4-17-2001

Warnings And Disclaimers: I do not own Gundam Wing, and no, I never will either, sighhh

The Following Fic Contains: 1x2/2x1, 2x?/?x2, angst, sadness, a bunch of song lyrics from the song Porcelain by Moby, and uh…hmm, oh yes, yaoi ^_^'

And lyrics are in the * lyrics* marks…

 

Porcelain

By Cs

 

Dusty boots slapping against each other in the darkness of a closet. It was time to go walk on concrete and sand, grass and broken glass. Slap, slap. Dust, how the hell had these boots gotten so dusty.

Duo sighed and shook his head, leaning against the wall and slipping the decrepit boots on, then stamping his feet and tying the laces. He slung the black duffel bag over his shoulder, glancing around the room one more time, nothing. Just an empty bed, an empty closet, and a broken heart, no problems.

The stairs creaked as they always did, the railing polished and shining in the afternoon sunlight. The pictures on the wall were familiar, the rooms memories that would be imprinted on his mind for life. Automatically Duo headed for the kitchen, one last final look was required.

*In my dreams I'm dying all the time.*

Rounding the corner, he stopped in midstep, surveying the muscular back and unruly hair for a long moment of silence.

"Leaving?"

"Yeah."

Heero turned around, his eyes the same dead depth as usual, though a suspicious sheen of wetness overlay them in the sunlight streaming in through the window. He leaned back against the kitchen counter, arms folding over his chest. Words kept forming on his lips and then dying before ever even managing to make it out as a syllable. Thoughts ran through his mind, but none of them seemed to contain the right words. Finally, he shrugged, turning his gaze towards the window.

"Guess this is goodbye then."

"Guess so."

Duo paused hesitantly, hand on the doorknob, fingers clenching on the strap of his duffel bag. "Bye Heero, sorry it had to end like this."

*Then I wake, it's kaleidoscopic mind.*

Heero remained silent, never turning his eyes from the window until the door clicked quietly shut. Then he slowly slumped down to the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees and wishing the ache in his chest would go away.

 

 

3 weeks later…

"Ring, ring, ring, dammit."

Duo groaned, resting his head on his arms, staring at the phone. Would one call hurt? Just to see what Heero was doing, how he was doing, whether he was doing someone new yet…

"Stop thinking like this!" Duo shouted, banging his head against the counter that the phone was resting on. Then he groaned again, rubbing his head and glaring at the phone once more.

He'd of course managed to find an apartment within a day, sweet-talking the manager of the place into letting him move in right away. It was a cracker box, an empty shell of a place, with nothing warm, and definitely no glaring Japanese boys. He was slowly getting used to being alone, though there were the times, much like now, when he truly wished Heero would call, send a letter, visit, anything. It didn't matter, he was strong, and spandex boy was just a diversion.

"Yeah right, a diversion from being lonely, from not knowing what love is, from… ah hell." He picked up the phone and dialed, his fingertips tapping the countertop with a steady tattoo of annoyance. Finally, the phone on the other end picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi Heero, uh…how's it going?"

"Duo?"

"Yeah, just wondered how you're doing, it's been a few weeks." Duo cleared his throat, suddenly wondering why he'd dialed this number.

"I'm fine, working, sleeping, eating, the usual. How are you?"

"Fine, fine. Working, eating, sleeping…" Being incredibly lonely and hiding it from everyone, missing you all the time, and wishing I wouldn't feel so stupid if I were to run back to you. "Just fine."

*I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to lie.*

"Yeah…I saw Quatre last week."

"Really? How's he doing? Still happy with Trowa?"

"Yeah, they're inseparable and happy, you should see Quatre, I've never seen anyone so…happy." Duo could just picture the dark haired boy across the line, gesturing helplessly at his loss for words.

"Well then…"

"Yeah…"

"Guess uh, there's not much more to talk about, is there?"

"I don't think so."

*So this is goodbye.*

"Bye Heero."

*This is goodbye.*

"Bye Duo."

The phone hung up with a soft click, the dial tone ringing in Duo's ear. He sat there for an hour, listening to the steady drone, then dropped the phone into the cradle. His footsteps were heavy going upstairs, the sound of one person living alone he thought.

 

 

2 months ago…

"Again Heero?"

"I swear that's all you care about."

"It's not you know." Duo leaned down, ruffling the perpetually messy hair until he could see the gleam of Heero's eyes. "I just happen to want you all the time, and I love you, it's a good mixture I think."

"Hmph, you love the sex more then you love me."

A soft sigh, "You never listen to what I'm saying, do you?"

"I do, it just never seems to sound right."

"What did I do to piss you off so much this time?" Duo rolled off the slim boy, turning onto his side and facing the wall.

"Everything, nothing, does it matter?"

*Tell the truth, you never wanted me.*

"It used to."

"Yeah, it doesn't seem to any more, does it?"

"Heero…I…"

"What?"

Duo peered over his shoulder, turning over a little, a tentative smile on his lips. "I love you more then anything else that gives me pleasure, and the other things that make me happy all stem from you as well."

Heero raised an eyebrow, a considering look crossing his face. "Ok." He said softly, eyes lowering to the bed.

Duo rolled all the way over, reaching out to run his fingers down the smooth planes of Heero's face. "Ok?"

"Mhm."

"You're sure?" Lips started meeting, soft reminders of why they were in bed to begin with.

"Yes." For now, Heero thought.

*Tell me.*

 

 

The present day…

Duo was getting home later and later every day, immersing himself in his job, making it his new life. Not much else mattered now, not anymore. Another day passed, and then another, and eventually he forgot to think about what he didn't have anymore.

Until Heero payed him a visit one Sunday afternoon three months after `suggesting' Duo leave their shared house. Duo was amazed to find it still hurt, seeing Heero standing outside his door, looking exactly the same. Hair still dark and messy, eyes still penetratingly blue. Everything was exactly the same all right, except for the feelings.

*In my dreams I'm jealous all the time.*

"What do you want?" It came out in a whisper, emotions Duo thought he'd been over with rushing back fresh, and brightly painful.

"It's been a while…" The search for words showed in the shuttered cobalt eyes. "I've missed you."

Nothing would fall from Duo's lips, nothing showed on his face. It felt like a war, tension knotting the air between their bodies. Heero glanced around, peering in the through the doorway, the black head of hair resting against the back of the couch riveting his attention. "You have company." He didn't bother to make it a question, turning away even as the figure on the couch turned.

*When I wake, I'm going out of mind.*

The door clicked quietly, in his mind becoming the solid bang of something locked forever behind him.

He paused, listening for a moment, just making out the two voices on the other side.

"What did he want?"

"To hurt me some more."

*Going out of my mind.*

 

 

<waves> sorry about the angst…I've been depressed and only angst comes out when I'm being that way ^_^'

By the way, try downloading the song! It's super pretty, and you can probably dance to it<grin>

<feeling like coffee…to drink it or feel like it, that is the question…>

Cs