12-16-2000

Notes: Oi Minna! Wow… *looks around and blinks* Have I been out of it or what? Sheeze! Well, I’m back… kinda… I just got this idea stuck in my head and I had to write it down. Especially since it fits into the November Challenge Theme. *giggles* Erm… what else… um… oh yeah!

Warnings: Angst, POV, OOC, AU--- I guess, um… I think that’s it.

JBDuo: Ain’t it enough?

Ana: *smack* Quiet! Stupid muse! If you hadn’t bit me I wouldn’t have to go through all this embarrassment ‘cause I’ve been lurking.

JBDuo: Not my fault.

Ana: *glare* Anyway… C&C craved and loved! ^.~ Don’t judge it to harshly, my pitiful little fic, I’m not good with death fics. *sweatdrop and sniffle* Thanks and enjoy!

 

~Ana~

 

~ Two Words Hung in the Wind…

I stand and watch. I sit and watch. I just fucking watch. Why, I don’t know! What is it that I keep watching? Why is it so fascinating to watch this beauty? There’s nothing really all that great about the beauty. They look just like everyone else. But how he--- yes that’s right he--- acts, it just makes me want him more. Sure, he his beautiful, such a lithe form that has so much grace to it. Pale, pale, pale skin, like snow almost. Chestnut colored hair that hangs down in a beautiful braid. Jagged chestnut bangs that counsel those stunning deep violet orbs. I still don’t know how this obsession started.

Sure, he is every school girls dream. Popular, cute, funny, smart… but, those things I do not lov… LIKE… him for. I like him for those hidden things. Those things hidden behind his mask of smiles and jokes. His depth and intellect. Am I the only one that sees them?

I never used to like him. Or, wait, no, I don’t like him, I’m just mildly obsessed. Ah fuck, I like him! So, I admit it, I like him… but like I said, I never used to. I always though he was beautiful… that is just part of his charm. As I got to know him better… I found this hidden depth that I just had to know more about. He is like a drug to me. Keeping me from doing whatever it is that I am doing. Of course it started out, as a crush… don’t all relationships? Then it progressed into… into… into… well, whatever it is; the word isn’t popping into my head.

Why must everyone love him too? Why can’t I just be the only one? Why can’t he just love me too? I don’t know and it’s driving me insane! I hate to be jealous, but I am! I’m fucking jealous and I can’t stand it! I’m so quiet. Maybe that’s it. I hardly ever say a word. He simply smiles at me and says "Hey." Then leaves to be mauled by the flaky girls that don’t realize that he has a girlfriend.

Oh yes, that’s the most horrible thing ever. He’s got a girlfriend. I’ve even heard he loves her. *sigh* Great, ne? Now how am I to have a chance with him if he has a girlfriend? But if it wasn’t meant to be then why am I angsting over it? I dunno. I just don’t know! Oh but his girlfriend just has to be beautiful, god damnit, and she is. She too is pale, slender and has bright, beautiful eyes. That short indigo hair and those pouty lips. She’s brilliant to boot! They’re never apart. Would I blame her to be separated from him? I can’t even stand it when I don’t see him over the weekend.

Yeah, perhaps I am weak. I’m in lo… v… *ahem* I like a guy that I only know through school. But I just can’t help myself. I see him with his girlfriend and I wish I were the one he held in his arms. Oh god how I wish. I hope I get a chance to see him during Winter break. I doubt I will. Not unless he goes to L1 with me. Ah! Stupid family! I don’t want to go away. I want to stay here and see him in town. I hate being away from him. God! Ya know, I keep going back to the fact that I barley know him… but then again I do. I dream about him every night… I know what he hides behind that mask of his… I hide too.

I think he is making me weak! I just don’t get it. I am looked at as perfect. I have the grades, the skill, the manner and I am turned into dust in his wake. Why? Damnit, I can’t even talk about one thing about him with out going to another. Stay on the subject, Heero! Stay on topic! But I can’t! There are so many things about him that I lo… *ahem!*… like, it’s hard to talk about just one.

I sigh and shake my head, walking into homeroom. He sits in front of me. Thank the gods up there. He smells so good. I wish I knew what it was that he wore. He walks in, so carefree. How beautiful. He gently slips into his seat. Such grace. God I love it! He turns to me, big violet eyes lighting up as he gives a little wave.

