disclaimer: the boys aren't mine. i just play with them for my own entertainment. this shouldn't come as any big surprise.
title: the darkness
author: jana
rating: R
archive: shinigami&wing http://www.1X2X1.org
warnings: yaoi, AU, POV, citrus, sap, odd
spoliers: no
pairings: 1X2X1, ?X?
notes: this came to me after a long chat with KM last night.

// thoughts //



the darkness
by jana


it's 2 a.m.

i've been driving all night.

// it's been weeks. three of them...21 long days //

my foot grows heavy of its own accord and the accelerator hits the floor. 60... 70... 75

my two hands tightly grip the wheel; knuckles turning white.

i roll down the windows; a blast of icy air fills the car.

i take a deep breath.

// one more hour //

i pull off the thruway.. to relieve myself, to splash my face; to replace the lost caffiene......

i merge onto the empty road again... mesmerized by endless white lines, aluminum lamp posts; sheer boredom.

i turn on the radio; the bass sending a vibration through me by way of my calf.

i turn it up.

// exit 21 //

i ease off the gas and exit... breaking at the light and closing my

// so tired //

i lapse into auto-pilot.

a journey of familiarity... i relax back into the seat.

my left hand drifts down off the wheel.

// so close //

i signal right and drive for another mile or so, pulling into the long driveway; exiting the vehicle and taking the key from under the mat.

i enter quietly through the side door, making my way in the dark.

// almost home //

i strip as i climb the stairs; leaving a trail of sweat dampened clothes in my wake; arriving naked but for my socks and shoes outside the bathroom door.

the water warms as i finish my undress, pinning my hair up and stepping into the stall.

a quick rinse; the warm water a welcome relief. i don't relish in it for long; aroused by the time i turned off the water.

i towel myself dry as i make my way down the hall; pausing outside thepartially open bedroom door.

i gasp and hold that breath as i enter..

the room is filled with moonlights shadow... and he is there..... sprawled out across the bed and naked despite the airs chill.

i lose control.

dammit.. i always lose control.

// you can do this.... just one more time.... //

it's always just one more time.

i take those five steps that bring me to his side; seating myself on the
bed and looking down at him

there is a sudden swell in my chest; my heart aches... how did i come to be here?

// it doesn't matter //

i reach out to run the back of my hand down the side of his face; shushing softly as i startle him from sleep.

"it's just me..."

and then it begins.....

i cannot see his eyes on me, but i know that they are; they burn.. as does his touch.

"i've missed you....." it's so simple, but it's the only truth i'll admit to.


there is always silence; i expect nothing else; never disappointed

and then he is in my arms, tightly wrapped muscles and warm soft flesh.

i can barely hold myself back; needing what i've been too long denied.

" i want you....."

it's barely a whisper and need not be said; i say it anyway... and he answers with no words and without question.

this is my one slice of heaven; i easily recognize it having served my time in hell.

i will never grow weary of feeling the heat his body beneath me nor mine beneath his.

our joining is hard and fast, but not without passion; not without me giving him everything that i am and taking all that he offers of himself in return.

// i would surely die without this //

there are no moans; no screams; no declarations of love... just silent cries as he accepts my release.

and then he is in my arms again; and we shudder together in that embrace.

i bring my hand to my mouth; there are words there.. on the tip of my tongue, but they will never leave; i pull him closer instead.

i touch my lips to his forehead; my eyes close despite the darkness.

i never wonder why it hurts so much, but i still cry; i'll be gone by daybreak.

// ...always just out of reach //

it never gets any easier for me; i'm not sure how it affects him.

i roll over and set the alarm for 5 a.m.; welcoming him back into my arms.

silence; it breeds thought.

i shiver.


i can feel the weight of his stare as his eyes turn on me; i can't bring myself to meet them.

"stay with me.."

i turn toward him; barely able to make out the sharp angles of his face in the darkness.

"leave her.... " he whispers.".... stay with me."

his eyes are glistening.

i reach down and take his hand, squeezing it tightly and nodding my response; unable to manage anything further..

his eyes turned back up to gaze at the ceiling.

deafening silence.

i worry on my lower lip.

i didn't tell him i had already done so.... its been almost a year now; it happened after our first night together.

those memories danced behind my eyelids.

i couldn't bring myself to share a bed with her after that; not after the passion he and i had uncovered.

i would tell him... tomorrow though.

// tomorrow //

i closed my eyes.

tomorrow was enough.