delirium81@hotmail.com

 

Pre-warning warning: Lurker, 3 am ideas, response to Wedding challenge. Pink thoughts, read some weird American comics, failed attempts at sleep. I humbly beg your forgiveness.
Title: What Kind of Wedding??

Author: Del/erin, the eternally confused girl

Rating: PG

Pairings: 1(+,x,?)2, 3x4/4x3

Category: shounen ai, possibly hinted yaoi

Archive: . . . . [Plagiarism is a quality I find repulsive. I personally don't care if you take my work, but I get very offended when you take other people's. I'm just weird like that]

Warnings: Comedy, Relena bashing, slightly covert but not really. Wedding, pink, shounen ai/ yaoi. Slight self insertion, three AM thinking. Grudging Wufei affection. Lack of medication. Drinking, speculation as to whether or not it is under-aged, inanity. Almost Duo POV. Duo torture, death [[just kidding]] strange sense of humour. . . the list gets longer if you think about it.

DISCLAIMERS: Don't own the G-boys, or any other movie/TV shows I may make reference to, I don't own Pepto-bismol either. . . Hunt my blood at your own discretion, I can't be held responsible for any injuries you may or may not incur whilst reading this piece of drivel.

NOTE: bit of a parody really, saving for the fact that I'm so bad at writing funny. . . only black comedy for me. . .and satire. . sarcasm maybe. . .
Flames are appreciated, so are C&Cs. Think I'm nuts? I think flames are hilarious, I don't have a flames page but think of the possibilities. [it's almost more ominous than "nothing" from God . . .]

[..........] = thoughts. . .my thoughts
/........../ = Duo's thoughts
[#] = handy comments
". . ." = dialogue
. . .= stuff I forgot, any questions, just ask

What Kind of Wedding??!

 

Duo Maxwell couldn't believe this was happening.

Well, maybe he could just a little, only. . . he'd never expected to be on this end of the bargain. this was one of those spur-of-the-moment-insane ideas he would have come up with and executed. . .not the ever stoic Heero Yuy. At least, that's what he thought.

Maybe this was just some weird dream and he would wake up very happy or disappointed [because the possibilities were really very interesting if you thought about it. . .only Heero would probably regret this in the morning] or, maybe, this was one of those AU caveman crossover fics.

At least that's what Duo thought while hanging unceremoniously over the shoulder of Heero Yuy wearing some sort of Pepto-bismol-pink dress. . .[1]

Let's back up a little and explain what Duo now remembers as being one big blur.

You see, it had started out as a nice night, Duo and the other four Gundam pilots had joined each other in their monthly after the war get together. This was a time where they cast off previous inhibitions, picked sketchy locations and had an all out drunken orgy. . .well not an orgy per say, at least, not in the sense that most of you are thinking. They did get drunk though.

Maybe the problem, in this case, was that some people got more drunk
than usual. Or, maybe, it was simply this month's location which
would mean it was Duo's fault or maybe. . .

Point in fact it was sort of Duo's fault, but we'll get to that.

This month certain pilots were having more difficulty than usual ditching certain clingy fangirl-type political figures. [2] Helpful as always, Duo had picked a sketchy location that he was certain five interestingly diverse G-boys would be able to fade into the crowd [and what a crowd]. Vegas should do the trick.

So they had spent the evening [and their money] relatively undisturbed by clingy fangirl-type political figures, vile house mates, relatives, or bloodthirsty religious groups. This, they found, was quite a relief.

The events of the evening progressed thus:
They met at a bar to go bar-hopping because the bar they met in was not nearly as colourful as it could have been given their state of sobriety. At this particular checkpoint, it was decided that Heero Yuy would be the designated driver as perfect soldiers do not imbibe in alcohol. This settled, they hoped in their inconspicuous car, rented under an inconspicuous name and started the night.

Three bars later, it was decided that, perhaps, the Perfect Soldier wouldn't be the designated driver after all because, as he declared after buying another round of drinks, he wanted to try his had at being the Perfect Civilian. Duo had choked on his beer and decided they would need to relocate to another bar because Heero had been at this one too long.

