood made it slippery, easier to deal with, but still painful.

I felt odd. I was there, yet I wasn't. I could see what he was doing me in the perspective of an observant, yet I couldn't see anything through my own weeping eyes. I could feel my tears, but they felt like the tears of someone else. It was me, yet it wasn't me.

I lifted my eyes to the ceiling and it was there that I saw the canvas that was mutely describing what was happening to me. Black was slashed through with red and spread through the black in jagged patterns. White came in the corner of the painting and stabbed through the red and white with jagged thunderbolts. With each stroke, the red and white spread further and further through the black. My tears were just a small line of blue, but the red and white overwhelmed it by far too much. The red was overwhelming as it threatened to tear the unity of the black and white apart.

Purple came in and looked like blood dripping down a wall. The pain came back hard and harsh like a hot poker being pressed against delicate skin. I became vaguely aware of the blood running down my leg and the nagging ache in my wrist. But I couldn't come back. Not yet. I wanted to be the voyeur a little longer before I was forced back into my ruined flesh again.

He lets out a loud groan and collapses, bringing me with him. I don't say anything as he hands me over to his cohort. I can't speak. I can't hear. I can't FEEL. Glass surrounds me in my little prison. I press my palms against it. I'm in shock and I know it. I don't care. It won't be better tomorrow. I carry the scars and marks of losing my virginity. I can't look at him. I have been ruined for him. Without any ounce of respect or caring, these two have taken the most precious gift that I could have ever given anyone. They will never know how much and how deeply they have scarred me. But that will be the last time someone ever touches me in that way again. The glass walls will protect me. I won't ever let myself NOT and hide myself like I am doing now. Maybe in time this will all fade away and I will be the same as I was.

Heero tries to touch me. He can't touch me! I can't let him! I scream and he backs off. I don't know why he is so surprised... There's a piece of glass here. Do I still bleed? I can't feel anymore? But can I bleed? The blood comes forth thick and dark. I'm thirsty now. I guess I'd better drink. It tastes like milk. Sweet, creamy milk. I slash myself more to assuage my thirst. It takes me back to the eating hall, when Sister Helen gave us a bit of milk to drink. There. It's gone now. I can now think clearly again. I don't want to look at the others. They can't know.=

"He rode him like a fucken horse. No regard for his feelings whatsoever." Heero whispered as he wiped the tear that had spilled over on his cheek. He took a deep breath and shuddered before he continued on with his gory tale.

"Then it was Zechs' turn. He was more gentle, but Duo was still in pain." He paused as he looked at Quatre. "Duo was a virgin."

"Those fuckin' bastards!" Quatre exclaimed when Heero told him this. The blonde boy closed his eyes briefly before he spoke again.

"Why are his arms all sliced up?" The little Arabian asked the stoic Japanese pilot. "Did he try to kill himself?" He asked, silently hoping he was wrong.

Heero shook his head and angrily ran his hand through his thick, messy hair.

"I touched him, the night before Wu-fei and Trowa came for us." Heero's face crumpled as he looked at Quatre. "I only wanted to help him. I didn't know that he would react so strongly against me." Heero whispered in a small voice which made Quatre come close to him again.

"He started screaming when I touched his head. He wouldn't stop. Even when I pulled away. He kept on screaming. He quieted down when he found a shard of glass in our cell."

Heero looked at the wall then, his words coming out as if they were spilling out of him out of their own accord. Quatre put his arm around him and held him close. Normally Heero would have pulled away and told him to go to hell for good measure, but this time, he gratefully sank against the support that Quatre was giving him. Emotional and physical.

"He began to slice his arms with the glass. Over and over again. He kept on slicing skin that was already bloody and torn. It was eerie, since he would drink his own blood. Every time he bled, he would suck it clean with these sensual movements. He would watch me as well." Heero shivered as he recalled how Duo's violet orbs shimmered in the darkness as he licked the rivulets of blood on his arms. He wouldn't tell Quatre, but he had been afraid of sleeping with Duo watching him. Despite the fact that he didn't want to be touched, Duo felt dangerous. He recalled seeing Trowa's lions one day, and how they watched him as he walked past their cage. That intense animal concentration for the prey was what he had felt for the entire time that he had shared a cell with Duo. Even though Duo was his lover, he couldn't lie to himself over the relief he felt at having Trowa and Wu-fei by his side once again.

"He made you afraid of him?" Quatre asked softly. Heero looked at the drawn statement on the blonde's face and nodded. <Poor bastard and his space heart. How can he be so strong?>

"Trowa used to do that to me sometimes." Quatre told him as he carefully studied the pattern of tiles on the hallway floor. Heero frowned. Trowa? He seemed so unassuming. He couldn't imagine the Heavy arms pilot doing anything like that to little Quatre.

"He had a similar experience to Duo's when he was a little boy. When we first met, he would indicate he wanted me, but if I came to close, he would look at me in such a way that made my blood run cold. Or he'd touch me in such a creepy way that I would pull away from him." He looked up at Heero and smiled a bit to ease the tension.

"But it wasn't like he was abusing me or doing it on purpose. It was like a warning. A warning that had been so ingrained in him that he didn't realize what he was doing. It was his protection device. Duo's doing the same thing. He cares for you, but he's showing the limits that have to exist between you now." Quatre explained, tiredly rubbing his temples as he recalled his own struggles to overcome Trowa's barriers and reticence at being touched or being made love to.

Heero nodded. His brow furrowed as he thought about what Quatre was telling him.

"How long do you suppose he'll be that way for? It just doesn't seem normal for him to be that way." Heero commented. Quatre shrugged as he pushed Heero's bangs out of the way.

"It depends. It's too early to tell, for one thing. Plus, he's probably traumatized from having his hair cut off. I was watching him in the hall, when you were getting fixed up. He looked like he felt lower than a worm's belly. I can only speak from my experiences with Trowa, and gaining his trust was what took me the longest time to achieve. The love and the breaking of physical barriers came quicker once trust was regained." He sighed.

"It might be harder with Duo, though. He needs his pride back." Quatre whispered.

"I see." Heero replied in very tired and defeated voice. Quatre squeezed the Wing pilot against him once more, hoping to reassure him with a small amount of physical contact.

"We'll help you, Heero. If and when you need help, we'll help you. Night or day, we will be there for you both." Heero smiled down at the little Arabian pilot.

"Thanks, Mate. Needed to hear that." Heero whispered. A silence fell upon them, but neither of them was eager to break it. They both needed to think about what had just passed between them.

They normally wouldn't have talked like this. Quatre was more Duo's friend than his, if truth had to be known. He usually felt uncomfortable with the Sandrock pilot's cheeriness and desire to make everyone as happy as he was. He didn't know what to make of that, and avoided it as much as he possibly could without seeming like he was snubbing Quatre.

But with what had just happened to Duo, he felt too creeped out to talk to the other pilots. Trowa was out of the question because of his past. The poor guy had enough happen to him already without having to relive his personal demons once again. Wu-fei would rather undergo a root-canal without anaesthetic than talk about his feelings or the feelings of anyone else. Quatre was the logical choice.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!! HEERO! HELP ME!" Duo's screams pierced the hallway and sent both Heero and Quatre running into the room were Duo had been sleeping.

"Duo! Duo! It's all right! Duo! It's all right! Calm down." Heero said as he anxiously hovered by the traumatized American pilot, who was thrashing about, getting himself entangled with his sheets as he tried to fight off the nightmare that had gripped him.

"What's going on in here?" Heero turned around and saw Quatre doing his best to shoo the nurses and doctor out of the room.

"It's nothing. He's just having nightmares. We'll quiet him down." Quatre spoke rapidly, his face flushing as he tried to convince them that they weren't needed.

"Look at his arms!" A nurse cried. Heero cursed and shook his head at Quatre.

"He's fine! Really, he is!" Quatre insisted feebly. The doctors and the nurses ignored him as they began to wrestle with Duo.

"GET AWAY! DON"T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!" Duo shrieked the minute he felt hands upon him. He kept on screaming and screaming until one of the nurses pulled out a syringe and jabbed his exposed arm with it. The thrashing and screaming stopped so suddenly that the silence seemed deafening by contrast.

"Restrain him." The doctor ordered the nurses, who quickly complied with the request.

"Hey, wait a minute! You can't do that! He's not even a patient!" Quatre pointed out angrily.

"He is now." The doctor told him in a quiet voice.

"Why? He was just having a nightmare! He was startled!" Quatre continued.

"He was having more than a nightmare, Mr. Wiltshire and you know it. Besides, the slashes on his arms are enough for me to commit him. Although he didn't commit suicide, there's the off-chance he could and I'm not willing to take the risk that he'll do it. He's staying here for now and that's final, Mr. Wiltshire." The doctor's voice was firm and Quatre knew that they had no choice but to comply with the doctor's commands.

