10-16-2001

Title: `Only Time'
Author: FireHeart
E-Mail: kiss_of_silver_worlds@hotmail.com
Genre: Angst, Yaoi
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: 1x2
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! The Gundam Wing characters aren't mine, and neither is the song `Only Time'.
Warnings: Angst!!!!!
Reviews: Gods, YES!!!!!!! Please!!!! I got one review for my last fic (not that I'm complaining, I'm very thankful to the one reviewer of `Beautiful' *note: not the one recently posted on 1x2, that's by a diff author. ) so please review!!!!
Archives: If you want it, you've got it, just tell me where you plan on putting it so that I can see what else you've got :)

//la la la = song lyrics
/word/ = italics

`Only Time'

 

//Who can say
//Where the road goes,
//Where the day flows?
//Only time

Silently I slip into the unlit house. I told you I wouldn't be home until tomorrow afternoon at earliest, yet it's only midnight. Screw the missions, I know you hate the fact that I still accept them from J. Tonight I finally made the decision to leave that life behind. Now I can finally devote my entire self to you, my love. The stems of the roses in my hands are growing week from the vise-like grip I have on them. You always did like surprises….

~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~

//And who can say if your love grows
//As your heart chose?
//Only time

I remember when I first told you of my feelings toward you. Your eyes lit up so brilliantly like two majestic stars lighting the night sky and giving hope to some child who would have been lost and scared were it not for the warm light radiating above. I resolved from that moment on that I would give up everything that I own, everything that I know, everything that I am, just to keep that look upon you face for all of eternity. I could feel myself falling in love with you all over again as you excitedly told me of everything you felt. You told me of the indecision you experienced about confiding your true feelings to me, of the millions of times you had been on the verge of saying something, only to opt for silence at the last minute. It sounded so much like my own struggles, as if we were the same people living out the same experiences, pains and joys, trials and tribulations, in two separate vessels. The words `too good to be true' never crossed my mind. The part of me that had yearned for you for so long would not let doubt seep into my heart. This was real.. this was real.

I found myself simply sitting there watching you and the onslaught of emotions that crossed over your face as you revealed your soul to me. I remember that was the first night we made love. Its beauty only challenged by that of you own. I think I tried to say as much, but it only came out in a huge mess of tangled words at which you laughed and kissed me with your soft and tender lips.

It was a night I never forgot. Even in the bleakest of nights, when I can feel the physical distance between us stretching like some great void inside of my heart, a simple whisper of the memories from that night are enough to bridge that endless gap and a silent peace settles over me, reminding me that you are always there…

~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~

//Who can say why your heart sighs
//As your love flies
//Only time

I pass, an unnoticed shadow, up the stairs to our bedroom. A slight flash of light barely catches my attention before I take that last faithful step in that darkened corridor… Luckily Dandelion is more graceful than I, managing to dart from my direct path only seconds before my foot lands on her unsuspecting tail. You always did love that silly kitten. Ever since I came home that day with my arms carefully behind my back…

~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~

You came bounding out of the small door of our makeshift little home. I always feared that the unsteady little house would come crashing down on you if you ever slammed that damn door too hard, but its not like that mattered to you. Its almost like you have a sixth sense about when I'm bringing you home a present and if there's one thing I've learned in these past few years, it's not to stand between you and a potential gift.

I smiled warmly at you as you hugged me, trying to worm you arms behind my back to see what I had brought you. I laughed, easily keeping the surprise hidden behind my back where your eager hands could not quite get at it. You got that silly look on your face, the one that I always compare to a four-year-olds pout. Your bottom lip was pushed out just enough to make you seem upset. I couldn't resist claiming that adorable lip, along with its partner, in a tender kiss, halting the slew of words you had prepared in order to guilt me into just giving you the present. You, of course, were more than happy to go along with this new turn of events.

When our lips finally parted, you had that misty look to your eyes, the gift behind me easily forgotten by your dazed mind. I've always loved that look in your eyes, it makes me feel that my affections are vital to you, driving away that lingering fear that you could easily find some one else.

Smiling in mock triumph, I finally revealed the precious item I had kept hidden behind me. You eyes light up, like liquid pools of happiness solidified into a deep burning flame, at once dispelling the rest of the world, leaving just those beautiful orbs. Once again, I find myself drowning in their depths, drowning in the depths of your very soul.

The little one began to purr, at once snapping me from my blissful tumble into your heart. You snatched her from my gentle hands, bringing the tiny kitten up to your chest and hugging it with all of the energy born of pure joy.

"I know how much you like cats, so when I saw this tiny creature when I was passing the pet store, I knew she was for you" I said stumbling over the words, still not accustomed to such displays of love and affection.

"She's so perfect Heero!! I love her already!" You squealed with such vigor that I found it hard to believe that something so small could bring you this much delight.

"What's this?" you inquired examining a small wreath of flowers tied into a chain around the petite animal's neck.

"Oh… that… uhm well," I staggered along the sentence finally managing to communicate that the kitten had seemed so dazed by a patch of dandelions, which she had caught sight of along the way back home, that I thought she might like a collar made of them.

You smiled even broader than I would have thought possible, exclaiming that I was just a big lovable softie and that the kitten was just an excuse for me to pick flowers. I blushed profusely, which only fueled you giggles, as you wrapped an arm around me, leading me back to the house.

~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~

Dandelion had been such a perfect name for our, now spoiled, addition to our makeshift family. You loved and cared for her almost as much as I did, she was like the child we knew we could never really have.

//And who can say why your heart cries
//When your love lies
//Only time

As I approach the door to our bedroom, I hear muffled noises radiating from inside. Curious, I open the door just wide enough so that I can peer inside.