"Hey, Heero."

"Oi, Duo."

He nods at me. It kinda bugs me but his father is some sort of Japanese obsessed. Yes, you heard me. His father loves the Japanese culture so, unfortunately or fortunately, I haven’t deiced yet, he knows my language. Probably about as well as I do.

"So Heero," he gracefully turns in his seat, resting his elbow on my desk, "What are you doing for Winter break?"

I stare at him a moment. Those violet eyes searching through my soul. I fear that sometimes, as he looks into my eyes, my soul will leak out of them. I swallow, finding my voice deep in my stomach and speak. "I’m going away."

"Away?" He raises a slender chestnut eyebrow at me and I nod. Duh! He probably thinks I’m some sort of lonney who’s being sent to the funny farm or something. I mean, hell, he barely knows me. No, he knows I’m a good person, so’s I think he does. "Where are you going?"

"My parents are dragging me to L1 to see my grandfather."

"Really? That’s cool. I’d love to go to the colonies… I’ve only ever been once. And that was when Hildie too me."

"Yeah." He nods at me and there is this awkward silence. I hate it. It bugs me. We just stare at each other until one of us speaks up. It’s normally him though.

"That’s really cool. I hope you have fun."

"Yeah… I guess."

He smiles and nods at me again. I love his smile, so full of life. I wish I had that much life in me. The bell finally rings and we move onto 3rd period. I push by everyone else, just so I can stand by him as we leave the room. Of course though, even as I do accomplish that feat, there is his girlfriend waiting for him. She runs and lands in his arms. The kiss and talk baby shit to each other. Don’t make me gag. *GAG!* I just don’t get it sometimes. I hear him talk about her. How much she bugs him sometimes but then I hear he loves her. I just don’t get it. I shake my head as I head to 3rd. I know he’ll be right behind me. We do have that class together after all… and thankfully, she doesn’t.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

Finally, the day is over. With the ring of the bell we leave for Winter break. Everybody is happy, but not me. I want to stay. I want to stay with him. I want to stay and watch him. I want to watch the perfectness of him. I think… but, that’ll never happen. I’ll see him again, I know it. I can hear him chattering with one of the girls behind me. Him behind me makes me walk funny. I guess I’m self-conscious. Ah, I know I am.

I push the doors of the school open and the cold, snowy, breeze blows in making me shiver. I let go of the door and step into the winter wonderland only to hear someone behind me again.

"Yo, Heero! Man, it’s cold! Aren’t ya happy we’re outta this hell hole?"

I turn and stare at him, bright violet orbs alight with the winter sun. "Hai. Very happy."

"Good. Me too. So, ya just going to the colony for Christmas or will you be there the whole time?"

I sigh, kicking the powdery snow under my sneakers. "The whole time. We leave as soon as I get home."

He blinks at me. Did I see sadness in those violet eyes?! He smiles his same lopsided grin. "Ah, lucky. Sounds like fun."

"I guess."

"Yeah, it will be," he nods and smiles again as we get to the parking lot. He runs over to his black Jeep, opening the trunk and tossing his stuff in. "I’m shocked Hildie isn’t with him."

"Yeah well, she had stuff to do after school," he grins.

OH FUCK! I said that out loud! AHHHHH! I can’t believe that! Shit! What kind of a moron am I?! People always say "Don’t think out loud" and I did! I’m frozen in place. I feel a blush creep into my cheeks as he comes over to me. I’m kinda glad we’re the only ones in the parking lot. The perks of getting your stuff together before school is over.

He looks me over and smiles, tossing his braid over his shoulder and pulling his keys from his pockets. "Sheeze, you must be cold. Your cheeks are red. Ha-ha-ha, see ya around then, Heero. Have fun in the colonies." He smiles at me again, nodding his head and climbing in his car to leave. He beeps the horn and waves at me as he drives off.

I just want to fall down. How embarrassing! How WONDERFUL! Yes! I can’t wait to get back to school and see him. Ha-ha, yes. I smile, spinning on my heal--- now that I finally remembered how to walk--- and headed for my car only to leave again for the colonies.

*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*

I trudge through the hoards of people. I hate flying. Have I ever mentioned that? I especially hate to fly when it’s crowed like this at the airport. Why do I even have to come on this thing anyway? “Because your grandfather wants to see you.” Bleck! Yeah right. All he’ll do is criticize how I dress, act and “Are you still into boys, you pussy?” Yeah, real encouragement there, grandpa.

