First I would like to send a biiiiiiiiig THANKYOU to my beta Black Widow!!! *huggles* Brought to my attention things I didn't even know existed to be messed up. ^_^ This ficcy is to be entered in Shi-chan's 'Hatsukoi' contest when it is finished! Yay! ^_~ I'm sending out parts when I get them back from Black Widow-chan, but I've written up to part nine soooooooo~~~~! Yep! Enjoy! ^_^
!!~~sorry for the massive cross-post minna -_-;~~!!
Title: Beyond the Bounds of Earth -- temp title, I have soooo gotta change
Author: Izora Jade -- me! ^_^ <-- I ish on sugar high
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em or else I would be doing something better with my life than writing this story! ^_~
Warnings: Um.......... AU to all hell, cursing, a little cutting in the beginning, abuse later on, blah blah blah.... I'd give it an R rating just cause PG-13 would probably be too light, though it really depends on what you can handle, I guess.
Feedback: Ish always nice! ^_^ firstname.lastname@example.org ish always working!
Archive: Ask me first but this is only hosted on ff.net under Izora Jade right now, although soon it will be on my site which is in the siggy.
>> Begin Part One (revised)
Heero felt like killing someone.
He was humiliated. Someone had filled his presentation for computer tech with porn files. Not only was he suspended for a week, but he finally broke into tears of frustration and lost all the rest of the respect the administration had for him.
But he didnt do it! He would never do something like that! He needed perfection and that was far from perfection!
He pulled into a Starbucks, almost hitting a tree while he parked. Anger was still burning like wildfire though his veins.
Stalking into the almost empty café, he glared at the pretty-boy behind the counter.
He blinked a few times and shuffled his feet nervously before asking what he would like.
Heero almost missed his words, due to his intense anger.
Ill have a regular coffee, black, he finally growled, and the boy hopped to his order.
I have always wondered, the boy spoke softly, why humans are so quick to anger. It causes only pain. Anger is caused from situations that can be easily rationalized. There is no good from being angry, so why not think and find the source of your anger and take the energy that is caused from this emotion and use this energy to find and carry out a better solution to the problem? He set the coffee on the counter and met Heeros eyes briefly before looking at the floor. However, some people tell me I think too much....
Heero stared at him and slowly realized that this boy was right and the anger he had felt was slowly ebbing away.
There was nothing he could do in being angry, but maybe if he calmed himself, he could think of something.
That will be a dollar twenty five.
Heero pulled out two bills from his back pocket and set them on the counter. The boy took them and handed him back his change.
Pausing momentarily, Heero murmured a quiet thank you before picking up his coffee and heading out of the café, hoping that the boy had understood that he wasnt only thanking him for the coffee.
Heero believed that he did.
The next week was near torture for Heero.
A bulk of the time he spent in his room, practicing his violin or reading and generally avoiding his parents and the computer.
Right then, the computer, which he loved, was a sign of dishonor and failure, and he could hardly stand to look at it. He didnt even realize that was why he felt such loathing toward it.
And he was dreading Monday.
He was sure that by now the rumors were all over the school. He began to wish that hed never listened to what that guy at Starbucks said because anger was certainly a hundred times better than the dread the was slowly forming in the pit of his stomach with each passing day. He wasnt sure if he feared anything as much as he feared this.
Little did he know, it wasnt so much the comments that he would get, but the school that really upset him. It was just another sign of his failure and he couldnt handle that.
He had been raised since birth to be perfect. He was an only child of two rich doctors who demanded perfection not only in the workplace, but in their home as well. He had learned quickly as a young child that messing up resulted in punishment and he was raised to fear punishment.
Thus he had been raised with an extreme fear of rejection if he could not achieve perfection. Every aspect of his life had to flawless or he would be considered a failure and unworthy of anything.
Heero stared down at his knees that Sunday night, worry eating at him, as he sat up on his bed, going over everything he could have done differently because right then, he was unworthy. He should have double-checked the disks before running them in class. He should have been more careful with where he left them. If he werent so stupid, this wouldnt have happened. How could he be such an idiot? How could he have let something so easily avoidable happen? If he had any brain in his empty head he could have prevented it. It was no wonder no one was interested in such a dumbass as him. Sure, hed been accepted into Harvard, but who gave a damn? He was just a number, he wasnt a person. Why should he be allowed to be a person? He would only fuck the world up further, after all, with his stupid mistakes. He hoped no one even became the least interested in him. He couldnt be married and have a family. Hed just fuck that up too. He would do more harm than good. Dear Lord, theres blood. Where is this blood coming from? Probably another stupid act he committed. He probably hurt himself, the dumb fuck. All he deserved was to be hurt, but no no....
