Weep Not for My Bleeding Lonely Heart When Darkness Casts Out the Golden Light of Day

OR

Gundam Wing Slash-O-Rama!

Written By: Courtney Via

Legal Disclaimers: Gundam Wing does not belong to me. All characters are used and abused without their owners' permission. No Gundam pilots were permanently scarred in the writing of this fanfic. All suspects are straight until proven fruity . . . with the possible exception of Trowa and Quatre, who are practically canon, know what I mean? Eh? Nudge nudge, wink wink.

WARNINGS: Everything. And we do mean everything. Preggie Duo, Evil Relena, you name it. This story is a parody of slash-fics. All events and plot devices are in excrementally bad taste. Persons opposed to ridiculous pairings and gratuitous angst should take lots and lots of illegal drugs while reading this story, so that they can ignore the content and see pretty colors coming up off the page. Not recommended for children under 3. Made in the USA.

**********

Somewhere in the Sank Kindom . . .

A pensive and anxious sun rose thoughtfully over the mysterious mountains of the southwest. Heero Yui gazed out over the golden hues which slowly enveloped the land, contemplating his angst. He was a Gundam pilot, trained to be stereotypically stoic and emotionless, cold as ice and hard as . . . er . . . anyway, he was not supposed to let his emotions influence him, even under the most dire of circumstances. And yet he still could not suppress his feelings for Duo Maxwell. Merely being close to the other pilot sent his heart beating madly against his chest, completely out of control with the strength of his desire. What could he do? What could he do??

A soft sigh from behind him brought Heero back to reality. He turned to see Duo standing in the doorway to the balcony, his long hair drifting lazily in the breeze. Duo rarely wore his hair down, but when he did, it was always around Heero. Heero liked to think that it was Duo's own special way of letting him into his world.

"Duo."

Duo smiled and blushed. "Ohayou, He-chan. It's a beautiful morning, ne?"

Not as beautiful as you, Duo-chan, Heero thought. He started to say something else, but he was caught off-guard by the sudden sadness which passed over Duo's face. "Duo–what's wrong?"

The other pilot quickly cast his gaze to the floor. "Nothing," he mumbled.

Heero gritted his teeth. If only he could express his love to Duo, to comfort him! He swallowed and walked closer. "Duo . . . you can tell me."

"It's just . . ." Duo trailed off, and for a moment, Heero feared that Duo would once again close himself off, and that this would be yet another one-shot story where they were confined to talking instead of boinking. But then Duo continued, "Mornings like this always make me remember my life as a child on the street, when I would watch the sun rising from the alleyways, or from the . . . Heero, there's something I have to tell you."

"What?" Oh, beloved . . . can you bear to open your heart to me?

Duo took a deep breath. "When I lived on the streets, I did whatever I had to survive. I stole, I lied . . . I sold myself."

Heero gasped. "Duo–!"

"Yes, Heero," Duo said, nodding sadly. "I was . . . a man-whore."

 

Meanwhile, at the Oz Romefeller Sphere Alliance of White Fang and Call of the Wild . . .

Treize gazed at Sex Merquise–whoops! Freudian slip!–Zechs Merquise with hungry and sorrowful eyes. "Why, Zechs?" he asked, his body tense. "Why have you decided to turn against me and destroy the world? Is it because of what you saw while piloting Epyon?"

"Yes," Zechs lied. Oh, Treize-sama, he thought mournfully. Can you not see how much I love you? That I can't stand to be near you as long as you are with Une? Oh, Treize-sama . . . how I want you in my heart . . . and in my pants. "Goodbye, Treize," Zechs said aloud. "I am sure that we will meet again." He turned to leave.

"No!" Treize shouted. "You can't go! We have so much to say, so much to do, so many long looks and excessive and forced sexual tension caused by fangirls who like to think about two men getting it on! Oh, Zechs-chan . . . I love you!"

And in that instant, Zechs felt more pleasure than he had in a thousand threesome slash-fics. He was loved! By Treize! Yea–in his very bosom, he was fulfilled!

 

And at that very instant . . .