I sigh sadly, readjusting my backpack over my shoulder. I wish he were here with me. He gives me such strength. He is so beautiful. I wish I got to sit next to him on this damn ship for hours and hours on end. I could complain to him about the food and how uncomfortable I was and whether or not I was cold. Ha, yeah right… I can’t even form whole sentences when he’s around. That or I think out loud… shit about his girlfriend. OH! I’m such a fucking moron!

They finally call out our gate number and we head for the shuttle. My parents are attached to me like a hawk. I’m glad there’s only two seats per row. That way I won’t have to sit with them. We finally board the plane and I sit in an isle across from my parents--- by the window of course. Some old guy comes and sits down next to me. That’s cool, at least I won’t have my parents watching my every move.

I sigh, leaning my head in my hand and staring out at the world as we take off. I love to just stare into that beautiful sea of stars. I know he loves to look at the Moon. I do to. I wish I could stare at the Moon forever with him. That is one of my fantasies; to just sit and watch the pale moon with him all night long and then watch the sun raise in the morning. Oh god, I wish that actually would happen. But, alas, something like that would never happen.

I continue to stare out the window--- I see the colony up ahead. Yay me! I get to go and put up with my grandfather and all of his remarks. Fag this; queer that. GOD! I hate it so much! I wish that something would just blow me out of the sky and I would die. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with it. But no, I could never die. I’d have to at least touch Duo, in one way or another, before I could do that.

I think that’s the hardest thing about my infatuation with the loudmouthed beauty; I can never touch him. I can brush up against him or accidentally run into him. But it’s not the same. I just would like to hug him, hold him, touch him, kiss him, love him. Why can’t I do that? Why must I be made to suffer with this fucking angst?! Heh, must have been murderer in my past life.

Oh goodie, here we are. We land safely and out of the plane I go… into the jaws of death, into the mouth of hell, walked Heero Yuy. Oh, and who do I see? Oh, my loving grandfather here to greet me and my parents. He’s an ugly old man, stricter than hell. I must admit, though, I think I actually hate him. Yeah, I do. I hate him. He greets my parents and passes me by, only to look at me sternly.

“Boy.” Oh, what a loving name for me. He stopped using my real name after my annoying cousin, Sari, told him my sexual preference. And is there anything wrong with that?! Fuck no!! Who am I hurting?! No one!! Do people care?! Hell yes!! Why do they care?! I don’t fucking know!! I take a deep breath and simply turn my head from him. At this rate, I’ll go insane

I just don’t understand it. I just don’t. What I want to do, who I want to love is my own business. My parents didn’t have a problem with it, not even my father… why does he? I shake my head slightly and I can feel my mother’s concerned eyes on me. I brush them off, flipping my hair out of my eyes. I think though, if anyone at school knew, I’d be a dead man. Especially Duo. If he found out that he was the one I feel into lo… erm… no… that he was the one I liked, then what would he say? Shun me? Hate me? Kill me?

Ha-ha, I’ve worked all the sonorous out in my head. Perhaps one day I’ll tell him. Or do something very drastic like kissing him or belting out my feelings for him… in one way or another. I just don’t know. *shrugs* I’ll do it though, eventually. But at any rate, I’m not going to think of him. Not today… or should I say now? Ha, I’ll think about him later; when I get to my room and lock myself in there. Yep. What a great plan. Ha-ha-ha! Jesus, I want to go home. Please, let me go home… to the one I love.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

I race into that old house. It’s always smelled like shit. I don’t know what it is. *shudders* Old man smell, that’s what it is. I race to my room. I always have that room when I stay here, way up in the attic away from anyone. I like it that way. I won’t have my mother, mother me--- my father, father me… or my grandfather be an asshole to me. Yeah, that’s good. Or have my little cousins come and bug me.

I hate my little cousins. They get on my nerves!! I sigh and shake my head. I proceed to dump my stuff all over the room. It’s just a small room, mind you. A well prepared and made bed, a huge skylight window with a window seat and a chair with a record player on it. It’s nice. I don’t mind it. I dig through my bag and pull out my jean jacket. It’s a lot warmer than my tanktop. I smile, throwing the worn fabric over my shoulders and climb out the skylight.

