5-5-2000

Here's all my technical stuff, I don't own the GW-boys, dont' own Jerry Springer (thank god) and I definetly don't own the cheesay daytime music. Since it's Jerry Springer we can safetly say this fic is gonna be somewhat humerous..hopefully..onegai? ^-^ PS: Yaoi typish, plus some serious OCCness. Beware and enjoy!
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"Gundam Pilots and the People who Boinked Them"
By: JessChan
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**Cheesy daytime TV music**

A middle aged man walks across the room, carrying a large microphone and a bundle of blue cards. He smiled widely at the camera and reads from his cards. With another cheesy, slimy grin he begins.

"Ever been with someone and never told them some of your deepest darkest secrets? Well on today's show we have such people, a bunch of young rouges looking for a good time, only leaving themselves in a mess so high, they can't climb out. Let's meet our first guest shall we? He's a Gundam Pilot from colony L2, let's give a big hand for Duo Maxwell!"

*applause as Duo, clad in a beautiful, black vinyl, diamond studded catsuit, parades out onto the stage, whirling his long braid in his hand blowing kisses to the boys in the audience*

Jerry: "Welcome to the show Mr. Maxwell."
Duo: "Oh please Jerry, just call me Duo." *wink*
Jerry: *slight embarrassed giggle* "So Duo, tell us why you are here today?"
Duo: *frowns to self* "Well Jerry, it's my boyfriend Heero..I've been keeping a horrible secret from him for a very long time."
Jerry: "Ah ha..and would you like to share with us a little bit of info about this boyfriend of yours before you tell him your little secret?"
Duo: *wide grin* "Sure! Heero is one sexy <beep>, I mean he can <beep> like noone's business! And when he touches you with those hands, mmmmm baby, good enought to make you cream yourself!"
Audience: *silent*
Jerry: *blank stare* Uhhhhh yeah..so *ahem* Duo, tell us..what is this secret you have been keeping from him?"
Duo: *shifts uncomfortably in chair, throwing his hair back wildly* Well.. ya see..well..I'm a woman. *tear*
Audience: *GASP*
Jerry: *blink*
Duo: *starts bawling* I don't know why I should have to hide it from him! I mean if he truely loved me he would love the female me instead of this horrid man I've turned myself into! *sob*
Audience: *All together* "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW."
Duo: *takes tissue from Steve, the big stage director/bodyguard* Oh, thank you kind sir. I just don't know Jerry, I can't keep this secret from him any longer! *wails*
Jerry: "Well Duo, I don't think you'll have to keep it much longer, audience are you ready to meet Mr. Heero Yuy?"
Audicen: "YEAH!!!"
Jerry: *points* "Alright! Here he is Mr. Heero Yuy!"

*Heero walks out with a frown plastered on his face, his eyebrows inverted forward and his fists balled up tightly. He takes one look at Duo and smiles softly to himself as the braided pilot jumps up from her/his seat and tackles the spandex clad boy, sticking her tounge deep inside his throat. His arms encircle the boy/girl and he eargly kisses back, running his hands all along that wonderful skin tight vinyl.*

Jerry: *sweatdrops*
Audience: *cat calls and obscene hand motions*

*Heero and Duo finally take their seats, their hands intertwined tightly, both with a faint blush spilled across their cheeks.*

