6-12-2001

Title: If I Die
Author: chibiANGEL
Notes: death-ish, of course. introspective. hints shonen-ai (i always do. BIIIIIG fan of shonen-ai/yaoi here. ^____^)
Warning: i wax all poetic in this thing, i'm sorry. i just got back from basically 7 hours of orchestra and i'm... dead? ^__^ i wanted to write *something* :::hides::: forgive me?

 

If I die, will you watch out for me?

I'm dying now, in this vast nowhere; alone. And I once said loneliness is to be expected in the life I lead. But this loneliness takes me from the inside and threatens to expose that which I've spent my life hiding. Those inner thoughts, that past life, everything I try to disown and obliterate. The memories with the cloying scent of honey and jasmine, clinging to my skin, clinging to my soul.

Broken. Mend the broken bones, but the broken soul is forever shattered. If all the poetic words in the universe could save my soul, I was recite Shakespeare until he himself rolled over in his grave and told me to shut up. I'm dying now, because I am being sucked away inside; there's slowly becoming a void inside me, and I am afraid.

In the beginning there was nothing. And from that oblivion, from that emptiness, came love.

Maybe in the beginning, I was somebody. I had a mother and a father, and I was loved. But here I stand now, in the darkness of hopelessness, and I am truly lost. I no longer have a direction in life. I can only kill but if I kill again... the remnants of my soul are on the line. Those pitiful pieces, shards of delicate crystal, and I misused them. Abused them.

And now? I'm dying now, and I can't help it. There's no more saving line, no more reason to wake up each morning. Ship's left the shore and I'm alone on the barren beach, watching the sunset, wondering if it will rise again. Why it should rise again.

And I'm cold. And I'm lonely. And I ask myself, who am I? In the endless facade of glory and peace, where is my niche? Where is the inherent justice I once thought I could believe in? Break me, and tear me apart, but let me see where the lies are. In all that I have known and done, I had an aim and a direction. And the yellow brick road has been covered in the debris of impurity and I stand undirected.

Show me the way.

And I'm dying now. I'm dying inside, and the outside still breathes. They are all gone, my comrades of the war. And it's funny I call them comrades now - friends, even - when then they were nothing more than others with perhaps the same goal as I. Now I look back almost fondly on the times we shared together. Because it was one of the few times in my life I felt fulfilled.

There's something inside of me that makes me feel aching and imperfect. Like I was ever perfect to begin with. And they said I was, and I said I was not.

And *he* was there.

This distance from him is pulling at me, making my mind rack through my memories, bringing up pictures, sounds, scenarios. And in those pristine moments, I close my eyes and I'm back to that time and place, and I'm remembering. And for those pristine moments, I'm not dying.

But I'm dying now.

Time is relentless, and it tugs at us even when we beg and plead to remain. It marches endlessly foward, always forward, zutto forward, and I in my weakness allow myself to be dragged on without a word of objection.

And in every passing day, in every passing hour, in every passing moment, I try to turn back time.

And in every day, hour, and moment, I feel myself losing my grip on myself. Slipping. Sliding towards that gaping maw that maliciously awaits me.

I'm dying now.

If I die.... would you miss me?

 

 

p.s. after i wrote that, i realized it could be kinda confusing as to who it is, ne? it's heero. ^____^ thinking of duo, no da!!