"For how long?" Heero asked the doctor as he watched the nurses pull a blanket over Duo's body, which had been tied spread-eagle to the bed. His face was slack and pale-looking, but it had lost the fearful and unbalanced look it had when he had been fighting and screaming.

"A week? A couple? It all depends if he co-operates and isn't considered a risk to himself or others." The doctor replied in a monotone voice.

"I'm staying with him." Heero told the doctor and Quatre. The doctor frowned.

"He'll be out most of the night and we will need to work with him in the time he spends here."

"I don't care. I'm staying with him. He needs me now. I intend to be here for him."

The doctor looked at Heero and shrugged instead of giving him a spiel. He could see Heero had made his mind up and there would be no budging him from his position.

"Very well then." Was all he said as he exited the room, leaving Heero and Quatre looking at each other with weary and dejected faces.

"Tell the others that I'm staying." Heero told the blonde boy curtly.

"They've already left hours ago." Quatre told him flatly. "I had already told Duo I would stay here with you, so I told Trowa and Wu-fei to go to the safe house."

"Thanks for going out of your way for us, Cat." Heero said to the other boy.

"I wasn't, Heero. You both are friends of mine. I'll help any way I can." Quatre replied.

 

 

=I have been here for days. It is awful here. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. They think I'm crazy cause of my arms. I wanted to bleed. Watch my blood flow down my arms. Like a river as it washes my sins away. Padre nuestro, que estas en el cielo, santificado sea tu nombre...I always forget that part. But he won't listen to me. I've done too much. But then, when did he listen? First it was my parents..then the people at Maxwell Church. Now, when I have finally found someone to really love me, I let that love be soiled by being so weak as to let myself be taken by them. I am dirty. I am a slut. Heero won't want to come near me again. I'm soiled for him. Soiled. He can't love me. Not the way that I am. Dammit! You took my faith away and now you're taking the only one I love! I HATE you! Why can't you leave me in peace? How long must I suffer this? WHY?=

Duo turned away from the wall that he had been silently berating and looked at the two boys in his room. He had been here for a week and the doctor didn't want to let him go home just yet. It also didn't help matters that Duo wasn't responding to anything. He wouldn't take medication, nor would he talk to the psychiatrist assigned to him. The only ones he would talk to were Quatre and Heero. He would shrink away in fear whenever he saw Trowa and Wu-fei came to seem him and no one could figure out the reason why he would be afraid of the French and Chinese pilots.

"Why are you here?" Duo asked the two boys, his voice a monotone that made Heero Yuy sound lively in comparison. Hearing this question made Heero and Quatre exchange glances.

"Because we care about you, Duo. And we want you to get better so you can come home with us." Quatre answered the delicate boy who was sitting on the bed with his arms wrapped around his knees. Duo looked at him with dark, almost soulless eyes and shook his head.

"Why do you care? I'm just a little boy-slut who'd give it to anyone." Duo replied morosely as he began to pick at the bandages on his right arm. Heero exchanged looks with Quatre.

"That's not true! You are NOT a slut!" Quatre said firmly, careful not to make Duo upset.

"I did it with Zech. and Treize. I am a slut! I never said no." Duo persisted, his voice still life-less as he spoke, almost as if he were repeating a lesson from memory.

"You were violated, Duo! There wasn't anything you could have done to prevent it! You were a victim! It wasn't your fault!" Heero said with vehemence, making the fey boy cringe slightly.

"Why do you say that?" Duo asked the Japanese boy.

"Why?" Heero was stunned.

<Why would he ask such a question? Duo...You're tearing me apart, Love>

"Because I love you! I care for you! It's tearing me apart to see you like this!" Duo looked at him in surprise and sorrow, but Heero hadn't finished. "My love for you will never fade or change. Even though you think that about yourself, I shall never see you in that way. To me, You will always be pure. You'll never change for me."

Quatre blinked at the primal passion that Heero had imbued his words with. He had never heard the Wing pilot be so emotionally naked. He was practically tearing his mask off for Duo to see the beating rawness of the emotions that the blue-eyed boy had for him.

<Duo. You have to believe me. Please Duo. Don't fall away from me.>

"So you love me?" Duo asked in a weary and saddened voice. Heero nodded briefly.

"Even though I played the whore with Treize and Zech.?" He asked in a low voice.

"Duo! No! You were a victim. A victim of circumstance! It wasn't your fault! You aren't a whore! You NEVER were and never will be!" Heero nearly shouted at the American boy.

"Are there such things as victims, Heero? Was I ever really innocent?" Duo asked as he lifted his face to his lover, who had to keep himself from cringing as that dead and vacant face looked at him. It was so devoid of emotion that it looked like a theatre mask. Duo had never looked that way. Never. His face was so mobile that anyone could see what the boy was feeling just by glancing at him. But this...this wasn't Duo. Duo seemed to have gone away.

<Did you leave me, my angel? Was it all too much for you? Why couldn't I help you?>

Heero swallowed the lump in his throat and prepared an answer for his lover.

"Yes, there are. Some people are just unfortunate enough to be at the wrong time at the wrong place. Things just happen that they simply can't stop or prevent. There's no use blaming yourself for what happened. It couldn't be stopped." Heero answered quietly.

<What are you thinking, Duo? Do you believe me? Please believe me.> Duo turned away began to stare at the wall in front of him once more.

=What can I tell him? What? In my head, it all makes sense. In my heart, it doesn't. Why can't he see that I'm not for him? That I have failed him? Heero...I want to say with you. But you deserve someone clean like Quatre. God has played a joke on us. We can't undo the damage.=

"No. You're wrong. It could have been different." He whispered before he buried his face in his hands and began to cry, leaving Heero standing there helplessly, a stricken look on his face as every sob that Duo emitted tore at his calloused and beaten heart with a blade of pain and regret.

<It hurts so much. To see you like this. I could walk away and steal Quatre from Trowa and leave you to him. But I'd be playing into your guilt if I did. It would confirm the view that you have of yourself. A view that has been distorted by your grief. I won't give you up, Maxwell. I won't. Not even if it takes the rest of my life to prove you wrong.>

 

 

The next day found them driving to the safe-house that the Winner family had provided for them. Heero and Quatre sat in the front while Duo sat curled up in the back, his arms around a large stuffed armadillo that Trowa had kindly provided for him to make up for whatever it was that he had done to the jittery American pilot. Duo's eyes were wide and hollow, the impression made stronger by the black shadows under his opaque and dull violet eyes. Although he was exhausted by the anti-psychotic drug implant that the doctor had finally forced him to take in order to be released, he wouldn't go to sleep. He was scared of facing Trowa and Wu-fei.

=What do they think of me? Do they think of me as a slut? Would they forgive me for being so weak? I don't want to go near Trowa. He reminds me of Treize. The calmness before the storm. Would he do anything? Would Wu-fei? They scare me. I know that I should be more scared of Heero, The psycho bastard from hell. But I'm not. Quatre's..Quatre. He brushes my hair for me and braids it. He doesn't feel like he'd hurt me. Neither does Heero. He does care for me. But he can't love me. Why is he still pursuing me? I'm trash. Trash.=

Quatre looked at Heero and then looked meaningfully at the rearview mirror. Heero shook his head and slumped down in the passenger seat.

"Duo?" Quatre asked, hoping that Heero was wrong and that the fey lad was asleep.

"What is it Quatre?" Duo asked in a weary voice that told Quatre how much the other boy was fighting the drug-induced weariness.

"Hershey's are you favourite chocolate, right?" Quatre asked, hoping that the mention of chocolate would help brighten the spirits of the heavily depressed pilot.

"Yeah. Why do you ask?" Quatre winced to himself as he heard the quiet, careful voice that Duo now spoke in, making him sound a bit like John Malkovich. Even though the loud, incessant babble that Duo used to make sometimes exasperated him and more often than not gave him a thundering headache; He would much rather have the headache than the quietness and carefulness that the American now spoke with.

"I just wanted to let you know that Trowa and I stocked up loads of it for your home-coming."

He looked into the rear-view mirror to see what kind of reaction that announcement had caused.

"Gee, thanks, Quatre." Duo replied in a tired voice that lacked any actual enthusiasm.

Quatre sighed and looked over to Heero, who reached over and patted the Arabian boy on the shoulder in a "Don't feel bad, you tried and I understand." gesture.

"Just be patient" The doctor had told them. "He'll come to terms with it. It's not you guys that are the problem. He just needs time to forgive himself and make peace with the past."

