-Title: Its Not That Bad
-Author: Kitto Neko
-Show: Gundam Wing
-Disclaimer: I dont own these characters and Im *certainly* not makin any money off of this. If you wanna sue me, go ahead, but you wont get much besides wasted time.
-Archive: Soon to be hosted on www.angelfire.com/gundam/darker_dayz when I update!
-Rating: NC-17 for cyber sex
-Warnings: cyber sex, lime, masturbation, mild occness
-Pairings: Heero x Duo
-Notes: This was started by my bestfriend Tenshi-chan, but I kinda... took it over... -_-* There are some FY characters in here, but they dont have any major parts. I think they were supposed too, but.... aheh, aheh.... Kinda lost that idea.
-Feedback: Yes pleeeeeeeease! I dont care if its bad, I dont care what you throw (preferably chocolate), but I want to know what ppl think.
-On with the fic!
Duo logged unto the internet, hoping to chat it up with Heero, this super yummy guy who looked like hot sex on toast who was in a few of his classes this semester and Duo was totally crushing on him lately.
But, unfortunately, Heero had been absent today, and Duo really wanted to find out where he was.
Alas, Heero <<<aka: zero678>>> was not on AOL Instant Messenger.
Duos heart fell, when suddenly, a message popped up.
Perfect_Soilder_01: Hey there, Duo!
Duo stared at the monitor. Heero never used explanation points. But this could defiantly be one of his screen names.
Shingami_Maxwell: Er...is this Heero?
Perfect_Soilder_01: Duh. Who else would it be?
Shingami_Maxwell: Um...so...Heero.... Where were you all day? and y did u change ur screen name?
Perfect_Soilder_01: Waiting for you, sexy
Perfect_Soilder_01: I got sick of my old one
Duos practically fainted. Sexy? Heero called him sexy?! Were his dreams FINALLY coming true?
Shingami_Maxwell: So Herro...I....
Perfect_Soilder_01: do u wanna cyber?
Duos eyes fell out of his head as he read this simple sentence.
Perfect_Soilder_01: cmon, Duo-babee Lets cyber! Pretty please?
Why was he refusing? It wasnt real sex, but this at
least meant Heero found him attractive enough to jack off to. Why not? What
harm could it
Shingami_Maxwell: ok r u sure?
Perfect_Soilder_01: Ive never been so sure about anything
Tasuki giggled as Duos reply to Ive never been so sure about anything popped up.
Shingami_Maxwell: really? cuz I really want to....
He typed back.
Perfect_Soilder_01: of course I wanna. ur so hot im hard just thinking about wut I wanna do to u
Shingami_Maxwell: ^_^ really? ::blushes:: well I mean ur like hot sex on toast, Heero! you rock my face hardcore and ive wanted you 4ever
Tasuki laughed outrageously.
What did he type? Wufei asked anxiously as he returned from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn and two sodas.
He said that Heero was like hot sex on toast! Isnt that cuuuuute?
Wufei rolled his eyes as Tasuki took a handful of popcorn.
Blech, Wufei! Tasuki cried, picking up another handful and throwing it at him. Is this that all natural crap?
Wufei frowned. Its healthy this way.
I dont care! Get your ass back in the kitchen and salt and butter this properly.
Okay, Wufei sighed, then trooped back to the kitchen, muttering under his breath.
And these better not be diet sodas, either! Tasuki called after him.
Then he turned back to the computer and resumed his role as Heero.
Perfect_Soilder_01: so, r u ready?
Shingami_Maxwell: ive been waiting! ^_^
Duo giggled nervously. He couldnt believe this was actually happening!
He popped a CD into his drive with different songs about sex that he had originally burned for his best friend, Tasuki, but he had kept a copy of it for himself.
Shingami_Maxwell: r u listening to any music
Perfect_Soilder_01: nope, u?
Shingami_Maxwell: yea a mix cd of sex songs I burned for my best
friend. u know Tasuki, right?
Perfect_Soilder_01: is he that redhead I always see u hanging out with around campus?
Shingami_Maxwell: yup! hes my best friend in the **whole** world. weve been best friends forever and I hope it stays that way! hed never betray me or anything like that. Id trust him with my life.
Tasuki read the message that had popped up on the screen and flinched.
Ouch, he muttered as Wufei returned with the now heavily buttered popcorn.
Look what he just wrote.
Wufei read it quickly to himself.
So?! Wufei.... Im his best friend! I cant do this to him.
Aw, cmon. If hes your best friend, hell just laugh it off in the morning.
Tasuki thought silently for a moment.
Well, I guess....
Wufei nodded, urging him.
Well, were in to far to back out now.
Perfect_Soilder_01: so, do u wanna pick the setting?
Duo thought for a moment. Where was somewhere romantic...?
Shingami_Maxwell: how about the beach?