Jerry: "Welcome to the show Mr. Yuy."
Heero: *nods*
Jerry: "So it seems you and Duo have a pretty close relationship?"
Heero: *blushes softly and nods again*
Jerry: "Well Heero, I think there is something Duo would like to say to you.." *nods to Duo*
Duo: *gets down on one knee, a frown upon his lips* Heero...my sweet koibito..there is something I've been keeping from you..
Heero: Hn?
Duo: *studdering* "Heero..geez..I don't know how your going to take this..but in all reality..I'm..I'm actually..a..a..woman."
Audience: *GASP*
Jerry: *waits*
Heero: *eyes narrow, retracts his hand from Duo's* OMAE O KOROSU!!!!!!! *lunges at Duo*
Duo: EEK!!!!!!!!!! *runs across the stage*
Heero: DUO YOU <BEEEEEEEEEEEP...BEEEEEEEEEP..BEEP..BEEP..BEEEEEEEP>
Duo: Heero! ACK! *gets stopped by Jerry Springer Security* GOMEN!!!
Heero: *struggling relentlessly against ten guys to get at Duo* OMAE O KOROSU...OMAE O KOROSU...OMAE O KOROSU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *evil Yuy glare*
Jerry: "Now Heero...Duo..PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS!!
Duo: *sweatdrops and takes her seat again, half way across the stage from
Heero* "You didn't take it as well as I thought you would have.."
Heero: *GROWLS and unwillingly takes a seat, surrounded by three security officers*
Duo: "Oh Heero it's not all that bad..I mean come on..you didn't even notice."
Heero: *GLARE*
Duo: "Eeps..well I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you the other secret."

Audience: *GASP*
Heero: *glares at Jerry and the audience, who automatically shut up*
Duo: *sighs* HEERO..I've been..sleeping with Wufei!!
Audience: *BLINKS*
Jerry: "Shall we bring him out?!"
Heero: "NANI?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?"
Audience: "YAY, bring out Wufei!"
Duo: *exhausted smile*
Jerry: *Points* "Here he is, Mr. Wufei Chang!"

*Wufei parades out proudly, dressed in his usual white button up shirt and pants. His hair still kept in it's neat pony tail as he makes his way across the stage, Duo stands to meet him and the chinese pilot takes the braided one in his arms and lays a kiss across her lips. Heero's eyes widen and he charges at the two. Wufei turns to confront Heero and catches his shoulders, Heero kicks at his enemy, screaming obsceneties and threats. Duo quietly retreats to his seat.*

Jerry: "WUFEI! HEERO! THAT'S ENOUGH! SIT DOWN!
Wufei: *takes his seat next to Duo, intertwining their fingers*
Heero: *being dragged back to his seat and held down* "You little slut bag whore I ought to <beep>ing kill you! Wufei you little monkey <beep>, what you couldn't get your mother off?!"
Wufei: *glares*
Duo: *squeezes Wufei's hand and shakes her head* "Don't listen to him
honey, he's just jealous."
Heero: "Jealous?! I'm not <beep>ing jealous!"
Jerry: "Okay..eveyone needs to settle down, especially you Heero. I don't want to have to escort you off the stage."
Heero: *grumbles* "Omae o Korosu."
Jerry: "You like to say that don't you?"
Heero: *extends his middle finger*
Jerry: "And Heero what are your comments on Wufei and Duo's secret love?"
Heero: <BEEEEEEEEEEEEP...BEEEEEEEPPPPP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP>
Jerry: "I see you feel very strongly about this.."
Duo: *sheepish grin and swings feet in an embarrassed manner* Oh Heero..I do have something else I need to tell both you and Wufei..

Wufei & Heero: "NANI?!"
Jerry: "Oh yes, Duo is full of surprises today!"
Duo: "I just want the two of you to know that I care about you very much but..I'm..I'm having Trowa's baby."
Heero: *sweatdrops*
Wufei: "WHAT THE <beep> DID YOU JUST <Beep>ing say?!!!"
Jerry: "And here he is folks, Mr. Trowa Barton!"

