1-12-2001

No warnings, really, except for excessive weirdness.
Archive? Well, If ya really want to.
Nothing is mine. Not even the idea. It was Angel Negra's challenge to me.

 

Under The Bed

********** indicates a flashback

 

Part 1

Heero Yuy was sitting in his rocking chair, reading th-

Where is he?

"I will not read that drivel." snarled Heero.

"And why not?" boomed the author's voice.

"It's just not me."

"Who said anything about you being in character? And besides, it's a good book. It might even make you smile. You know how Duo likes it when you smile......."

"Hn."

Now then, where were we?

Heero Yuy was sitting in his rocking chair, reading the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Now where did he go?

"I don't want to sit in a stupid rocking chair."

A resounding sigh echoed throughout the room. "I want you to sit in the rocking chair. It is part of the story. Do I have to keep you there by force?

"Hn."

"Say it like you mean it!"

"Hn!"

"Thank you!"

Heero Yuy was sitting in his rocking chair, reading the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy...

"Heero!"

"What?"

"You're trying to escape."

"......So?"

"I won't allow it."

A few minutes and some sticky tape later, Heero Yuy was conveniantly bound to the rocking chair, reading-

"All right, where's the book?"

With no response, the author paused to look about. The book in question was found a short distance away. After taping Heero's hands to the book, and reinforcing other key spots, the story was ready to start again.

Heero Yuy was struggling to get out of his rocking chair, and trying to detatch himself from the book....

"No, that's not right either."

The author scampered off to fetch the stuffed teddy bear of annoyance. Today the teddy had chosen to arm himself with suction arrows and a nifty looking bow.

"Now, be a good boy, Heero, or the teddy lets loose an arrow."

Since Heero didn't know that the arrows were only suction darts, he nodded vigurously, and the story tried once again to begin.

Heero Yuy was sitting in his rocking chair, reading the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Ga -

* Thup *

Heero was now doing the now popular YUY-glare-of-death. It wasn't terribly effective, however, because of the suction arrow stuck precisely on the end of his nose.

A few minutes and a great deal of struggling and straining later, Heero was rid of the suction arrow, revealing a cherry red nose.

"Makeup!" yelled Heero.

"Makeup?" questioned the confused author.

Sure enough, a large team of makeup artists stormed onto the premises. Powder filled the air, and brushes of all kinds flew in all directions. Finally the ordeal was over. The makeup artists had even covered up some of the blatantly visible tape.

"May I continue?"

"Hn."

"Thank you."

Heero Yuy was sitting in his rocking chair, reading the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy.

The author paused, awaiting another outburst. When none appeared, she breathed a sigh of relief and continued.

He -

"Lunch break!" yelled Duo from off scene.

"Lunch break!" echoed a happier Heero, who unstuck himself and zipped off to eat, leaving the author to wonder when she had implemented lunch breaks into their schedule.

 

 

Part 2

Heero Yuy was sitting in his rocking chair, reading the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. He suddenly became aware of the sound of running feet. He looked up in time to see a long braid and its owner before they lept off the floor in the direction of his lap.

"Eep!" was all Heero could add in before the impact.

"Oof!" was what Heero said during the impact.

"Duo! Omae o korosu!" was what Heero added thoughtfully after the impact.

Duo just sat there for a while, grinning furiously at his koi. Heero sat there for the same length of time (as if he was going to move with Duo on his lap!) glaring at Duo for even daring to do such a thing. The teddy bear of annoyance decided that his services were no longer needed, and shuffled out of the story.

"Heero....." said Duo, breaking the silence.

"This had better be good, Duo. I don't just let anybody leap onto my lap."

"Well.... about those noises we heard yesterday...."

**********

Duo and Heero were in their bedroom doing whatever your little hentai minds can come up with, when they heard a scratching noise at regular intervals. They ignored it, of course, being somewhat preoccupied with eachother. After things had settled down a bit, Duo heard the unmistakeable sound of maniacal laughter.

"Heero?" questioned Duo.

"Mmmmm....." was the uninformative reply.

"Did you hear that?"

"Go to sleep, Duo. It's just your imagination."

And with that Heero promptly fell asleep.

**********

"Do you remember the noises, Heero?" Duo asked.

Heero remembered vaguely some sort of noise that Duo was worried about.