So they piled into the car and Wufei was the designated driver. Wufei who had touched not a drop of alcohol. Wufei who seemed to be encouraging the. . .no, Duo was imagining things. They looked for another bar, that is, Duo looked. Heero was too drunk, Wufei was driving and Trowa and Quatre seemed to be engaged in life's finer pursuits. Maybe the next bar was the source of the problem, or maybe assuming that his fellow Gundam pilots weren't plotting against him was. . . it wasn't all that clear.

He did remember that, after ordering drinks and. . well. . drinking for a while, the other inhabitants of this bar had started to notice them. That is to say, four drunk G-boys, to say nothing of Wufei, had attracted their attention. This attention ignored the Wufei, passing it off as harmless, it ignored the being that had become Trowa/Quatre. . .that left Heero and Duo. It decided it liked Heero.

"HI!" It had a very high pitched voice.

Duo became sober very fast.

"Hi!" It said again, sticking it's hand out for Heero to shake, "You're kinda cute."

Heero just stared blearily at the hand, it looked like two hands. Nope, make that four. Heero didn't know which one to shake. It pouted. Then it smiled, then it sat down. Duo decided he didn't like that smile.

It scooted closer to the drunk bishounen. Duo decided he didn't like that at all and "accidentally" moved to spill his drink saving for the fact that Wufei caught his arm. No, he didn't like the look Wufei was giving either.

And then things progressed. Soon the thing had Heero and Duo involved in a drinking game over Heero. . . or something. And something that involved a pink dress. . . the details were hazy and. . .

"Ahem."

"Yes, Wufei?"

"Onna, the. . .thing. . .was trying to get Heero in a dress."

"A pink dress?"

"Yes."

"How horrid."[3]

So, the thing was trying to get Heero in a dress. They were all quite drunk by this point, but Heero still wasn't going for the dress. Actually, by this point, Heero was much more interested in seeing Duo in said dress and Duo, being punch drunk and willing to do anything that would divert Heero's attention from that. . .thing happily obliged.

Then Trowa/Quatre became Trowa and Quatre again, one of whom giggled and mentioned something about getting married, it was hard to tell which was which at this point because, when drunk, even the most stoic person will giggle. Unless they're those sobbing drunks. There was one of those too, but he had been thrown out of the bar at around 1:30. Bartenders noticed that these sort of people were bad for business, people tended to get sober very quickly and or leave, fun ended when the crying began. Come to think of it. . .Wufei was a sobbing drunk, maybe that was why. . .

The point was, however, that Duo was now in a Pepto-bismol-pink dress, very drunk, and one of the entities that made up Trowa/Quatre had mentioned weddings. Heero then got that mission look in his eye and Duo found himself dangling from a shoulder and marched [or carried] out the door.

All he could think of now was /Where the hell are we going to find someone to marry us at three in the morning?/ Well, that was one of the things he was thinking. He was also thinking something about humiliation, pink dresses, tomorrow and sober Heero Yuys and the Christian Coalition filtering through Disney movies frame by frame to find things they could misinterpret by artists who secretly wish they were Tyler Dirden.[4]

At any rate, this is where we left off. We, of course, failed to mention that, after the initial bout of shock wore off, Duo had protested. . .but not too much and lack of muscle coordination wasn't helping any. Aside from that trivial detail, Heero had a following; three other G-boys and the. . .thing who was very confused, but liked Heero so. . .

Why Heero picked an Elvis-let's-get-hitched type location was beyond Duo. Of course, a lot of things were beyond Duo at this point. But, he was absolutely certain that Heero normally would not have tolerated Elvis. HE didn't like Elvis. Duo felt like he was going to cry and was now only slightly mollified by the realization that he had just spent a goodly amount of time staring at Heero Yuy's ass.

The Elvis was more than happy to marry the two of them. . .for about fifty bucks. Let's just say it wasn't a really lavish wedding. We're about to catch the important part anyway.

Thus the King spake, "Do you. . ."

"Heero."

"Do you, Heero, take. . .

"Duo," Duo slurred. He wasn't sure why he was being cooperative, but he didn't mind, not really.

"Duo to be your lawfully wedded ah. . ."

"Wife?" Heero asked hopefully.

At his side Duo spoke up, "Don't push you luck, whether or not you are the seme is still open to speculation."

