5-18-2000

Hi guys, this is a special fic for me because of what it means.. Well, sometimes people around us really need help but we just don't care. Do we really don't care?? Are we that blind?? Why do we let people suffer when we know that maybe just listening to them could help them...We all are hurt in life but why do we hurt the one we love too?? I 'm sometimes revolted against the society I'm living in but I don't do anything to change it ... I just make myself bleed and I watch this ... I know there are other people like me whose case are more important than mine ... I wish I could help you...I hope someone is there for you wherever you are ... I wish I weren't that blind to other one's pain even if they try to hide it ... I promise but I did it again ... I just can't help myself .... I tell other people not to do it but I do ... I just need it to feel alive ... I've written this just for another friend. I know i've no right to say this, but don't do it again ... you're more serious about this than I am and that scares me ... please, don't do it too far ... sorry about all this, but it needed to be said ... I hope you guys can understand...
I dedicate it to you Shi-chan
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Songfic ansgt and a little bit 1+2
Standard disclaimers applied, I don't own GW nor the song . The song " Anna Lee " belongs to Dream Theater
*song's lyrics*
The title should be "Anna Lee" but since it hasn't really a relation with GW, I put my own title...^^;

 

The pain
*******

*Helpless child
they invite your hands to fill their needs
will you be the same
shameless smile
to still from you the innocence that bleeds
will they feel your pain*

He was staring through the window, through the night that reigned outside. The ground was covered with immaculate snow and fragile snow flakes were graciously falling from the sky. Coldness was everywhere, inside, outside, and in his heart. He was so tired ... when will he finally live for himself??? He hadn't had any childhood, then he had been raised to pilot and now he was fighting for a cause that wasn't his...He was wounded, hunted, he couldn' t live normally ... If he died, no one would regret it, for some one he was just a number, for others he was just a toy, the enemy, a cold murderer, he was feared and admired by the civilians maybe a friend for the other pilots ... If only this one cared a little bit, but he was just a partner, nothing else ... He was tired of his mask, it hurt so much but he couldn't do anything ... He had tried but he was afraid ... Afraid of being alone, afraid of the coldness, afraid of Death..., twist of fate for him him who claimed to be Shinigami...

 

*trying to believe
the scars unseen
the tears wash clean
you don't wanna breath the air you breath
you don't know how you'll live a life alone

she keeps holding on
holding on to you
let her breath the air
don't wanna be alone
where do you belong
Anna Lee*

 

He was so sorry ... He may look as if he had his head in the clouds, as if all he could do was speaking for nothing, as if everything was all right ... but it wasn't as easy as it seemed. He missed them so much ... but had he only the right to think about them??? He caused their death, all of them, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, the other children and Solo the first to be touch by the Maxwell's jinx, he thought bitterly. Lost in his thoughts, Duo didn't see Heero coming in their room. Heero knew something wasn't right with Duo.

This latter always woke up in the night, short breathing, tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes wide opened but not focused on anything in the room ... no, he focused on something in his mind. He knew that Duo thought he didn't care about him, but he just didn't know to do with the braided pilot. He didn't considered Duo as a weakness but he just couldn't show this latter that he meant something for him. He had checked the American 's past and understood why Duo had such an anguished gaze sometimes then he thought the others wouldn't notice ... He had seen the scars on Duo's wrists, himself had some but Duo's one always looked recents ... And Heero felt helpless cos he didn't know what to do. Duo started as he noticed Heero's presence.

 

*behind those eyes
the vivid scene
a lucid dream within
questioned secrets are revealed
and every time
you can't deny the lines that trace your skin
wounds that never heal*

" Heero? You scared me!! Whatcha want?? " Duo asked, cooking his head to the right side.

" Hn, dinner time... "

" Ah...I 'm not hungry, don't wait for me ... I'm tired ... I'll sleep " then Duo grinned and waved at Heero.

" Bye!! Enjoy your meal!!! "

Heero looked concerned at Duo, then went down the stairs. Duo sighed. Had Heero really looked concerned??? No, it should have been a light's trick. The Perfect Soldier, feeling something ... no way ... And if he did, it wouldn't never be for a street brat like him. He had more education and intelligence than one could think but he just couldn't show it. Sometimes it was easier to play the dumb, but it hurt to be considered only with this facet of his personality ... No, no one could love him and he had no right to love someone if he wanted this person to stay alive. Heero would be happy with Relena ... He always said he would kill her but never did anything ... just like he didn't when he threatened him but he wasn't the same. Relena, she, was a girl ... Talk of the wolf, you'll see the end of his tail (1) ... Duo sighed then narrowed his eyes ...Why did she come now?? Couldn't she ever let them in peace?? And now, her pink limo was shattering the pure white carpet outside, leaving dark furrows behind like wounds which would never heal no matter how much snow would fall, cos the suffering had been done. And now she was trampling, massacring the beauty that surrounded her, without noticing, too in a hurry to see her " dark fallen Prince ". She rang at the door. Duo heard Heero opening the door and muttering his trademark " omae o korosu " but letting her in because of Quatre whose education couldn't let him letting a " Lady " waiting outside in the cold. Duo chuckled bitterly ... He was inside and yet in the cold.