Wufei drove toward the headquarters of the Oz Romefeller Sphere Alliance of White Fang and Call of the Wild, his jaw set in an angry line. He was a man on a mission, and that mission was, as always, to kill Treize Khushrenada. Ever since Treize had beaten him in that sword fight, Wufei had had an overwhelming urge to confront Treize once more and triumph over him. He couldn't explain his strange compulsion, save for the fact that the thought of someone else's sword being more powerful than his was oddly disturbing.

Irritated, he popped a tape into his car's cassette player, hoping that it would relax him before he got to the ORSAWFCW base.

"Welcome to Session Two of Freudian Psychotherapy for Warriors," said the voice on the tape. "How are we feeling today?"

"Conflicted," Wufei answered. "And still fixated on my sword."

"Good," the tape replied. "Now, repeat after me. I understand that much of my warlike desire comes from suppressed libido."

"I understand that much of my warlike desire comes from suppressed libido."

"I must free my libido in order to eliminate anxiety."

"I must free my libido in order to eliminate anxiety."

"My sword is just an extension of my penis, which is why I feel compelled to poke stuff with it."

"My sword is just a . . ." Wufei stopped and frowned. "Ew."

 

Back in Angst-World.

Heero squinted at Duo. "You were a man-whore?!"

Duo nodded. "The best. I could turn more tricks in one night than David Copperfield."

"Um . . . yeah," Heero mumbled. "Did you, um, do men, too?"

"He-chan, I think we both know the answer to that," Duo returned softly. His eyes searched Heero's face. The other pilot did NOT look happy. "Please, He-chan," Duo begged, grabbing Heero by the arms. "Tell me it's all right. Tell me it doesn't matter. Please, Heero!"

"Oh, Duo . . ." Heero sighed. "I do love you . . . and it doesn't matter what you did in the past–it really doesn't. I only want you to be happy."

"Great!" Duo exulted. "Because, see, we were a little behind on the rent for this month, so I whored myself down on the corner to pay for it! You should have seen me, Heero–I looked so cute–little black hot pants and a sparkly mesh top . . . damn, I'm fine."

Heero's face did a series of remarkable acrobatic contortions upon hearing this new little tidbit of information. "You . . . whored yourself . . . for the rent??" he repeated.

"Well, I had to, He-chan. They would have taken the apartment." Duo grinned and struck a pose. "You should come with me sometime–we'd really rake in the bucks. Heero?"

"Ghhh."

"Heero, are you okay? You look a little upset." Duo put his hand on his partner's shoulder. "It really isn't as bad as you–"

"DON'T TOUCH ME, BITCH!" Heero bellowed. He smacked Duo and stomped off.

Duo made a face and put his hands on his hips. "Well!" he grumbled. "I'm glad I didn't tell him how I made the car payment."

* * *

Trowa and Quatre were busy picking out their china pattern when Heero stomped by on the way to his room. Quatre raised his eyebrows. "I wonder what that was about."

Trowa shrugged. "Must've found out about the man-whore thing."

"Ah. Say no more." Quatre went back to looking at the patterns. "What do you think of the floral border?"

Trowa wrinkled his nose. "Too girly."

* * *

Wufei entered the ORSAWFCW compound with no trouble, thanks to his brand-new bootleg ORSAWFCW employee badge. Silently, he crept across the grounds until he came to the main building, where he knew Treize would be hiding. But where–there! There he was!

Wufei's blood boiled as he watched Treize and Zechs embracing through the window. How dare that bastard Treize be happy when he had caused Wufei so much grief? This was it, the last straw, the final . . . uh . . . straw! He would destroy Treize once and for all!

And he might as well whack that pansy-ass Zechs Merquise while he was here.

With a crescendo of dramatic music, Wufei crashed through the window, hit the ground, fell over, and bonked his head on the coffee table in a shower of glass and curse words. Zechs and Treize gasped and jumped back, staring at the tremendously stupid boy who had just come hurtling through the window in a tank top.

"You!" Treize said.

"You!" Wufei said back. He drew his sword. "I will kill you!"

"No!" Zechs exclaimed. He drew his own sword, desperately trying to ignore the overt phallic symbolism, and lunged for Wufei. "Treize-sama is mine!"

"Um, Zechs? I'm perfectly capable of defending myself against a fifteen-year-old," Treize pointed out.