I see two forms, though I can't make out the second because of that damn silk canopy you insisted on. The first figure, however, I easily recognize as your self. Were my eyes useless and all I was left with was my memories, I would still be able to tell it was you, there was just something about you that allows you to stand apart from all of the other people in this world.

The two forms move and shift, oblivious to my presence in the door way. I now recognize the once muffled sounds for what they really are. My heart stops. No, not my heart. My world, my soul… my life is simply cut off, leaving me staggering for a grip onto this world. I feel a tightness in my chest that I can not shake. It halts my breathing and thankfully strangles my cry of distress, the aftershock of my heart shattering.

The bed creaks in protest, a sickening sound that causes my entire form to shake as my body attempts to gag. Each sound, each movement, each breath intensifies these appalling feelings, until I feel that I can not watch any longer for fear I truly will retch. Yet for some sick reason, unknown to me, I can not tear my eyes away. A sort of twisted half of my self laughs at my foolishness, and forces me to witness the scene before me as punishment. Punishment for believing, for trusting… for loving.

I hear you gasp in pleasure as your lover enters you. Tears itch in my eyes, intensifying with each sound you make, until the itching becomes more of a burning, one to match the one in my soul.

Some how I cannot trick myself into being angry. I could never be angry with you. I feel so worthless. You, the only person I have ever loved, have rejected me and my heart. It hurts so much that for one insane instant denial takes over trying to convince me that it is all a dream, that I shall awaken with you nestled contentedly in my arms. But the sounds that scream at my ears, and the scene that assaults my vision are too vivid to be any concoction of my subconscious.

"… my beloved tenshi...." you sigh in pleasure.

That particular moan is the breaking point, tears now stream unchecked from my blood-shot eyes. It was the name you had given me when we had first made love. You said that there was no one like me, that I was something divine, your angel, your beloved tenshi… That cynical part of my mind wonders briefly how many others you have made that declaration of love to. The pain in my chest becomes so tight that even the darker half of me is silenced.

Using this brief moment of stillness within myself, I quickly retreat from the doorway. Staying there was only giving myself weapons with which to make the well of self pity forming in my heart, deeper. I swallow the lump in my throat as best I can. The darkness around me is no longer blinding. I can make out everything in the unlit corridor with dreadful precision. But it is not the characteristics of this particular hall that stand out to me now. It is, more accurately, the memories each spot harbored. The emotions that were captured into the physical from of a stain on the carpet, or a scuff on the nearby wall.

I push away all of the memories that are beginning to assault my mind. They were a last ditch effort of my subconscious to distract myself from the scene going on in our bedroom. No, it's no longer simply /our/ bedroom, it belongs to you and your midnight companions now. I hold no more claim to it than a stranger passing by on the sidewalk outside.

My body begins to move toward the stairs, feet traveling in a sure and direct path. My face however bears no such confidence. I know that I must look confused, I have no idea where it is I am going, but I resign to letting my physical self take me where it may. Soon I find myself outside, my figure stopping abruptly as if its ethereal energy had suddenly been snatched from it. I stare around dumbfounded for a few moments, then with a sigh, I turn back to your house. It seems so dark and cold, as if it had known all along about its inhabitant's secrets, yet no longer bothered to care.

When my mind finally regains enough strength to form coherent thoughts, it turns, predictably to you, my love. A great feeling of loss comes over me, not a loss of this house, or even the many impassioned nights I had spent in your arms. The loss is, instead, directed towards much simpler things… Your smile, your tears, your compassion, your dreadful determination. All of these are lost to me, forever. Yet the one thing that shall never stop haunting me, the one thing that I shall long for even while I slumber is the pure emotion that had effortlessly poured out of two violet eyes…

//Who can say when the day sleeps
//if the night keeps
//all your heart

I gather all of my frustration, all of my sadness, every last drop of emotion within my being… and I run. Time loses meaning to me, I simply don't care anymore. The night stretches on before me, darkness retreating only to allow my lithe form to bound through its veil, before once again enshrouding the path. Tears are shed and then torn from my face by the sheer force of the wind that freezes my body now. I don't feel any of this though. All I feel is that one patch on my body where you would snuggle against me every night, that part of me which burned with a vengeance whenever I was separated from you. The feeling consumes me and once again I find myself choking for breath. I let out a terrible howl, it would have frightened or appalled even me were I not in this condition. It was a hoarse, cold proclamation of utter despair.

Some part of me knew what lay ahead, but I had silenced all voices within myself. Unconsciously wanting it to be this way. That sick twisted part of me eventually broke free of my determined control and let out a dreadful cackle of delight as the ground below me disappeared, replaced by the cold night air. The wind tore at my from as I plummeted towards the ground. I whispered one simple message to you my love, one only the indifferent night heard. It seemed to burn my lips, causing a final flow of tears to cascade down my face…

"I love you Duo Maxwell, and I'll be waiting for you to come home to me…"

//Night keeps all your heart…

 

~Author's notes:
*ducks under her desk* gomen for the second evil fic, but `Beautiful' left my poor Duo dead and Heero as the evil baddy, so I had to write this to reconcile things, but I guess this doesn't quite equal out huh? Anyway, I'm still gonna do the `Flavor of the Week' songfic, but this was in my muse's agenda ^-^ btw: I love angst fics, but I haven't read very many lately (cept for `Clover' and `Good to the Last Drop' which was absolutely amazing, but I couldn't review cuz I had waaaaaay too many e-mails as it was ^-^;) so if you could recommend any, I'd love to read `em!