Perfect_Soilder_01: whatever *you* want
Perfect_Soilder_01: what r u wearing?
Shingami_Maxwell: hmmm....im naked!
Perfect_Soilder_01: that sounds good. we can go skinny-dipping in the ocean
Shingami_Maxwell: okay ::grabs ur hand and pulls you into the water::
Perfect_Soilder_01: <splashes u playfully> is the water too cold for u, Duo-chan?
Shingami_Maxwell: a bit, yes. ::snuggles up against ur chest:: but ur warm
Perfect_Soilder_01: <tugs gently on ur braid so ur looking up @ me> Duo-chan?
Shingami_Maxwell: yes, Heero-kun?
Perfect_Soilder_01: did ne1 ever tell u how beautiful u r?
Perfect_Soilder_01: oh...Duo-chan.... <reaches up and gingerly touches ur face> so beautiful, so soft....
Perfect_Soilder_01: shh.... <leans down and places a tender kiss on ur lips>
Shingami_Maxwell: ::wraps arms around ur neck and pulls u deeper into the kiss::
Perfect_Soilder_01: <slips tongue into mouth, slowly exploring lips>
Shingami_Maxwell: ::meets tongue and presses against it::
Shingami_Maxwell: ::breaks away::
Shingami_Maxwell: ::licks at ur neck, sucking on ur skin running hands through ur hair::
This is a bit hard Wufei, Tasuki told him.
Yeah, me too.
Tasuki looked at him strange. Youre not typing Wu-chan.
Wufei blushed lightly. Never mind. I thought you were talking about something else.
I dont think that we should be doing this.... I dont think I can write this.
Cant be that hard. Just think about what you want to do to me.
Tasuki looked up at him even stranger. What? Punch you for getting me involved in this shit?
Perfect_Soilder_01: Duo.. <pulls u in closer to chest, gently grinding against u.>
Shingami_Maxwell: ::gasp:: Heero... ::wimpers::
Shingami_Maxwell: ::slowly traces hands against chest, moving upward, pressing lightly, licking up::
Shingami_Maxwell: ::traces nipple with tongue::
Perfect_Soilder_01: <unbinds hair> <runs hand thru hair>
Perfect_Soilder_01: <pushes u down into the shallow water>
Shingami_Maxwell: ::shivers:: ::pulls u down ontop of body:: Heero... I...I cant believe
Perfect_Soilder_01: <kisses ur lips lightly>
Shingami_Maxwell: ::kisses back::
Slowly Duo unzippered his pants as he sunk into the idea of Heero touching his body and kissing him so tenderly....
Shingami_Maxwell: ::thrusts up against u::
Shingami_Maxwell: Heero! ::kisses u hungrly::
Perfect_Soilder_01: <breaks kiss> <slids lips down against ur body>
Shingami_Maxwell: claws lighty at bac i need you1
Wufei, I think hes really getting off on this....
Wufei laughed. This is great!
Tasuki had his doubts on how great this truly was...
Perfect_Soilder_01: <kisses ur erection with feather-light lips>
Shingami_Maxwell: :::scarems pullsa at your ahri and wrapps legs around yoaur waist
Shingami_Maxwell: thrusts into ur mouth i want you do you
Tasuki paused again. It was becoming hard to decipher what it was Duo was trying to say.
Tasuki was afraid to think of the possibilities as to why it was becoming harder to decipher what Duo was trying to say.
Perfect_Soilder_01: Ive always wanted you Duo. Of course I want u.
Tasuki typed back the reply with growing guilt.
Shingami_Maxwell: oh god realease...
Perfect_Soilder_01: <licks at u> <whispers> My turn
Perfect_Soilder_01: <gently rolls u over, sucking ur neck>
Duo fell over. Hed just released and already found himself getting hard at the idea of Heero fucking him entire.
The loud words struck a chord in Tasuki.
Duo was getting into it.
Perfect_Soilder_01: <explores u gently with fingers>
Tasuki couldnt believe he was writing the words. To his best friend, no less, as a sick joke.
Shingami_Maxwell: crys out ur name
Shingami_Maxwell: i need to fel youinsdem e
Perfect_Soilder_01: <explodes into your body>
Shingami_Maxwell: cries in raptureivewanted youf or solo ngs andnow i jut have yo and ionly iwa nt i
Tasuki didnt bother trying to get through that mass of fuddled words.
Wufei! Tasuki cried. Wufei!
Wait a second! Im in the bathroom!
Youve been in there for five minutes, Tasuki muttered. You leave me to do all the dirty work alone....
Shingami_Maxwell: Tellmeyou love me plesae tel me im import ant adnd that yu wont leavemea nd wil hjold me
Tasuki couldnt bring himself to type the words that Duo asked of him.
That was too mean.
Shingami_Maxwell: il just love yu foevr ifyole tme andadn illl be ggod adkis and cherishyou
Tasuki realized that the farther Duo went with this the more he was going to be hurt, but he couldnt respond! He couldnt make his fingers type the words!
