7-20-2001

oi! as a newbie, i feel obligated to come equipped with an opening fic. nothing much, just an old fic i fixed up a bit, not one of my favorites or best i think, but not one i inwardly cringe at too much either.

this was my first songfic, and i'm afraid i rather butchered it some. with songfics, i've found out, it's hard for me to avoid narration of the dull variety. i end up having to squeeze things around to make the words fit the lyrics, and so of course the fic jumps around. my excuse is stream of consciousness... ^_^;;

i really like the lyrics, but i'm afraid i didn't capture and do them justice. *sigh* anyways, enough babbling, here i go.

anibe ^_^

Title: Zero
Author: anibe
E-Mail: anibe@ureach.com
Archive: whoever wants it ::crickets chirping:: right. ^^;;
Category: songfic, oneshot, angst, pov
Summary: duo's pov on, what else?, heero. i just have to make the other gboys as obsessed with him as i am. ^_^;; other ruminations on his past, basically his thoughts jumping around, angsting badly, centering on heero...
Rating: i guess pg-13?
Pairings: 2+1
Warnings: shounen-ai, vague nc implications, nothing explicit
Spoilers: natch
Disclaimer: GW and the song Zero do not belong to me
Feedback: i'd love some if you could ^_^

 

Zero

 

I look into the mirror, but it's so hard to see. Large violet eyes, a fringe of chestnut-colored bangs, and a wide smile. Always a smile.

--my reflection, dirty mirror--

I don't recognize the one in the mirror. Who have I become? Or is it what have I become? What have I done to myself so that even I can no longer see beneath the layers? Always running, always hiding, and now forever lying. I try, but the walls just won't come down.

--there's no connection to myself--

I close my eyes to shut out the image of the smiling boy who mocks me. But once I do, I'm lost, as thoughts of him, always him, flash in my mind, overriding everything else. The ingrained features that haunt me. The smooth, supple body that consumes me with a burning, shameful lust. The eyes that penetrate through my every flimsy defense. The soul I so desperately wish to connect to. He's the one, the only one, that I know could make everything right. If I close my eyes long enough, I can almost feel his embrace.

--i'm your lover--

He's my madness. My disease. My complete and total obsession. He's what I see when I close my eyes, because he's my destination. With him, I forget everything. With him, I lose all control. With him, I'm blinded, and I just don't care.

--i'm your zero--

He's intangible, beyond my grasp. And what little I have of him is so very fragile. But he's all I see. He's all I want. He feeds my hope and keeps me going.

--i'm the face in your dreams of glass--

I know it's a dream. Faint and whispery with no substance to cling onto, but for me, it's enough. Because without it, I'm left with only the haunting memories, the painful present, and the bleak future. Left with the infinite darkness that's only now just beginning.

I used to pray. All the time. I prayed for salvation, for release, but most of all, I prayed for forgiveness. How silly of me, praying so soon, so much, when it only gets worse, when there's still so much more I've yet to know.

--so save your prayers for when you're really going to need 'em--

If I think or remember or care, I won't survive. And so I smile and laugh recklessly in the face of anything that comes my way. I won't call it living. But I'll exist in the moment, acting on my every impulse.

--throw out your cares and fly wanna go for a ride?--

I wonder how long I can go on this way. Buried beneath layers of deception, entangled within them. Ignoring the past that made me who I am. Denying all feelings. Forgetting all things. He saves me. Just as I save him from self-destructing, he unknowingly revives me when I'm so close to the edge. He forces me to feel things I wish I didn't. He makes me come alive. He's the one light that hasn't yet been extinguished. He's the whole world I revolve around. He's truly my last hope for anything.

--he's the only one for me
he's all i really need cause
he's the one for me--

I'm so close. Always so close. I try to shut him out, but the dream just won't leave me. I wonder if he's anything anymore. If he's anything more than a symbol, a dream, more than intangible desires molded into a physical form. I hope he isn't. I don't want it to be real. What good has reality ever done me? I don't want him to want me. Not when I'm like this. Not when my laughter is harsh and the smiles never reach my eyes. Not when I act without feeling. Not when I'm so hollow inside. I'm alone. I always have been. Anything else has been only fleeting illusion. I know better now. Know that there's nothing at all.