Heero watched the trees zoom by as they drove home. <How long? How long love?>

He stopped thinking when they reached the house. He was so weary. He hadn't realized how emotionally and physically exhausted he was until the house loomed before him.

"Thank God we're home." He found himself saying, the tiredness in his voice highly apparent.

"Yeah. I want to sleep" Heero's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he heard Duo agreeing with him. "I want my bed." He added, acting as if he hadn't said anything out of the ordinary.

"Do you want me to be in the room with you, Duo?" Heero asked cautiously.

=Thank-you. Thank-you. I was so scared! I know that you'll keep me safe. I trust you. I don't know why. I should make you leave. But I don't want you to go.=

"Yes." Duo answered in a voice that sounded almost like the squeak of a scared child.

Heero opened his car door and stepped out onto the pavement of the modest home. With quick movements, he opened Duo's door and waited for the sleepy American to stumble out. Even though he was concerned that Duo would fall, he didn't touch him. He didn't want to make him crawl back into the fragile shell that he was slowly making his way out of.

Luckily, he made it onto his own feet without any problems. The three boys then slowly headed into the house. Quatre went to find Trowa and make-up for not spending enough time with him since Duo's hospitalization and Duo and Heero headed to the room that they bunked in.

Once Duo was in the room, he fell into the bed like a ton of bricks, relaxing into unconsciousness the minute that his head had touched the pillow. Heero stood by him for a moment before he gently covered him with a blanket, an amused smile tugging at his lips as he saw the childish way Duo held onto the armadillo.

"Sleep well." He whispered as he walked to his own bed and slumped down in it.

<Not yet. Not Yet.> Was his last thought as his eyes wearily closed and he too was dragged into the map less realm of sleep and dreams.

 

Duo sat up and looked around himself. This wasn't the room that he and Heero shared. He remembered those dark walls with the faded Saints' pictures on them. The narrow beds covered with cheap blankets and arranged in claustrophobic rows. He looked down at himself and noticed that he was wearing a soutane like he used to wear when he was eight years old.

"This is weird." He muttered, forgetting his self-loathing for the moment as he tired to figure out WHY he was dreaming about Maxwell church. He never thought about it if he could help it.

Why was he here? Would his brain not let him have a bit of peace for once in his life?

<No. Not when you have to solve this problem of yours.> Duo's head whipped to the direction of the voice. He frowned in surprise and shock when he saw who had spoken. Or thought.

<I always knew you were fast, Benicio.> Heero told him, sounding a bit, well, sarcastic.

"What the Hell are you doing here? And Why are you wearing a Soutane? And who's Benicio?" Duo asked as he noticed that Heero was wearing a soutane, just like his. As far as he knew, Heero had no religion.

<It's not for my benefit, Love. I-we, figured it would make it easier on you if I was dressed like this. If I recall it correctly, you confess to a priest. Well, here I am, your personal Jesus.>

"What do I have to say to you? I am beyond redemption. Even if you could give it. I could never receive it. Not only have I killed, I've also betrayed the love that you gave me. I soiled what we had and it can never become clean once more."

<I could shake you for that. I really could. But I promised them I wouldn't hurt, you Benicio.>

"My name is Duo. Not Benicio." Heero waved his protest away before he continued.

<Why do you say you're soiled? How do you know it? You actually have looked?>

"Don't make fun of me. I'm cursed. Everyone I come in contact with either gets killed or gets hurt in some way. I'm like a fucken embodiment of a curse."

<Ha! You made me FEEL, Benicio. How is that soiling something? Your parents prayed for you, Benicio. They wanted and needed you. They never saw you as a curse. In fact, the name that they gave you, Benicio Amadeo, "Benevolent one loved by God" spoke out how much they believed that you were a blessing from the man upstairs. You're so pure, yet you don't see it.>

Heero shook his head as he leaned forward to look in Duo's violet eyes.

<You give so much of yourself to others. They all need you. They all pray for you. In their own way. Just because you have no tangible proof it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. We all carry a bit of you inside of ourselves. It adds onto our strength. Ultra-violet. That's what you are.>

"Don't you think I want to believe you? Don't you think I ache since I can't let it go?"

<Why? Why keep it? Let it go. Why do you hold so much onto your guilt? You don't need it.>

"Because I can't believe that all those people that died because of me will ever forgive me. I am a hopeless case that is beyond redemption. Hell, I doubt that God even listens to me. Or anyone for that matter."

<Oh, but he does. All the time.> Heero told him seriously.

"Come off it, Heero. He doesn't. Why would he? Isn't he busy with his church and condemning us fags to burn in hell?"

Heero looked at him and shook his head. But his lips were twitching as he looked at the Deathscythe pilot. He couldn't take it any longer and began to laugh.

Hard.

"Heero?" Duo asked. He had never seen Heero laugh so hard in his life. It was Odd.

<"Who the hell fed you that pile of garbage?"> Heero asked as he tried to get himself under control. He wiped the tears from his eyes and began to explain why he had laughed so hard.

<"First, kiddo, God isn't the church. That's the physical manifestation of him. But he's everything and everywhere. You can find him in a meadow, a car park or a graveyard. He is the finite and the answer to the question of the universe, so of course he listens. Kinda hard not to when you're all over the place.

As for that other stuff..it's a big pile of B.S. The church rulers made all that crap up about going to hell etc. In fact, the church maintains that love between two men is cool; Just don't act upon it. But even that is flimsy at best, since sex is an statement of love between two people. All that God wants is for people to love and respect each other. He's not really concerned with the particulars, just as long as you love and respect your neighbour, he's cool with that.>

"Who told you that?" Duo asked, his voice full of shell-shock and disbelief.

<The Man himself. Told me to pass the message down to you. Just like your parents told me to tell you your name before it was all lost in the mists of time.>

"Why would they use you to do that? Why couldn't they show up and do it themselves?"

<Come on! Seriously. Think about that for a minute. If the Man himself came down to you and started telling you this, you would most likely say you did too much pot and go to sleep and forget about the damn message in the first place!>Heero shook his head. <Don't say you wouldn't cause you already did it to Death himself.> Heero frowned. <Well, you said something quite unexpected to him, actually>

"Say what?" Duo asked, his face draining of colour.

<Oh yeah. He was about to take me after I had self-destructed once and you told him to fuck himself and the horse that he rode in on.> Duo's eyes widened. "I never!" Heero laughed as he nodded.

<Yes, you did. That's why he hasn't taken any of us yet. He wants to put off seeing you for a while longer. He's kind of miffed that you reacted that way. Others curse life. You told him where to go.>

"Christ! This is too much! Why should I believe all of this?" Duo exclaimed angrily as he jumped off the old bed he used to sleep so securely in when he was still somewhat a child.

<St. Jude and St. Raphael told me to give you this. They suspected you'd be this way. So they told me to give you this and to tell you that you're not a hopeless case.> Heero said as he produced a small, oval pewter Saint's medal like the one Father Maxwell used to have. Without waiting for Duo to take it, he pressed it into the boy's hand and folded his limp fingers around it.

<I guess my work here's done. It's up to you to either believe me or think that this is all a strange dream. The last thing that I can say is that I love you, and that my love for you will never die. Ever. I shall love you, even when you cannot love yourself. You opened the well of my emotions and I won't and can't give you up without a fight. Even if it means fighting you.>

Heero got up and walked out of the room without a backward glance, leaving Duo to think about what he had just been told.

 

Duo jerked awake and sat bolt upright in his bed. {What a fucked up dream!}

He pushed the blanket away with his legs and swung his legs onto the floor. He sat that way for several moments before he was about to run his hand through his hair when he became aware of a cool, oval object clutched in his hand. Frowning, he opened his hand and screamed when he saw the medal in his hand. The exact medal that Heero had given him in the dream.

"What? What? What is it, Duo?" Heero asked as he came awake with a jerk and rushed over to the American pilot, who held out the medal to Heero.

"You gave me this. In a dream. Why is it real?" Duo whispered as Heero took the medal from him and examined it, his face intent on the Saints carved upon its' surfaces.

"Because the dream was real." Heero said after minutes of silence.

"No. No. I can't be that crazy!" Duo said as Heero shook his head.

"You're not crazy. But you have to work it out yourself. I was only the intermediary. It's up to you to work this all out." Heero said wearily as he gave him back the medal and went to the window and turned his back upon the bewildered Deathscythe pilot still sitting on his bed.

"What should I do?" Duo asked softly after Heero had gone to the window.

"It's your choice. In the end, you alone are the one that chooses whether you can forgive yourself or not. No one does it for you. Not even the one that loves you more than life itself can do it."

Heero whispered as he exited the room, leaving Duo alone with his thoughts.

