Pre-warning warning: Lurker, 3 am ideas, response to Gladiator. . .failed attempts at sleep, dislike for anachronisms. [I kinda liked the movie, but not nearly enough, the anachronisms ruined it for me]. I humbly beg your forgiveness.
Rating: mostly harmless [just like Earth]
Category: shounen ai hints
Archive: . . . .
Warnings: Comedy, movie review. . . bad.
DISCLAIMERS: Don't own the G-boys, Hunt my blood at your own discretion,
I can't be held responsible for any injuries you may or may not incur whilst
reading this piece of drivel.
[likes the idea of making the Offspring disclaimer into a fic disclaimer, but someone already did that and a big thumbs up to that someone]
NOTE: bit of a parody really, saving for the fact that I'm so bad at
writing funny. . . only black comedy for me. . .and satire. . sarcasm maybe.
This is actually a doujinshi script. I had to write it after I saw Gladiator. I'm sorry all you Gladiator fans, you will see why. If you liked the movie, don't read this. On second thought, do. . . I wasn't planning on posting it until after I'd scanned it in, but life isn't fair. You'll see the finished product later, so will my beta readers. The whole thing's pretty self explanitory. Enjoy. Flames are appreciated, so are C&Cs. Think I'm nuts? I think flames are hilarious, I don't have a flames page but think of the possibilities. [it's almost more ominous than "nothing" from God . . .]
[..........] = page, panel, picture description
Cover: Heero and Duo dressed in school uniforms. Duo, from behind Heero with his elbow on Heero's shoulder and Heero glowering at him. . .so. . .kawaii. . smack!]
[Intro Page: Pre-review]
[Heero and Duo stand in front of projection screen, Duo looks uneasy about handing the pointer to Heero, who will be reviewing the movie]
Duo: Oi! Heero, I'm not sure I want you reviewing this one. You have to admit some of the fight scenes --
Heero: --were lacking. [deadpanning and trying to tug the pointer out of Duo's hand]
Duo: [pouting, still has a deathgrip on the pointer] well, they can't replicate ALL of the violence onscreen. . .
Heero: Duo? [looking into his eyes]
Duo: Yes, Heero [looking back]
Heero: [still searchingly looking into Duo's eyes] Would you mind giving me the pointer?
Movie Reviews with Heero and Duo!
Today's Feature: Gladiator
Heero: [standing in front of projection screen] As a historical representation, this movie was a failure. . . Duo?
Duo: [off screen] Ha-ai! *fx*whiirr
Heero: [waiting for projection to show up] The tip of the iceberg was the movie's representation of military innovations--
Duo: [off screen] or misrepresentation!
Heero: Hn, baka.
Heero: [off screen, pointer indicating a horse with rider, pointer indicates stirrup] As you can see, the rider is seated on the horse. . .in stirrups. Roman calvary rode bareback, therefore the presence of stirrups is incorrect.
Duo: [off screen] Why can't we just enjoy the movie?
Heero: [glaring dangerously at the camera] Anachronisms must be eliminated.
Duo: [sweatdrops (possibly SD)]
Heero: [standing to the side of the screen and pointing at a man firing the longbow] Next you will note the use of the longbow. At this time, archers were used sparsely and they did not use longbows.
Heero: [off screen, while we focus on the picture of the man straining with the longbow] The longbow had not been created and was not used in battle, at least not dominantly, until the Battle of Agincourt.
Duo: [off screen also] Come on, Hee-chan, they at least got the tortoise formation right.
Heero: Next projection.
Heero: [gesturing toward another picture, this one containing a man in armour, some of it mail] You will note the figure is wearing what is mistakenly referred to as chain mail by RP gamers.
Duo: [off screen] Not this old grudge again.
Heero: [glaring at Duo (still off screen)] Mail armour was not in existence, the Romans never used it. They would have used leather or beaten bronze.
Duo: [off screen] Oi! You forgot to mention the helmets were wrong!
Heero: [standing by projection screen pointing at text] Before Duo reviews the craft of this production, I will point out the problems with the historical background.
Firstly, the idea that gladiators had been banned from Rome by any emperor is absurd as is the idea that Rome had not seen soldiers in years. Rome was, after all, under martial rule.
Secondly, Marcus Aurelius died of natural causes, still quite a long way from conquering half of what they gave him credit for. His son, Comodus, had been proclaimed heir long before this time and was, therefore, not insecure about his position. His mental health, however, is open to speculation.
This last and most important factor, would have nullified the plot line.
Duo: [standing in front of a chalkboard, pointing] The terms "Sire" and "Highness" were not used to address the emperor, that came later. Hee-chan, can you play the movie?
Heero: [off screen] Hn
Duo: [Referring to the screen, which has magically appeared beside the chalkboard, on the screen is Russell Crowe who sports at least two days growth on his chin]
Then there is the simple matter of hygiene here Romans were clean shaven, they saw a barber every morning.
Duo: [looking sad] Beards. The Greeks had beards. . .
Duo: [referring to screen. An arena is depicted, but the walls have spikes] Aw, man, this is a no no. That would make wholesale slaughter too easy. The fight would be over before it had started. Do you think the crowd would like that?
Heero: [off screen] It saves time.
Duo: [sweatdrop] Heero forgot to mention the presence of the both the crossbow and the mace in this film which, needless to say, are somewhat anachronistic. . .
Duo: [hands on hips, looking determined] Alright, so, now I get to have my say. The script was very touching, well written, although I think the writer wished he was Shakespeare. As for artistic details. . .
Duo: What was up with that floaty thing??! I kept thinking "light as a feather stiff as a board--"
Heero: [off] Duo.
Duo: [rubbing head sheepishly] All in all, Hee-chan and I agree, they might have been more successful if they had done a remake of Sparticus. Then, they wouldn't have had to shift history around.
[Duo and Heero walking, backs to us]
Duo: Ne. .. Heero?
Duo: I think we'd be better off watching something that doesn't concern history next time.
Heero: [turned toward Duo] Why?
Duo: [still turned away] Because, man, it's no damn fun watching movies when all you hear is---
Heero: Duo. ..
[no panel, free float]
[Heero and Duo shadows, walking, back to viewer]
Duo: Yeah yeah, I know.