Standard disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing. They are the property
of Bandai and the Sotsu agency. Don't sue me cause I have nothing. Not even
lint. 'Helene' Belongs to the very talented Roch Voisine. I'm just borrowing
it for my own devious purposes. This song-fic was helped along by Sony Mouse,
who gave me the lyrics to the song. It's kind of like a love letter for
the guys as well as for the Canadian Rockies.
Warnings: Some violence, some language, Sappy Heero and Duo. SEND COMMENTS! The address, as always, Saxonyten@yahoo.com. On with the show.
<> Heero's thoughts
// Song lyrics
Helene. By: Jim Morrison
Duo looked up at the cool winter night and at the northern lights that shone in the darkness. The mountains made a pretty backdrop for the hazy blues, green and reds in the sky. He shook his head and walked away from the wooden cabins' small window. It was beautiful, but it barely did anything to ease the ache in his heart. Canada was beautiful, relatively untouched by war or disaster. So different from anywhere he had been. It was the perfect refuge. But still...
"It's not the same without you" He whispered as he went to the small kitchen area. Fumbling a bit with the cider pot, he poured himself a cup single-handedly. "Heero".
//Two hundred miles from my home
a million miles from you
Livin' without you on my own
You know it's hard to do
and through the night, feelings grow
you know I need you so.//
Heero rubbed the bridge of his nose and blinked a couple of times in an effort to stay awake. He didn't know how long he had been on the road. Only that he had been driving for what seemed like ages. Following a messy, haphazard trail that had mostly led him to dead ends. He had covered most of the American Pacific northwest, figuring that it would be the most likely place for Duo to be, since he had always liked the coastline and the cool weather that was nothing like the weather on his home-colony. But his luck had been lousy. Week after week, he had met with failure. It seemed that despite the haste in which the braided pilot had left him, he had managed to plant enough false evidence to lead him astray.
"But it won't stop me." Heero whispered as he drove up to the border between the States and that Canada. "I will find you. And make you mine again." He vowed silently.
Duo went to the large, overstuffed sofa in front on the fire and curled his lithe body upon the old, soft cushions. Sighing at the comfort and warmth, he pulled a flannel blanket over his legs and watched the flames as they flickered and played in the fireplace.
Although he was enjoying the beauty and solitude, the silence was getting to him. He missed the background noise that the other pilots had provided. Trowa and Quatre playing their instruments, the swishing noise that Wu-fei's blade made as he practiced his moves...the constant clicking of Heero's fingers on his ever-present keyboard. He closed his eyes at that thought.
"Forget him." He ordered his wayward heart angrily. "He is the reason why you're here."
He tried to obey his commands, but in the silent room, his thoughts would inevitably drift back to the taciturn cobalt eyed pilot that had both stolen his heart and grievously injured it as well.
"AAARGH!" He finally exclaimed in disgust and exasperation as he opened his eyes and reached over to the side table where a small disc player resided. Not thinking about it, he simply jabbed the play button and waited. To his surprise, a soft, mellow song he hadn't heard before began to play. Sappy music wasn't really his style, but it would do to ease the loneliness.
//Lighting and thunder may appear
But you know I'm forever here
Time will never tear us apart
We'll never leave as broken-hearted
Believe in me, you know how I really feel
My love, how I want you near//
Heero sighed as the fat snowflakes began to fall onto his windshield. Great. Just what he needed. More reminders of what he had nearly destroyed.
"Duo." The name was said reverently, almost like a prayer. The violet eyes had haunted his sleep and every waking moment since he had discovered the other boy had run away from him.
"Can you forgive me if I find you?" Heero whispered to the
Northern Lights that illuminated his way. But the lights couldn't give him
the answer he needed to hear. He angrily pushed his bangs out of his face
as he looked out to the swirling snow in front of him.
# "I love you, Heero Yuy. I love you. That's why I care whether you do all those stupid stunts. You may not care whether you live or die, but I do." Duo had yelled at him, his pale face streaked with tears as he had said those words. Heero sat stunned upon the bed, the wound on his shoulder forgotten as he swallowed what the braided pilot had just revealed to him.
He couldn't believe his ears. Why would Duo love him? Didn't he know that they could die at any moment? Didn't he realize that it would be harder for all of them in the long run if they became attached to each other? Didn't he realize he was so fucken beautiful?
"No. You can't love me, Duo." Heero had replied in a dead voice as he mentally throttled that part of his brain that had slipped that last thought in.
"It's too late for that, Heero Yuy. I've loved you since the first time that I ever laid eyes on you." Duo told him in a sullen and stubborn voice that wouldn't give and inch.
Heero stood up and went to the braided boy, closing the space between them tightly.
"You have to do it. There is no room in our world for these kinds of emotions." Duo snorted.
