I like Stabbing Westward's music. Awhile back I did one to"What Do I Have To Do?" with it being a Heero angst first person POV. I liked it so much, that I decided to rewrite what I had planned for this album in the same style. These are the first 4 songs, 1/4th of the album, totally unrevised except to write in the first person pov. I don't know if it is working for this, so I'm sending these out sort of to see what reaction the assemblage has on it. If you know Stabbing Westward's music, you know it isn't happy or light.

Title: Darkest Days
Author/pseudonym: HawkeCrystal
Email address: HawkeCrystal@prodigy.net
Pairings: 1x2
Status: in progress
Date: 7/23/2000
Disclaimer: Standard, characters aren't mine, so forth and so on about please don't sue me, I'm in debt up to my eyes as it is, songs are by Stabbing Westward and belong solely to them
Warnings: angst, drug usage, co-dependency, depression, thought of suicide

~ song lyrics ~
<pov>

Darkest Days
<Heero>

~There are times when I'm just a shell~
~When I do not feel anything for anyone~

What am I anymore? With the war, I had purpose. When that ended, that purpose was gone. I was never destined to survive. I was a tool, a weapon, honed to fulfill my mission as efficiently as possible. I was trained by methods designed to destroy what humanity I possessed. At the war's end, I believed you were my salvation, that you'd restored my soul. Was I so wrong? I don't know anymore.

~All I feel is hollow and bruised~
~Used up and misused~
~Forced to be someone I don't want to be~

Lately it is like there is nothing in me, it is all empty behind my eyes. I feel as if my internal organs were slowly ripped out, my emotions stripped away with them. I had no choice in who I became, there was no decision to become a soldier, that was taken from me long ago. Until you, I never knew there was another way to live. Now though, the pain in my heart has me using that mask again, just to get through my days.

~Have I failed somehow or some way~
~Will the weight of today~
~finally pull me down to drown~
~In the depths of despair~
~Where I am alone~
~Except for my rage~

Where did it go wrong? What did I do or didn't do that has lead us to this? I try to analyze it all, going over every detail again and again, seeing our lives of the last three years, but I can make no sense of it, it hurts to much. The anguish of our current lives, the constant fighting, is there no peace? I know that the depression is overwhelming me. I feel so alone even when I'm with you. Why? How can we do this to each other? How can you do that to yourself? What can't you face? Drugs aren't an escape! My anger is rising again.

~My rage~
~My pain~
~I hate my darkest days~

Anger! The need to attack something, anything, anyone! Is this all my life is destined to be filled with now! Sight filled with red haze, I strike out at all around me then hate myself for being out of control. I have to find my control! This has to end, it is killing me, killing us, killing you.

~Everything I touch I break~
~Everything I touch I break~

I don't want to destroy you as they destroyed me, killing the light inside you. Don't destroy your own light!

 

 

Everything I Touch
<Duo>

~The more I feel~
~The more I die~

Why is this happening? Our love has been the best thing that I've ever known. You swept through me like a storm. Was it only a fire storm, a searing blaze that leaves nothing behind but charred husks? I feel as if I'm one of those remains. The hotter our relationship, the more of me that is consumed. I just needed to something to numb the pain.

~Nothing to give~
~Nothing inside~
~Everything I touch I break~
~Everything I touch I break~
~Everything I touch I break~

In the beginning, I thought you had no emotions. You were so cold. Always threatening to kill me or most others you came in contact with. Then I found the you trapped behind the mask. I gave you all that I had, trying to melt your heart. I succeeded in part. You were able to reach out to me, accept what I had, no, needed, to give. There wasn't much verbal expression but we were together and I thought it was enough. Yet now, I feel so empty. Where did I lose myself while discovering you? Should I have not pursued you? You are so angry at yourself, at the world, at me. Everyone I've ever loved has died. Did I kill you with my love as well? Your eyes used to be so alive, but nowadays, they are either dull or filled with rage. I know it is my fault. I should have realized I wasn't worthy of you and that fate would step in to shatter my self-delusions.

~I scratch and tear~
~Until it bleeds~
~I do not want~
~I only need~
~I only need~
~I only need~
~Everything I touch I break~
~Everything I touch I break~
~Everything I touch I break~

I ignored my curse thinking finally, someone strong enough to survive the blight of my existance, someone at least strong enough to outlive me. You made me want to be with you forever. Why couldn't it stay that way? I can't seem to stop worrying at you, demanding of you what I know you haven't learned to give. Why do I need more? Do I? Is it only my own self-centeredness? Why must all that touches me and my life die?