 

*trying to believe
the scars unseen
the tears wash clean
you don't wanna breath the air you breathe
you don't know how you'll live a life alone

She keeps holding on
holding on to you
let her breathe the air
don't wanna be alone
where do you belong
Anna Lee*

 

Duo heard them speaking, laughing ... but his heart was too heavy with secrets, guilt, death ... He went to his chest of drawers, looked for it, then took it. He sat on his bed, eyes in the void, and placed the blade against his left wrist. He winced as it sank into his tender flesh, then did the same with the right wrist. Would he go deeper this time??? He just didn't know … Duo looked at the tiny streams on his arms … Red … He had seen this color too much … but on his wrists it calmed him … It was as if he purified himself, let the innocence that had been perverted go away, all his shattered dreams … Now he had the choice to go on living this life if one could call it a life or yield into blackness … He couldn't … He was so scared … and he cried … would anyone ever understand what he was feeling? Would anyone take care of him and give him a hand? Someone who could help him to claw his way back again … And as he cried, alone and helplessly, life was going away through those lines that traced his skin. Then weakened by his loss of blood, he closed his eyes and laid his head on his pillow …

 

*and now she's calling out a name
can't keep on hiding all her pain
you feel the rain move in
as you begin
to turn and answer the call*

 

Heero was on the verge of going crazy … If only he could kill that Relena girl … Her shrill voice was giving him headache … And he was worried …Worried about Duo … This latter had been too grim, too serious and too anguished. He sometimes looked too lost … Heero left the table and went upstairs, telling the others he was going to see if Duo was OK. Their comrades had noticed Duo's changes too so they nodded. Relena wanted to follow him but fortunatly for her, Quatre managed to keep her at table … The Japanese pilot knocked at the door but heard nothing … He frowned … it was too early for Duo to sleep. Then
he slowly opened the door and gaped. The moon light was bathing Duo's body, and gave the room an unreal atmosphere … Heero's eyes narrowed when he saw something glitterring on the bed, near Duo's left hand, then widened when he understood the reasons of the dark spots on the sheets … he had believed at first it was some reflections because of the moon light but now it was too dark! He rushed at Duo's side, shouting his name … Duo slowly opened his eyes but closed them quickly … He really was too tired …

" Duo!! Baka, why did you do that?? "

" I'm just too tired, Heero …i t's time for me to stop running and face my fate … I should have died a long time ago … It 's not as if someone was gonna regret me … Quatre and Trowa are together, you have Relena … even Wufei has someone … but I am alone … I'm gonna rejoin those I should have been with… "

" Duooooooooo ! "The others pilots who had gone upstairs when they had heard Heero, were staring at the scene before them.Quatre went to the bathroom, took a towel and water and came back in the room where he handed it without a word to Heero. Heero took Duo in his arms and whispered in his ear, while taking care of his bleeding wrists :

" You think no one cares, you think you're all alone but you are not … I'll take care of you, I'll dry your tear. Shh, my love… "

Duo cried on his shoulder, tired both physically and emotionally. Relena had passed out when she saw the blood and Wufei decided to take her to the living room. Quatre and Trowa went in their room after being sure everything would be all right for the two other pilots.

Once Heero had bandaged Duo's wounds and changed the sheets, he took Duo in his arms again and kissed him. The object of his affection was too weak to answer to the kiss but he smiled and rested his head on Heero's shoulder, then he gave up and yielded into sleep. But this time he had a shelter. Someone who cared about him and who didn't give a damn about what he thought to be the Maxwell 's jinx.

No longer alone.

 

*trying to believe
the scars unseen
the tears wash clean
you don't wanna breath the air you breathe
you don't know how you'll live a life alone

She keeps holding on
holding on to you
let her breathe the air
don't wanna be alone
where do you belong
Anna Lee*

 

Heero watched the light sleeping burden in his arms.

" Don't ever think about doing this any other time … You belong to me now and I won't let you go. I wish I had told you before ... Will you forgive me? I promise to take care of you, you'll never have to do it again … I can't lose you, not now, not anytime soon … You'll see life is worth being lived, you'll never hang in the darkness anymore. You don't have to fear anything anymore cos I'll always be by your side for you … Ai shiteru Duo "

" Ai… shiteru, Heero "answered a sleepy voice, then they both gave up to sleep who was claiming them.

 

Owari.

 

(1)I dunno what do ya say in english, I didn't found…so I translated it word by word from French to English!! Sorry!!! ^^ ;

Oh god, it's really bad but I thought it meant something *frowns* well, I hope you did understand even if it's just a tiny little bit!!!
c&c welcome

ja ne,
aurelie