Wufei! Get your sorry ass in here! I cant do this!
Shingami_Maxwell: ::puls you into watter:;kisses you;; Ilove you
Finally Wufei reappeared.
Took you long enough! Tasuki cried in anger and stood, handing the computer over to him. You got me into this mess and now you can get it out.
Wufei sat down.
Perfect_Soilder_01: Of course I love you Duo. Since I saw you I loved you. Youre the only thing that means anything to me in life.
Duo was sobbing into his messy hands, barely able to see the screen let alone type.
Shingami_Maxwell: iwsh that this wasnt overcomputersiwish icoldhold youinmy handsandthatyouwouldnoldmebacand ii want iwa nt you
He hugged himself, as Heero typed at he was holding him in his arms right then.
Shingami_Maxwell: Ill always love you Heero. Youre the only onefor me.
I dont care what you say, Wufei, Tasuki told him the next morning. Im going to tell Duo what happened because I dont want him to make a fool out of himself Monday.
What?! That takes all the fun and purpose of out the entire thing!
Hes my best friend! I cant let him make a fool out of himself like that!
Tasuki grabbed the phone and dialed his number.
Wufei growled in the corner.
Tasuki cursed when he picked up the answering machine and slammed the phone down.
Duo was happy. He even decided to go visit his annoying kid sister whod been wanting him to visit forever after finding out that Heero wasnt home. Duo wondered where he disappeared too so fast, but he figured that everything would be okay.
Just as he returned home late Sunday night, Tasuki had finally given up waiting for him to come home and instead would try to catch him before school. Neither of them knew how close they were to meeting each other.
Tasuki couldnt sleep all night, worry gnawing at him so. Wufei felt incredibly bad, but what was done was done and he couldnt take it back.
Duo couldnt sleep all night, but for his excitement to see Heero the next day.
Heero! Duo cried, dashing through the parking lot to throw his arms around his neck.
You see, for a very long time hed been battling it out with his homosexuality. He didnt want to admit it, being raised orthodox Christian, but once hed thrown off the cloak of Christianity, he began to see himself for what he was. That, in fact, was one of the things that had broken down the thick wall of belief he had been raised with. That and discovering that God wasnt going to strike you down for every petty mistake you ever made.
And he totally had a crush on Duo.
Duo was like the cream in his coffee, the sugar in his tea, the o in porn.... I mean, what would coffee be without cream? And what would tea be without sugar? And what would porn be without the o? Two nasty drinks and prn, thats what!
Everything Duo did was exciting, every time Duo smiled it was like the sun, every time--
Okay, no more stupid analogies.
Heero was in love with Duo and his little mind was screaming Does he know? How does he know?! Who else knows?! No one can know I might be gay! Im not gay! I dont think Im gay! Im just in love with him! God help me! Im in love with him! Hes touching me! His hands are on me! His crotch is right up against mine! OH my GOD! His crotch is right against mine! He has his hands on me!
Where were you Heero? Duo purred as he snuggled into his chest as Heero just stood there much like a stone would if it was being hugged. Ive missed you so much. Maybe we can have a repeat session of what we did on the computer, huh?
Suddenly Heero did the only thing he could think of to do.
He threw Duo off of him.
Duo hit the ground hard and there was the loud thump of flesh meeting pavement.
This was all Tasuki saw.
Duos eyes filled up with tears as he chomped down on his bottom lip, trying to lift himself off the pavement as his now torn up arm began to bleed.
What in the fuck are you talking about?! Heero screamed in agony.
What in the fuck do you think your doing?! his heart scolded. You love this man! Who cares what hes talking about, you love him and he was right there in your arms!
His brain, however, was telling him something very different. You let him hug you! You let another man hug you! Now people will think youre a fag! You cant let people think youre a fag! You dont love him and you arent a homo! How could you let him hug you?! Its wrong for men to hug!
Heero tried not to pull out his hair in frustration as Duo sobbed, clutching his arm as he stood shakily, the blood slipping through his fingers and running down his arm, staining his clothing.
Heero.... he whispered. I thought...I thought you loved me.... Friday night, with the computers.... I cant believe I cared for you Heero Yuy! he finally shrieked and there was a loud shmack as he threw his bloody arm up and punched Heero smack in the jaw, knocking him off balance with the force of it.
With that, he ran from the scene and into his car.
Tasuki was...stunned as he raced after Duo.
He was going to fucking murder Wufei! Why did he agree? Oh, he knew why. Wufei would have done it anyway. Why did he let him?
He tapped lightly on Duos car window as he sat there, just sat there, wrapping up his bleeding arm in a shirt, crying.
He unlocked the doors and Tasuki slid inside, and he promptly relocked them.
Are you okay? Tasuki finally asked as Duo had finished his wrapping.