 

 

<I'm so weary. So weary. I don't know what to do. I've done all I can. I have to wait and see what will happen to him. But every day that passes, it gets harder to keep the faith. I love him. Maybe that's my sin. That I love him. But I can't deny it. Or want to. Can't you see that you're tearing me apart, love? Please. Help him find himself. Please give him back to me.>

Heero looked up at the front of the empty cathedral he had stumbled into. He couldn't think in the safe house. It wasn't that the others were getting on his nerves. Rather, it was a mix of worry and sexual frustration that had driven him to search a refuge. He had driven aimlessly for hours, as he tried to calm his frustrated libido and push Duo's haunted face out of his mind.

He had come upon the cathedral by sheer accident, entranced only by the beauty of the stained glass windows and pale stone that it was constructed out of. He wasn't religious. Never had been. But the cathedral drew him in like a magnet does to iron ore. So that was why he was sitting in one of the empty pews in the smaller section of the church staring at the architecture and windows that portrayed dead and gone martyrs and angels.

"Duo." He whispered the name out, not wanting to disturb the silence that lay like a blanket inside the building. He shook his head as he began to study the stained glass window directly beside him. Things were strange still between all of them. It seemed the tension between Duo and himself had spread to the others as well and that was causing a slow, but sure breakdown.

Trowa and Quatre were having problems because of the emotions the blonde boy was picking up from Duo. Wu-fei seemed unaffected by anything, but Heero could see that wasn't true. Many times in the past six months he had caught the Chinese pilot staring at Duo with a sad and thoughtful look in his dark eyes. The only improvement was that Duo wasn't afraid of Trowa and Wu-fei any longer. But his behaviour heavily indicated that he was still hurting deeply.

He wouldn't stay alone. Normally that would have driven them to suicide, except that now, Duo rarely spoke. He also wouldn't let anyone touch him. If anyone did, he would either run away or start to cry. Only he could touch them. But even then, he didn't do it for long. Only brief touches, almost as if he were telling them he trusted them, but nothing more.

His hair was another battle of contention between them all. Duo would wash it and take care of it, but only if Quatre forced him to do it. The blatant disregard he had for his hair was a constant worry to all of them, since it showed how much Duo needed to heal. He hadn't let it grow since it was cut and had gone berserk when Heero asked him about it. Heero had never brought it up again; Despite the gnawing ache that the abused hair caused him, he kept quiet.

"I'm so weary. So tired. I may have already lost this battle for his soul." He whispered to the gaily coloured panes of glass. He felt so helpless as he admitted it out loud. But he couldn't but to think it true. Duo was physically there, but so far away. No one could reach him. In the recesses of his mind, he was locked away so securely that he couldn't make the first step to completing the journey back to them.

<I don't want to lose you. I don't want to admit defeat. I promised I wouldn't give you up without a fight. But the fight's over and you aren't any better. I lost you. I'm sorry.>

Heero stood up and looked up at the heavy, gracefully carved crucifix hanging above the altar.

"May the Lord forgive me. I've let yet another person down again. Forgive me, Duo's God."

//And so he woke up
from where he was
lying still.
Said: "we gotta do
something
about where we're going"
Step on a stream train
Step out of the driving rain
Maybe run
from the darkness into the driving rain.
Singing Ha La La La De Day
Singing Ha La La La De Day."//

Duo examined the needle critically as he filled it with his first ever shot of smack. It was clean and sharp. Soon it would be buried in his vein and maybe he'd be able to shatter the glass of the prison he had willingly placed himself in, but was now finding intolerable. He missed Heero. Missed Trowa and Quatre and Wu-fei. But he couldn't reach out and tell them this. He had died inside. He couldn't tell them even if he had wanted to.

Maybe he was stupid for doing smack. Maybe. But he was feeling so desperate, he'd do anything to make the empty ness and nightmares go away. Even if just for a little while. The others wouldn't know. He wouldn't let them know.

//"Sweet the sin
But bitter the taste
in my mouth
I see seven towers
but I only see
one way out" //

He tightened the belt around his arm with his teeth. Flexing his fingers, he was satisfied to find them tingling pleasantly. Good. They had gotten comfortably numb. Taking a deep breath, he aimed the needle directly into the bulging vein in the crook of his arm.

"Okay kid. Here we go." He whispered as he jabbed the needle in, wincing a bit as it broke skin.

//"You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice.
You know
I took the poison
from the poison stream,
Then I floated out of here.
Singing Ha La La La De Day
Singing Ha La La La De Day"//

His body was in the thrills of euphoria as the smack ran like fire down his veins. It felt like vodka does when it moves down your throat for the first time in a dark night. Like the first fire of anger and victory as you crush your enemies. He smiled vacantly as it moved through him.

=God! This bliss! Is it possible?= He asked himself as he kept on pushing the stopper of the syringe to get the last drops of liquid fire into his veins. It was like being in heaven. Or at least as close as he possibly ever could get there. He felt his body relax and he sank clumsily onto the floor of his and Heero's room. His eyes could search out swirling patterns on the ceiling and he giggled. They looked like dragons and snakes as they intertwined with each other over and over again. He was having fun. Maybe he should have done this earlier. He giggled again. But the giggle was cut short as his body stiffened up and his eyes rolled back into his head.

=Christ! Christ! God help me!= Was his last coherent thought before his mind exploded into a champagne supernova of colours as his body began to seize and convulse.

Images flashed by. A woman with purple eyes cried while Heero screamed, high-pitched and pain-filled. White lights. Blue eyes, shining like beacons in the muddled night. Green eyes, and pain like a razor. Warm hands, soothing the sting. Tears. Someone crying. A boy with yellow hair. Those blue eyes again, intense and full of sorrow and regret. Silence and blackness followed the eyes. He looked up and saw a small pinprick of light high, high, above him.

"Where am I?" Duo asked, his voice small and weak in that dark void.

"The Shadow lands." A voice answered. Then it was quiet again.

//She runs through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway
She brings me
White gold and pearls
stolen from the sea
She is raging
She is raging
and the storm blows in her eyes
She will suffer the needle chill
She is running to stand still."//

 

 

<You can't die on me. You who claim to be the god of death. You can't die. You can't die. If you die, we are lost. So lost. Especially me. The Pandora's box that you opened will eventually kill me. I can't live without you by my side. I wasn't living before. How can I live if you die? You haven't taught me that secret yet. I don't have the power to discover it either. As a lover, I plead with you to make it back to me. Come back from the realm I can't follow you in. Please. Please.>

Heero rubbed his eyes roughly as he tried to get the gritty tiredness out of them. He had been awake for so long. He couldn't exactly remember when he had last gone to sleep. That was okay.

"Wake up for me." He whispered to the motionless figure lying on the bed he stood next to.

Duo didn't respond to his pleas. He was comatose. Had been for several days and the doctors were giving up hope. But Heero hadn't. He couldn't explain it, but he felt deep in his heart that Duo would be all right. That he was just lost somehow and needed to ask the way back home.

"Any change?" Trowa asked Heero as he stepped into the room and walked over to the bed. Heero shook his head as he turned to face the other pilot. He rubbed his face in weariness.

"No. He's still out. The doctors said he might not make it back whole." He said in a soft voice.

Trowa looked at Heero, a worried look on his face as he came closer to the silent Duo.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked, his voice low and concerned.

"The doctors said he might have some brain damage if he comes out of it." Heero replied.

"The chances of him recovering are slim. He's been in a coma for six days. Most O.D. patients are either dead or awake by this time. The doctors aren't optimistic that he'll wake." Heero looked away as he spoke the next words. "They've been pressuring me to pull the plug on him."

 

Quatre slumped against the wall just outside of Duo's room and closed his eyes to prevent the tears from spilling over onto his cheeks. But the tears came anyway. He quickly wiped at them, but they kept on coming as he turned around and retraced his steps back to the safe house.

As he drove, Heero's words kept playing themselves over and over in his mind. He shook his head to clear it, but the words were still there. He cried harder as he tried to locate the thin line that was Duo and nearly screamed in horror at how thin it had become. The doctors were right. Duo was slipping away fast. He yelled out his frustration at not being able to reach Duo earlier and slammed his fist against the dashboard of his car.

He rushed into the house and didn't stop until he had reached Duo's room. All the answers were in that room. He just had to find the package and he'd be able to bring him back. He had no choice. Duo was slipping away rather than coming back. He couldn't let him leave. Not in such a way. Not for a long time. Maybe forever. Quatre shook his head as an image of Trowa popped into his head. He paused. Letting out a choked sob, he turned to the mess in front of him.

"I have to find him." He whispered through gritted teeth as he ransacked Duo's room. He knew Duo still had a stash of heroin, but it was a matter of actually finding it. He dug around for what seemed like hours until he found the small, paper packet that felt like it had fine sugar inside. Grabbing it, he exited the room and went to his and Trowa's bathroom.

