9-25-2001

Duo's Broken Jim Morrison
Disclaimers: Don't own GW, Don't sue. The lyrics are from U2's "One".
Warnings: Blood, angst and a bit of madness.
Pairings: 1+2
Feedback: Throw all you want at me.
Archiving: You want it, take it.

 

No one really noticed when he started to change.

At first, he became a bit more quiet. A bit more withdrawn.

He was still smiling and as polite as he could be.

But the smile seemed more frozen as time went on.

He'd lock himself up in his room and play the same songs over and over as he wrote and sketched incessantly between missions.

Quatre was worried, but the others didn't think it was necessarily bad that Duo was becoming solitary.

"Maybe he needs his space." Trowa had told him.

"I don't know. I think there's something else to his behaviour." Quatre said as he watched Duo carefully sketching a wonderful, yet disturbing fairy creature.

"What could it be?" Heero had asked when Quatre had brought up the problem to him.

Quatre sighed. "I think he's building walls. To shut us out."

Heero's mouth thinned at the statement. Although he hated to admit it, Duo HAD been drawing away from all of them. Even with him.

Sure they had their special times between missions. They had gone and done all the things that Duo always had enjoyed doing. They had been as close as they could possibly be. They made love quite frequently.

But now, as he looked back, he could see that Duo had slowly been slipping away from him into his own private place.

The violet eyes were more often than not distant, and glazed over with what he had mistakenly believed was desire, but he now realized was simply disasociation.

"He's losing his humanity." Heero whispered harshly as he raised his hand to cover his face.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

//Did I ask too much?
More than a lot?
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I've got
We're one,
But we're not the same
We hurt each other
Then we do it again//

I've lost track of how many times I have played that song.

The only thing I haven't lost track of is that one verse. Keeps running through my head no matter how many other songs I listen to.

"Hilde.." I huddle under the desk in the dark room and wrap my arms even more tightly around my body.

It's been a long while since that happened between us, but it still hurts like a bitch.

<Flashback>

"Hilde? Babe? I'm going now." I told her as I flung my duffle bag over my shoulder. She just nodded and kept on reading the book she had on her lap.

I should have guessed something was wrong when she was giving me the cold shoulder. But then, sometimes I'm not the most perceptive of people.

"Duo?" She asked when my hand was on the door.

"Ya?" I turned around and faced her, expecting her to tell me to becareful and return from the wars soon or something.

"Can you find another place to live for awhile?"

"Huh? Why?" I asked. Boy, that floored me.

She fidgeted on the couch, not daring to meet my eyes.

"After all that you have told me about yourself, I-I I don't know if I can be around you for a while. I need time to think about you and me and our friendship."

"She's saying good-bye, stupid" My mind jeered at me.

"She's leaving, just like the others did, Maxwell. Damn, boy. Maybe you should take the hint already. EVERYONE LEAVES. Don't open yourself up anymore."

I found myself nodding at her request, still numb from the fell swoop she had just given me.

"Uh yeah. Sure. I'll arrange something. Bye."

I exited the living room, with her still reading her book and began walking to Deathscythe.

"Everyone fucking leaves." I whispered, feeling the tears pricking my eyes. But I can't cry.

<End Flashback>

"Why did I let her in?" I ask myself.

"Now the walls aren't even holding up anymore."

I let my head drop to my knees.

"Why the fuck do I trust them? Why don't I learn that No one wants to stay beside me when they find out the truth about me?"

I draw a shuddering breath. But I can't cry.

That's when I take out my knife and just start slashing my arms.

I don't follow a pattern. I just want blood to drip.

I figure that if I can't cry salt-water, I might as well cry with blood.

I feel the blood and I just start smearing it all over my arms and face. Sticky, but comforting.

At least Blood is always the same. A constant reminder that everything always leaves. Either life. Or me.

I don't know when they come in.

I just know that someone pries the knife from my bloody hands and another person embraces me against themselves tightly.

"You're not going to leave me, are you?" I ask.

"No Duo. I promise I'll stay." Heero tells me.

I close my eyes. Can I trust him to keep his word?

I just hope the walls I've built up around my soul are enough to keep me whole if he doesn't.

//When you're on a holiday
You can't find the words to say//

“You’re warm enough?” Heero asked as he got into the car and slammed the door shut.

I only nod. I haven’t been able to speak ever since that day He and Quatre found me huddled in my room with my arms slashed and blood all over the floor. Sally said that it was simply shock. A self-defense mechanism to protect what little of my sanity there is left.

I think she is partly right. But I think it’s just my way of cutting myself off further from people. Even Heero.

I know that he loves me. That he is doing this because he wants to help me. But I don’t know if that is possible. Right now, I’m numb. I can’t really feel anything.

The detachment feels so much better than the emotion that I cradle it almost like a talisman to my battered heart.

“Duo…” I turn my head to look at Heero. His head is lowered and he is looking down at his lap. I can’t really see his expression.

“Don’t leave.” I blink. I don’t understand what he means.

//All the things that come to you
And I wanna feel it too//

I know that Duo doesn’t understand why I just said that. I don’t know if he ever will. I hope that he does, in time. It doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow, or the next week. It could take the rest of our lives for him to go back to normal. I don’t care.