"You mean the noises I never heard?"

"Yeah, those ones."

"Well, what about them?"

Duo took a deep breath, and spilled out "I found out where they were coming from and you have to see! Come on, Heero!"

Heero had just enough time to think about the extreme weirdness of the situation before Duo grabbed his arm and literally dragged him to the bedroom.

"Ouch! Duo, this may come as a shock to your system, but I can follow you without needing to have my arm pulled out of it's socket."

Duo just grinned and kept on pulling. Finally, to the relief of Heero (and Heero's arm) they arrived at the bedroom. Duo, with his usual jubilance, zipped around the room and set an olympic record for turning on all the lamps in a room in the shortset time possible. Well, he would have, if he was in the olympics. Heero just sat on the bed and watched.

"When I woke up this morning, I stepped on a squeaky rat!" declared Duo triumphantly.

".........So?"

"So that lead to the question of why. Why was that mouse there? It wasn't there last night, and I'm positive you're not the type to have a squeaky mouse lying around. It was at that point that I looked under the bed."

Duo pushed the bed. As Heero was still sitting on it, it didn't move much, so Heero got up. Boy, did that bed move after that! Heero looked down. There was a large trap door underneath their bed! Even weirder was the fact that there was a mouse-shaped indentation in the middle of the trap door. Strangest of all, however, was the little hand-written sign that stated "Insert rubber mouse here".

Duo handed Heero the much-talked-about squeaky mouse.

"Go ahead, Heero."

Hero just stared. His gaze went from the mouse in his hand to the floor, to the trap door, to the sign, back to the mouse, back to the sign, to the fact that there were some major dustbunnies to get rid of, to the mouse again, and finally to Duo.

"You're telling me", said Heero cautiously, "that I need to put this stupid squeaky mouse on the spot on that trap door? What if it blows up in my face?"

"It didn't blow up in my face."

Heero examined Duo's face. No matter how hard he stared, he couldn't see one single molecule that had the characteristic look of one which had had something blow up in front of it. He looked at the mouse. He looked at the trap door. Finally, after a little coaxing from the author, Heero achieved the much-anticipated joining of the mouse and indentation.

With a trumpet fanfare and a chorus of little birdies, the trap door opened, revealing a staircase. A little voice said "Thank you for choosing MouseKeys, Inc".

"After you, Heero. "

"No, after you, Duo."

"No, I insist!"

"No, I insist!"

"Well, I insist more that you do!" exclaimed Duo.

After another examination by Heero to comfirm that Duo had not encountered bodily harm, and a short hunt for a portable flashlight, our reluctant pair descended the staircase.

 

 

Part 3

After a long 5-minute journey down some steep small steps, Heero and Duo arrived at another door. This one seemed to have an indentation in the shape of a head. Not just any head, mind you......... A Power Ranger head!

"Duo......," asked Heero,"....... "do we have any Power Rangers?"

"Remember when I ran off after breakfast?"

"Oh."

After looking at a handful of Power Ranger action figures, Heero decided he really didn't want to know how or why Duo had done it. Duo, on the other hand, was busily eenie-meenie-miney-moeing.

"Got one!"

Duo walked triumphantly up to the door, and inserted the green Power Ranger. The sound of a raspberry reached their ears. A voice (same as before) stated merrily "Please insert the correct pink Power Ranger".

"Oho!" chorused the puzzled people, "So it's the pink one!"

This time they were successful, and the door opened again to a different trumpet fanfare and a chorus of anteaters. At this point Heero was wondering what all this had to do with noises in the night. He was about to point this out to Duo when, clear as a bell, the sound of maniacal laughter came wafting down the corridor (which, you see, was what lay on the other side of the door).

"I told you I heard something!"

"Hn."

"Lets explore! It'll be fun!"

Even though Heero's idea of fun did not extend to exploring a corridor with maniacal laughter that you found by following a trap door underneath your bed, he followed Duo, who seemed as bouncy and irresponsible as ever.

It was an interminably long corridor, thought Heero. The polished white walls kept going and going and going as far as the eye could see. And that was a prety long way away for a Gundam pilot. Once Heero thought he saw the end of the corridor, but no, it was just a right angle turn. And Duo was still grinning away and pointing out all the dirty spots on the wall. Apparantly quality control had had an off day.

