12-8-2001

Title: Forbidden Lover
Artist: L’arc En Ciel
Author: Kitto Neko
Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘um and you’d be stupid to sue cause all you’d get is wasted time.
Pairing: 1x2
Warning: lime, mild oocness
Feedback: I love feedback, but please send flames to me personally at neko1024@hotmail.com ^_^

Forbidden Lover (L'arc En Ciel)
...::For bljv2::...
--By Kitto Neko--

 

Aa kogoeru kurai umi e
Nagasareteyuku rekishi no nami ni nomare
Ah I'm flowing into the dark frozen sea
With the wave of history
~~~

Heero stood at the doorway, memories ebbing into his mind as he lay his hand softly on it, his finger-tips brushing against the smooth wood.

All the memories of the war and the pain... All the memories of Duo Maxwell. Of their friendship. Of their short and hasty ‘love’...

Sometimes it made him feel so cold... But no. He could never be as cold as he was those five years ago.

It was such a shame he had to waste what was supposed to be the best time of his life so emotionlessly...

But maybe it wasn’t all such a ‘waste’ and maybe it wasn’t all so ‘emotionless’ as he made it sound.

Yet what did it matter? It was in the past, now.

Still...

It did seem to have more signifigance, especially since it was Duo Maxwell’s door upon which he knocked.

It opened slowly and Duo’s ever bright face peered out.

And seemed overcome with shock when he saw who owned the hand which knocked.

“Heero,” he gasped, the name still raising so much emotion in his heart...

“Hello, Maxwell,” was the short reply, not knowing whether Duo’s shock was a sign of good or bad.

Suddenly he gathered himself and opened the door wider.

“Come in! How have you been? Where have you been? What happened for the past five years? Where did you disappear to? Why did you leave so suddenly? Didn’t--”

Heero cut him off with a small smile and a halting motion.

“I can see you still talk as much as you used to.”

Duo crossed his arms over his chest. “I haven’t changed much, I suppose, and be careful, I might take offense to that.”

“I was passing through this way and was wondering if maybe I could spend a few nights here. We could...talk...if you wanted.”

Duo paused at the idea, not knowing whether to agree for the love of all things holy, or to disagree for his well-being.

“You’re either seriously mocking me or have suddenly found a sense of humor.”

“Well, neither, I was being serious.”

“When weren’t you being serious?” Duo muttered to himself as he thought. It really couldn’t hurt to have the company. He did live alone... Then again, Heero...whom after all these years, he still had emotions for... They never worked out their problems and emotions. He never truly got over the wild boy of so long ago...

“I guess, I guess,” Duo finally agreed, still long as ever braid swinging behind him as he jittered nervously. “You can stay, you can stay.”

Heero gave him another smile as he jabbered, helping Heero bring his bags into his surprisingly clean house.

“I suppose that this means we’ll have to bring up some cold history that neither of us has thought about for a long time, huh Heero?” Duo asked sullenly as he placed his things in the guestbedroom.

“Maybe you didn’t think about it, but I did,” Heero answered. “Maybe that’s part of the reason I came.”

‘Or maybe it’s just the fact I wanted to see you again,’ Heero thought, knowing that even in his five years of humanity training, those were words he was still not read to speak.