Maybe I’m selfish in wanting him to be the same Duo that he has always been.

I won’t know for sure. All I know is that my life and the lives of the others have become a grayer place with Duo’s warmth locked up. I want that cheerfulness back. I want the warmth to come. I want to tell him and let him know that he can love me with as much intensity as he can muster.

I want him to believe that I’ll never leave him intentionally. I want him to realize that I love him. All of him.

//On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun//

It’s been a couple of days now that we have been in this cabin, isolated and dependent on each other. There’s a slight change in him. He doesn’t sit alone in his room. He actually comes out and sits in the small living room with me.

Although he is solitary in his activities, He is sitting beside me. I think, for now, that’s all that matters.

I take it as a good sign that he is slowly glueing the pieces of himself together behind the stone fortress that he is hiding behind.

//And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain//

As I watch him, with his head bent over his sketchbook, I wonder whether his fortress has a door being built into it just yet.

//When you're on a golden sea
You don't need no memory//

His screams wake me up. I rush over to his room and find him huddled in a corner, with his hair clutched in his hands and his entire body shaking.

I slowly come forward, telling him that he’ll be fine. That I’m here and not going anywhere.

He doesn’t react. Just keeps on shaking in his corner until I wrap my arms around him and let him cling to me as I stroke his hair until he falls asleep again.

His memories have been getting the worst of him lately. His dreams, I can only assume, are a nightmare dreamscape that doesn’t seem like it wants to let him go.

“I’m here.” I tell him, as I push away the sweat-dampened hair away from his face.

“You’re safe here. Just you and me.” I tell him over and over again.

Will he ever find his peace?

//Just a place to call your own
As we drift into the zone//

He has come to me, his hairbrush in his hand and his hair loose about his shoulders.

His skin is still moist from the shower, and there are droplets running down his bare chest and soaking into the track-pants that he has hastily thrown on.

My thoughts at that moment, I hate to admit, are somewhat on the carnal side of things.

But they are quickly put away when he places the brush in my hand and sits down in front of me, the curtain of hair towards me.

//On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun//

I think Duo is the only person that I know that can actually purr. I swear that he is doing that right now as I brush out his hair.

Not that I mind, or anything. I actually enjoy seeing him so content. Not to mention the fact that It is so natural…A reflex that makes up his personality.

An aspect of him that I now realize that I missed when it was suppressed.

//And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain//

I can’t help it. I put the brush down and bury my face into the fragrant silk that is Duo’s hair. His only treasure and his only pride.

I feel him stiffen slightly, and I pull away. I may have overstepped the fragile bounds that he has imposed upon himself and us.

“I’m sorry.” I tell him, pulling away quickly.

“Why? It’s fine.” His voice sounds a little rusty, like it has suffered from its bondage.

“Duo?” I ask. I still wasn’t sure that I was hearing properly.

After almost a month of silence, hearing his musical voice is a relief.

Yeah. I know. I usually complain that he talks too much.

He turns around. His eyes are a dark violet, almost indigo in his pale face.

//We'll run away together
We'll spend some time forever
We'll never feel bad anymore//

“You ran away with me.” He whispers, his fingers entwining themselves in his hair as he speaks. I nod. His statement confuses me.

“You’re not going to leave me alone?” His voice nearly makes my heart break.

In it, at that moment, I can almost see the ragged urchin that he was, sitting in the street, clutching the hand of another little boy who has long died.

I can also see the little boy, his hair in a braid, his clothes black, kneeling in the smoking rubble of a church that used to be his home.

I can see the teen-ager that huddled, miserable and cold, wiping the blood from his mouth as the latest animal took advantage of his beauty and his youth.

//On an island in the sun
We'll be playing and having fun//

“No. Never.” I tell him, needing to hold him as much for my own comfort and his.

“I love you too much” I tell him. Now I’m the one clinging to him for dear life.

My body’s shaking. Shit. I can’t cry for him. Not now. I need to be strong for him.

“I’ll never leave you.” I tell him, trying to keep my voice calm as the emotions threaten to spill over.

//And it makes me feel so fine
I can't control my brain//

“Heero…I want to tell you..” He draws a shuddering breath. “Why I shut down.”

He sniffled a bit. “I told Hilde. About me. The entire truth. And..And…”

“You don’t have to say anything.” I whisper, smoothing his hair back from his face.

“She was just like the others.” He finally finished. “She just left.”

“I won’t be like them.” I tell him.

“I’ll stay. Always.” I whisper fiercely.

//We'll run away together
We'll spend some time forever//

“You don’t have to shut me out, Duo. You never have to worry about showing me who you really are. I know and I won’t leave.”

I tell him as he lays his head on my chest and begins to finally cry after all those years.

“We'll never feel bad anymore
We'll never feel bad anymore
No no
We'll never feel bad anymore
No no
No no
No no"

I don’t know why I think of that to say to him, but it is true, I find, after my tears begin to mix with his.

I don’t know if he’s truly healed. I may never know.

All I know is that he doesn’t need to fear me not coming back for him.

‘Cause I’ll always find my way back.