i'm sick, i've realized. lol, this is insane. and i'm not sure if it counts as a songfic or a vid fic... sorta both?
it's going to be kind of confusing because i'm mixing a dream sequence with reality and i'm not differentiating between the two of 'em. so. i tried for symbolism of sorts. if you don't get it, don't worry about it, because in the end my insanity (and doof) just took over. heh, and kera. lovely angsty muse. o.O;;;


Title: Shadows
Author: chibiANGEL
Archive: mine, eventually. if you want it, just ask. (er... this is too weird to be desire, though. lol)
Category: angsty, dark, confusing
Pairings: 1x2/1+2
Rating: PG-13 - R
Song: Brackish
Artist: Kittie (kick-ass group.)
Notes/Warning: BASTARD HEERO! DUO-TORTURE!! there. you've been warned. ^__^ and. ABSOLUTELY CONFUSING.
[...] : lyrics
//...// : ficcie



[she is not scared to die]

//He's running down a dark alleyway, in his mind, dark braid like a tail flowing behind him. Trying to escape from whatever's chasing him.

The bricks lining the alley are cold blue and black, the only light filtering from a sickly moon. There's deathly silence save for his labored breathing and the pattering of his feet on cobblestones. Even when there's nobody around, he feels like he's running from somebody.

He closes his eyes tighter, trying to kill the dream, the nightmare, the thought of suffocation.//

[the best things in life drive her to cry
crucify then learn]

//The dream figure of himself turns in the alleyway, arms akimbo, challenging the darkness and silence that flows up and claims him as its own. Violet eyes harden in anger and barely concealed terror.

A muffled whimper escapes his lips. The darkness enfolds him and he collapses to the cold wet ground, banging against unforgiving rock. He curls up, trying feebly to resist, but he knows inside he can't resist. And, finally, he is too exhausted and gives in.

The misty cold masses together and solidified. The form on the ground looks up with pain-filled and pleading eyes as blue eyes appear, followed by rumpled dark hair. A face, harsh and angry, a body that could destroy his without second thought.

Violet eyes shut tightly, forbidding the eminent tears.//

[take so much away from inside you
makes no sense
you know he can't guide you]

//Cries fill the lonely alleyway, whimpering, pleading, shrieks of pain and begging forgiveness.

"I love you," bruised and cracked lips mouth, but sound is lost in the greedy night.

The moon seems to condone the display as she shines down more brightly, almost reveling in the battered form. Clothes torn, hair undone and dirty, and he bleeds. Inside and outside, he bleeds.

"Please," he tries to say, but no words come out.

He looks everywhere but the blue eyes seem to glare at him no matter where he turns. The blue surrounds and holds him, the alleyway fading from view. Only the blue, darkened in anger, darkened in a love/hate that he understands only too well.//

[he's your fucking shoulder to lean on
be strong!]

//He makes soft distressed sounds as the image of himself intensifies; as the feeling of lostness, loneliness and betrayal intensifies. He tosses in the silk-swathed bed, kicking at the comforter, seeking comfort.

Bleeding, alone, cold. "Why?"

And this time the words come out in the barest of whispers.

The blue eyed boy comes through the dark mist that holds him. The eyes have softened as the mist softens and holds him tenderly now, soothing the aches, stifling the blood.//

[sit and watch me burn]

//Bare arms reached forward to touch him. He flinched for a moment, and a flicker of hurt sped across those blue eyes. With a sigh, he leaned forward into the embrace.

The other boy knelt down and caressed his back, fingers twining and untangling with the loose hair. The mist swirled around and between them, touching his wounds and spiriting them away.

The scars were all that remained.//

[she's led to believe
that it be ok
look at your face
scarred in dismay]

//He woke up with a start, looking around, confused. Calming down, he pieced together everything that had happened the night before, and winced as he moved his arm. It wasn't broken, he could tell that. Just bruised. He should take it easy that day. Maybe the blue eyed boy would apologize.

Sure enough, there was a tentative knock at the door.


A face peered in eyes penitent and wide in a sort of fear. "I'm so sorry, koi. Are you okay?"

He nodded slightly, a small smile tugging at the edge of his lips, as he reached out with his good arm. "Just hold me."

"Of course."//

[but times have changed]

//In the back of his mind, he could see the chair being thrown, he could feel himself being thrown against the wall. There was the screaming that was echoing in the recesses of his mind, but he blocked that out. The arms around him were caring and tender, palms wiping away dried tears. Hands gently assessing the damage.

The other boy moved away for a moment, then came back with bandages and ointment of sorts, and began to help him.

The world collapsed around him and he felt warm, somehow. The moon was shining down on him again, but the sun was beginning to rise in the horizon. He was still held close to his beloved, and they watched the sun rise together, oblivious of their lack of surroundings.

[and so have you
i think i'd rather crucify then learn]

//"I love you."

"I love you, koi."

Whispered words, confessions, smiles traded and returned. The hands that traced over his body were loving, caring. Taking care of the wounds that had been inflicted by the same hands.

He winced as his shirt was pulled away. The other boy let a small gasp escape his lips as he saw the bruising. "I'm so sorry," he breathed, as his fingers trickled over the bruise.

"It's okay. I love you."

"I love you, too."//

[take so much away from inside you
makes no sense
you know he can't guide you]

//Everything in the back of his mind told him to get up and run away again. Try to run away again. Get away, do anything, go anywhere.