Look what you did, he cussed at himself as he wiped his wet eyes with his hands, just smearing blood across his face. Youre so fucking stupid, you hurt yourself. Youre such a failure that you cant even stop yourself from hurting yourself. My God, its no fucking wonder Im unloved by everyone. What did I do to deserve it? Nothing.... I just hurt myself. Its better Im hurting myself than someone else. Its better this way.... My God, it hurts.... But pain, no. Pain is weak. Why cant I stand up against the pain? he cried in anguish, tears slipping faster down his cheeks, blood mixing with them as he kept trying to wipe them away. Dont cry you stupid fuck! Dont cry! Youve got be stronger than that! Stop hurting yourself! Why cant you stop? Why cant I be right...? Why didnt my parents love me...? Well thats obvious. If you deserved it they wouldve! You dont deserve anything, Heero, youre lucky! Youre lucky, so why in the hell are you hurting yourself? Youre so fucking childish! Youre so fucking weak! Suck it up you goddamn baby!
He cried out in pain as he dug the pocketknife once more into his wrist. It hurt so fucking much.... Why wasnt he stronger than that? Hed been raised so well, why wasnt he stronger than that?! Why was he crying?! Why? He should be able to withstand any pain! He had to be stronger than that! He there was couldnt fail! He couldnt fail anymore!
That morning Heero found he couldnt figure out how he had gotten blood all over his sheets and huge ugly cuts in his wrists. His pocketknife lay disregarded and bloody next to his bed.
Though the cuts disgusted him, he went into the bathroom and cleaned them up, perplexed. What in the world had happened last night? Did someone do this to him? If not, what else could have caused it? He certainly didnt do it to himself, he knew that much. That was disgusting and only seriously depressed, weak, stupid people did dumb shit like that, and he was none of the above, after all.
He was perfect.
He decided on a long sleeved shirt so that no one would ask him questions about the bandages until he figured out the origin of the cuts. Sure, it was nearing winter, but the winters were particularly warm in Georgia, especially this year and one normally didnt ever have to wear long sleeves.
There was a feeling of renewed confidence in Heeros being. It would be okay. He would get through this day. Everything would go smoothly. No one would think twice about it. After all, Wufei believed him so he had some back up.
He drove himself to school and walked into the building, false confidence paramount in his figure.
Well, he was a success until lunch.
But it wasnt the comments that he got at lunch that bothered him. No, he handled all those well enough, without too much pain.
It was the fact that the table across from where Wufei and he usually sat was seriously excited about something.
A new kid.
The guy from Starbucks.
Coincidence always annoyed Heero.
Wufei, Heero spoke as he glanced at the table out of the corner of his eye, do you know who that new guy is?
Eh? Wufei turned his head to look at the other table before turning it back to Heero. Yeah, real strange name like Two or Double or something like that. Supposedly hes totally hot and a real sweetie and other such girly nonsense.
Heero glanced over at him and noticed the huge braid that snaked down his back and his smooth features.
He almost looks like a woman himself....
I know. Hes probably a cocksucker. Its disgusting, Wufei growled, stabbing his food as if he was killing all the impure souls with that motion.
Yeah.... Heero murmured, staring down at his own food.
I have always wondered why humans are so quick to anger. It only causes pain.
Wufei was angry about these peoples sexual orientation. This caused pain to the people who were homosexual.
But why did he care? Heero scolded himself. He shouldnt care about such weak, filthy, disgusting people. They were the dirt under his feet.
Werent.... Werent they?
One of Heeros favorite classes.
He sat down in the almost empty room, ignored by the teacher, who usually greeted him with a smile and talked to him for a while, being as he was always early to class.
This hurt him a little, but he covered the pain.
He shouldnt be hurt by other people.
That was a weakness.
Suddenly, he heard a soft voice speak excuse me?
He turned his head to see the Starbucks worker standing in front of Mr. Henderson.
