2-1-2001

Warning: Language, strangeness, oddness, weird. Relena bashing. Yaoi. Shonen ai. Dang, don't know what this was but I was trying for *HUMOR*. Yeah, right. This was in response to gthom's line challenges. Pairing: 1x2.

 

Gerbils, Bubblegum, and Cheese.

 

"Heero, I'm bored."

Stiffening, the Japanese pilot turned from his laptop to look at the long-haired boy warily. He knew what that meant. "Why don't you do something then instead of dancing around here listening to that horrible music of yours."

Sticking his tongue out at Heero, Duo turned his radio up louder. "You know you're just mad 'cause you can't get any," he taunted, dancing suggestively to the music as cobalt eyes followed him around the room. "Give it to me baby, uh huh uh huh!" Grinning at the death-glare that was shot at him, Duo sidled closer to the dark-haired boy's seat, still moving to the loud music. "You know you want me, Heero, don't deny your inner feelings."

Snorting, Heero glanced back at his computer, not wanting to look at the sexy boy gyrating so nearby. It was bad enough his own mouth had gotten him into the situation, he didn't want to make things worse by jumping Duo right before lunch. Then he'd be stuck explaining to Relena why they were late. Glancing at Duo who had his arms over his head and was dancing with an invisible pole, Heero groaned. //Me and my big mouth. I just had to turn down his advances this morning, didn't I. But damnit, I was tired.//

"Hey Heero, I'm still bored. Let's play a game! Come on, Heero, it'll be fun." Turning down the radio a bit, Duo draped himself over Heero's shoulder. True, he'd been pissed when his cobalt-eyed lover had refused him earlier, but he was definitely enjoying his revenge. And judging by the bulge in Heero's shorts, Heero was enjoying it too, whether he liked it or not. "What d'ya say, doll face, just you and me. We could play a role playing game, I still have those satin-covered handcuffs." Heero choked and Duo stood up, stifling his laughter. "On second thought I guess you wouldn't be interested. After all, you don't want any, right? Well that's fine with me."

Glaring for all he was worth, Heero debated on whether or not it would be worth it to just jump the boy, Relena be damned. It wasn't as if Duo didn't want him to, but he hated the thought of giving in to the boy's teasing. Glaring over his shoulder at the smirking boy, Heero raised an eyebrow. "No, that's a good idea. Let's role play, you be someone more interesting, and I'll be someone more interested." Seeing the way Duo's back straightened, Heero stifled a groan knowing he'd just gotten himself into even worse trouble.

"I see how you wanna be," Duo said quickly, leaning down and giving Heero's earlobe a quick tug with his teeth before crossing the room quickly. "You don't want to play with me anymore. I guess Relena's more your type. Well that's fine. Come on lover, let's go see what your girl's got in store for us today. Not that I was invited."

Wondering if he'd actually hurt the boy's feelings, Heero turned to look at him. Only to turn back to his computer quickly when he caught a glimpse of Duo's smooth backside as the boy changed his clothes. Grimacing at the tightness in his groin, Heero leaned forward, his head in his hand. //I can't take much more of this...//

* * *

"Relena! Hey, over here!"

Heero glared at Duo as the boy cheerfully waved the blonde girl to their table. He knew the two couldn't stand each other, so he was prepared for immaturity. It was as if they both regressed to seven-year-olds when they were together. //Well, at least this table hides a lot. Damnit, why did he have to wear that shirt!//

Arm stretched over his head as he waved to the Peacecraft, Duo didn't seem to notice how his cut-off shirt rode up exposing his bare midriff. //Yeah right. As if I don't see bang-bang-boy over there drowning in his own drool.// With a pleased grin, Duo stood and gestured for Relena to sit at the table. Giving her his most innocent smile when he saw her suspicious statement he didn't blink when she sat next to Heero. Duo didn't mind since he could tell his tiny shorts were keeping Heero occupied.

"Relena-darling," Duo purred, sitting again and leaning forward so Heero had a good view of his chest. "It was so sweet of you to invite us to lunch."

Glaring and not a little confused at the boy's manner, Relena scowled. "I didn't invite you and you know it. How long are you going to stand between us?" Glancing to the gorgeous boy beside her she hid a groan at the way Heero's eyes were glued to Duo's neck. "Heero," she said quickly, prodding the boy till he looked at her, his eyes surprised as if he'd forgotten she was there. "I really wish you hadn't brought him. It's customary to leave the paramour in the bedroom."