Zechs glared at him. "Treize–do you want to make it to the third plot point or not?"

"Okay, okay. Whatever. Eek. Defend me, Zechs-chan."

"No more words!" Wufei yelled. His blade crashed against that of the Lightning Count, and a bolt of electricity rushed up the sword and through the young pilot's body. Zechs felt the same thing. Astonished, they stared at each other.

"Zechs . . ." Wufei began.

"Wufei . . ." Zechs returned. "Your skills are incredible."

Wufei suddenly found himself standing knee-deep in the middle of an epiphany. "Zechs-sama!" he exclaimed. "Even though it is wrong and disturbing and totally illegal, I feel the fires of passion igniting in my heart! Your bravery and fighting ability have opened the door to love–and I now realize that my fight with Treize caused the same thing between him and me–a deep connection that goes beyond mere rivalry. That is why I was so obsessed with beating him. I want him–and you–for my own!"

Overcome by the moment, Zechs and Wufei embraced, and they soon found themselves surrounded by Treize's strong arms as the elder man held them both.

Zechs blushed. "Treize-sama . . ."

Treize made a face. "We are going to need so much therapy after this . . ."

* * *

Relena Peacecraft was determined that this would be the day that she would win Heero's heart. She knew that he really and truly loved her–sure, he had tried to kill her numerous times, but he had never succeeded–and that's what counted! With conviction burning in her eyes, Relena strode to the door of the apartment which Heero and the other Gundam pilots shared, intent on making her dreams come true.

Heero passed Relena on his way out of the house, not even noticing the fact that she was wearing nothing but a g-string and some saran wrap. "‘Scuse me, Relena," was all he had the presence of mind to mumble as he walked by.

"Heero!" Relena barked. He turned back around.

"What?"

"Well?" Miss Peacecraft prodded. "Doesn't this outfit make you want to make sweet monkey love to me?"

"Um . . . not really, no," came the answer. Just then, Duo emerged from his room, wearing exactly the same thing. Heero's jaw hit the floor. "DUO!!"

Duo blinked, then glanced down at his clothes. "Hm? Oh, this . . . well, I spent my last five bucks on that leather brassiere you wanted me to buy, and I have some overdue videos . . ."

Heero was flabbergasted. "You're going to whore yourself to pay the late fees on your porno movies?!" he shouted. Duo looked offended.

"Of course not!" the other pilot retorted hotly. "I'm going to go screw the owner of the video store so that I don't have to pay for them!" He shook his head. "Honestly, He-chan . . . you can be so thick sometimes." He glanced at Relena and grinned. "Nice outfit."

"Shut the hell up!" Relena hollered. "I don't care what kind of a little tart you are–Heero is my man! Mine mine mine! You can't have him!"

"Honey, I've got news for you–he's already mine," Duo returned. Relena shrieked and threw herself at Duo, intent on clawing his eyes out. Duo suddenly panicked and retreated, hiding behind Heero. Heero sighed and pushed Relena away.

"Don't let her touch me! Don't let her touch me!" Duo wailed. "She'll hurt the baby!"

Heero and Relena froze. "WHAT?!" they shouted.

"You heard me," Duo whimpered. "I'm pregnant."

* * *

Quatre looked up from the pattern book and frowned. "Did you just hear what I just heard?"

Trowa rolled his eyes. "Duo's pregnant. Big surprise."

"Well, it is a surprise!" Quatre insisted. "I mean, how does that even work? Is this some bizarre medical experiment? Did he just grow a uterus? And what in the hell are a bunch of fifteen-year-old boys going to do with a baby, anyway? And while I'm on that subject, have you ever stopped to think that the idea of barely pubescent kids shagging the hell out of each other is disgusting at best and just plain nightmarish at worst?"

"I don't think about it."

"Oh."

"Besides, it's not like the author is going to finish this story, anyway. Did you see that shit she just wrote about Relena and the Saran wrap? This whole mess is on its way to imploding–the author's running out of ideas, so she's slapping down anything she can think of. Writer's block is inevitable. Once she hits a wall, she'll get bored with the story, and everything will go back to normal."

"I guess you're right," Quatre said doubtfully. "It's just weird, is all."