This is Mr. Hendersons Calculus room, correct?
He smiled down at the new student and nodded his head.
Yes. The only free seat is next to Heero there. Why dont you take a seat there and give me your name?
Heero felt his heart speed up as the boy walked toward him and smiled at him. He didnt know why this boy made him so nervous.
Possibly because he was so smart. Possibly because he frightened Heero by making him think.
Because he made him think about himself.
And he was left wondering where that thought even came from.
After he was settled and the first bell rang, Heero made a point of not letting this stupid boy make him nervous and turned to him.
It was then he lost all his words as their eyes met.
My Lord, his eyes are amazing... he thought as he stared into the blue violet orbs that seemed to swirl with silver like two impossibly deep whirlpools of purple magic that could easily drag him down into the undertow and drown him.
His little giggle was what pulled Heero out of his shocked state.
He shook his head and tried not to let his embarrassment show on his cheeks before speaking the simplest words he could think of.
Youre the guy from the Starbucks.
He nodded his head, still giggling lightly at Heeros eyes on his figure.
Whats your name?
My name is Duo Maxwell, he said, his voice seeming to drift through Heeros being as he repeated the name in merely a whisper on his own lips. And yours?
I...Im Heero Yuy, he replied, stumbling on the words a little in discomfiture.
It is very nice to meet you, Heero.
But weve already met. Heero mentally smacked himself after saying those stupid, foolish words.
Duo smiled. You are right. So we have.
The late bell rung and Heero turned his head away from the mesmerizing boy and to the teacher as he began class.
He decided that he would avoid this...Duo as much as possible lest he find out anymore about him.
The dismissal bell was sounded and Heero stood, gathering up his things.
Duo, a little nervous, stood too and walked up to him.
Do you drive, Heero? he asked carefully, and Heero could see how uneasy he was.
Yeah, he replied, trying not to look at the boy. He didnt want to make a fool out of himself again.
I was wondering.... Could you maybe give me a ride home please? I do not know my bus number and my car is not here yet....
Your car isnt here yet?
From where I lived in California. The people who were transporting it for me got delayed.
Heero suddenly forgot all about his decision and looked over at the pretty-boy.
He nodded his head, seeming even more nervous now that Heero was looking directly at him.
I lived there before I came here.
Where in California?
You probably have not heard of it. It was a small, nothing town. Greenville. I have never even been to Los Angles.
Oh well, um, y-yeah. Sure, Ill give you a ride, Heero agreed, mentally smacking himself and wondering how in the hell he was forming the words.
Are you sure it would not be too much trouble? I would just hate to cause trouble for you, or anyone.
No, no, Heero waved it off. Follow me.
They walked out of the school building together.
He threw his book bag in the back and unlocked the doors so that Duo could climb in.
Where are you living?
Chimney Springs, he spoke easily, looking up at Heero while he climbed into the drivers seat. Still he was nervous.
Dont worry. Im a good driver.
I am not worried about your driving ability.
You sure? You seem kind of jumpy.
Duo nodded his head.
Heero opened the sunroof and rolled down the windows of his car, switching on the radio to 99x.
He pulled out and began to wait in the ridiculously long line of cars to pull out of the high school. It was always outrageous, but he was becoming used to it by his senior year.
Why did you move here, anyway? Heero asked, trying to think of some sort of conversation.
Duo shrugged. The metropolitan area seemed appealing. Little town California can become restless.
So you moved across the country?
You dont mind leaving all your friends? I think Id be pretty pissed off at my parents if they decided to move in senior year.
Yeah, your parents, Heero replied, confused as to why he asked that question.
There is no reason to be upset with them. They have decided that, then that is what I will decide. I cannot do anything about it. I will save my anger for when there is a need for it.
Thats right, you dont get angry.
Not very often, Duo replied honestly, staring out the window, that particular comment bringing a halt to the conversation.
So Heero concentrated on the road.
Suddenly he realized that Duo was singing along with the radio. And he was doing a damn good job of it too.
You can sing?
Duo was jerked out of his thoughts and turned to Heero.
I do not know. Can I?
Sounded like it to me.
Ah. Is there anything special about this ability?
Heero blinked at him, once more confused by his questions.
Well, I suppose everyone can sing, but you can sing in tune.
In tune.... Duo repeated softly, then blushed a little. Thank you.
