10-17-2000

Title: Will You Wait For Me
Author: chibiANGEL
Archive: will be at my page, eventually
Category: angst, deathfic, hints of shonen-ai. it's meant to be depressing
Pairings: 2+1 (well, i s'pose it could be 2+anything but it's meant to be this)
Disclaimer: gw not mine. song not mine (kavana). fic mine.
Rating: PG
Feedback: would certainly be nice
Notes: DEPRESSING!!!
story indented. (...) : song

 

(I need to talk with you again
Why did you go away?)

I never thought I'd actually have to live without you. It was amazing that I actually met you. I mean, there are millions, billions of people on Earth and in space. How did I get lucky enough to find you? But now you're gone and I'm feeling so empty. I'm only one part of two now; i'm not a person anymore.

(All our time together
Just feels like yesterday)

I can close my eyes and see yours gleaming down on me. Touching me hair and telling me I'm beautiful. I can feel your lips on mine, on my face, on my neck. Softly calling my name and making me feel like we were alone in the world. Like Earth and space didn't exist and we were making love in the perfect void of eternity. Perfection.

(I never thought I'd see
A single day without you)

But what do I have left now? A few souvenirs of a love that was supposed to last forever. Apparently Maxwell's curse was too strong, and you, too, finally succumbed to it. Not your fault, mine. I should have stayed away and watched you from afar. It's not your fault that my bad luck caught up with you. It's my fault that I thought it would be okay, and that I was allowed to find happiness after I'd deprived so many people of happiness.

(The things we take for granted,
We can sometimes lose)

I'm holding that ring you gave me; the little silver one. You said it was until the real one, and I remember I completely didn't understand what you were talking about for a moment. You loved me. That amazed me every day and every day I was sure I didn't deserve someone like you. I never thought that it would be an us between you and me.

(And if I promise not to feel this pain,
Will I see you again?
Will I see you again?)

Koi, I'm telling you to wait for me. I know you're gone and I can't stand the moments that tick by that I know you're not breathing. That I'm here and you're not. It's not fair. I know life's nor fair, but I'll be damned if I let God take the one person infinitely precious to me. I'll be damned if God will separate us.

('Cause time will pass me by,
Maybe I'll never learn to smile)

How am I supposed to live on, Koi? I know you want me to. I know you don't want me to follow you; I know you'd glare and call me an idiot and ask me why. Koi, you know why. Deep inside, you know every reason why I should take that gun and point it at myself and pull the trigger. Get rid of my worthless life, doubly worthless because somehow I've survived beyond you.

(But I know I'll make it through
If you wait for me)

Wait for me. I love you; please wait for me. I will always think of you. Every day and every night I know I'll see your face in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. And know that even when I'm laughing, I'm laughing with you; when I'm crying, I'm crying for you; when I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming of you.

(And all the tears I cry
No matter how I try)

I've cried so much I've run out of tears. They're telling me to cry - that crying's okay - but what do you say when you've cried so much you can't cry anymore? I just sit around with my eyes all bloodshot and red 'cause I can't sleep. I can't do anything, because I realize how every motion I do reflects something of you. The way I sit. The way I tilt my head. The way I wash my face in the morning. Hell, the way I braid my hair, because you used to always do that for me.

(They'll never bring you home to me
Won't you wait for me?
In heaven)

Koi... wait for me.

(Do you remember how it was?
When we never seemed to care)

We said forever, right? Why were we cheated out of our forever. We deserved it more than anyone else. We survived the damn war, don't we get to live in peace afterwards? Where is the justice I've tried to believe in all my life, even when it seemed like there was no justice?

(The day went by so quickly
'Cause I thought you'd always be there)

But you're not here. Are you watching me, koi? 'Cause I can almost feel your eyes on me, like I used to when you were watching me in our room. Something ripples through me sometimes. Please say you're watching me, and it's not me hallucinating.

(And it's hard to let you go,
Though I know that I must try)

Do you love me, Koi? Do you know how much I love you? I've memorized the way you move, the way you smell, the way you look, and the way you sound after we've made love and you're tired, I'm tired, and we both say "I love you" together.

(I feel like I've been cheated
Cuz we never said goodbye.)

I never said goodbye, Koi. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. I couldn't believe it. A part of me still can't believe it.

(And if I promise not to feel this pain
Will I see you again?
Will I see you again?

'Cause time will pass me by
Maybe I'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it through
If you wait for me (won't you wait for me)
And all the tears I cry
No matter how I try
They'll never bring you home to me
Won't you wait for me
In heaven?

'Cause I miss you so
And I need to know
Will you wait for me?

'Cause time will pass me by
Maybe I'll never learn to smile (no no no)
But I know I'll make it through
If you wait for me (say you'll wait for me)
And all the tears I cry (all the tears I cry)
No matter how I try (how I try)
They'll never bring you home to me
Won't you wait for me?

And time will pass me by
Maybe I'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it through
If you wait for me)

Love, wait for me. Even if I'm years in coming, please wait for me. There's nothing I will be able to do without remembering you. It's the little things, and I know the little things will burn me inside. But I will live. For you, love, I will live. I will live for the both of us, so as you look down on me, you can go through everything you've wanted to go through as you got only. We'll go through it together, still. It'll just have to be one body, though.

Love, you know I love you. You know that my heart is bleeding because of you and because of the pain you have gone through. Let go, my love. Let go of the pain, let go of everything that'd holding you back. My word. Let go of my word, I'm telling you that you can let go. Be free. Be without pain, because I in my selfishness am inflicting it on you every moment I plead with you to cling on.

Love. Why must the best person in the world be the first to leave? You should be in my place, and I should be in yours, because I have nothing of worth now. I have done nothing and will do nothing in my life that is as spectacular and wondrous and bittersweet as what you have lived through. For that, you deserve a life, a life of rainbows and sunlight. A life that you are no longer allowed to have.

Love, is the last thing you'll see the cold hospital walls? How I wish I could take you out one last time to see the places you love, the people you love, the things you love. And to be with you. Just one day. One day, but it's too late.

Love, I love you. Wait for me.

[[why? huh. my friend's dying.]]