I brush the snow off of the roof. Sure, all of the weather in the colonies is created by a machine but they still have weather, and snow is just part of it. I flop down on the roof and stare out over the city. Light snowflakes begin to fall on my dark hair and I smile, just a little bit. I’ve always loved the snow. I had a dream one night that Duo and I were making snow angels in the snow. *sigh* It was the best dream I’ve had in a long time. Any dream with him in it is a good dream.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

I don’t know how long I’ve been up here. Hours, days, weeks, long enough to think that it’s time to go home? … Maybe. But, from how cold I am, I’d say about an hour. I hear my grandfather pounding at the door. “Boy! Are you up here!? Come down now, ya queer!” I don’t even flinch. Why should I? I know that I am who I am and have come to except it. There is nothing wrong with me. I nod, stand, and brush the snow from my ass and slip down the drainpipe. I think I’ll go for a walk.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

The city is so beautiful. I do love the colonies… even if I don’t seem like I do. I find it amazing that people can actually live in space. They really have no help from Earth anymore. I just find it interesting is all. The colony looks so beautiful this time a year. The colored lights sparkle in the cool air and children run around happily, not a care in the world. I can hear carolers over on the other street and everything is happy. Sure, it’s a few days from Christmas, but it’s still nice.

I continue my walk until I reach the center of town. And there, standing in the middle is a massive Christmas tree, adorned with beautiful lights, ornaments and beads. I smile then raise my gaze to the top. There, twinkling brightly in the dim lights of the dying day is a star. It shines with so much hope, to give all of us hope. My smile grows. I do love Christmas. What is it they say? Make a wish on Christmas and have it come true? I don’t know. I’m probably wrong. Oh well.

“I wish… I wish… I wish for the love of Duo Maxwell.” I smile a stupid grin and blush, but no one seems to hear my whispered prayer… just the wind, perhaps.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

I sigh, kicking the fresh snow on the sidewalk of the house. I hate this house; not only does it smell bad, it looks like shit ‘cause grandpa can’t decorate! I shake my head and head over to my drainpipe. Ever since things in my family life feel apart… or well, actually, it’s my grandfather that feel apart… but anyway--- ever since it feel apart I’ve used this drainpipe to escape. To get away from whatever it is… or well, my grandfather actually. I nod and brush my hair out of my face again. Sometimes I just think I should cut it. But then I wouldn’t look like me then would I? Well, maybe that’s what I want.

I chuckle to myself and start to climb up the drainpipe. Suddenly I lurch backwards and fall in the snow. Someone had grabbed my foot and pulled me down. I jump to my feet and get in a position to defend myself when I look up into cold gray eyes. My fucking grandfather.

“Boy, what the HELL do you think you are doing?!”

I shrug at him, which I think infuriates him even more, as I head once again for my drainpipe. Well he’ll have none of it, as I’m thrown to the ground. I feel a sharp pain in my stomach as if the wind was knocked out of me and I fall to my knees.

“Were you out with one of those other queers, boy?”

I wheeze and gasp for breath. The old man’s flipped his lid. Why must he hate me so much? He’s just a fucking bastered! But, I’ll never fight back. That would make me just as weak as he is. I slowly pull myself to my feet and glare at him, still trying to find my breath.

“Well, where you, fag? Where you out with some other queer?!”

I say nothing, only glare. I have been described as having cold and icy looking eyes… and a “death glare”. He too glares, perhaps that’s where I get it from. He raises his fist and strikes me in the eye, then one to the lip and nose. I fall to the ground again, spitting out blood and silently cursing because I can not see. I gently touch my bloody lip and swiftly stare up at him.

“What does it matter to you?!”

“Boy,” he grabs my collar and holds me above the snow, “If I can’t be with boys then neither can you!” I blink at his comment and he throws me across the snow until I roll onto the sidewalk. He simply glares. Those eyes are so cold and gray. I hate them. I quickly pull myself to my feet, though my body screams for me not to. I really just want to lay down and never get up again--- I ache that much. I shake my head and quickly spin on my heel and start to run. I know he can not catch me. I’m way to fast for that old bastered. I don’t even think he tried.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

I finally collapse on a park bench. I’m freezing and I ache. My lips are chapped and swollen from the hit. My nose isn’t bleeding anymore, but it burns with the cool air. I stomach doesn’t hurt as much anymore, thankfully. My legs are like lead… I’m so tired. I lay my head on the cold wood of the bench and just try to calm my breathing. Well, isn’t this great?! I’m stuck on this pissy ass colony alone and beaten. Yay. I just want to beat myself upside the head for that sarcastic comment. But then, that’s all I need, a headache. I sigh.