Flicking on the lights, he took the spoon and lighter he had placed there earlier when he had made his decision. With precise movements, he ripped the paper package open and poured the heroin into the spoon. Taking a small amount of water from the tap, he diluted it. Fishing a capped syringe out of his pocket, he flicked the cap off and stirred the mixture with the tip. Once it had been thoroughly mixed, he began to heat it with one of Heero's lighters.

Quatre's hands were sweating and he was breathing hard as he watched the mixture become a gelatinous glob in the well of the spoon. He really didn't want to do this. Heroin made him nervous. Mostly because he had been the one to find a dead junkie when he had been sent out for supplies one time. That was why he had fainted when Duo had his overdose. The memories had overwhelmed him. He couldn't handle it. That was why he had let Duo slip further and further away. He couldn't bring himself to do this sooner. He still had nightmares of the way the young boy's face was pale and bluish and how the blood trickled out of his nose and pooled beside his head. He gritted his teeth as he pushed the image of that young junkie out of his head.

"This will be over soon." He whispered to himself as he put the lighter away and examined the mixture. It was ready. The glob was thick and slimy looking. The heroin had cooked.

Taking the syringe, he poked at the mass and began to extract the liquid. He filled it up two-thirds of the way and tapped it gently to let out air bubbles. Looking at it closely, he nodded when he saw that there weren't any.

"Duo" He whispered as he fingered the syringe. He was so scared. So very scared. Not of the physical effects, but afraid of the chance of failure he could face. He could die along with Duo. He could end up there in exchange for Duo. Or they could make it back. But he had to try.

Taking a deep breath, he turned towards the mirror and readied the syringe in his hand. He smiled grimly at his reflection before lifting the needle and plunging it into his neck.

"Trowa. Understand." He whispered as he pressed the stopper and plunged under the waves.

 

 

=I'm tired and scared as I sit in this glass cage. I can't get out. The glass is inches thick and it is pressing down on me. I feel like it is slowly becoming my mausoleum. I will die here. In the Shadow lands. Whatever they are. I scream again and pound on the smooth, polished surface, but to no avail. Apart from bruising my hands, that is.=

"Benicio. That's not the way to get out." Duo turned around and searched for the origin of that cool and quiet voice. It sounded as if Trowa had just spoken to him. =Where are you?=

"I'm not Triton. I'm Gabriel. Your father." A man stepped out from the shadows in front of him, making Duo blink his eyes in shock and surprise.

The man in front of him could have been his older brother. He had the same shade of chestnut hair as he did, and it was kept loose and down to his shoulders. The same rangy and wiry build was there, so was the milky paleness of the skin. The features changed a bit, though. Gabriel's features were more doll-like and delicate. He looked like a porcelain doll come to life. Too perfect to be real. Too breathtaking for him to be a man. But the oddest thing by far were his eyes. His left eye was as dark as Wu-fei's. So dark in fact, that it just looked like an endless void. The pupil wasn't visible at all. It just looked like a disc of solid black. His right eye was a shade that could only be described as topaz yellow. Duo blinked again, making Gabriel laugh softly.

"You get your eyes from your mother." He said as he came closer to Duo.

"My mother?" Duo gasped out, his head reeling like it did when Heero had told him of his parents. Gabriel studied him carefully and nodded before speaking again.

"I don't have much time, Benicio. So this will be fast." Duo only stared at the man numbly.

"A friend is coming to fetch you. He's travelling as we speak. But when you get here, you have to make the choice whether you want to stay with us, sister Helen, Father Maxwell, Solo and everyone else that has passed out of your life, or go with him to the one you love. If he comes and you haven't made the choice, you will stay in the Shadow lands, encased in glass, until you die in the real world. And that can be for a very long time."

"What if I can't make the choice?" Duo asked in a bitter voice. "What if you're afraid?"

"You go through with it." Gabriel replied as he reached out and cradled Duo's chin in his hand. Duo didn't stop him. He couldn't feel fear towards Gabriel. His father.

"Your mother was afraid to have you. She feared dying. But she went through with it because her desire to bring you into this world and be with you outweighed her fear." Gabriel said softly. He turned and studied his offspring once again before speaking.

"There is no shame, Benicio. You should never be ashamed. They may hurt you, but they can't steal your soul. Nor buy it. Keep that in mind when you are faced with your choice."

"How will I know which is the right choice?" Duo asked as his father smoothed the dirty wisps of hair back from his pale and haggard face.

"You just know." Gabriel replied as he let go of Duo's face and tilted his head to the side as if listening for something that only he could hear.

= I want to stay with them. I want to feel safe again. To see Father and Sister, to run with Solo. To not have war again. To be free of obligations. To not worry about whether the sunrise I see will be the last I'll ever see. To meet my parents and be sheltered like I never was when I was in my own life. I won't be hurt like the way I was. No one will be able to touch me again.=

"Your friend is coming." Gabriel said in a quiet voice. "Good-bye, Benicio."

 

"Hello?" Wu-fei called as he came into the empty house. No answer. Wu-fei frowned, then shrugged to himself as he ran upstairs to his room. On his way there, he noticed that the bathroom shared by Trowa and Quatre had the door slightly ajar and that the light was on.

"Hello? Barton? Winner? Are you in there?" He called out as he crept closer to the bathroom. No answer. Wu-fei frowned to himself as he debated whether to push the door open and risk getting an eyeful of either Barton or Winner doing whatever, or to continue on his merry way.

He decided on opening the door, since he knew that both Barton and Winner were sort of anal about leaving lights on in unused rooms. Taking a deep breath and thanking the gods he had tissues in his pants pocket, he swung the door open. And was greeted by the sight of an unconscious Quatre lying on the cold linoleum. "Quatre? Quatre? QUATRE?" He yelled at the small blonde boy who didn't stir. Frantic, Wu-fei went to the other boy's side and searched for a pulse under the boy's jaw. As he felt the sluggish and somewhat erratic beat under his fingertips, Wu-fei noticed the syringe sticking out of the other side of Quatre's neck.

"NO! Why? Why did you do it?" Wu-fei yelled angrily as he yanked the syringe out and hurled it across the room. "Why Quatre? Why?" He whispered as he got a wad of tissues and stopped the small trickle of blood coming from the vein with his right hand. With his other hand, he fished out his cell and called an ambulance.

When those tasks were done, he looked own at Quatre's face and saw that despite its pasty blueish hue, that he was still breathing. Weakly and erratically, but he was still breathing.

"Hang on, Winner. Hang on." Wu-fei whispered as he anxiously waited for the ambulance.

 

"Are you going to do it?" Trowa asked as he clutched at Duo's limp hand as it lay on the bed.

Heero turned away from him and walked to the window.

"I think I should." Trowa looked down at the floor to hide his turbulent emotions. So lost was he in his thoughts that he failed to notice his hand being squeezed feebly by Duo.

"He'd be happier there. He wouldn't have to live with his past anymore. He'd just be with all those people that he misses so much. Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, his parents. He'd never be hurt again. He'd be free." Heero whispered as he looked out onto the damp and gloomy day.

<Why the hell is it always raining with us? We never have blue skies. It's always rain.>

"Are you giving him up, then?" Trowa asked in a flat voice.

"What would you do if all of this had happened to Quatre? Would you let him die or try to bring him back to you?" Trowa looked down at Duo's face, which was lax and deadly white.

"I would bring him back. I would wait for him. Even though I wish he'd be released from this into a better life, I would try to bring him back." Trowa reached out and pushed a stray wisp of hair from Duo's cool forehead and brushed the cheekbone lightly with his thumb.

"He did it for me. He brought me back." Trowa whispered, making Heero's shoulders twitch. Heero turned around to reply, but his words died in his throat when he saw a dishevelled Wu-fei sprint into the room.

"Wu-fei! What happened?" Heero asked. Was it a mission? Had they been found by Oz?

"Quatre overdosed on some heroin. He's comatose like Duo is right now." Wu-fei replied, his dark eyes glittery as he spoke. He then turned to Trowa. "I'm sorry. I was delayed. Maybe if I hadn't been late, I could have maybe stopped him."

Heero turned back to Trowa, who was now clutching Duo's hand and slowly collapsing onto the floor, a look of open surprise on his face. The look people get when a bullet enters their heart.

"No! Quatre! Porque? Porque lo isiste? No puedes morir! No te puedes morir! No lo quiero! Tu me prometiste..Quatre! Mi amor.." Trowa stopped speaking and a loud, hoarse, choking sob was torn out of his throat. He let go of Duo's hand and wrapped his arms around his body.