No, he replied, trying to calm his tears.
I have a confession, Tasuki whispered.
I loved him too! Duo continued, not acknowledging Tasuki. I was truly in love with him. I would give the world just to see him smile at me.... Just to hear him ask me to dinner with the rest of his friends. I worshipped him like a fucking god and this, this is the thanks I get! I bet hes never been loved as much as I love him! He didnt have to love me back, but he didnt have to have cybersex with me! He didnt have to make me believe.... He didnt have to throw me to the floor like I was diseased after...after he told me I was beautiful.... After he told...after he told me he loved me.... God Tasuki, what am I going to do? Duos voice cracked as he possessed himself of Tasukis sleeve. Do you understand, somehow, at least a little bit of how much I loved him? I know I never truly told you that I was in love with him, but you know how it is.... You dont want to jinx it.... Why did he do this to me...? Why....
Duo, Tasuki asked, voice filled with fear. I thought that Heero was just a fuck-crush, really I did. Keep that in mind.
I know Tasuki....
Thats why when...when Wufei convinced me that it would be a fun game, thats why I agreed to make up that fake sn and cyber with you.
Duo didnt say anything. His eyes just got really big and his nails began to dig into Tasukis arm quite painfully.
I didnt think you were really going to fall for it! Wufei said that if you were a real friend youd laugh it off in the morning! I didnt think you were going to do it; I thought that Id tell you it was me before we got anywhere serious! If I had any idea it was going to go this far, I wouldve stopped, but I couldnt stop when you were so into it! I tried to call you and find you! I tried to do everything to avoid this situation! I never wanted this to happen!
You...did...what...? Duo asked very, very calmly.
Tasuki knew he was mad because he was so calm. The number one telltale sign that Duo was pissed off was that he was dead calm.
Tasuki felt like an endangered species being trapped by poachers and suddenly feared his life as he tried to loosen Duos hold on his arm.
Oh fuck, Duo whispered as he slowly sat up and rested his head down on the steering wheel. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, he muttered, his hands tightening around the fuzzy cover.
Tasuki decide it would be a great time to leave and slowly exited the car.
He knew Duo well and he knew that in a few days Duo would forgive him off principal, but he didnt want to make thing worse by sticking around.
Heero was, well, trapped.
He had no one to turn to. He didnt know what in the hell was going on.
So, he finally showed up on Nurikos dorm door.
Nuriko was just about the most flamboyant homosexual there was in school. He openly cross-dressed and hugged men and even crushed on them.
Theyd talked a very few times, but Heero couldnt think of anyone better to turn to with this, situation.
Nuriko opened the door and was obviously surprised.
Heero! Well, I didnt expect you, but come in!
Slowly Heero made his way inside.
What brings you about, hm? Would you like something to drink? Eat?
Heero shook his head. No, Nuriko, he spoke softly. I just want to know what in the fuck is wrong with me and what I should do about it.
Nuriko rose an eyebrow at this, but told him to sit down and they could talk.
I suppose youve probably been through all this shit before, with yourself or other people, Heero started and Nuriko waited patiently to find out the punch. About homosexuality and all and...and coming out of the closet...and everything.
Nuriko tilted his head a bit. Coming out?
Heero fumbled when it came to having to refer to himself. Uh, yeah, um, you know. When a person, um, finally admits theyre homosexual.
And who would this be, Heero?
Heero paused for a very long time before he buried his head in his hands, clawing at his temples.
Me, Nuriko. Me. I think Im gay, he finally managed out and Nuriko smiled and sat down next to him, rubbing his back a little.
There, youre almost over the worst of it, he spoke optimistically.
Heero sure didnt feel all that optimistic.
The worst of it my ass, he spat back. I dont want to be gay, Nuriko! Sure, maybe Ive realized that all that orthodox Christianity is a little harsh, but still--! I was raised that way and maybe in the back of my mind somewhere I still am a Christian and I still believe in heaven and hell and that sleeping with another man is a work of the devil and a sin and that the desire to do so will put you in hell! But I cant help it....
Of course you cant, Heero, Nuriko cooed. No one wants to be gay, besides the select few freaks who want to be pitied, but you also cant let your fear of it hinder your happiness. You are supposed to live your life so as to make you happy, not to break your back over some higher power that could or couldnt exist. Is something questionable going to tell you how and who to have sex with? I dont think so. Or at least, it shouldnt.
Loving men isnt a bad thing, Heero, its actually quite a positive thing. You cant get anyone pregnant, for one. Heero barked a laugh at this and Nuriko smiled. They understand you better then women, lets face it. There are just some things women cant and will never understand.
I know this, Nuriko. In my heart I know that all of this is okay, but I just cant make myself believe it. We roasted gays, where I was from. We...we laughed at the Mathew Shepard homicide. Now...now I realize I am everything I abused.... Its really hard for me....