"Look!" cried Duo, "a door!"

And there it was, at the end of the corridor. It was a rather small door, about shoulder height on average humans. Once again they heard the maniacal laughter, and there was no doubt about it: it was coming from the other side of the door.

"Is it just me, or does it all sound fishy to you?" queried Duo.

"Hn. Trap doors with toys for keys, a dirty corridor, and laughter. All underneath our bed.Yes, you baka, it is fishy."

"No, no, silly, I mean the laughter! Doesn't it sound like a fish to you?"

Never having heard a fish laugh in his life, let alone a deranged one, Heero didn't know what to say. He therefore used his all-purpose backup plan.

"Hn." said Heero. And he opened the door.

The sight that met their eyes was totally unexpected. There were mackeral everywhere! Some were walking around on their tails a la Disney. Some were chatting about this and that. Some had settled down to drink coffee......well not exactly coffee, but the fish equivalent. All of the fish, however, had something in common: They were wearing underwear!

There was a very long pause.

"Duo....?" whispered Heero, for you see, they hadn't been seen yet, and had therefore hidden behind the door.

"Yes.....?"

"That's Releena's underwear!" pointed out Heero, with a slight hint of disgust and amusement.

"Heero? You know what her underwear looks like? And you said you loved me....."

"Duo, listen to me. Point 1: I have never, I do not now, nor will I ever love that..... that creature! Point 2: It's bright pink. Who else do we know who would dare to wear anything pink? Point three (the clincher): It's labelled."

Duo looked closer at the (shudder) bright pink underwear. Sure enough, there were little tags on every one of the items, stating 'Property of R Peacecraft'. At that moment, other fish came into the room, wearing underwear that was not bright pink. The two lovebirds recognized eachother's underwear at once, having seen it many times before. They also believed that the unidentifiable underwear was from Quatre, Wufei and Trowa, since they assumed that they also wore underwear.

"I was wondering where all my undies went. I am in the middle of a underwear crisis!" stated Duo.

"Duo, we have a mission: Save our underwear! If possible, we are not to save Releena's underwear. Understand?"

Before Duo could answer, a large mackeral walked into the room. He (for we can only assume that he was, in fact, a he) was wearing a pink tutu. Every mackeral seemed to look at the tutued one with respect.

"I think that one's their leader!" hissed Duo.

The leader-mackeral pressed a button on the wall, which made a large podium rise from the floor. He stepped up to it, looked around the room, cleared his throat, and spoke.

"Seize those two spies from behind the door!"

 

 

Part 4

After a long struggle, we find our two heroes tied up in the mackeral's lair.

"Haha! We have them now!" cried the mackeral with a tutu.

Heero kept his Perfect composure. Duo, on the other hand, could not stop giggling. He just could not see how in the world the god of death was supposed to fear a mackeral wearing a tutu. He decided to ask Heero.

"Heero........ are we supposed to actually fear this guy?"

"Hn."

"An actual answer would be appreciated, Heero."

"And now, on with the torture!" cried the main mackeral.

The throng began chanting "Torture! Torture!" and moved ever closer to our bound brave boys. Soon the one who was to be dealing out the torture came over. He was instantly recognizable as the Torture master because on his underwear, in black magic marker, were the following words:

I am the torture master.
Fear me.

The warning was not heeded by one braided captive. He burst out in laughter.

"Bite me!" hissed the torture-mackeral.

"No thanks. I hate dying of food poisoning." replied Duo.

And so the torture began. It consisted of waving a horseshoe in front of them, with occasional shouts of "Walla walla". Several of the mackeral present fainted. After half an hour of horseshoe waving, Walla shouting and Duo's giggles, absolutely nothing happened.

"They are strong, my lord!" whined the torturing mackeral. "The Ultimate Horror (tm) has had no effect!"

"No effect? Very well, I shall resort to drastic measures: I shall tell them of my plan to conquer the world!"

Duo looked at Heero. Heero looked at Duo. They looked at the head honcho. They looked back at each other. Duo giggled.

"Silence! Fools! You do not know of the horrors your world will face when my plans take shape!"

The mackeral made some clearing of the throat noises, which, coming from a mackeral, are indescribable. You'll just have to hear it yourself someday. Suffice to say it is not pretty.