"It's not that easy, Heero. My emotions don't turn on and off at a whim. I feel and I can never be untrue to those emotions. I know it's a mistake to love you. But my heart doesn't seem to think so. And I know my heart wouldn't lie. Not in this matter." He whispered as he drew even closer to the other boy. Heero never had time to react before those soft lips met his. He regretted it then, but as he looked back, he knew that he had always wanted for Duo to give him his first real kiss. <Oh god, I want you so.>
Duo's eyes had widened in shock and betrayal as Heero snapped his wrist with smooth and practiced movements, breaking the kiss between them.
"If you ever have these feelings towards me again, remember the pain. I can't afford to have emotions, nor can I afford for someone else to have them for me. This is the end of this." He had told Duo before walking away and not looking back.#
But he had. He should have cursed himself for it, but it didn't matter. He wanted to see the glimmer of happiness in those violet eyes. He wanted to feel that satin brush against his skin again. He wanted a second chance to claim the gift Duo was selflessly giving him.
He sighed again and looked at the radio. The silence was getting to him. He needed a distraction from his thoughts and the foreboding emotions brewing inside of him. Reaching over, he fiddled with the radio knobs until he heard a slow ballad-type song. Not his type, but it would do.
//Helen, things you do
Make me crazy about you
Helene, when we say goodbye
It always makes me cry//
Duo snuggled deeper into the couch, letting out a soft hiss of pain as he accidentally bumped his broken wrist against the soft cushions of the couch. He let the song play as he stared up at the logs that made the ceiling above his head. The flavor of the song seemed to fit his surroundings. And his emotions. Even though the singer had clearly been thinking about a woman, longing and love knows no gender. He squeezed his eyes shut as he thought about that.
"I don't want to miss you. After the way you treated me. I don't. But I still see you. In my mind." He whispered as the tears spilled over onto his pale cheeks.
"How could I love you? How could I have been such a fool to waste it on you?"
//Helene, things you do
Make me crazy about you
Helene, stay just one more night
Say you don't have to leave
Until the end of time//
"Duo" Heero whispered as he truly listened to the song lyrics on his car radio. He let his head rest on the steering wheel as he pushed his fatigue away. He was close. He didn't know how he could tell this, but the tingling on his skin told him that Duo was somewhere near.
"Say you don't have to leave." He whispered to himself as he swallowed the lump that had begun to form when the song had started and was getting bigger as the song kept on playing.
"I have to find you. My Helene" He whispered, a ghost of a smile breaking over his face as he lifted his head and began to drive again in the direction his intuition was leading him.
He kept on driving, late into the dark winter night. He should have stopped to rest, but he didn't dare. He felt an unexplainable sense of urgency spurring him on to hurry before it was too late.
"Duo, My Helene. I'm coming to you." Heero whispered to the dark night before him.
The road should have been deserted that time of year. Mid-January in the Rockies was the harshest and cruelest time of the year. For both animal and man. So it was a big surprise for Heero to find a huge buck trapped in the glare of his headlights.
"Oh shit!" He cried out as he gripped the wheel tightly and swerved to avoid killing the huge beast. The car responded too well. He had avoided killing the buck, and had managed to get himself off the road as well. The slippery highway made it impossible for him to maneuver the car back on its original path. The harder he tried, the more it seemed to him that the car was fighting against him. He frantically fought with the wheel, but the tires had locked up on him. He had no choice but to watch as the car quickly met a giant tree head on.
"Duo." Was his last thought as his forehead was smashed against the steering wheel and his thoughts faded as gracefully as the edges of the night did with the Northern Lights.
Duo was shaken out of his near-sleep by the crashing sound of a car colliding against a wall.
"A car accident?" He mused as he swung his legs onto the floor and pushed his blanket away. He had been told that it could be possible, especially in the winter months, with the road conditions being as awful as they were. He bit his lip as he debated about what to do. It was true that his cabin was close to the highway. Well, a mile away.
=Maybe I should go and look? Someone could have been hurt.= He stood up and headed to the closet and grabbed his warm winter coat. He had just zipped it up when he stopped in his tracks.
=Why should you care? You came here to be alone not to get involved with anyone again, remember?= His mind reminded him harshly.
He chewed on his lip and looked outside. The sky had lost its calm look and was now a shade of what he privately had begun to call "Gunmetal red", which meant that snow was going to fall heavily and the temperatures were going to be murder after the snow stopped. Even though he was Shinigami, he wasn't such a cold bastard that he would let someone out there freeze.
=Fuck you, sensibility. I'm going out there.= He firmly told himself as he bundled himself up and set out to offer as much aid as he possibly could.
It didn't take him long to find the car crash. If he had been a tad more paranoid, he would have guessed the person was looking for him.