Guilt, eh? Believe it or not, a lot of people understand that. They know its not easy. Some people are raised in environments where everything is cool and they breeze through adolescence being gay, but everyone hits a hard spot. Those people are usually crushed when they come up against someone who wants to kill them. At least youre through the worst of it. Just self-acceptance is hard.
Its not only that.... I...I did something really stupid today, Nuriko.
Nuriko waited for him to continue, as before.
I...Im.... Duo, Heero stuttered, wanting so badly to say what he felt, unable to because his mind begged him not to say the words his heart already knew. I l-lo.... I love Duo, he finally got out, cringing as he did so, his fingers digging deeper into his hair. Ev-everything about h-him. When he saw me, he ran into my arms. I didnt understand why. Something about computers, but.... But I.... Oh God, I threw him onto the pavement.
Nuriko gasped and backed away a little bit, appalled by this. Duo?
I know okay! I know.... It was so wrong of me.... But he punched me back pretty hard himself. I guess I was just so freaked out by the fact that he did this in public and that recently, its been eating at me.... Thats the only reason I came. Because I had to get it out. I couldnt keep this inside very much longer.
Thinking about it a lot?
Heero nodded. I was in Georgia visiting my relatives and...and thats when it all started. There was a family reunion and...and my uncle Solo.... He showed up. They werent going to tell him, but then when he found out, they told him the wrong date. Somehow he knew they were lying and...and he showed up with his partner. My family was so cold to him.... I just.... Since Friday thats all Ive been thinking about. I cant even pay attention in class, Im just thinking about that.
Both men were quiet for a long while. I think that you should tell him. But I think that you should tell him everything you told me. I think you should tell him about how hard it is for you, right now, to admit this to yourself. He needs to know these things. Duo will support you. But you have to, at all costs, figure out what you are inside because you can have boyfriends and you can have girlfriends, but hell, you have you for the rest of your fucking life and if you dont like you, then youre going to have some pretty big problems. There are people who know what youre going through and will support you whether youre gay, straight, or bi and I know that Duo is one of them. Duo is a great friend, and he doesnt even have to know you well, hell be there for you. I dont think I can help you beyond that advice. I think that only you have the power to help you from here, Heero.
Heero was silent as he took in the logic of Nurikos words.
But its so difficult--
Yeah Heero, difficult things happen everyday but you cant let that stop you. I know youre stronger than this. I know that youll figure out what youre really about.
Heero was just brooding when he got the knock on his door.
Wufei stood there.
Hi Heero. I have come to tell you something I really dont want to because I know you better then Tasuki does, but not by much, so this is kinda stupid, bye.
He promptly then turned and began to walk away, but Heero grabbed him.
I think there is more than that.
There is, Wufei sighed. You know what? We used your name to cyber with Duo for a cheap laugh. Okay? Bye.
Heero just let him go.
Thats what Duo was talking about with the computers then!
How could they do something that awful?
That meant that Duo mustve had a crush on him prior to the computers! Why else would they use him for their fun unless they knew that he was crushing on him!
Dammit! He was getting excited and that just added to the fact he was gay....
He had to talk to Duo!
About what? His gayness? Him at all? Maybe hed talk to Duo about Duo. Or something--! Anything--!
He just wanted to see Duo again!
But how could he when he acted so cruel....
What was he going to do?
Heero dashed inside and found out that Duo was indeed on, but as soon as signed on, Duo signed off of all his messengers.
Heero couldnt blame him....
But that meant hed have to face him in person!
He had to...oh.... He had to....
Duo kept walking. He heard Heero behind him, but he wouldnt acknowledge him. Not after he embarrassed himself. Not after Heero had thrown him onto the ground. No matter how stupid Duo looked, throwing himself onto Heero, that was no excuse for the way Heero mistreated him.
Sure, maybe Heero was acting a little odd, running after him instead of the other way around, but that was no excuse either.
Look, I want to talk to you.
I dont want to talk to you.
Heero wasnt expecting that, but didnt pause.
Duo stomped on. Because Ive humiliated myself enough already and Im not ready to talk to you yet.
But I understand now! I know about the trick they played on the both of us!
This hit Duo for a moment and he did pause, but picked back up walking quickly enough.
Would you fucking shut up already?! Duo screamed and there was silence, but he could hear Heeros feet padding along behind him.
Always just a few steps behind him.
Why dont you leave me the fuck alone? he finally cried, turning around to see Heero standing there looking rejected. You finally shut up but you still follow me around?! Cant you see you arent wanted here?
Heero knew the real reason he kept following Duo, besides the fact that he knew he needed to apologize. Once he was with Duo, he never wanted to leave his presence. Sure, he was madder than hell, but he was still the most beautiful thing about the Earth.
I-I just want.... I want to be with you.... he whispered so softly Duo almost didnt catch it.