"Our plan is to take over your puny planet. As you can see, we have already begun Operation Steal Underpants. We have stolen the underpants of you and your Gundam buddies, as well as those of one Releana Peacecraft. Once we have obtained all of the underwear in the world, you people will panic! No more underwear! You will run amuck, frantic in the streets, searching for underwear."

The mackeral in the tutu smiled and continued. Duo kept snickering.

"Once that has happened, we will go to phase three! Phase three is Operation Get Rich. Yes, we shall sell you your stolen underwear for a pretty price. Richness will be measured by the pairs of underwear you have! The poor will beg for underwear in the streets. And here is the good part: We will steal back the underwear we sell! You will be under our control!"

Heero blinked. Duo blinked. The mackeral blinked. Heero blinked again. Duo took a deep breath and spoke.

"And....... your point is?"

"What do you mean, what is my point? I will rule your world!"

"How will you do that?" asked Duo.

"Try to think like us."said the mackeral. Then to a person at his side, "I told you they were stupid creatures."

"Nah, I wouldn't want to think like you." replied Duo, a big grin on his face (where else would it be?). "I'm too afraid of my brain committing suicide!"

"That is the last straw! To the boiling pot!"

 

 

Part 5

For those who were not aware, our favourite men were tied with strong rope to chairs, which were sitting on a rolling platform. Mackeral are expert knot tyers, and had made quadrupally-sure that their captives could not escape.

Heero took one look at the boiling pot, and felt worried. Slick walls, deep water, and a whole lotta heat. How were they ever going to get out of this one? Heero looked over at Duo, and was astonished to see that he was still grinning away.

"Duo, do you not realize the amount of danger we are in?"

Duo just smiled even harder.

"Yeah, I know. We might get boiled to death. Is that what's getting you down?"

"Getting me down? Getting me down? Do you not understand? We are going to die here in the hands of these mackeral!"

Duo just grinned. He had a plan.

"Hey, you!" Duo called to the nearest mackeral. "Don't the about-to-die prisoners get a final meal or something?"

A murmur went through the crowd. A meal? They want a meal? ........ Why not?

"I will grant your request." announced the leader mackeral. "What would you like to eat for your last meal?"

"How can you think of food at a time like this?" hissed Heero.

"Trust me!" explained Duo. Then he called out to the tutued one "We request the meal of one twinkie each. The twinkies must be microwaved first, to achieve our favourite consistancy."

"A simple request. Done and done! Bring forth the microwaves and the twinkies!" commanded the tutued mackeral.

And so the microwaves and twinkies were brought forth. Duo and Heero's hands were unbound so that they could eat their final meal 'in the appropriate manner'. Of course, being Gundam Pilots, they quickly untied their legs without having the mackeral seeing them do it.

"I still don't get it, Duo. How are we going to get past all those mackeral?"

"When I say run, we run. Get it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

"Erm..." called out the chef mackeral "how long do you usually microwave a twinkie?"

"10 minutes!" replied Duo.

And so the twin twinkies were sent forth into twin microwaves, and the twin timers were set to the 10 minute increment. I would like to tell you that Heero and Duo were wearing twin grins. I would like to tell you, but Heero was not smiling. He was still puzzling over how twinkies, of all things, were going to save them.

"Duo...... Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Don't worry so much."

At that moment, things started to happen. It was a small thing at first: an odour of semi-singed twinkie. The odour grew stronger. Soon smoke could be seen billowing out the seams of the microwave. The moronic mackeral pressed closer, curious to see what the magical twinkies would be doing next.

"3......2.......1.............. Run, Heero!"

They ran. They ran into a lot of darkness. This was because Duo had forgotten their portable flashlight back in the room at the end of the tunnel. After running for 5 minutes, Duo (who was in front) slammed into something.

"Aha!" exclaimed Duo "The turn in the corridor! We gotta hurry, Heero!"

They turned the corner and ran, Duo in front, Heero behind. Heero would have been admiring the view if there had been any light.

"Woohoo! I see the light of lamp!"

Duo kept urging Heero on, muttering things like "Only 3 minutes to go." and "Hope that door is strong." Finally the tired couple flew through the Pink Ranger door, which closed behind them. They practically flew up the stairs and out of the tunnel. The mouse door closed behind them.