=No one knows I'm here. Canada just isn't high on anyone's search lists. Even Heero's=
The thought made his lips curve into an amused smirk. He was right about that and he knew it.
But all traces of amusement were wiped from his face when he saw the ruined front of the car smashed against the tree, its' lights still on and shining drunkenly in different directions.
"Sweet Jesus!" Duo exclaimed as he rushed towards the vehicle and quickly went to the drivers' side. Wasting no time, he tugged onto the door. It wouldn't open.
"Shit!" He exclaimed before giving it a few, well-aimed kicks before trying again. This time, the door opened with a rusty groan.
"Hang on there, pal, You'll be all right." Duo assured the drivers, who was slumped over the steering wheel and groaning softly as he regained consciousness.
"What happened?" Duo froze when he heard that slightly nasal voice. =Can't be him!=
Duo pulled back a bit as he tried to sort out the swirling emotions that voice had caused.
The driver lifted his head and looked up at his rescuer. Despite the blood allover his face and the heavy winter clothing, there was no doubt about it. It was Heero Yuy. In the flesh.
Heero blinked once or twice before the recognition hit him. <Duo! I found you?>
"D-Duo? Is that you?" He asked, his voice low and raspy as he spoke.
Duo didn't move for several moments, making Heero begin to wonder if he had been foolish to presume that his long search was finally over. He was about to speak and apologize for his mistake when the other person nodded in confirmation. <Thank the fates>
"Duo, Love..." Heero tried to tell him all that the emotions and realizations he had come to the past weeks searching for him, but Duo abruptly cut him off.
"Later. How do you feel?" The violet eyed boy asked him quickly.
Heero moved around a bit and found that his legs were fine, but his left shoulder hurt like a bitch. He tried to move the arm and winced at the attempt. <Shit. A broken collarbone, probably. Oh, and concussion as well, by the way my head's pounding.> "I'm fine. Why do you ask?" Heero replied as he fought to get out of his wrecked car.
Duo smiled to himself as he saw the small winces that crossed Heero's face as he struggled out of the wreck.
=Even though he's hurt, he's still trying to be a hard ass about it. Typical.=
"Good. You see, my place is just a mile away from here. We can make it there in no time and I can get you fixed up. You need that more than anything else. " Duo then smiled briefly.
"We will talk later, okay? I promise." Heero swayed a bit as he finally made it to the solid ground and nodded wearily. <I really feel like shit. That talk may come later rather than sooner.>
They made the trek in silence. Hell, they wouldn't even look at each other except to confirm that they hadn't lost each other. When they finally reached the small cabin, Heero could have almost wept at the sight of it. He was sore, exhausted both emotionally and physically and the silence and anticipation between him and Duo weren't really helping matters at all.
"Here, Lie down on the couch and let me take off your boots." Heero gladly complied to the directions that Duo was giving him if it meant a chance to lie still and rest.
Heero groaned as Duo's hands flew over his body and removed the stiff, frozen clothes from his chilled body. He gave no resistance, except when his injured arm was snagged by his sleeve.
He let out a sharp cry that made Duo pause and stroke his face gently.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." Duo apologized before getting back to his task.
<God. He's a fuckin' angel. Apologizing to me, after I was the one that hurt him so>
Heero turned his head and gazed deeply into the violet orbs in front of him.
"Don't worry. Broken collarbones can't help but to hurt." Heero replied reassuringly.
"Either way, it still hurts." Duo answered as he shoved the coat and the rest of the heavy clothing that Heero had been wearing in front of the fireplace.
"They should be dry by the morning." Heero nodded and lay back to watch Duo go to the small kitchen area and pour out a mug of something. He quickly came back and handed him the spicy brew, which Heero accepted somewhat warily.
"Drink some of it. It'll make you feel better." Duo smiled as he saw the way Heero sniffed at his cup before taking a cautious sip.
"Apple cider. It's great in winter nights. Keeps you warm. Now." He rolled up his sleeves and bent over Heero. "This is going to hurt. So I apologize in advance, but I gotta make sure there aren't any injuries you or I might have missed." Duo said as his hands began to slowly and firmly prod and move over his half-warmed body. He didn't cry out. Only gave himself up to the wonderful touch that was roaming over his body. He sighed and closed his eyes. He really didn't have the courage to face Duo in such close perimeters yet. He was still <Fuck it, I'll admit it.> Scared. Scared that he had come all this way in vain. That Duo would reject him as callously as he had rejected him. <He should. I deserve it. But I don't want him to.>
Duo's hands were soft and yet light. Even when he touched the sore spots, it barely caused him any discomfort at all. It felt like the wind was caressing him and it reminded him of a night he had lain naked on a beach in California, trying to will the thoughts of a certain violet-eyed pilot out of his mind. So soft, so reassuring. He had to stop himself from moaning out loud as the gentle hands brushed accidentally against his groin. He stiffened slightly, but Duo's hands had moved on, making him wish he was naked like he had been on that beach. <It could have been like this, if things had been different> He told himself as Duo hands brushed over his face, making heat suffuse into cheeks and somewhere else as well.