Duo saw his eyes shimmer and realized that Heero Yuy, one of the most feared men on campus, was going to cry.
But Duo laughed. Yeah. And Brittany Spears chest is real, too.
Then he watched as a tear slipped down the side of his face. Heero didnt even do anything to wipe it away.
You wont give me even a minute? he begged quietly.
Duo then sighed. He couldnt be that mean to anyone.
Fine. You have one minute.
Heero wanted to grab him in his arms and just hold him, but he knew that would be a waste of his minute, and Duo was blatantly watching his watch right in front of him, so he quickly composed himself before he began to speak.
Duo, you dont understand. When you hugged me, I was scared. I was more scared than Ive been in my entire life.
For the past year Ive been debating.... Ive been.... Goddamn! Why did he become so tongue-tied?!
Ive been...been debating.... Been debating whether or not I was...was...was homosexual....
Ten seconds. You havent impressed me yet.
Its been rea.... Its been really hard for me!
Duo began to turn around and walk off in the other direction.
Its been really hard for me and I was scared because I love you! he screamed at Duo, who was now way out of arms reach. Im gay, he whispered as Duo kept walking and he felt his world just collapse around him. He couldnt handle it. He thought the pain was over. He thought the pain was over when he got away from his abusive family. He thought hed never have to go through anything so painful ever again.
But somehow, if maybe not physically, this felt as bad. This knowing that he was gay and the one person in the world he cared about walking away....
He dug his face into his hands as he felt himself slip.
Duo turned around and saw this and was, to say the least, shocked.
Here Heero was, sobbing into his hands and muttering to himself, more broken then he ever thought hed see a human be. How could he do this to Heero? How could Heero lie and say he loved him?
Slowly he walked back and Heero fell against his shoulder shamefully, his face burning in flush. Ever since he got away from his father, he told himself hed be strong. Hed never be seen crying. Hed never be as weak as he was then. But here he was, sobbing on Duos shoulder, and he was weak. He knew he was weak.
Are you going to be okay?
Heero shook his head to Duos question.
Im a faggot, Duo, he whispered as Duo flinched at the word. Im everything I was raised to hate.... And I love you.... When...when you hugged me, I was so happy, I was so mad....
The words were so hard to say. His voice kept cracking, his head kept telling him not to speak. Dont speak, dont speak, dont make it true....
His heart told him it was the only way.
I was mad because I was happy.... I didnt know what to do, so...so I eliminated the threat....
Duo winced as he grabbed his arm and ran his fingers lightly over the huge, glaring scab that was where he had fallen upon the concrete.
Suddenly Heero pulled away and sniffled back his tears.
I want to love you, but I wont ask your forgiveness. I dont think it would be a good idea, even if you still had it in you to love me after what I did to you, for us to do anything together. Not because I dont love you, because I dont want to. No, I want to, but I dont want everything that comes with it.
Duo stood there and tried to think of something to say, something to do.
Do you really think that would be best? he finally asked and Heero couldnt help but nod.
I dont want to hurt you any more than I already have.
Duo paused. He didnt want to let this go through his fingers....
I think it would be best too, Heero, he finally spoke. You dont know yourself. I dont want to be involved with that. I cant handle that, the pain that comes with it. I cant deal with it. I dont think that we should do anything for a while. Maybe never. It would be for the best. This situation can only get worse.
Both star-crossed lovers stared at each other, trying not to delve too deep in the seas of each others eyes.
This is for the best, Heero promised himself as he took a step back from Duo.
This is for the best, Duo promised back, as he too, stepped away.
The pain that accompanies this is almost--
Dont say anything. The words just make things worse.
And with that, they left each other.
Three Months Later: Spring Break
Outrageously loud laughter filled the room. It was Friday night. No one had anywhere to be but with each other in Tamahomes condo by the beach, getting dead drunk. It was probably the most long-term plan the guys ever held. Tamahome invited Tasuki, Duo, Heero, Wufei, Hotohori, Chichiri, and Trowa out for a week of beer and beach and babes. It was about midnight and they were already having more fun then they thought they would for a really long time. There was cheap beer, tons of hot wings, and the beach right outside with little groups of chics and other people hanging out that they could potentially pick up.
Heero and Duo were a little distant for the past three months. They didnt mind being together, just not being forced to talk to each other. Heero was pretty cool with himself, after having three months to work it out. He didnt tell anyone, but he felt that his self-acceptance was everything he needed right then.
Duo was still very much in love with Heero, no matter how much he didnt want to be. He knew that he really needed to avoid him for a few years and not think about him or see him for any of that time, but that wasnt an option so he suffered.
Chicken, chicken, chicken, Duo clucked as he made his way back for more chicken wings, having lost count of his beer intake a loooong time ago. Luckily none of them were irritable drunks and more the kind that did ridiculous things when they were intoxicated.