"Oh Trowa. I'm sorry. Trowa." Heero whispered as he went up to the tall pilot and put his hand on his shoulder in a tentative gesture. Trowa looked up at Heero, his emerald eyes looking like they were bleeding their colour out. Heero pushed his reticience away and pulled the Heavy Arms pilot into a deep embrace. Trowa resisted for several seconds before he melted into the other boy's arms. Heero smoothed the boy's hair back as he whispered into his ear.

"Trowa. Trowa. He's going to come back. You'll see. He'll be back."

"How do you know?" Trowa whispered as he clutched at the fabric of Heero's T-shirt.

"I just figured it out. He's gone to fetch Duo." Trowa pulled away and looked at Heero.

"How?" He asked, his voice thick from crying. Heero shook his head.

"I don't know. I just know he's going to do it."

 

(Why is it so dark in here? I'm so cold. I hope I can find Duo soon. I'm feeling so cold. Duo? Duo? Where are you? I can't see you. I'm not scared. But I need to find you. Please.)

"Quatre? Quatre?" His head rose at the sound of the husky, woodsy voice.

"Duo?" Quatre yelled out into the darkness that was surrounding him.

"Follow my voice. I can't move from the place were I am." Duo's voice came out from the darkness in front of him.

"All right. I'm coming. Keep on talking or else I'll lose you." Quatre called out as he began to run toward Duo.(And hopefully we'll be home. To Heero and Trowa.)

"Okay, Cat. I can see you coming now. Why are you here though? Why isn't Heero with you?"

"I came here to take you home. To Heero. You're close to dying, Duo. I could barely find you with my space heart. Heero isn't here because he doesn't know that I'm doing this." Quatre replied as he kept on running towards the figure he could see in the distance.

"Why are you doing this?" Duo asked in an anguished voice. "Why Quatre?"

"I can't let you leave us this way, Duo. We can't afford to lose you. We care about you. All of us. That's why I'm here. I want for you to come back to us. To Heero"

Quatre said as he came closer to the forlorn figure that stood in the middle of the darkness.

"I don't know if I can come back to you." Duo said as he reached up and pushed his hair out of his face. "I don't want to think about the past. I don't want to live with the scars."

Quatre came right up to Duo and paused for a bit. Duo looked fine, physically. Emotionally, that was a different story. But that would take time and patience and caring.

"Come, Duo. Come with me. You don't have to put yourself through this. We can help you." Quatre said as he reached out to clasp Duo's hand and pull him in an embrace.

"What the hell?" He exclaimed when his hand met cold, smooth glass instead of flesh. He stepped back and looked closely once again. Duo was encased in what looked like a glass coffin, making Quatre think of the fairy tale of Snow White. He came up to the coffin again and looked up at the American boy's face. Duo gave him a smile that dripped blood at the edges.

"My prison. All of my own making." Duo whispered as he placed his hand on the glass.

"What do you mean Duo?" Quatre asked as he gently touched the glass, but quickly pulled his hand away with a small cry of pain. Looking down, he saw that his hand was scored by seven cuts that were bleeding freely. (Why? Oh Why?) He saw Duo turn his head away. =I'm sorry Quatre. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Didn't mean it. Go away. Please go away. I've made my choice. I want to die. I want to be with them. I have my chance.=

"No!" Quatre cried. "No! Not yet! You can't leave us. Not until it is all finished!"

=I don't want to bleed anymore. I don't want anyone hurting me anymore. I want to be free. To be happy. I don't want to remember anything. Quatre. I care for you. I care for all of you-=

"Stop being so selfish then!" Quatre screamed, tears coming into his blue eyes.

(Trowa went through his own valley, Duo. He was used like you were. He wouldn't even let me look at him. He chased me away. He wanted to die. I wouldn't let him. I couldn't let him.)

Duo looked at Quatre, his eyes dark and miserable.

=Do you think he regrets it sometimes? Being alive with the pain when dying would have been easier? To not feel anything anymore?=

"Yes. I know he does. When he wakes early and leaves me for a day, I know he does. I know he goes and contemplates killing himself." Quatre clenched his bleeding hand tightly.

"But he always comes back to me. Always. He never tries to run away from it now."

= I don't think I can be that strong. He's something else.= Quatre shook his head.

"He's a young boy, just like you and me. He cries out in the dark. He needs to be held. He needs contact. He needs laughter and warmth. He cries. Just like you and me. He cries."

Duo's mouth twisted as he heard the soft words. =Oh Quatre. Quatre. You have such a burden already. Why would you want to take mine on as well?=

"You are not a burden, Maxwell. I love you. Trowa and W u-fei all love you in their own ways. You are life itself to Heero. He'll bleed himself dry for you. He made himself live because of you. He enjoys life because you showed him what life has to offer. Don't turn your back on that, Duo. At least remember that before you go into that void." Quatre replied, feeling drained.

The silence was deafening as Duo thought about his decision.

=I know Heero loves me. I love him. Can I wait for him to come to me? But I never waited before. Quatre's right. He would be a shell. Just like I have been. I haven't laughed in ages. The sun has no meaning for me. I feel all grey inside. The stars are shining for me. I need to see them. I have to see them. I have to see them. Just like I made Heero stop being afraid of life, I have to learn how to live again.=

Duo lifted his hand and swung his fist with all the strength that he could muster and punched the glass, making it crack into a spider-web pattern where his fist hit the glass.

Quatre gasped as the other boy punched and kicked at the glass that held him captive for all those months. The glass shattered and fell in thick chunks onto the ground, freeing Duo. He kept on breaking the cage until all that was left were small, glittering shards that looked like diamonds on the ground. He didn't want the reminder of his shell. He wanted his emotions to be free like they had always been. He wasn't afraid to live anymore.

He turned from the ruined glass and ran to Quatre, who had been watching him in a quiet, yet transfixed way as he demolished his shell. Without a preamble, he picked up the smaller boy and spun him around in circles before nearly squeezing him breathless.

"Duo?" Quatre cried as Duo kissed the top of his head before throwing his own head back and laughing. Just laughing for the sheer joy of it.

"Ah! Quatre! Quatre!" Duo exclaimed. "Thank you. Thank you."

 

"Look!" Wu-fei exclaimed, making Heero get off the window-sill and run to Duo's bed.

"Christ!" He exclaimed as he came closer to the bed and watch as Duo's eyes fluttered madly and his body jerked as he fought to wake himself up from his coma.

"Come on, Duo. Come on. Wake up. Please." Heero found himself whispering through numb lips as he watched Duo's dark indigo eyes open and stare directly at him. The American boy then ripped off the various tubes and I.V.'s and smiled at Heero, his face gaining the warmth and animation it lacked when he had been both at home and comatose.

"Has he woken up?" Trowa asked as he came up to stand beside Heero. "Oh, Good." He said as he saw the dangling tubes and I.V.'s lying on the bed.

"Has Quatre woken up then?" Wu-fei asked as he came up to Trowa.

"Yes. He sent me to see if Duo was awake." He replied as he noticed Duo's open eyes.

"Duo." Heero said in a choked voice as he came up to his lover and embraced him tightly, not caring if Duo would push him away or throw a temper tantrum. To his surprise, Duo's arms tightened around him, pulling him closer to the emaciated body.

"Welcome back, love." He whispered in Duo's ear before finally letting himself cry into Duo's shoulder. Duo silently stroked his shoulder and snuggled the Japanese boy closer to himself.

"He's come back." Trowa said as he exited the room to go back to his love.

"Yes." Wu-fei replied as he followed Trowa out, leaving Heero and Duo alone.

 

 

"Oh man, it's good to be home!" Duo cried in pure bliss as stretched out his arms and popped a couple of the vertebrae in his back at the same time. Sighing, he went back to the large bowl of chocolate ice cream that Quatre and Heero were keeping constantly full.

"Aren't you sick of that junk already, Maxwell?" Wu-fei asked as he watched the Deathscythe pilot demolish the ice cream in front of him.

"Never." Duo replied as he wagged a spoonful in Wu-fei's face. "Maybe you should try some."

Wu-fei's face turned green at the sight of the ice cream. He couldn't tolerate ice cream.

"Huh? Where did he go?" Duo asked in surprise as he was left blinking at the empty spot Wu-fei had so recently occupied. Trowa, Quatre and Heero sniggered slightly at the little scene in front of them. Duo shrugged and went back to making the ice cream disappear.

"Do you think we're spoiling him?" Trowa asked to no one in particular. Heero shook his head and Quatre only smiled at him as he snuggled closer to his lover.

"I think we may be, but I don ‘t care. I'd rather feed him all the junk he can handle and watch those aggravating films of his, while hearing him spout out a hundred words a minute than have him silent and broody." Quatre said as he watched the bliss Duo was in with the ice cream.

