8-28-2001

Name : The True Nature of Heero
Author : Cassiopeia
Rating : Who knows! (I"m into lemons, so you never know)
Summery : Well, It's Heero talking to himself. The next part though...

Part ICHI!

 


After Colony… whenever (somewhere in the middle after they've known each other a while)

 

Is it possible to be the perfect soldier and love at the same time? I already know the answer. No. No, It's not possible. The fact that I can feel should be impossible. From as far as I can remember I have been molded, shaped into what they wanted me to be, and now… Now I must write this:

My Secret…

I'm not the perfect soldier. I'm a great actor though. I could out act anyone on the planet and perhaps even off it. I started when I was younger. After I was in his care. I never had to act before… what was before… was there a before? I know there was but…

There. The proof that I am not what I seem. I got off track. The perfect Soldier doesn't do those things. He is powerful, strong, doesn't feel, doesn't love…

Love.

I am an actor. I play the part, but am not what they think. I feel…

I feel pain. Hunger. Lose. Love… There's that word again. I hate that word. I hate that word "Love" It will be my undoing. I'm certain of it. As I'm certain that I am in love with a dark clown that wears a mask to hide himself from the world…

You know, I think I lied when I said I was the best actor. It is he. He who rides a demon of the night and calls himself the "God of Death" Well, If there is a god, the god of death is the only one that watches over me. Maybe he watched over me. Maybe he, my love, is the one that keeps me safe. I have tried so many times to die and I can't. I blow up and I still do not die. Hurt like hell yes. But Death would be so nice. I finally sleep. I would welcome it…

I love him. I quiet declaration. I am in love with a man, yes, he is a man. Men kill, boys do not. I am a man, as are we all. We are all men. Men in a war that doesn't want us, but we will continue. We will win. In that aspect I suppose I am the perfect solder. I have been acting so long, maybe the roll took me over. No, that's impossible. But after that night, the night she died I swore I wouldn't fall again. I wouldn't fail, I wouldn't smile, laugh, cry… or love…

So much for that.

I will tell him tonight. Tonight I will walk into his room where we are and I will tell him. I've only known him this whole damn war and I haven't a clue who he really is. But the actor is nice. He may act like a bubbly idiot, But I know different. I know because we are the same. We are both actors, the world being our stage. His roll is the town jester, mine… I'm not sure if I have a name…

God I love him. His long hair, small frame, deep playful voice, the round face, I love it all. I want to run my hands through his hair and lick his neck. I want to nibble down his neck and taste the silk skin on his shoulder. I could learn every little part of him with my tongue and still be hungry for more. The sound of the soft pants and gasps as I trace every line of his body slowly with my fingers, then relearn the feel with my tongue would make me melt. I want to taste him, to love him. I want to know what it feels like to have him love me. I want to explore. I want to mark him as mine so the whole world would know that this perfect being, this clown who wears the mask is mine and will be forever. I would love him forever if that's what he wanted. I want to tell him tonight. I should, I should tell him tonight. I will tell him tonight, then spend the rest of the darkness exploring every silky part of his flesh. I would even be content to just lay on top of him with our naked bodies pressed tightly together as we slept. I would sleep wonderfully that way…

It's impossible, of course. even if I say I will tell him, I know I won't. I will wake up tomorrow and be the same actor I have always been. Playing the part of the stoic, emotionless man only interested in one thing. He will be playful and cheery and I will act like I hate him. The war will still be going on, and I will still have a job to get done. Until it ends I have to play the part that I have come to hate. I want to tell him that I love him. I want to hold him…

I will tell him tonight…

Tonight…