Heero shrugged. Its the truth.
Duo smiled, looking over at him again. See, you can be analytical too.
Just maybe not so much when it refers to your emotions.
His smirk twisted back to a thin line.
Some people believe in following their emotions.
I did not say you should not. It is only when it becomes painful should people not follow their emotions. Love, happiness, sorrow are emotions that should be lived by. Anger and hate are not. Anger causes suffering and if you live by anger, you hurt yourself and the people around you. I did not say that you could not live by your emotions, Heero, I said that you are uncomfortable with your emotions. You know, Heero, there are the people who know that they should follow their emotions, but they do not do so.
Are you saying that I am one of those people? What if my only emotion is anger?
Duo smiled innocently at him. I have yet to figure out just what all of your problems are.
Thanks, Heero bit, at least now I know Im your psychological experiment.
You are not an experiment. I just find peoples emotions and motivations highly interesting. Especially someone who thinks, Duo added near the end, almost in a teasing tone.
Do I turn right or left? Heero asked to change the conversation after he had pulled into the subdivision.
Left, Duo replied. My house number is 2729.
A little way down the road he pulled into his driveway.
What did you mean, someone who thinks? Heero asked.
Duo thanked him as he got out but stopped momentarily before he was completely out of the car and without turning to look at Heero spoke, in case you have not noticed, very few people actually think anymore. I would like very much to find someone who does. People here, they just make noise. They do not talk, there is no meaning behind their words, they just exercise their vocal chords, nothing more. You, Heero, I can hear it behind the noise that you mean. You want to think. I am just afraid you are scared that it will hurt you.
With that, he walked up to his door and shut it firmly behind him, leaving Heero slightly angered.
Of course he thought! Just what was this little bastard trying to say anyway?
Hes strange, Wufei, Heero expressed at lunch the next day. He came from some small town in California and hes just...weird. First of all, have you ever heard him use a contraction? He never uses them. Its weird. And just some of the questions he asks are...weird. Strange. Questions normal people just dont ask. And some of the things he says are just wild. Like he told me that I was afraid to think and that he thought I wanted to or something.
Why did you even bother to take him home in the first place? Wufei asked, still confused about that simple subject.
I felt bad for him because he would have to walk. After football conditioning and rowing, Id be damned to let anyone suffer.
I would have let him find his own way home, Wufei muttered, following with something that sounded like the freak.
Lunch was quiet for a few minutes before Wufei finally burst out with and just what do all those girls see in him anyway?
Heero looked up at his friend to see how terribly vexed he was and was surprised that it would annoy and frustrate him so.
I mean Jesus Christ! Theyre only drooling on him and hanging all over him! Im surprised that he can even ignore the ogling anymore! Not to mention he started to hang out with that queer Quatre. I wouldnt be surprised if that was a friendship with benefits, he spat, his face twisting in disgust with his own words.
Dont worry about it, Wufei. Hes just fresh meat to them. Thats all, Heero tried to comfort his friend, not being the kind that was able to do so very well.
Fresh meat, Wufei growled. Hes fresh meat to me, too. I beat I could beat the shit out of him.
Heero observed Wufeis lean figure. Wufei probably couldnt beat the shit out of very many people. He was an excellent fencer, but brute strength just wasnt his forte. However, he looked like he could probably beat the shit out of Duo.
Yet Heero had to wonder if there wasnt more to this Duo than would meet the eye....
As the bell rung, Heero noticed Duo blush and turned to look at him.
Heero, if it would not be too large of an inconvenience....
You want me to drive you home again?
Duo nodded his head slightly.
I dont know. Last time you told me I didnt think.
That is not what I said. I said that I thought you were afraid to think.
And theres just so much of a difference.
Heero sighed. What will you do if I dont give you a ride?
If it would be too much of an inconvenience, I will walk. Walking is not a terrible thing; I have become accustomed to it since my time on Earth. Besides, I do it every morning.
Heero gave in and growled, Its fine. Come with me. Then noticed that Duo studied his features intently.
Are you sure it is alright? I do not want to be a problem for you. I would very much rather walk if it would be too much of an ordeal to drive me.
No, Duo, its fine. You live only a mile away from my house. My house is in the subdivision right behind yours. Itll be okay until you get your car.
Duos face broke into a huge smile.