"Agreed." Trowa went back to the pattern book. "Are you sure you don't want the clown china?"

"Yes."

* * *

Treize, Zechs, and Wufei were just about to get into a situation which would make this fanfic unsuitable for all but the most stalwart of readers when Une and Noin walked in on the scene. Une took one look at the mess, sighed, and bitch-slapped the hell out of Treize. Noin did the same thing to Zechs, who cried like a baby until she stopped. Wufei just sort of stood there, feeling a tad awkward at being neither slapper nor slappee.

"You friggin' bastard!" Une bellowed. She kicked Treize in his most manly of manly parts. "I developed two personalities for you, and still that wasn't enough?!"

Treize said something noncommittal about the ethics of dating the mentally ill and received another round of bitch-slapping. After that, he kept his mouth shut.

"And you," Noin growled at Zechs. "I never made fun of that stupid-ass bucket helmet thing you always wore, and this is how you thank me? By trying to get it on with your boss and a minor? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I am sorry, madam," Zechs replied. His voice and mannerisms had suddenly changed, signifying that an Amazing Revelation was about to clock the readers right between the eyes. He stood up. "In my day, having multiple partners was common practice for gentlemen."

"And what the crap is that supposed to mean?" Noin demanded.

"It means simply this," Zechs stated. "I am not the man you think I am. You all know me as Zechs Merquise, or as Milliardo Peacecraft–but the truth is that these are only two of the names which I have had over the last several hundred years. Please, allow me to introduce myself . . . my name is Lestat . . . and I am a vampire."

"Oh, is that all?" Noin asked, relieved. "Sheesh, for a minute there, I thought you were gonna say you were gay."

"Say, if you're a vampire," Treize commented, picking himself up off the floor, "how come you can go out in the daylight?"

"Uhm . . ."

"And how come you can eat real food?"

"Er . . ."

"And how come there are pictures of you as a little kid with Relena? And how come–"

"Enough!" Zechs/Lestat screamed. "Enough of your continuity, Treize Khushrenada! You shall be the first to die!" He leapt upon the other man, sinking his fangs deep into his neck and drinking up his sweet, sweet blood.

"Crimony," Treize mumbled. "Maybe wanting to neck with you wasn't such a good idea after all." He passed out.

Zechs let Treize's limp body fall to the ground and turned on Noin and Une . . . but much to his annoyance, they had been smart enough to run out of the room the instant he opened up Treize like a beer keg. Zechs then turned to Wufei, who had elected to remain standing there like an idiot, thus assuring his status as Victim Number Two. Zechs smiled. "So, boy . . . what do you say? Do you wish to join the ranks of the undead with me?"

Wufei thought about this. "Um . . . actually, I think I'm just gonna go talk to Nataku for a while. After all this mess, my odd obsession with my Gundam seems pretty damn normal." He shrugged and turned to go. Zechs immediately flew into the air and seized the boy from behind, ripping his throat open with the savagery of a wild beast. Wufei gurgled one last profanity. Then merciful death saved him from any further abuse at the hands of this writer.

* * *

"I'm having your baby, Heero!" Duo wailed. "No one can take that away from me–not you, and not her!" He jabbed a finger at Relena. "I don't care if you don't love me, but I'll always love you, and there's nothing that you can do about it!"

For the first time in his life, Heero felt his stone heart slowly crack and give way, flooding him with the warmest and most painful, real emotions of his life. He gazed at Duo, not with the anger of a jilted boyfriend, but with pure, unfiltered, caffeine-free love. "Duo . . ."

Duo saw the change come over Heero's face; Relena did too, and she slowly relinquished her love for him. He and Duo belonged to each other, in a way that he and Relena never could–their bond was too deep, their feelings too strong for her to even think about trying to insert herself into something so perfect. Without a word, she slipped away, and wondered what Dorothy was doing. After all, she didn't have a boyfriend . . .

Heero and Duo continued to look at each other for a long time, lost in a sea of emotion. At last, Duo murmured, "I love you, He-chan." Heero could only nod and take Duo in his arms, swallowing hard to keep his feelings from escaping in a rush of tears.