--emptiness is loneliness--

And I'm glad there's nothing. I wall myself off. I don't want to touch. I don't want to taint something beautiful with such dirty hands. And I don't want to be touched. Not anymore. God, make it stop. I don't want it anymore. Because if I'm untouched, won't I be clean?

--and loneliness is cleanliness--

Can't I wash my hands of all the blood? Can't I forget all the deaths and the killing? Can't I forget their hard, insistent bodies pressed so closely to mine? Can't I forget this unnatural love? Can't I ever have my absolution? I'll wipe the slate clean of all the filth that pervades me, so that there's nothing left at all. Only then can I become Shinigami.

--and cleanliness is godliness--

The God of Death. Above humanity. Above feeling. I'll be one with the gaping void inside of me. I'll kill without remorse. I'll sleep without waking. I'll survive without living. I'll see him without wanting.

--and god is empty just like me--

The chaos I fight in everyday echoes the turmoil I feel inside. I'm high on its potent drug. The total anarchy. With Deathscythe, I'm transformed. I drink from the spilled blood. I thrive on the shrill screams. And I laugh the laugh of insanity. I can forget myself. So brief the flash of pleasure, yet so intense.

--intoxicated with the madness--

It's all encompassing, the thick melancholy, both dulled by time yet renewed fresh each day. I welcome the pain, because it's the only true feeling I've got. The only one to remind me that I'm still alive.

--i'm in love with my sadness--

God, these people are so full of it. What do they know? With their false notions of peace. Fighting and killing, all this raw destruction, and for what? Is there even one thing that anyone has gained? I'm fueled by my anger. At all the misguided people, the alliance, Romefeller, OZ, White Fang, the colonies, no one has any fucking idea what's going on. But they won't admit it, and they won't ever stop. The suffering just goes on. I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore.

--bullshit fakers--

Maybe, maybe I could've really fought for peace. Maybe once there was something worth fighting for. I never saw it, but the Sank Kingdom, I think it could've been worth everything. I'm glad - I'm glad he got to see it.

--enchanted kingdoms--

When I needed so badly to feel the sharp sting of pain, I only had to roll down my sleeves. When I needed so badly to be lost in ecstasy, I only had to wash the sheets. When I needed so badly to just get away, I only had to change the labels.

--i never let on that i was on a sinking ship--

I played my part well. I covered up the pain. I concealed all the longing. None of them ever even guessed. But he- The way he looked at me. Maybe I was just hiding it from myself all along. I hope he never saw-

--i never let on that i was down--

I'm a sinner. I asked for it. And when the time came, I begged for it. It was wrong. I didn't want it then. I never, never expected to want it now. I tried, tried so hard to cleanse myself of my perversion. But I can't. I can't.

--you blame yourself for what you can't ignore--

I remember every word he's every spoken. Every look he's ever exchanged. I have his image branded into my memory, comforting me in my darkness. I have the thought of him, the dream. I think, I think I may even have his friendship. And most of all he hasn't left me yet. But it's not enough. Why? Why am I like this? Why do I feel this way? I want it all to stop. I beg to be forgiven for all my transgressions, but this most of all. How laughable. No one hears the pleas of a sinner. I shouldn't want him. Why do I insist on hurting myself more and more? God help me, but I want him so badly.

--you blame yourself for wanting more--

I pray, somehow, someway, I'll have him. I pray he'll take the darkness away. The first moment we met, I felt the connection. It was the most powerful feeling, and it's relived every day. I need him. I can't help it, but I do. And I'll cling onto my desperation, until there's nothing left at all.

Because, becase...

--he's the one for me
he's all i really need
he's the one for me
he's my one and only--

...he's my one and only.

 

*owari*