~~~
Yagate maku wa agari
Hakanai yume o tsurete arasoi ni hi o tsukeru
Before long, the curtain will rise
I use an ephemeral dream to start a fire in controversy
~~~

They were sitting over coffee in Duo’s living room. They had dinner and had talked, some. About their lives since the war, relationships, how Heero married Relena because it seemed like the right thing to do. It would keep her sane, so insuring peace with the world.

“I suppose, for the past five years, I was waiting for you to come to my door like a knight in shinning armour and take me away to some remote island,” Duo finally admitted, blushing even with the small smile that graced his face. “It was such a nice dream...”

“And I suppose...I suppose I dreamt that I would do that for you,” Heero whispered as he stared into the cup.

He always had his little dream where he would have the courage to come to Duo and tell him of his love and take him up into his arms and take him to a small town somewhere where they could hide unknown for the rest of their lives. Share kisses... Share poems... Share love...

But that was a short-lived dream when Relena found him and asked him to marry her.

“Why did you leave me then?”

Heero stood and walked past Duo to look out the window, trying hard to look past his pathetic reflection and to the scenery outside.

“I didn’t think you loved me. I thought I was over-reacting to the situation and you just considered me a way to relieve your frusteration.”

Duo was quiet for a few minutes before softly speaking, “that’s what I thought you thought of me.”

Heero smirked. “Amusing.”

“I don’t find it amusing!” Duo cried. “I’ve been hurt for the past five years! I finally gave up that I’d ever see you again! Even now if you did still love me, you’re married to Relena! Why you did that, I understand, but you cannot be married to her and hold a love affair with a man! I don’t want to be the man in the affair! I’d want you to be completely detic--”

“Shut up Duo. You’re babbling.”

“I will not shut up! You’re always telling me to shut up! I’m not going to this time! I mad! You didn’t have to come here and ruin all my dreams! At least when I had dreams I still thought they were going to come true and I had something to look forward to! Now I just don--”

“If you don’t shut up, I’ll make you.”

“I’d like to see you try, Mr. Yuy! Or do you perfer Mr. Yuy-Peacecraft? I really wouldn’t be surprised since you always thought you were so much better than everyone else anyway! How you loved me when you put me down so I’ll nev--”

Suddenly Heero leaned down and caught his lips in a kiss.

Duo’s eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat when he felt Heero’s rough but careful lips pressed up against his.

Heero could taste the faint sugary coffee on his tender lips as he let his tongue slide across them.

They broke away from one another, Heero returning to the window as Duo turned away, blushing heavily.

“What was that for?” he whispered, his voice shaking more than he would have liked.

“To shut you up,” he replied smoothly.

“That’s all?”

“No,” was Heero’s simple reply.

“If you’re looking for a good fuck then you can just forget it. I don’t allow people to play with my emotions for their own sick enjoyment.”

“Not a good fuck,” Heero answered. “A good... Nevermind.”

Duo rose an eyebrow at him.

“A good lover?” he asked hesitantly, softly.

Heero set the coffee down before walking away.

“You were always much too good at guessing games,” he told him before he disappeared into his room for the night.

~~~
Itsunohi ni miushinatta kokoro wa Kurikaesu wasuresarareta tsumi o
Ayamachi o sodate sono kegareta ai de Gareki ni kizuku rakuen
Someday the heart I lost sight of
Will repeat a sin it could forget
That corrupted love that raises a mistake
The paradise that builds on debris
~~~

“This isn’t right of us,” Duo breathed heavily as Heero ravished his neck with kisses.

“How so?”

“You’re married! Besides...last time we tried to love...”

“Forget last time. This is different. I know what I feel now,” Heero replied as he wrapped Duo into a tight hug.

“It’s worse now! Because you’re married to the most influential woman in the world!” Duo cried, unable to push him off, only hugging him tighter. Even though his brain told him it was wrong, his heart knew he was waiting for the day he would be put in this position.

“I don’t care.”

“I do!” Duo begged. “Please stop...”

“I can’t.”

“Please..!”

“Duo...” he murmured as Duo got off of him and watching him on the bed as he stood to fiddle with something on a dresser.

“Last time I was in love with you, all I was was hurt. There was no happiness, there was no fun, it was pain. Yet still, I love you... It’s like a drug... Or some kind of fun sin... God help me...”

“Why can’t we just disappear?” Heero asked. “I’ve grown up remarkably, Duo. You’d be proud of me. I always thought I was so smart, but you were re--”

“Then why can’t you be grown-up about this? We can’t love one another! We can’t disappear or Relena will hunt you down! You know that, I know that, the world knows it!”

Heero did know it and sat downheartenedly.

“I’ll kill her.”

“You can’t do that. You’ve tried, remember. Even as a child you knew that you couldn’t kill her for the fear that she might be the only chance peace had. Maybe you’re more a child than before.”

“If you love me, why can’t you hope that somehow this could work out?”

“Because I’ve been hurt before and I don’t do something that hurts twice.”

“Couldn’t we find a little happiness in...”

His voice faded and Duo turned to look at Heero, more innocent than before now that he’d found humanity.

“You were like me five years ago. Holding on to the littlest details with hope that something would come of them,” Duo muttered as he walked over and lay down in Heero’s lap. “I hate this idea,” he growled as his hands cuped around Heero’s face, pulling him down for a kiss. “But maybe we can find some happiness in the wreckage of this situation.”

Heero kissed back with all his passion.

He couldn’t lose what he treasured most ever again.