*Trowa slowly emerges from the back, clad in a tight red turtle neck and a nice pair of black leather pants. His hair is in it's usual streaking forward style and his green eyes are calm and collect. He silently crosses the stage, unaware of his pending danger as Wufei dashes after him with a large chair. Heero on the other hand intecepts Wufei smacking him back with his chair, Trowa casually avoids the two who have now gone into chair battle mode with one another and calmly sits himself next to Duo. He kisses her lightly on the cheek.*

Jerry: "Welcome Trowa, Duo..I see you are quite the popular lady.."
Duo: *nods sheepisly with a small faint blush as Heero and Wufei are seperated, Heero being strapped into his chair*
Heero & Wufei: <Beep beep beep beeeeeeeeep beep beep beeeeep>
Duo: "Boys you two better be nice, you wouldn't want me to wash your mouth's out with soap would you now?"
Trowa: "..."
Duo: *rubbing her tummy* "Yep I'm excited arn't you honey?!" *Kisses Trowa on the cheek lovingly and waves to the very angry Heero and Wufei."
Jerry: "Well Duo let's not forget that your not the only one here with a secret.."
Duo: "Huh?!"
Jerry: "Say audience, arn't you curious as to what Trowa has to say?"
Audience: *screams*
Jerry: "I thought so..so Mr. Barton, would you please tell Duo what your special news is?"
Trowa: "I'm in love with the mailman..Quatre."
Duo: "YOU MEAN THAT DIRTY TRAMP MAILSLUT RICH BOY WHO ONLY WORKS CAUSE HIS ALLOWENCE RAN OUT?!?!"
Trowa: "..."
Duo: *stands up, throwing her hands about, squealing at the top of her lungs* "Trowa you dirty piece of man flesh! That's the last time I sit on your face! What the hell do you think your doing with that poor excuse of a man, after you put your dirty seed into me and made me pregnant with a child who will probably have a Don King hairstyle!" *waps Trowa across the face*
Trowa: "..."
Duo: "SAY SOMETHING YOU DIRTY PIG!"
Trowa: "I plea the fifth."
Jerry: "WHO WANTS TO MEET THIS MAILMAN!?"
Audience: *cheers and applauses*
Duo: "The dirty two cent communist whore is here?! BRING IT ON BLONDIE!!"
Jerry: "Here he is..Quatre..Winnnnnneeeer!"

*Quatre emerges from backstage, his pink midriff showing off his perfect stomach, a pair of daisy dukes accented his ass perfectly as he blew a bubble with his cherry flavored bubble gum. A smile spread across his face, making him seem even more feminine and his blue eyes sparkling bright as he took a seat in his lover's lap, mixing their mouths together. He turned his position to be straddling across his lovers lap, his arms wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer.*

Audience: *WHISTLES*
Jerry: "Hey you two! National television!!
Duo: *angry glare* "YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE <beep> WHAT THE <BEEP> DO YOU THINK YOUR <BEEP-ING> DOING?!"
Quatre: "Oh your here..your yesterday's news hunny! I'm Trowa's boy toy now!"
Duo: "I'm a female you douche bag!" *pushes Trowa and Quatre's chair over, causing them to tumble across the stage*
Quatre: *jumps up with an angry pout*
Duo: "OH THE POOR LITTLE SLUT! Did he fall down and hurt his little knees..OH WAIT he's probably on them so damn much he's got them used to such rough terrain!"
Jerry: "EVERYONE PLEASE!"
Audience: *chanting* JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY!!!!
Jerry: "I'm not even doing anything!"
Duo: *tackles Quatre, wrapping his hands around his small neck" "TROWA'S MY MAN!!!!!!"
Quatre: *cough* <beep> YOU!!!!!
Duo & Quatre: *struggling relentlessly against one another*

*Meanwhile..on the other side of the stage, Heero and Wufei are busy getting it on behind the chairs, making all sorts of noises and clothes are flying everywhere. Trowa sullenly stands there. Quatre and Duo contiune to roll across the stage strangling, pulling hair, scratching, biting..everything they could think of*

Jerry: *sighs and sits down in his little chair* Now ladies and gentleman, now for my final thought. You don't have to be a beautiful braided pilot to have many lovers and many secrets, just look at Heero. All you have to do is be yourself and if you wanna <beep> that many people, then have your way with them. I hope you have all learned a valuable lesson from these five today and pray to god they don't kill each other. Thank you and have a good evening."

*fin*
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