Look! Im a chic! Tasuki cried, holding two bowls up to his chest as every laughed. Look! An elephant! he announced, holding the bowls behind his ears now and they laughed harder.
Hey! Lets go get some chicks! Tamahome declared, jumping on the couch, knocking Tasuki off of it while he bounced up and down on it.
All the men agreed, thrown in disorder.
Well, Duo sat gouging himself on chicken wings as he watched them run out of the sliding glass windows, hopping the porch fence. Duo was content chowing on the rest of the wings and licking his fingers.
Suddenly he felt someone come up behind him and pin him down on the floor.
He closed his eyes and giggled when he felt his neck being licked and smothered in kisses.
That tickles! he cried as hands came up under his shirt. Who are you anyway?
Suddenly Heeros face appeared in his vision.
Heero! he cried, clapping in his drunken stupor, forgetting everything that happened between them except how nice Heeros lips felt....
Heero was also too drunk to see anything besides how fucking hot Duo was and began to feel him out through his pants.
Duo gave way to a little moan as he jumped up, grabbing the back of Heeros shirt and dragging him into a bedroom, slamming the door shut and flinging himself down on the bed, shirt flying open and exposing his beautiful chest.
Heero walked over and slid down on top of him.....
Duo awoke as the sunlight streamed through the window. A small smile graced his face as he cuddled against the warm body that slept on next to his. He didnt remember much about the night but that they went at it four times that night and hed felt better than he ever did in his entire life.
Suddenly he turned and almost fell out of the bed.
Heeros eyes drifted open and he yawned a little and Duo couldnt help but note that he looked adorable.
Yeah? he asked, rubbing at his eyelids before blinking and finding them meeting Duos face and naked body.
Shit, he answered himself, throwing his face down into the pillow.
Duo laid this cheek in his hand and looked at his partner for the night.
So we fucked four times last night?
Heero nodded into the pillow.
Ive never fucked four times in one night before.... Duo murmured thoughtfully.
Im sorry, Heero muttered.
Dont apologize. I dont know about you, but I thought it was great. You dont have to apologize for that. We were drunk. Duo lay down again on his stomach as Heero flipped himself over on his back, turning his head to look at the thoughtful Duo.
But I wanted too. I wasnt intoxicated enough not to realize that, he admitted shamefully.
Duo sighed and looked at his arms. I guess it was kind of unavoidable. I never got over you.
Heero was silent for a while.
I guess we cant have a chance, can we? I.... I found myself and in all my searching, I never got over you, either.
Duo snorted a laugh at Heeros speech.
Nah, Heero. Id just be a fuck toy for you.
How do you know that?
Duo turned his face away. Because thats all I am for anyone.
They sat and listened to the waves breaking on the beach before Duo stood and walked over to some of the suitcases and grabbed some swimming trunks, pulling him on then scratching his head, realizing how messed up his hair was.
Then he felt Heeros hands on his hair, slowly combing it out for him before braiding it tight.
Duo turned to see some sort of emotion on his face after he was finished, but he found himself facing the back of his head as he walked out, still naked.
He felt torn as he followed, announcing that he was going to the beach for a swim as Tasuki agreed and they dashed off together.
Duo sat on the beach, just watching the stars and taking in the gentle breeze on his skin.
He heard sand moving and someone walking toward him, the gentle lap of the waves breaking on the surf calming Duo and he didnt bother to look up as the person sat down next to him.
They sat together for a long time in silence and Duo knew it was Heero. He recognized his smell and just the way he acted. He didnt need to see him to know it was him.
Its nice to be able to see the stars, Heero finally whispered, breaking the nice silence between them.
Both of them knew that the questions begging to be answered between them had to be. Both of them knew that they were going to have a long talk that wasnt going to be fun and neither of them were looking forward to it, but they were both realistic people and knew that the problems had to be worked out.
Umhmm.... Duo returned. I had all the constellations memorized once....
They both sunk into silence as they stared at the stars.
Suddenly Heero began sweeping his hands over the sand, sculpting it.
I found myself.
I know, Duo replied. I waited.
I waited because I was stupid. I understand everything now.
Heero paused. I dont follow you.
Last night, Heero, no.... I cant do anything after last night. Youve only confirmed everything Ive known now for the past year.
I still dont understand.
Before I fell in love with you, I had a boyfriend. I thought we were perfect, I thought he loved me. But Heero, we had sex every night. I got tired of this after awhile. I...I wanted something more. I wanted to sleep with him, not fuck with him. Just once I wanted to fall asleep in his arms, not on his dick. But I stayed with him because I loved him. It took me a full three months before I began to realize that he was cheating on me and using even another man for sex, as he did me. I was merely one of his toys.
Of course, right then and there we were through, but it took me a while to get over him. I only did so by falling in love with you.