~~~
forbidden lover...... Awai kioku
Tsuyoku daitemo kasanari aenu shikisai
Iki o hisome chikau
Amai koi no hate wa yokisenu toki no itazura
forbidden lover...... Ephemeral memory
Even though I hold it tightly, the colors won't mix
I secretly swear
The end of a sweet love is the sudden prank of time
~~~

Heero snuck up behind Duo in attempt to tickle him, but Duo promptly turned around and smacked him with the spatula.

“Gotcha!” he cried, throwing his arms around Heero and nuzzeling his neck with his nose. Heero held him close, knowing these small memories where what he was going to have to hang on until he could come back and maybe even divorce Relena.

‘I’ll never leave you again.’ The words echoed through his mind, but he knew saying them aloud would cause to much pain.

Because it could very well be a lie.

“I’m making eggs for breakfast!”

“So I see. You’ve become a much better cook since the war.”

“Living alone does that to you....”

Heero felt guilty as his voice softened.

“I wish you didn’t have to live alone.”

Duo waved it off. “Don’t worry about it. I got used to it. Talking to yourself isn’t actually so bad. At least you always get an answer back,” he tried to joke, smiling, but only made Heero feel worse.

“There will be years in this short time and centuries when I can spend a year with you,” Heero murmured, catching Duo’s hands as he made to get plates for the eggs and bacon.

“If all that time goes by, you’ll be bored by me,” Duo told him.

“Ha. You? Boring?” Heero kissed his lips slowly. “You’re always coming up with some strange scheme. I don’t think a house with you could be boring.”

“It is when there’s no one else to play schemes on. I mean, it’s no fun to tie back the handle on the spray facuet so when someone turns on the water next it squirts them if you’re the only one around to turn on the water next.”

“You’d do that to me?”

“Hell yeah!” Duo smiled, kissing his cheek as Heero let his hands go so he could get plates.

Duo seemed so happy... No matter how he tried to hold onto this, Heero knew that eventually it would slip out of his hands.

He only hoped that this short time would feel like years...even if he knew that it would most likely have the opposite affect.

~~~
Moeagaru honoo ni tori kakomare Kuzureyuku fune ni inochi tsukamare
Obieta hitomi wa ten no aoi de Sakebu kami no na o
I am surrounded by a burning flame
My life is on the crumbling boat
My scared eyes look up to the sky
I shout God's name
~~~

Slowly their lips touched as their breaths calmed.

Heero was so scared as he wrapped his arms tightly around Duo, so he’d never have to let him go.

He was sinking so fast... He never wanted to leave!

He’d already stayed three days more than he was supposed to and each day it was getting harder to leave...

He’d never felt compelled to pray before, but suddenly he wanted to beg God for this one thing... To keep him close... To pray that time would stop just so that they could be together forever...

It just wasn’t fair!

Maybe it was stupid of him to come back. Maybe he should’ve listened to the annoying voice in his head that told him he would be heading for trouble to show up at Duo Maxwell’s door...

Yet part of him didn’t care. Just to feel love once again... It was like spring coming after winter.

He was opening up more than ever before.

And he kind of liked it.

He didn’t want to lose the precious little he had gained, and going away could destroy it.

“Are you okay, Heero?” came Duo’s quiet voice, warm breath on his face.

He realized he was sobbing silently.

Duo wipped away the tears with light, nimble fingers.

“Heero? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no... It’s not you. I’m so stupid,” he muttered, kissing the base of Duo’s neck.

“No you aren’t. Why do you say that?” Duo asked, confused, as he pulled the blankets up closer around them.

“Because I’ve got to leave eventually, and I don’t want to... I knew this was going to happen, yet I did it anyway, and now I’ve gone and hurt you too...”

Duo kissed his cheeks. “At least we will have left on a good note and I won’t be in pain for the rest of my life. We worked things out, and that’s the most I could hope for. I never expected great happiness in life, and you’ve already given me more than I expected.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“Do you really think that?”

Heero shook his head, because he didn’t really think that, but part of him didn’t want to believe it either.

Duo deserved more happiness than just this.

