2-7-2002

Title: Sufferance
Warnings: Angst, POV, OOC/AU?
Pairings: None
Author: SdstcOne
Disclaimers: Don't Own, Don't Sue, Don't Ask, Don't Tell

 

I don't know why I continue living; pain, sufferance, agony, loneliness is all I know. As each day passes the winds become colder, the sun dims, and I fade away like an ebbing tide. The fate handed down to me, the cruelest punishment, fills my mind and heart with sorrow.

Is this how it feels to be a ghost trapped in the living world? Reaching out, screaming at the top of your lungs only to go unnoticed, unheard? That is what my life has become, no one sees me, only through me like an apparition that isn't there.

Even my `friends' live their lives without me…

The apartment is so quite, the walls don't speak or talk back to you. Sounds crazy? Well then again, I never did say I was sane in the first place. What is a person to do when he has been cut off from the world, or ripped away from everything…?

Death…

Such mercy isn't bestowed upon a person like me, and I won't be granted the release I so desperately crave. Not from lack of thinking about it…

Oh I have, even gone as far as holding the pills in my hand and the knife to the side.

I ask myself once again, what is the point of continuing? Is this what Fate is trying to tell me? My usefulness is over, so now I'm not needed…wanted…loved, so to just end it all?

A scowl darkens my features; if only I still had my gun then I could fix everything.

Everything is relative, or so they say but I've found one constant in life, my life…

Pain.

Heh, though one thing I never was conditioned for was the emotional side of it. That is the agony that'll kill you, slowly eating away at your soul, mind, and heart. In the beginning, it felt like `they' had ripped open my chest, and dug out my heart with a dull teaspoon…

Now….Words can not describe what I feel.

 

The sun looks dull and soiled with black blood…I wonder….would my blood still be the red it should be…

Pariah, that is what I've become, even to the only four that mattered to me. My worthless self isn't good enough for them now, not that I ever was.

I pull a blanket over my shoulders, it is cold always so cold…when did the warmth leave? Or is it shunning me like humanity has?

 

Light, Colour, Warmth; they've all left me in dismal darkness. But I shouldn't complain, right? It is my path, one of darkness and thorns, solitude is what I know.

But why? Why am I alone, doesn't anyone care?

No.

No one does….

Wufei….

Quatre….

Trowa…

Heero…

Why am I suffering?

 

 

OWARI