Warnings & Dislaimers:yaoi, 1x2=2x1,angst?,etc.. This Fic Contains: boys, girl, stuff, walls, attachments, etc...
Infinity Explained 14/?
I pause to let my mind process what he's said. Join them? In what exactly would I be joining? Maybe I should ask for particulars, maybe I should just flat out refuse. Too many entanglements are dangerous to one's peace of mind. Or so I've noticed. Yeah, they're gorgeous boys, attractive challenges too. But do I really want to be attached to them? Well, I already am in some ways, but do I want more attachments then the ones I already have? I can't seem to think of an answer, they're both still watching me, waiting.
I look blankly at them for a moment, and then smile.
"I really appreciate the offer guys, but you just got together. I don't want to go squeezing myself into the middle of that. In the meantime, I suppose I can just try to shield myself from you " I trail off; both of them are shaking their heads at me negatively.
"What? Something wrong with that idea?" Why do I feel so nervous? Hell, I'm older then them by a couple of eons give or take a few centuries. But just the same I feel extremely anxious standing here with these two watching me like this.
I cross my arms and give them as much of a glare as I can manage. It doesn't seem to be working. As Duo steps even closer to me I find that I'm actually backing up against the wall. Well, it is a small room; the wall wasn't that far away. But now I've got my back pressed to it. I start inching to my right only to bump up against Heero. I look over to my left to find the desk blocking my way. Shit! Why I am I even retreating? What's wrong with me?
Maybe I'm just dreaming. Uh, yeah, that could be it! I'm still in bed; maybe I'm in a coma. I shake my head and pinch my elbow. Ouch! Ok, I'm definitely not dreaming. This is really starting to freak me out. Is this night of the living dead cute guys? Or am I just thinking things are weird when they're not?
"You're already joined with us in one way, and this would solve your problem." Duo's voice is surprisingly soft as he says this. I look at Heero who's nodding.
"You wouldn't be falling all over the place when we have sex." He quips dryly.
Ok, so he's got a nice point there. Gah! What am I thinking? I have to get through to them somehow.
"Just because we're attached doesn't mean we have to be Attached, if you know what I mean. I like you two, I really do. You're both attractive as all hell. But I don't need to get any closer to you than I already have. And I feel that if I joined you well, that's what it would be. A joining. You just shouldn't get that close to me. Once I'm gone from this life I'll be gone forever." I glance at them both. This time they seemed to have listened to what I had to say. Heero has a thoughtful statement on his face.
"Infinity, don't you realize that no one goes on forever? I know that when my life is over I'll never see Duo again. But that doesn't matter, I'll be happy to just have this lifetime with him. Even though we've only known you for a few days, you've changed us. Made us finally see what we've been trying so hard to ignore. It's only till death do we part. That's all there is for us."
I bite my lip and stare at him. This is too much. I can't handle it. I turn away from them and face the desk.
"Maybe you're not really afraid for us, you're afraid for yourself. You don't want to feel anything for us because you will go on. I bet you never let anyone get close, do you?"
Damn Duo, that astute boy. I can feel myself shaking. With what I don't know Fear? Rage? Pain?
I've been alone for so long. The thought of getting close to someone hurts. I'm trying to remember a memory, a life where I let someone love me. Someone who knew my secret and didn't care. There has never been such a person. I don't think I've even had friends before.
I must be a selfish bitch. The only reason I've never had friends is because I push them all away. Why get hurt when I have to leave them behind? Or when they leave me behind. There's a hand on my shoulder. I turn and look into Duo's pure amethyst eyes, and wait for him to say something. Surprisingly it's Heero who speaks.
"Before Duo I never let anyone get close to me. It was for a different reason, but the feeling was just the same. Opening yourself to others can get you hurt. But it's better to have a friend then to be alone for life. There was a reason Duo went looking for you the other night. Without even knowing what he was looking for he found you. Have you ever considered the reason for that? Maybe we are meant to know you, be with you, protect you." He says the last in a milder voice. I look away from Duo and catch Heero's eyes, raising an eyebrow. Protect me? Like I need protection from anything.
"You would have died, you said so yourself. Maybe you do need our protection. I have a feeling you're here for a very important reason. Even if it isn't to save the galaxy." Duo smirks at me as he says the last bit.
"Ok, so you saved my life, I suppose that means I owe you something." Again I shake my head in confusion. Am I so transparent? Or does the thread that connects us let them see into my mind as easily as I see into theirs? Perhaps it's time I made some friends, even if I do get hurt in the end.
Duo squeezes my shoulder. "You don't owe us anything. We owe you." I look at him, shocked by this simple statement.
"Why? I've only gotten you into danger. I'll only bring you more trouble. I might " I pause and look away. "I might even bring you to your deaths. I don't want your blood on my hands." I disengage Duo's hand from my shoulder and step away from the wall. I don't look at either of them. "If I had a way to get away from you I think I would already be running." I say it softly. For a few moments I think they haven't heard me. There's no response, no movement. I clench my teeth and hope they finally understand.
This is more than I've said to anyone in a long time. With more feeling than I've felt in years. I've been so careful not to let anyone in. So why is it that in a matter of days I'm so connected to them this way? It isn't just the energy strands; I know it's not. I like them. I've just met them and I like them.
Carefully I begin to construct a shield of energy around me. If I can't run then I won't. But no one said I couldn't hide. With a final glance at their faces I bring up a black shield. No sound will penetrate it; no living body can enter it. Avoidance, my worst enemy and my best friend. I sink to my knees inside my personal hell. No one can touch me now.
C&C if u managed to read all the way to the end of this chapter ^_^ heheh and keep in mind that what's next might just suprise you<grin>