~~~
Sora takaku mai agare kono kokoro Suzumaita warui yume yori takaku
Toki hanatsu anata e no kono omoi Tooi chi e kagayaki o hanatte
High in the sky this heart dances
I was passing higher than a nightmare
I let this thought loose to you
I let the radiance go to the far off ground
~~~

Heero sipped at his wine as they listened to soft music, curled up together in the den. Slowly, slowly Heero storked his long, soft honey-amber hair. He didn’t want to fall asleep, not to night, not ever tonight. Maybe he could make the hours strech to innumable lengths and he would never have to leave... Maybe...

If he didn’t let his eyes slide closed...

“I’m stuck in a sick nightmare,” he whispered as he paused momentairly from petting his hair and kissed his head. “I’ve never been happier. It’s like some kind of wonderful dream, and in the end, you know it’s going to turn into a nightmare. All your happiness crushed...”

Duo nodded as his fingers tightened around Heero’s shirt.

It wasn’t fair that he had to leave! It wasn’t fair!

Who knew if he’d ever come back?

He had this thing, the only one thing he wanted, and now it was to be taken away from him?

“It’s the greatest injudice...” he mummbled.

“I’m just going to float away... And watch you...looking up at the balloon... Goddammit,” Heero suddenly growled, scrubbing at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. “Not only am I making up stupid metaphors, but I’m going to cry too!”

Duo laughed as tears began to roll slowly out of his eyes.

“I never wanted anything more than this,” he sobbed, his hands now digging into Heero’s clothing, needing to keep him there. He couldn’t let go! He could’t let go! Heero would escape if he let go! He couldn’t...couldn’t let go...

Heero set down the wine as he too, began to cry, and wrapped Duo tight in his warm embrace.

“I’ll come back, I swear I will...”

“Don’t swear when you won’t be able to hold yourself to it,” Duo begged, unable to stop the endless rivers that poured from his eyes.

Heero rocked him slowly, slowly back and forth, swearing even if it was dangerous, swearing because he had to keep the promises, swearing and kissing his head until he fell into restless sleep.

“If only his dreams are happy...” Heero whispered as he lay him down upon the bed they shared. “Please don’t let them turn into a nightmare like the one I’m living right now...”

~~~
Arata naru kuni ni Yagate kiru hi ni mo
Onaji michi o mata tourudarouka
Before long, will the day even come to the new world
When we are passing through the same road again?
~~~

“My sleeping beauty...do not awake until I return,” Heero asked of Duo, still curled up in sleep as he snuck around the room at five in the morning.

“We shall meet again, even if you don’t believe it. Whether it is in this life, or more to come, I will come back to you... I swear...I’ll come back.”

Leaning down he placed the softest kiss upon Duo’s forehead before lifting his bags to his shoulders and with one last longing look, walked out the door.

Then Duo broke down.

“Whether this life or not,” Duo implored, voice cracking as he heard the car start up outside. “God only knows how I’ll wait for you, my forbidden lover...”

~~~

forbidden lover......
forbidden lover......

 

~Owari~