But after our incident, I tried out other men. The first one tried to get me in bed on the first date, the second raped me, the third didnt look like he would ever touch me. That was a comfort until I realized that we wouldnt have a sex life and that we were totally incompatible.
Then last night, Heero.... Not after last night. I cant trust you. Or anyone, for that matter.
Heero smirked. Well you can hardly blame those men. If you were mine, Id hope wed have a sex life.
Duo sat up and glared at him and Heero felt that even in the night.
Dont make fun of me!
Im not! Heero returned. Im not, really. I dont blame you, Duo; I just dont know what to say. I know that I would respect your wishes, but just me saying that doesnt mean anything. You have to decide on your own. I cant force you to do anything.
Duo looked back to the stars and suddenly he felt something tugging gently on his braid and he looked over and found Heero unbelievably close to him, eyes looking ridiculously innocent, mouth upturned in a small smirk.
Do you normally look so adorable for all the men you go after? Duo asked with a sigh.
Ive only ever gone after you.
Slowly Heero moved in and let his lips linger over Duos for a few long moments. He felt Duos long lashes dance over his face as his eyes closed and he pressed his lips back.
Suddenly the harsh glaring of a flashlight broke them away.
Break it up you two! Tasuki announced quite loudly, hands on hips. We were worried about you guys!
Duo was blushing something horrendous and covered his face with his hands as Heero glared at the redheaded idiot.
They got up and followed him back to the condo.
So, you two a couple? he called over his shoulder, halfway there. Both Heero and Duo looked at each other and Heero replied No.
Tasuki smirked. Tsk, tsk. Kissing and ya arent a couple.
Its none of your business, Duo spat.
Okay, okay! Ill stay out of it! Tasuki replied, dashing away when they saw the light of the condo.
Heero and Duo, however, continued to walk slowly, their minds reeling and begging each other to do something or say something before the entire night was lost and nothing was resolved.
Slowly, however, their hands brushed against one another and even more nonchalantly, their fingers twinned up, both ignoring the touch on the outside, but screaming surprise and happiness on the inside.
Under a tree in the bright light of the condo, Heero stopped and Duo, hand still locked tight, stopped with him. He drew him back a little bit and stared down into his eyes.
Might as well finish what we started, he spoke before placing a tender kiss on Duos lips.
Duo kissed him back, but broke away and dashed up the stairs into the house.
This isnt over yet.
Want to go to town? Heero asked as he lounged on the beach with a beer.
Duo and Tasuki sat to the side with their own beers burying Wufei in the sand.
Why? Tasuki asked.
I dont know, Heero replied sarcastically. Because its there and none of us know whats there.
Hey Duo, Tasuki hissed, punching him in the arm. You should go.
Why would I want to go? he replied, annoyed.
So you could test him, Tasuki answered, smirking. See if he lives up to your expectations.
Duo sighed and knew only two things.
A: He would never get out of it because Tasuki would shove him into Heeros arms.
B: He actually wanted to go out on the town with Heero.
If no one wants to come with me, Ill go myself, Heero spoke, pulling on a white tank top that matched with his green board shorts.
I...Ill go, Duo finally spoke up, standing and pulling on his own tank top.
Heero swallowed the rest of his beer and threw it in a near by bin as he waited for Duo to slid on his flip-flops and dashed across the beach after him.
Tasuki pressured you into this, didnt he? Heero asked.
Well.... Duo muttered.
Heero shrugged. Its not like theres anything between us.
Duo paused as Heero kept walking.
Yeah, he muttered. Exactly.
At first, they were very nervous around each other, afraid almost to speak. Both of them wanted to make a good impression on the other. But after an hour they loosened up and acted like friends, but innuendo was definitely flying. Heero bought him flowers from a little stand and Duo would hang on his arm occasionally.
Heero was conscious not to ever touch Duo in a suggestional way and tried to pick up on his body language before he bought him anything.
Duo took in the fact that Heero wasnt doing anything that he didnt want him to do or touching him or flirting with him too much.
By one, both of them were starving and decided to hang at small hot dog shop.
Duo ordered chilidogs and Heero ordered a few pieces of pizza, not being a big hot dog person.
This is going to be hard for me, but Im going to say it, Duo opened after there was a pause between their laughter and jokes. Heero waited patiently. This feels like a date to me, he finally finished.
Heero reached over and let his hands trail the table in front of Duos fingers. Duo reached out and brushed his tips over Heeros. Slowly the ends of their fingers blended.
You know, it doesnt have to happen all at once. We can start slow. We dont have to move in together as soon as we start dating or anything, if we do start dating, that is, Heero added quickly. We dont have to cohabitate first thing.
Duo looked up at him through his long bangs and studied his face.
Of course, Heero replied. We can go as slow as you like.
Duo paused. Slow.... Slow would be nice....
Heero nodded. That would be fine.
Duos slid his hand to lock it with Heeros and squeezed it tight.
I would like that.