Heero looked properly apologetic.

"Definitely a wife," said the Elvis.

Duo made a noise of protest while the peanut gallery giggled and the thing looked confused.

The Elvis coughed, "So, uh, do you, Heero, take Duo to be your lawfully wedded. . .house mate?"

The Elvis was going for PC, he had heard it was highly fashionable these days. Gay weddings weren't PC, but he wasn't a fan of bloodthirsty religious groups either. He had heard they burned Elvises at the stake, of course, that might have been a rumour."I do." Heero said, while indulging in a touchingly tender moment with Duo who was wondering if the look in his eyes was due solely to the alcohol or if he really meant it. He hoped it was the later.

The Elvis beamed, "Do you, Duo, take Heero to be your lawfully wedded house mate?"

"I do," Duo said, smiling up at Heero.

It was so cute the Elvis decided he would get in character and speak the necessary bit you were supposed to speak in a real wedding, "If they-ah is anyone-ah hee-ah who believes these two should not be joined in holeh matrimoneh, speak now or forevah hold your peace."[5]

Suddenly there was a great deal of commotion as a very angry entity-formerly-known-as-thing cast off its disguise and screamed a big whopping. . .

"MMMPH?"

It would have been something along the lines of "Heero, I thought you loved me!" Or "NOOOOOOO!" but Wufei was quick and the muffled "????" wasn't very loud. Now the audience is aware of the nature of this creature and is wondering how the hell no one had noticed she was there [but understanding why the dress she produced was a nauseating pink]. While the author is not always the first to give Wufei credit, she will do so here. . .with difficulty. . .rationalizing it with the fact that he was the designated driver and, therefore, not drunk. Trowa/Quatre shook its head at the Elvis's question and the Elvis beamed [or leered, Elvis is an alien as far as the author is concerned].

"You may now kiss your future house mate!"

And they did, ignoring the scream of a scorned clingy fangirl-type political figure, because they were much more interested in figuring out who was more dominant in a less X-rated manner; tonsil hockey. The moment was really quite endearing. Two boys lost in sensation while a very shrill voice filled an area that had fairly decent acoustics. It was really very sweet.

Until. . .

"Dammit, that noise is really ruining the mood."

"Hn," spake the Braided Baka to the Soldier of Perfection, roles having temporarily reversed, the author not being cruel enough to have them switch bodies to spare Heero the humiliation of holding residence in a body encased in Pepto-bismol-pink; something that Duo was definitely going to regret in the morning.

Somehow they all got home, although, nobody is precisely certain what happened to Relena. Sources say that she was last seen in a bar, where someone who "appreciated" her picked her up. She was apparently willing to wear a pink dress.

Duo, however, woke in a bed that was decidedly quite warm. Since he normally woke up cold, this lead him to wonder. Since he normally woke slowly. . .not so much. He did know for certain that he had a fantastic hangover and remembered something about Heero, a pink dress, weddings, and the Christian Coalition. . .but not necessarily in that order. Then it dawned on him.

He thought of screaming, he really did, until the other form on the bed shifted and started nibbling on his ear. He forgot about his hangover, then. Come to think about it, he forgot a lot of things. His last coherent thought for a while was something alluding to the idea that Darwin had obviously not studied chaos theory.[6]

 

[1] Yes, I do believe this could be classified as Duo torture, but not the angst filled kind. Personally, I prefer Wufei spoof torture. . . Just think of the hideous pink as a remnant of my theatre days and curse the costumers.[a]

[a] Pink is the most threatening colour in existence, black is the most comforting. . .I did tell them this at one critique. . .they thought *my* work was scary. . .

[2] . . . think pink . . .limo. . .clothing. . .even kidnaped, her accommodations managed to be pink. . .get the picture

[3] A word for pansies unable to say "horrible."

[4] Mischief, mayhem, soap.

[5] Decided difficulty representing the unique way an Elvis speaks. . . fascinating, I must study this. . .

[6] Darwin. . .Survival of the Fittest. My general theory is that Duo should have survived that ordeal. Drunkness does not imply fitness.

Oh well, general plea for comment and criticism. Flames too. There is a song stuck in my head and a fragment of it says "Psycho killer qu'est-ce que c'est," just thought you should know.