<Agh! Shit! Of all the times to be sporting a hard-on! Christ! I hope he doesn't notice it!>
"It seems your Teflon ass is fine. Except for that broken collar bone and those cuts on your forehead, you're 100%." Duo said as he walked away from him.
Heero frowned to himself, as he opened his eyes and saw Duo walking away into another room. Even though he was as embarrassed as hell over his body's loss of control, he still felt vulnerable and lost without Duo near. <Maybe it's the concussion affecting me this way.> He shook his head. <Liar>
//Helene, things you do
Make me crazy about you
Can't you stay just one more night
Can't you stay by my side?//
Duo smiled in spite of himself as he gathered the first-aid kit from his room. Despite the early uneasiness at having Heero Yuy lying injured on his couch, he knew that he didn't want him any other place but there. He had missed the hard-assed bastard, he now realized as he walked towards the cobalt eyed boy. All those weeks of running had made the wayward love that he held for Heero Yuy grow in intensity, making it harder for him to deny it. Or to exist without him. =What is it that you do, to make me feel this way? Is it the same kind of magic that Trowa weaves over Quatre? Or that Sally gives to Wu-fei? Why did you capture my heart? You who are made out of ice? Why? Why?= He shook his head. =Maybe it's a thing that just is. But why us?=
He came back into the living room and his bitter thoughts were instantly melted away when he saw the look on Heero's face. It was an odd combination of relief, longing and fear.
=It seems you were lying to yourself. You do need me.= Duo smiled briefly as he recalled the way Heero's body had reacted to his touch. It had practically pulsated when he had just brushed it. Heero wanted him. Needed him. But did he love him as much as he did?
"Duo?" Heero asked as he pulled up the coffee table and sat down next to Heero.
"What is it?" Duo asked as he expertly opened the first-aid kit and began to rifle through it.
"I'm sorry." Duo paused and looked at the Wing pilot carefully.
"It's all right. I'll keep my distance from you. I'm not going back to you guys." Duo replied.
"No. It's not all right!" Heero exclaimed as he tried to sit up.
"No! Heero. Lie still! You're going to hurt yourself more!" Duo cried as he put a hand on the other boys' chest to keep him on the couch.
"I don't care! Physical pain pales in comparison to not having you beside me!" Duo's eyes widened at the words that had practically been spat out in their haste.
"What? What do you mean, Heero? I thought you couldn't afford to have emotions for me." He whispered through numbed lips, the first aid kit forgotten.
"Yeah, well. I found out that I was an idiot. A bigger idiot than if I had just given in and let you give me a proper first kiss." Duo's mouth fell open at this admission from Heero.
"Then you wouldn't have had to flee from me." He closed his eyes. "But you left. And I then realized how much I needed you. How much I relied on you." He opened his eyes and looked at Duo, his eyes glowing an intense, dark midnight blue as he did.
"Do you remember when Trowa was lost?" Duo nodded. Even though he had been in space, He recalled the events that had led Trowa sacrificing himself and losing his memory in the process.
"Quatre acted like he was missing a limb. Even though he tried to hide it and keep on fighting, I heard him crying at night. For Trowa. He missed him like you wouldn't believe. There are scars on his arms because he couldn't hold the pain in and he would cut himself to ease it." Heero looked down at the carpeted floor before continuing his story.
"His pain wasn't eased until Trowa came back to him." He smiled a bitter little smile.
"That's how I felt. Like my body was there, but my mind and soul were bleeding and raw as the enormity of my loss hit me full in the face. That's why I searched for you. The others didn't know. Not even Quatre. I found out I need you like I need life itself." He laughed softly.
"I guess what I'm trying to tell you that I love you, Duo. I love you." Heero closed his eyes.
Duo gasped as his hand flew to his mouth. =You love me?=
"Is it too late to say it, Duo?" Heero whispered in the silence, his voice cracking as he spoke. "Am I too late? Or do I still have a chance at a future with you?"
Duo bit his lip and his face twisted in his efforts to keep the tears back.
//Two hundred miles from my home/And so many miles from you
Livin' without you on my own
You know it's hard to do
And through the night, feelings grow.//
"No. It isn't too late." Duo whispered as his tears fell like a fine mist down his face.
"Oh God! You know I need you so." Heero's eyes opened and widened as Duo's lips met his in the first kiss of possessiveness that he had craved so long to feel.
//You know I need you so
You know I need you so//