5-29-2001

My friend told me a couple jokes and I figured they would be stuff that Duo
would tell to the other pilots. That's the reason for this. Oh, and the fact
that I was utterly bored in Art History.
Duo tells jokes By Jim Morrison.
Warnings: Adult humor, insinuations, nothing's sacred.
Pairings: implied only.
Archiving: You want it, take it.

 

-Duo bounced into the living room with a huge grin on his face that the other four pilots had learned to fear. They did their best to hide their impending sense of doom and waited patiently for Duo to drop his bomb and get it over and done with.

"Hey, you guys, wanna hear some jokes?" He asked as he played with his braid and took a sip of milk from the glass he had in his hand.

Trowa buried himself into his newspaper. Heero kept on typing. Wu-fei buried his nose deeper into the Kama Sutra. Quatre smiled.

"Sure, Duo, go ahead. I haven't heard any good jokes lately. Ouch! Trowa!" Quatre exclaimed as he rubbed his shin and glared at his lover, who was shaking his head behind his newspaper.

Duo's grin grew even wider and Heero cringed slightly in anticipation. He didn't know where the American found his jokes, but he fervently wished he knew so he could blast them to kingdom come. It wasn't that they were bad. It was that after he would hear them, he wouldn't be able to look at the world in a normal way for at least a week. Quatre would giggle incessantly and Trowa would look shell-shocked while Wu-fei would be pissed. So he really didn't look forward to Duo starting his joke-telling fest.

"Okay. Well, there was this guy, Mr. Robert, and he ran a company that wasn't doing so well. As he was looking over his accounts, he saw that he would have to fire an employee to be financially safe. After much thinking, he decided to either fire Jack or Jill. But when he looked at their records, he really couldn't make up his mind because their performance was about the same."

Heero had stopped typing and was listening with some interest. This one didn't seem so bad, he thought to himself gratefully.

"So what Roberts decides to do is wait until the next workday to find an excuse to fire them. So the next day, he says to himself: "Whoever shows up late, I'll fire them." But Jack and Jill both show up ten minutes early. So he then says to himself: "Whoever comes late from lunch, I'll fire them." But Jack and Jill both eat their lunch at their desks and take only fifteen minutes for it. So then he says to himself: "Whoever doesn't finish their reports by quitting time, I'll fire them." But both Jack and Jill finish their reports early. When Quitting time rolls around, Jack leaves early, so Mr. Robert goes to Jill and decides to talk to her about his problem. She asks what's wrong and Mr. Roberts says to her: "Well, the thing is, I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill sighs impatiently and looks at her watch. "Well, hurry up and make up your mind, I gotta catch a bus." Silence. Quatre looked perplexed and Heero was groaning inwardly while Wu-fei was busy studying his book. Trowa's head had ducked behind his newspaper and the paper was shaking.

Duo frowned and scratched at his head. "Okay, how bout another one?" He thought for a moment before an evil smile curved his lips. he took a drink of milk and nearly choked as he started snickering to himself.

"Oh, I've got a good one!" Heero groaned softly. Oh brother.

"okay, well, Paddy and Mary Malone are sitting in the kitchen and Paddy looks really depressed. Mary notices this.

"Aye Paddy, why're ye so sad?" Duo asked in a flawless brogue.

"Oh, Mairi. It's just that I want something so badly."

"What is it that you want, Paddy? You can tell me."

"Well, it's just that after thirty years of marriage, after all thsoe children you've given me, the only thing I want is a really good blow-job."

"Oh Paddy! I canna give ye that!"

"Oh Mairi! Please? It's the only thing I be wanting! I swear Mairi, if you give it to me, I'd die a happy man."

"So Mary thinks for a minute before she finally replies."

"Alright, Paddy. Because you've been such a good husband to me, I'll do it." So she gets down on her knees, takes out her teeth and starts giving it to him. Apparently, it's like the most awesome, best blow-job that Paddy has ever received in his life. So when it's over, he decides to ask his wife if she'd like something in return."

"Oh, MAiri! That's the best blow-job I've ever gotten in my life! Is there something I can do to thank you for it? So then Mary looks up and-" At this point, Duo took a huge gulp of milk before saying the punch line.

"Kiss me." Dead Silence. Duo sighed as he wiped his mouth.

"I swear, you guys are a hard crowd to work." He huffed before he left the room.

He had been gone for only two minutes before Trowa practically howled in sheer amusement, startling Heero and Wu-fei. Quatre's face was pink from suppresed laughter while Wu-fei was smiling slightly.

Heero rolled his eyes and resumed his typing. But even he couldn't keep his lips from twitching at the joke.

But one thing was for certain: He'd stay away from milk for awhile. At least until the connotation with semen faded from his memory.

 

The 2nd joke was from "Good Will Hunting", and I figured it would be the kind of joke that Duo would find amusing at his age.

Comments? Feedback? Flames? Damnations? Death threats? You know the address.