"I love you, I love you, I love you..." the endless litany of apologies ended with this, as the perfect blue around them settled into nothing but the colors of the rising sun. "I need you, koi."//

[he's your fucking shoulder to lean on
be strong!]

//The alleyway flickered in and out of his conscious vision. Alternating with the soothing sunrise. He could feel the cold and unforgiving wind whipping by him and holding him prisoner. The blue and black that filled his eyes.

With a small coo, he forced the alleyway out of his mind and snuggled closer into his lovers arms. The warmth of the sun came in wisps and tendrils, teasing them. Eventually, the coldness was all pushed away as the sun triumphantly offered his heat and comfort, promising everything would be all right because it was a new day.

"We're going to be okay," he whispered to himself. "It'll be okay."

[sit and watch me burn]

//Suddenly he was torn away from the sunlight, the warmth, the embrace. His mind screamed open and the healed wounds, the scars, overflowed with the blood that had been shed before.

Even as he screamed, he could hear the reminders of the fights, the battles, the out-and-out wars that they'd had.

Months of pain lanced through his mind and his body as he ripped away from the tender hands that were binding his ribs. Startled, the boy could only stare for a moment, even as he began to push himself away and whimper and fear and anger.

"I hate you."//

[i'd like to take you down]

//"I love you and I hate you. I love how you make me feel when we make love. I love how you touch me in the morning, when everything's okay. I love how you make me breakfast sometimes, or how we just cuddle by the fireplace some nights. I love how you look at me when you love me, your eyes turn warm and comforting."//

[and show you deep inside
my life my inner workings
of smell and lack of inner pride]

"But I hate how you make me feel like shit. Make me feel like I'm worthless and all I can do is belong to you. You don't fucking own me!"//

[to touch upon the surface
is not for what it seems]

//Blue eyes were stricken and startled, then darkened. Violet eyes narrowed in anticipation for the blows that he was sure would come. The other boy inched forward, gaze almost venomous, slowly, carefully.

"What do you want from me?" came the hoarse cry.

He was startled.

"I love you, Duo. You know I do."//

[and i take away my problems
but only in my dreams]

//"No, you don't." And pools of violet-blue overflowed with tears kept back too long. "Stop it, Heero, please. Before one of us gets hurt too much. I've got to go, Heero," he wound down in a whisper.

He flinched as Heero moved closer.

But instead of striking, Heero reached out to pull Duo into an embrace. Utterly shocked, Duo didn't resist.

"I love you," the rough voice whispered into his ear.

He succumbed to his lover.//

[take so much away from inside you
makes no sense
you know he can't guide you]

//Even as he bled his soul out, he knew it was going to be okay. It was his way to leave, his way of escape.

The other boy held out his hand and he reached out and grasped it, even as the blood flowed. The sky around them had darkened in a stark coldness and darkness that threatened to hold them forever.

"I love you, Heero."

"I love you, Duo."//

[he's your fucking shoulder to lean on
be strong!]

//Sunset, and darkness. Even with his eyes closed, he could feel that he was alone. Dry leaves rustled and scraped by him as he shivered in the cold. Tucking his hands under his arms, his fingers felt icy.

Softly, his hair was brushed out of his face. A kiss was placed on his lips, tongue darting out for a moment. Licking away the remnants of a tear.//

[crucify then learn]

//He was running again. Even if he knew it would end the same way, he was running again. Trying to reach god-knows-where, the safety and oblivion that he strove for. Somewhere in the distance. Feet clattering over cobblestones, pounding down on dirt, racing through streets and time somewhere in his imagination.

Their tongues played tag, danced together, as they tasted each other thoroughly. Wordlessly pretending it was all okay.

The other boy's hands were gentle as they trace over bruises and cuts. Tried to touch them away, leaving only the scars.

His hands, his arms, his body was so scarred. The wounds would heal, but the scars crisscrossed across his body, a true marking, if nothing else was.//

[take so much away from inside you
makes no sense
you know he can't guide you
he's your fucking shoulder to lean on
be strong!]

//Even as he felt the shadows coming closer, he could feel himself getting closer to the sunlight. The path led directly to the sun, and all he had to do was sprint a little more, run a little more.

Without a sound, he gave himself to his lover, to take what pleasure he would be given. Heero always gave him pleasure, he was good about that. He loved him. The fights were just little things: all couples fought sometimes, didn't they?//

[crucify then learn]

//Closer. Reaching for the sun, reaching for the stars. Trying to run through space-time into the oblivion the blazing orb promised to him. The peaceful silence, the eternity. Forever in pain, forever in peace.

Feet tripping over stardust, running through the airless void.

Kisses pressed all over his body. Being worshipped like a temple, making him feel fiery and warm inside. Desired. Loved. Heero loved him. He loved Heero.

"Need you, Heero." The words were broken and needy. "Need you with me, forever."

"Suki da," was the eternal promise, the ever-repeated promise. "Itsudemo, koi. Suki da."

"Love you."//

[sit and watch me burn]

//And he throws himself in the sun's embrace. The shadows cannot reach him here. The flames flicker and lick at him, but it's okay. This is a different pain. It will burn away his soul, it will burn away who he was before. The shadows cannot reach him here. He's safe, burning away.//