It had been two weeks since Duo had woken out of his coma and had been sent home. Much to the doctor's amazement, Duo had come through the experience unscathed and...whole.

Duo was no longer as clingy as he had been in the past, he let the others touch him with no complaint and laughed and joked around like he always had. The most significant signs that Duo had conquered his demons were that he had began to care for his hair again and was wearing the medal that Heero had given him so long ago.

"It's good to have him back." Trowa said softly as he let the smaller boy pull him close.

"It's good to have you back as well, Trowa." Quatre replied as he snuggled into his lover's embrace. He then raised his head and looked deep into Trowa's dark emerald eyes.

"Are you sure?" Trowa whispered, knowing full well the meaning behind Quatre's eyes.

"Why not?" Quatre asked. "Besides, the other two won't miss us." Trowa looked up and saw that Quatre was right. Heero was typing away on his lap-top, but his attention was rivetted on his chestnut haired lover. Duo was happily demolishing his ice cream and giving Heero possessive looks in return that Trowa and Quatre couldn't miss.

"Ah, I think we're going to settle in now." Quatre said as he and Trowa simultaneously rose from their chairs and headed upstairs. Heero and Duo nodded, not really paying attention.

"Told you." Quatre said as he and Trowa rushed upstairs to their room.

Trowa was last, so he closed the door. He then sat down on the desk chair and looked at Quatre.

Quatre sank down on the bed and looked at his tall, silent lover.

"You didn't just bring me up here for sex, did you Quatre?" Trowa asked softly. Quatre looked down and fiddled with the hospital bracelet he still had around his wrist.

"I know you want to ask why I did it, Trowa." He said softly. "It's only fair that you should know why." Trowa looked down at the rich carpet that covered the floor.

"I know you did it to bring Duo back for Heero's sake." Trowa said slowly.

"Yes and no. I had to do it not just for him, but for all of us." Trowa's visible eye widened.

"We're not the same, Trowa. But we make up a one. When one of us is weakened or hurt, we all suffer, not just that person. If I hadn't gone for him, he would have slipped away from us. We need him. Not just Heero. We all need him. He is our light. Just like Heero is our strength, Wu-fei our balance, you our keeper and I our heart. We all need each other. We break apart if one of the components isn't there." He looked up from the plastic bracelet he was playing with.

"I was so afraid to go after him. Especially after I had seen that Junkie in the alley and the way that Duo himself was when we found him. But I had to. All the emotions he was experiencing were causing a rift between all of us. I had to fix that rift before it became a gap that none of us could breach." Quatre explained, his eyes speaking volumes to his lover.

"Is that why you couldn't touch me after what happened to Duo?" Trowa asked, not bothering to hide the hurt and rejection that he had experienced whenever Quatre had shied away from his embraces and kisses. Quatre sighed as he rose from the bed and carefully approached Trowa.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I knew it was hurting you. But his emotions were so strong, I couldn't fight them. Even though I wanted to, I couldn't do anything against them." He whispered hoarsely as he tried to keep his tears at bay as he reached out for his lover.

"I love you Trowa. I would go through Hell and back for you. That was also why I took the chance to bring Duo back. I couldn't bear to see you falling back into your closed self again. Berating yourself, reliving your demons. I am here for you. To hold you. To help you. To love you. Please Trowa, come back to me. I need you." Quatre's hands went up to his face and he began to cry, releasing the tension and emotions that he had held in since he had returned from the hospital. His shoulders shook and his chest hurt as the sobs were torn from his throat.

He wasn't aware of collapsing until he found himself lying on his bed with Trowa looking down at him, tears in his emerald eyes as he stroked the side of Quatre's head.

"I've never left, little Cat." Trowa whispered as he slid his hand gently over Quatre's mouth.

"You're my reason and my light. You teach me how to live. You reach my heart."

 

Duo pushed the empty ice cream bowl away and looked at Heero expectantly. He knew that Heero had something on his mind by the way that the Wing pilot kept on worrying his already chewed up lips. He sighed and looked up at the timbers that crossed the ceiling of the room.

"Why did you take the heroin, Duo?" Heero's voice was quiet and flat as he spoke.

=You knew that he was going to ask you, didn't you? Answer him. He has a right to know=

There was a minute long silence between them before Duo finally spoke.

"It felt good." Heero's eyes widened at the simple response. Duo ignored him as he continued. "I had tried it once before, when I was still on L2. A kid gave me a hit. It was so surreal." Duo's eyes closed as he recalled the white-hot rush that had travelled through his veins that day.

"It made everything so beautiful. Everything seemed to glow with a deep inner light of its own." He opened his eyes and looked straight into Heero's flat blue gaze.

"I think that was the last time that L2 looked so beautiful and pure to me. Everything had an answer at that point. Everything was so clear. Nothing was bad. Everything was bathed in this sheen that made it all okay. It also made me truly happy. It made things open up inside of me. I could *feel* all around me. Nothing was hurtful or ugly." He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I was so tired of not feeling. Of not being me afterwards..." He clenched his fists as he briefly recalled the shadowy memories that his rape had become. "I was making everyone unhappy. I didn't want you guys to have my misery to deal with. I just wanted everything to be like it was before that happened. But I didn't know how to do it." He smiled weakly.

" I thought about the heroin and how it had made me feel that day, so I figured it would work if I did it again. I would just be the same as I was before."

"Oh Duo! Duo! My love!" Heero cried, his eyes bright and mirror-like as the tears that had been welling up as Duo told his story finally burst free from his iron control.

"Duo. Duo. Duo." He repeated the name as he embraced the American pilot. "Duo." He sobbed into the short, shiny mane of hair. " I nearly lost you." He whispered. Duo laughed softly, but the tears were still evident in his eyes as he stood up and sort of pushed Heero's embrace away as he gazed into the other boy's deep blue eyes. =I want to do this right. I want to prove myself to you. That I'm not afraid any longer. Of anything. = He smiled briefly before stepping back into the protective circle that Heero's arms had become for him.

"I won't do it again. I just didn't want to see you so sad." Duo whispered in return.

"I won't ever be sad again. Just stay by my side and never stray from me. Let me help you like you have helped me. Let me love you, like you love me." Heero said as he pulled away a bit and looked at the boy that he held in his arms. Duo's eyes winked up like amethysts from the tears that leaked out as he spoke. The heart-shaped face was calm and composed, no fear was evident.

<Would it be too early? Would he break if I tried it? Would it break us apart again?>

He asked himself as his lips were slowly moving closer and closer to that perfect mouth. He couldn't stop it if he had wanted to. The physical urge to claim Duo, to lick his wounds and show him how much he really cared for him was pushing him on, tearing through the barriers of self-control he had erected to protect both himself and Duo from further pain.

= So this is what it feels like. It feels velvety and smooth and warm. So different from before.=

Heero's eyes widened in surprise as Duo's lips moved against his. < He wants it?>

Duo's mouth opened slightly, and Heero took the opportunity to gently run his tongue against Duo's lower lip and teeth. In return, the American boy opened his mouth wider before letting his tongue explore Heero's own. He could taste the mints that were Heero's only indulgence and it made his mind flutter as his tongue caressed and stroked the tingly surface of the Japanese boy's tongue. He let out a soft moan that surprised Heero. <He wants more?> He asked himself as he was torn between pulling away and letting his pent-up sexual frustration have free reign with his lover. <He might be wounded deeply if I try to take this to the next level. The memories might be too much for him to handle. And I don't want his true "first time" to be awful and painful>

Duo moaned again though and pushed himself against Heero's body as if seeking to melt with the other boy's firm flesh. Heero nearly lost control as he felt Duo's hard arousal press against his thigh. < Doesn't he know what he's doing to me? How much I want him underneath me moaning and thrashing around in mindless pleasure?> He pulled out of the kiss and looked at Duo, who had his mouth slightly open and a glazed, yet unmistakeably aroused statement in his now indigo-coloured eyes.

"Do you want to go upstairs?" He asked, his voice hoarse from the arousal that was painfully pooled at the base of his abdomen. <Damn! You're driving me crazy. I want you so badly!>

Duo smiled. A slow, seductive smile that nearly made Heero spill over right then and there.

"Thought you'd never ask. Although I wouldn't mind doing it here. It seems nice enough."

Heero laughed shortly. "I don't think that Wu-fei or Trowa or Quatre would like to step over us as we writhed in passion as they fixed themselves a snack or something. Now." He cut himself short as he and Duo literally ran to their bedroom. He slammed the door shut and leaned against it as he tried to calm his raging hormones down. This would be his first night ever with Duo. He wanted it to be perfect and not some blurry, drunken memory like his first sexual experience had been. <God, I want it to be perfect for both of us>

Duo stood several feet away from him, his eyes slitted to small blue lines as he looked at Heero, who was breathing quickly through his nose as he watched Duo carefully.