Thank you, Heero.
I might as well start picking you up too.
Well, if Im going to be your personal chauffeur, I might as well drag you everywhere.
Duo followed his footsteps meekly into the parking lot.
You do not have to do this, Heero, if you do not want to....
Look, I dont know what the hell I want so you might as well just agree before you are forced to walk everywhere, Heero broke suddenly as he unlocked the doors and climbed in, slamming the car door hard and glaring out the windshield.
Duo climbed in, apparently slightly frightened of him.
I am sorry....
Heero sighed and shook his head, trying to calm his anger and find out where that outburst came from. He hated losing control of his mouth and his body and that right then was a crack in his code of perfection. He did not like this crack.
It doesnt matter. I dont even know what I was saying.
Duo fortunately didnt press the matter with any smart remarks as Heero started the car.
About halfway through the ride, Heero rolled up his sleeves to accommodate for the warmth the day brought on.
What happened? Duo suddenly asked, lifting Heeros hand and inspecting his wrist, letting his fingertips trail around the cuts left from the previous night.
Heero quickly yanked his arm away from Duos paws and back to the steering wheel.
I fell out of a tree, Heero bit, dripping sarcasm.
Duo paused, confused. You fell out of a tree?
Duo, thats called sarcasm. I dont know what the fuck happened. Heero shook his head and muttered under his breath about stupid pretty-boys and getting himself mixed up with the idiots.
And that was when Heero saw Duos feathers the most ruffled.
I am not stupid, Heero Yuy, he spoke up, anger obvious in the undertones of his voice. I might be a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them. I may be a little ignorant, naïve, even, but stupid I am not. People who have no understanding of differences are stupid. People who have no patience for the naïve are stupid. People who cut themselves in the middle of the night are stupid. I am not stupid, he glared.
Heero was taken aback by this.
Are you suggesting that I did this to myself? he asked, appalled by such a suggestion.
Well, how else to do you suppose it came about? I do not believe you fell out of a tree, Heero, and neither do you. Just because you cannot admit something to yourself does not mean it is not there. Just because you cannot see something does not mean that it is not happening! The world does not revolve around your eyes, Heero Yuy, or your idea of right and wrong. People mess up Heero, you and I and everyone else mess up occasionally. If you can not admit that to yourself, then you are a lot worse off than I thought you were.
Well thanks, Heero spat back, upset more than angry.
Why are you upset with me? Because I told you that you are fallible? Did I offend you by saying that the world does not revolve around you? Was it the fact that I told you that you were more messed up than I first thought you were?
Heeros hands began to tremble on the steering wheel.
Did he really do it to himself? Why was Duo asking so many questions! Just let him think.... He had to think.... But he couldnt mess up! No! There was no way! There just wasnt! He had to be perfect or else he would be unworthy and he didnt want to be unworthy! He didnt want to be unworthy at all! And now...if he really cut himself up.... Why didnt he remember it? At least if he could remember it he could accept it! But he couldnt even remember doing it to himself!
What if what Duo was saying was right? What if he...what if he did fuck up? What if he couldnt control the immediate situation around him...? How would he ever find acceptance from anyone...? He...he wanted to be accepted....
Why in the hell couldnt he remember?!
It was then he felt tears trickle down his cheeks.
It was no wonder no one was interested in such a dumbass as him. Sure, hed been accepted into Harvard, but who gave a damn? He was just a number, he wasnt a person. Why should he be allowed to be a person? He would only fuck the world up further, after all, with his stupid mistakes.
Where is this blood coming from? Probably another stupid act he committed. He probably hurt himself, the dumb fuck. All he deserved was to be hurt, but no no....
Look what you did, he whispered, his cheeks now damp with quiet tears. Youre so fucking stupid, you hurt yourself. His voice was merely a gentle whisper as he repeated the words, wiping at his face with one hand and expecting to see blood there instead of just the clear wetness of salty tears.
And for some damn reason Duo was smirking. What in the hell did the boy have to smirk about?
So, Heero, what is it like to think?
Its terrible.... I did this to myself.... And it hurt so much....
He pulled into Duos driveway, no more words exchanged between them, no movements, nothing.
Heero was still in too much shock.
He drove himself home, miraculously getting there in one piece, walked past his parents and into his room and curled up on his bed and let himself cry.
>> End Part One