~Everything I touch I break~
~Everything I touch I break~
~Everything I touch I break~

Maybe we need to break this to survive ourselves? It's killing me knowing that I'm destroying you too.

 

How Can I Hold On (Dog Attack)
<Duo>

~Back when you were my life~
~You gave me something that I could live for~
~Now everything's changed and you're gone~
~But I'm still here waiting~

I expected to die in the war, sacrificing myself for something more valuable. Loving you, that made me want to live, to stay with you forever. You became my world. I worshipped you. I felt I'd raided heaven and stolen an angel. Then we both survived and neither of us knew how to live outside the war. We'd been involved in conflict so long we didn't know how to live in peace, so we turned on each other. Finally you left. I know you felt you had no choice. We were killing each other. You promised you'd come back, but when? I don't know where you are or when you'll be back. No one has heard from you since you packed your bags and left.

~So how can I hold on~
~With nothing to hold on to~
~Why should I hold on~
~When there's nothing to hold on to~

I don't know how to live alone anymore. If only you'd call and give me some hope, but my hope is running out. I know I never deserved you. Perhaps the reason you're gone is you realized it too. I've lost you. Why should I continue to live the hell of my life?

~Sex made me feel alive~
~But now I'm so bored with mindless passion~
~Drugs were somewhere to hide~
~But they've left me feeling cold and empty~

Once we used to make love. The sex was great, but it was more than that, it was the touches and emotions that distinguished it from rutting to relieve stress. When things started going wrong for us, we were just going through the motions. Using our bodies passions to cloak the silences between us. Were we just bored with each other? It was so easy for me to justify to myself the drugs. I thought they would supply what I needed, something to keep the darkness inside from consuming me. Their promise was just as empty as yours. They didn't keep the dark from taking you from me.

~So how can I hold on~
~With nothing to hold on to~
~Why should I hold on~
~When there's nothing to hold on to~

I hate myself. I hate my life. Useless, drug using, street rat that I am, why should anyone love me? No, you realized what a viper you'd taken to your bed. That's why you never call. Maybe drugs will come in handy afterall. I'll be able to sleep forever.

~I thought you were my friend~
~That you were someone that I could turn to~
~But now I realize~
~You were a friend when you needed something~

We were friends before we became lovers. Was it all just sex? Did I ever matter to you at all? If I did, why haven't you called me? No, you've found someone else, someone worth your love. So what do you need with a worthless whore like myself?

~So how can I hold on~
~With nothing to hold on to~
~Why should I hold on~
~When there's nothing to hold on to~

I can't stand the pain in my head and heart anymore. Dreamdust leaves me empty and cold, but at least it's better than the what I feel now. When I'm high, I no longer notice how much I hate and disgust myself.

 

Drugstore
<Heero>

~You seduced me lonely in your hell~
~Naked and hungry I crawl into your cell~
~A virtual drugstore is piled on your bed~
~I can't resist with your tongue inside my head~

I never stopped watching over you. Did my leaving do this to you? I thought that it would give us time to stop tearing each other apart, time to heal. Instead it drove you deeper into the hell of your own making. I came to see you to get you to accept help, but looking into your eyes, I couldn't resist holding you when you begged me to. It had been so long and I missed you too much. You always could get me with your voice and those looks. It takes all my will not to believe your delusions.

~How can everything be justified by you?~
~How can everything be justified by you?~

How can you do this Duo? You can't keep going this road! These drugs are killing you and me! I can't keep watching you kill youself slowly. They have their hooks in you and I don't know how to get you free.

~You get off on watching my bleed~
~You get off on feeding my disease~
~This time will be perfect you explain~
~Your tongue is deadly as a needle through my vein~

Are you so angry at me that you get pleasure from my pain? You know that I can't exist without you. The pain of being without you was destroying me faster than what we were doing to each other. You smiled when I told you that. You said that it was the same for you. Can I believe your words? Will you stop this destruction of yourself, of me, of us? I want to believe you but I fear your promises will become lies? Are we poison to each other?

~How can everything be justified by you?~
~How can my demise be justified by you?~

~I'm so tired of living for your touch~
~I'm so tired of needing you so much~

I can't fight my need of you anymore. I know you will destroy me but I'd rather die having you than from lack of you. I just want to believe in what we had and have that back again.

~How can everything be justified by you?~
~How can everything be justified by you?~
~How can everything be justified by you?~
~How can my demise be justified by you?~
~When did I decide to be crucified by you?~
~How can everything be justified by you?~
~By you...~

More and more of what I am is crumbling. When did I become so dependant on you for my very life? Why am I at fault for our pain? Is it my fault? You pointed out all my failures as if bleeding them would heal the fractures in us both.