"I won't break, Heero. I'm stronger than that now." Duo whispered as he slipped out of his jacket and let the garment fall on the floor. Heero's response was to swallow quickly.

"I mean it. I want to do it. I want you inside of me." Duo said as he peeled off his shirt and threw it carelessly to the side. He smiled as he caressed his chest with languorous, teasing movements that drove most of the rational thoughts out of Heero's head. Especially when Duo's long, delicate fingers toyed with the first button of his jeans. Heero made a small noise at the back of his throat as a wave of flames shot through his body at the sight .

"Do you know what you're doing to me?" He groaned as he roughly seized the American boy and began to bruise his mouth and throat with hungry, painful kisses.

"Oh. Yes. I do. That's why I keep on doing it." Duo breathed out in between the punishing kisses he was receiving.

Heero pushed him back until Duo's knees met against the bed, making both of them collapse in a sprawled tangle of limbs. Heero then reached down and caressed Duo's erection, which was straining against the fabric of his jeans, making the indigo-eyed boy give out a growl of desire and frustration at being made to wait for the fulfilment that he so urgently craved. Making that same noise again, he arched his ships against Heero's hand to ease the need. Heero pulled his hand away and claimed Duo's mouth forcefully as he then ripped off Duo's jeans and underwear.

He grabbed the other boy's hard, weepy cock and squeezed it tightly, making Duo give out a strangled moan as he writhed under the stoic Wing pilot. Heero released his lover's lips and began to lick his chin and jaw line with slow sweeps of his hot, moist tongue.

"Heero. Please." Duo begged, tears in his eyes as he lay still under the delicious torture that Heero was putting him under. Heero didn't reply. Instead, he placed two fingers in Duo's mouth and began to trace the shape of the large, kissable lips under them as he continued his onslaught.

Leaving Duo's jaw line, he traced a straight line down the Deathscythe pilot's neck and chest until he had reached his pubic area. Blowing on the heated skin once or twice to hear his lover make that impatient mewling sound, Heero bent down and licked the entire length of the rock hard organ that twitched impatiently on its bed of chestnut hair.

"Now! Now Dammit!" Duo growled as he grabbed the sheets in order to keep from taking matters into his hands to get his release. Heero complied, deep-throating his lover in one motion.

Duo clutched the sheets tighter as Heero moved up and down the length, sucking on it so tightly as he moved that it made the American boy's hips jerk from side to side as a low, wildcat yowl escaped from his throat. His back arched spasmodically as Heero speeded up the motion. His head jerked side to side as he felt the orgasm crest up from the bottom of his loins upwards like a wave of fire.

At first, it was dull heat. But as Heero went faster and tighter, it became white-hot fire that was quickly consuming every thought and emotion in his mind. It felt like he was at the edge of a cliff and anything, a small move, sight or sound was going to send him over. Soon. Soon. It came when he felt Heero's sharp white teeth graze the underside of his cock.

He exploded in a shower of semen and with a howl that would have put a cougar to shame before lying still and panting heavily on the bed, his body lax and covered in a light layer of sweat. Heero sat back on the bed and swallowed the semen, licking his lips to catch every drop of the minty flavoured essence, his eyes heavy lidded and dark as he let his eyes roam over the lithe body beside him.

He reached up and began to unbutton his shirt in swift, efficient movements while still keeping his eyes on the blitzed boy. Every move he made reminded him of how much his body cried out for release. <Soon> He reminded himself as he threw the shirt on the floor. His jeans and underwear joined it within a matter of seconds. He let out a moan as the air hit his warm flesh. He wanted Duo's flesh so bad that he could taste it, but he waited until his lover was aware enough of his surrounding to approach him.

He moved up on the bed until he was face to face with Duo, who was watching him with wide, dark purple eyes as he slowly lay down beside him. Heero reached over and kissed him gently, his lips barely touching the flesh that he had crushed before. Duo's body heated up so quickly that it felt like a fire that had suddenly flared to life. Heero smiled at his lover.

"I love you." He whispered as he reached over and caressed Duo's pink face. Duo smiled.

"I trust you, Heero." He replied as he stroked the messy nest that was Heero's hair.

Heero nodded before he kissed Duo's lips again. Withdrawing, he suddenly remembered.

Without a word, he reached past Duo and rummaged around the surface of the night-table. Closing his hand around the small tube of lube, he turned his attention back to his lover.

"I don't wanna hurt you." He whispered as he lay back beside his lover.

"You won't. Please. I want you to do it." Duo breathed as he pressed himself against Heero. Heero leaned over him and claimed his lips as he gently parted Duo's legs. Duo moaned and parted his legs wider, letting Heero have access to his entrance. Heero moved quickly and smeared copious amounts of lube on his fingers before he began to stroke the outer area of the tight ring of muscle. Duo stiffened slightly, but gradually relaxed under Heero's gentle touch.

Feeling Duo's acceptance, Heero slowly inserted one finger into the tight channel. Duo's eyes flew open at the intrusion, but his surprise was instantaneously transformed into mindless bliss when Heero found his sweet spot. He let out a low moan, encouraging Heero to place another finger inside and move it around, caressing the sweet spot even more. Duo groaned as he moved against Heero's hand.=fuck me, fuck me, fuck me now.=

Heero took the groans as a cue. Taking his fingers out, he then spread Duo's legs. He looked down at Duo and saw no pain or fear. Only naked lust that was becoming harder for the other boy to control in his heightened state. Placing his hands on Duo's hips, he slowly went in.

Although the slow movements were torture to him, he forced himself to enter slowly and gently. He paused once he was inside of Duo, afraid that he was going to spill himself at the moist tightness that clamped around his cock. He looked down at Duo and saw the smirk on his face.

"Ready?" He asked the Japanese boy on top of him. Heero nodded silently as he began to thrust into the pale flesh underneath him. He wanted to keep at that pace, but the small growls and groans coming from Duo made him throw that resolution out the window. Adjusting his speed, he began to thrust faster and harder, the sensations flooding his mind like black paint poured into water. Swirls and lights flashed behind his eyes as his body became stripped and raw. His nerves felt as if they were exposed and being barraged from all directions. The small noises that Duo kept making were driving him wild and out of his mind.

He slammed his flesh against Duo as he strained and pumped away at his frantic need to be released. The orgasm was going to spill over at any moment, and it felt like a finishing line that he needed to strain to reach his goal. He could almost taste it as he kept on going. His body was straining... straining until every single muscle in his body hurt with the effort. When he thought he had reached the limit of his endurance, it came in a shower of sparks and fireworks.

"DUO!" He yelled out, his cry mingled with Duo's hoarse yowls and the sounds of sheets being torn and shredded. He had reached it. Exhausted, he collapsed on top of Duo, who immediately wrapped his arms around him and began to stroke his hair with lazy, slow movements.

"Whoah." Duo whispered. Heero raised his head and squinted at his lover when he heard that.

"What?" Heero asked, curious. Duo looked at him and smiled.

"So that's what making love feels like." He whispered as he kissed Heero.

"How did it feel?" Heero asked. Duo smiled, his violet eyes hazy and misty as he did.

"Absolutely, magnificently, mind-blowing and I want to continue doing it again with you for the rest of my life, Heero Yuy." He reached up and stroked Heero's face. "Thank-you."

Heero smiled as he placed his hand over Duo's. "You're welcome, My love." He whispered as he dipped his head to meet Duo's lips once again.

"For the rest of our lives and forever. I promise you that, my love."

The End.

Notes: St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes. ( I should know, I pray to him every time I have exams. LOL) St. Raphael the arc-angel is the protector. I don't know if he's a patron of anything.

A soutane is the robe that priests wear. (Hence the jokes about the Pope wearing dresses)

Gabriel's eye colours are possible, I know because I saw that exact combination on two kids in my library. (And in case you say they were contacts, Why would a FIVE year old and TEN year old be wearing contacts?) It runs in some families. Don't ask me why, I don't know.

The scenes of the heroin use were based on the anecdotes told to me by...I'll call him "Johannes", a guy that I had a very *interesting* conversation with when I was at a diner when I was 15. That's a story in itself. I may post it up sometime.

The armadillo..I have one okay? And I thought it was cute. Problems?

The Shadow lands come from C.S. Lewis's "The Last Battle". He uses the term to mean death and the after life. I use it to mean the absence of consciousness, a place removed from life or death, time and reality. Not limbo, since people can leave, stay or pass through the Shadow lands.