"Duo, won't they be following us?"

"Shhhh....... 5.....4.....3....2....1........"

*KABOOM *

Heero heard the explosion. Then he heard a swishing sound. Then a door bursting open kind of sound. Then the mouse door blew open, and tons of dead mackeral wearing underwear flew into the room. The mouse door closed just in time to have the dead fish fall right on top if it.

Heero and Duo just stared. Heero wondered if fish was harder to clean up than dust bunnies. Duo wondered how hard it was to get the scent of mackeral out of your underwear.

Of couse, under strict direction of comedic timing, Wufei, Trowa and Quatre walked into the room. They stopped abruptly. Well, Wufei and Trowa did. Quatre, being behind them, didn't notice that the other two had stopped, bumped into Wufei, sending him flying into the mackeral.

"Injustice!" screamed Wufei. The others laughed, and settled down to the task at hand: sorting underwear.

 

Epilogue

"Heero........ Heero......... Duo......... * shudder * Releana......."

Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei were sitting on the floor of a very fishy smelling bedroom. They were sorting the pile of underwear-wearing mackeral into piles. Piles of underwear, and piles of dead fish. Duo was stuck near a huge pile of mackeral wearing Releana's underwear.

"Hey, guys! I finally found a good use for chopsticks!"

Duo was using the chopsticks as hand extensions so he wouldn't have to touch the nauseatingly pink underwear. A cheer went through the happier G-boys, as they realized they wouldn't have to touch it anymore. Well, actually, Trowa and Quatre cheered, Heero did his trademark "Hn", and Wufei muttered something about a "stupid on'na".

"Hey!" interupted Quatre "Who'se Care Bear Underwear is this?"

Wufei grabbed it in a lightning-quick motion.

"You?" asked Trowa "Care Bears? I never would have guessed."

"They do not commit injustices." growled Wufei. "Unlike some people." he added under his breath.

Just then, Releana barged in the door.

"Oh Heero, I missed you, and I had it on good authority that you were here, and.......and......."

Her voice trailed off as her eyes took in the fact that here was her missing underwear, being worn by mackeral. Her underwear was being looked at by Heero! She felt faint.

Heero looked at her, and grinned a Duo grin.

"Hey, fishy gitch!" said Heero.

Releana's brain tried to make sense of the situation. It couldn't. She dropped dead right there and then from a mixture of shock and embarassment.

The fearless five were about to give a mighty cheer when they heard something that really scared them. Heero was laughing. And not just any laugh. It was a full blown, rolling on the floor, holding his sides because they hurt, tears streaming down his cheeks kind of laughter.

Wufei stared. Trowa stared. Quatre stared. Duo stared, then burst out laughing too.

The other three were still staring. Heero recovered enough to stammer "Duo...... horseshoe...... Walla walla." before launching himself into histerics again.

Eventually, Heero and Duo calmed down, and were able to tell their tale to Quatre, Wufei and Trowa.

"What I don't understand" said Quatre "is how Duo knew about the properties of twinkies."

"www.twinkies.com , silly! It was part of the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. project. That, and do you remember the time I blew up the kitchen?"

"Oh."

From that day forward, everybody was a lot happier, because Releana was no longer a problem. Everybody stayed the same, except Heero, who from that time forward always giggled whenever someone mentioned "Walla walla."

 

The End.

 

 

Well, as some of you may or may not know, this was a challenge fic, given to me by Angel Negra. So, here for your enjoyment, is the list of things I had to do.

Duo-Heero relationship

at least 4 of the following items:
-pink tutu
-bow and arrow
-Wufei's secret Care Bear underwear
-portable flashlight
-horseshoe
-hitch-Hiker's book
-mackeral
-Releana's underwear
-twinkies in a microwave
-a rabid teddy bear. (sorry 'bout this one. There was a bear, but he wasn't rabid. Then again, I didn't check his health before I hired him.....)

at least one of the following phrases:
-Woohoo! I see the light of lamp!
-Bite me
---no thanks, I hate dying of food poisoning.
-nah. I don't want to try to think like you. I'm too afraid of my brain committing suicide.

Include these items:
-Power Rangers action figure (preferably the pink one)
-an old rocking chair
-a rubber mouse

and, finally, include the killing of Releana.

So, how did I do?