Heero didn't hear Zechs behind him until it was almost too late. When he did hear the vampire approach, all he could make out was a howl of hate before Duo yanked him out of the way and drove a stake deep into the count's heart. Zechs exploded in a cloud of fire and ash, screaming his last curse to the heavens.

A long moment went by before either of the boys could say anything. "What in the–?" Heero asked, confused.

Duo grinned. "Zechs was a vampire–he has been for a long, long time."

Heero knitted his brows. "Then how do you explain the fact that he can go out in the sun, or that he can–"

Duo silenced the other pilot with a kiss. "Zechs was a vampire, sweetie. And I'm the slayer. Now come on–let's go make up."

* * *

Quatre wrinkled his nose. "The slayer? As in Buffy the vampire slayer kind of slayer?"

"Guess so," Trowa answered. Quatre pursed his lips.

"Well. That's just stupid, then."

"I didn't say it wasn't."

"But how is the author going to wrap all this up?" Quatre went on. "I mean, there are so many loose ends–how in the world is she going to finish it all?"

"It is finished."

"What?! You can't be serious!"

"C'mon, Quatre–look at what we've got. The main character conflicts are resolved, Duo and Heero have reaffirmed their undying love for each other, the bad guy got whacked, and the whole thing ended with a snappy one-liner and an implication of sex. It's over."

"But it's insipid!"

"That it is. But it's a fanfic."

Quatre slumped back in his chair. "I'll never understand writers."

"Don't try. You'll just get a headache." Trowa held up the pattern book. "What about this one?"

"Oh, with all the cute little Gundams around the edges of the plates? I like it."

"Good. We'll order it, then." Trowa folded his arms, satisfied. "It's about time we had some nice dishes around this place."

Quatre nodded in agreement, then suddenly sat up. "Trowa . . ."

"Yes?"

"Do you think that the readers are going to get the wrong idea about us? I mean, all we were doing was trying to find some dishes to buy for the house . . . it doesn't imply that we're–"

"Of course it doesn't," Trowa replied. He rested his elbows on the table. "Just because two people are friends and enjoy doing stuff together doesn't automatically mean that they're bopping each other like rabid wolverines. People can just be friends."

"Even if they're Gundam pilots?"

"Especially if they're Gundam pilots." Trowa fixed Quatre with a penetrating stare. His eyes burned with a strange and passionate fire. Quatre knew what he was going to say even before he opened his mouth: "Now come on–you wanna play a round of Mortal Kombat 92 or what?"

Quatre grinned. "Sure!"

They raced off to their video games and spent the next twelve hours battling each other to the virtual death in sixty-four bits of glorious color. I mean, come on–what else did you expect a couple of teenage boys to do?

 

STUFF THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT

In the creation of a tightly-wrought, incredibly dramatic fanfic such as this one, some scenes must be sacrificed in the interest of continuity. Gundam Wing Slash-O-Rama had its share of outtakes, which we have swept up from the editing room floor and reprinted here for your reading enjoyment.

Alternate title: Caffeine-free Love

Deleted Scene #1: Heero and Duo Continue to Discuss Man-Whoring

Reason for Deletion: Gratuitious Deuce Bigalow reference.
The scene:

Heero covered his face. "You were a man-whore. I can't believe it."

"Why?" Duo asked. He was trying not to cry. "I did what I had to, dammit! I did what I had to so that I could survive! Can't you understand that, He-chan?"

"I can understand it. I just don't like it," Heero returned curtly. "And I never will." Duo narrowed his eyes.

"Well. Thanks for nothing, He-bitch."

 

Deleted Scene #2: Zechs and Treize Have Quality Time

Reason for Deletion: Forgot about it. This little snippet was supposed to go at the end of Treize and Zechs's climactic confession of love for each other, but it slipped my mind while I was writing. Anyway, Zechs and Treize were going to stare longingly at each other, and then go off to prune Treize's eyebrows.

 

Deleted Scene #3: Une and Noin Get it On

Reason for Deletion: Disturbing as Hell.

 

Deleted Scene #4: Relena and Dorothy Get it On

Reason for Deletion: See above.

 

Thank you for reading Gundam Wing Slash-O-Rama. Please take care to clean up your trash on the way out of the theater. Have a good night, and God bless.

**********