Title: Loser (songfic challenge)
Author: Duoette
Pairing: 1x2
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Warnings: angst
//song lyrics//


//Breathe in right away, nothing seems to fill this place//

I swallow ten pills. Dry. Then I take a shaky breath. There’s a stab of pain in my stomach, but the tremors wracking my body begin to subside. The hole that you ripped in my soul seems to fade, grow less painful.

//I need this every time, take your lies off my case//

This happens every time you leave. How many times has it been? I’ve lost track. If I ever counted. You don’t even bother to make excuses anymore, just screw me and then leave. And then I take the fix. But it takes more to keep the pain away now.

//Someday I will find, a love that flows through me like this.//

I thought I loved you. Maybe I do. Having sex with you is a better high than all the drugs in the world. But it’s a hell of a crash when you leave. And you always leave.

//This will fall away, this will fall away//

A dreamy lassitude spreads through me. I test the edges of my wound, thinking of the past, and how we got this way. My consciousness recedes, sensation...falls away.

//You’re getting closer, to pushing me off life’s little edge//

I tried to kill myself the first time you left, but I was still too full of hope. Now I guess that I’m just...too tired to try.

//’Cause I’m a loser, and sooner or later you know I’ll be dead.//

I look at the bruises on my arms. You were rougher tonight. I was unconscious when you left. Someday you might kill me.

//You’re getting closer, you’re holding the rope and I’m taking the fall.//

I wonder what it would be like to be dead. It can’t be any worse than life. It’s funny, I’ve sent so many people beyond, you’d think that I’d have some sort of idea about what it’s like, but I’ve never thought about it. Not really.

//’Cause I’m a loser, I’m a loser. Yeah.//

Huh. Pretty strange, ne? The God of Death never thought about death. Guess I really am the baka you’re always calling me.

//This is getting old, I can’t break these chains that I hold.//

I’m getting so tired. Tired of life, tired of this. But I can’t let you go. I’m bound to you, body, mind, heart, and soul. I can’t let you go.

//My body’s growing cold, there’s nothing left of this mind or my soul.//

You’re not here, my body’s shivering. But my mind’s not linked to this shell anymore. You’ve brought me to too many heights and depths, they can’t connect. I can’ seem to do anything but think of you. My hands start to shake.

//Addiction needs a pacifier, the buzz of this poison is taking me higher.//

Longing for you even penetrates this drug-induced haze. I down ten more pills, then ten more. a normal man would’ve died from the first ten. But then I’m no longer a man, am I? Gods, you’re worse than any drug. I know I’m addicted to you, this craving cuts into my soul.

//This will fall away. This will fall away.//

The numbness spreads. I manage to take a handful more pills. I can’t count anymore. And now my head falls back. It takes so much effort to move.

//You’re getting closer, to pushing me off life’s little edge.//

Gods, I’m such a loser. My mind scrolls backwards in time, each mistake I ever made seems to sear its way into my soul. Everything I could have done to make you love me. I’m such a loser.

//’Cause I’m a loser, and sooner or later you know I’ll be dead.//

But I’m slipping farther than I ever have before. The numbness spreads, although more pain stabs my stomach. Oh, I must be dying. Oops. How careless of me. I wonder what you will do? It’s all right that I’m dying. I don’t mind. After all, I’m just a loser.