"I had to come," Duo said, not the least bit put off by the insult. "I'm here for a reason, might say it's a mission," he quipped, smiling sweetly at Heero.

"As if," Relena shot back, glaring at the boy and at Heero who was still paying no attention to her. "Did you get my letter, Heero?"

"Oh he got it alright," Duo said, not wanting to give the Japanese boy time to answer, not that he would anyway. "I can't believe you actually sent him a death-threat. That's so not the way to woo a guy, Relena."

"What are you talking about?" the blonde haired girl asked angrily. "Shut up and mind your own business. I'd never send my Heero a death-threat. For your information," she paused to raise her chin regally, "it was a love letter."

"I know," the long haired boy answered. "And that's a death-threat if I ever saw one. A love letter is a bullet from a fucking gun, fucker."

"Don't fuck her!" Heero said suddenly, not having been listening very carefully. "I didn't mean to push you that far!"

Laughing, Duo glanced at Relena who was choking as she stared in disbelief at Heero's anxious statement "Pay attention!" she cried, having gotten her breathing under control. "Heero! Really, I am ashamed of you. What has he done to you?"

Looking away, Heero cleared his throat as his cheeks reddened. The pictures wouldn't stop springing to mind as his brain helpfully gave him possible responses for the question. Glaring at Duo, his eyes warned the boy to stop taunting the pacifist-turned harridan beside him.

"What'sa matter Relena?" Duo asked in a baby voice, "You gonna cry now? Go ahead, honey, it's your party. You invited us." Seeing the girl's red face, Duo grinned and started singing. "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, you would cry to if it happened to you."

"Duo!"

"Yeah?" Blinking innocently at Heero's furious statement Duo broke into a grin. Turning to the equally furious girl, he pouted and looked downcast as if he felt bad for his actions. "I couldn't help myself?" he asked, grinning when Relena snorted and turned away from him so she was facing Heero.

"I still don't understand why you had to bring him, Heero. There is absolutely no reason for him to be here." Hearing the boy in question clear his throat, Relena stiffened and turned slowly to see what he was going to do.

"I told you, Relena, I'm on a mission. I'm here to kick your ass and chew bubble gum, but I'm out of bubble gum."

At the thought of any part of Duo, even his foot, touching the girl's ass had Heero choking. "Don't..." That was all he could get out before he broke into a coughing fit.

"Heero! Are you alright?"

"Ah, don't worry about it," Duo said cheerfully, recognizing Heero's disgusted statementand guessing what must have been going through the boy's head. "Just get us some food and something to drink and I'm sure he'll be fine. Especially if it has cheese."

Remembering the time Duo'd come back from shopping with two bottles of instant cheese spray, Heero began to choke in earnest, his face turning red.

"Come on, Heero, don't be that way," Duo said cheekily, "Cheese is a good thing."

Fighting to stop his coughing, Heero glared for all he was worth, mouthing words that he couldn't quite get out.

"I know, I know," Duo muttered, seeing Heero's message. "Omae o korosu. Well that's cool, but only if I get to do this." Standing, he made his way around the table till he stood beside Relena. Smiling down at her, he pulled a gun out of his shirt and pressed it to the shocked girl's temple. "Omae o korosu, bitch."

Staring into the gun, all Relena could do was hold still and wait for her life to flash before her eyes. Frowning, she wondered why the only image she got was one of Heero holding her severed head with the caption, "Got Grief?" written beneath him. Then the moment was over and she was staring at the gun again.

"Duo!"

Afraid to blink, Relena didn't move when Heero suddenly stood and grabbed the boy, pulling him away from her as he took the gun. "Heero, you saved me!" She was about to thank him again when he suddenly bent and picked the long-haired boy up in his arms, turning as he walked away. "Heero?! Where are you going?!"

Heero who was whispering furiously in Duo's ear, glanced back at her. "Hn."

Duo on the other hand was grinning madly, a faint flush to his skin as he looked over Heero's shoulder to wave at the girl. "We're going to go have sex now!"

Pausing to shut the boy up with a kiss, Heero squeezed the boy in his arms. "Be good or I'll do it standing up."

"But Heero," Duo whined, "Last time we did that I had welts on my wrists for days."

"Then behave and we can do Gerbil." Heero said, voice low as he kissed the boy one more time before walking farther away from the girl who was still staring after them in shock.

"I'll be good," Duo promised, burrowing against Heero's strong chest. "Gerbil sex rocks."

~Owari~