It’s so late; there’s no one around to see my pain. No one cares for me anyway. And I? And I care for only one. Ha-ha-ha, and he cares not for me. Jesus… tomorrow’s Christmas Eve and I’m alone for the first time in my life. Well, no, I can’t say that ‘cause it’s not true… but still.

I slowly sit up and brush my bangs from my eyes. I habit that I seem to have acquired so I could see Duo better. I blink, a sudden revelation hitting my brain--- Duo, the beautiful angel that has captured my infatuation for a year now. I sigh again and shake my head. I’m such a fucking moron! Like Duo even cares! Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see something. I swiftly turn and all I see is one thing… a phone. I have this feeling in my gut, I walk to the phone, telling me: “Don’t do it you baka, you’ll regret it!!” But, I don’t seem to be listening. I pick up the receiver in my trembling, frozen, hand and add the right amount of change and dial…

It rings several times and I’m tempted to hang up. I forgot how late it was. Then, I hear the click and a groggy, “Hello?” It’s him. It’s him! It’s him!! He picked up the phone! I don’t know what to say, he’ll probably think I’m some sort of psycho for calling him.

“Duo…” I whisper, barley audible.

There is long pause on his end. Very long. It worries me. I should probably hang up the phone and walk away, pretend like this whole thing never happened. But, something is keeping the phone in my hand and me frozen in place. I stare down at the worn off numbers on the keypad. I don’t want to raise my eyes; I don’t know why.

“Heero?”

I raise my eyes from the numbers and stare up at nothing, but if he were there talking to me, it would have been him. “Hai.”

“Heero!” There seems to be some sort of panic in his rich tenor voice. I feel a light smile creep into my aching lips, but it quickly goes away. “Damn man, whatcha calling this late for?! Why are you calling?! I thought you were in the colonies!”

“Gomen nasai, Duo.”

“Erm… it’s cool, dude. What’s the matter? You don’t sound right, is everything ok?”

“Duo…”

“Yeah?”

“I need your help.”

Another long pause. He must be debating this… that or he’s really freaked out! Hell, I would be too. If some guy you barley even know calls your house in the middle of the night asking for help, what would you do? Hang up. Yeah, he’ll probably hang up too.

“What is it? What do you need?”

Now I’m the one with the long pauses. Shit! I wasn’t expecting him to actually help me! What am I going to ask him for anyway?! Jesus, I only wanted to talk to him. Now what?

“Heero?”

“Hai?”

“What is it? What do you need? Are you ok? Has something happened?”

Well yes actually, my grandfather beat the shit out of me and I’m sleeping in a park on a colony so far from home. What do you think is wrong with me?! I take a deep breath and sigh. “I need… I need to go home.”

“Um… I don’t quite understand.”

“My family kicked me out,” I mumbled. Perhaps he won’t hear that.

“Why?” Fuck!

“It doesn’t matter!” Shit, I didn’t mean to sound that defensive. Now what does he think? It’s hard to say really, he’ll probably hang up right now and forget about me and my stupid phone call.

“Ok. Do you need money?”

“Huh?!” I blink rapidly at the phone. How did he know that? I just need a little to get back home. How did he know?!

“Well, are you coming back to Earth or are you going to stay there? Either way you’ll need some money. I’ll wire you some. My dad’s got plenty just lying around. Ok?”

Ok, where has my voice gone? I just continue to blink. I can’t believe it! He actually wants to help me?! Perhaps I should give myself more credit than I do. I don’t know. I just…

“Heero?”

“Hai?”

“Are you coming back to Earth?”

“Um…” Come on, think this through! You don’t want to stay here on this floating rock with your bastered grandfather, do you? You want to go there and stay with your beautiful lover, don’t you? Think, Yuy! “Um… yeah, I’m coming back to Earth.”

“Do you have anyplace to stay?”

“Ano… iie.”

“Ok then. You can come and stay with me.”

“WHAT?!?!” I can’t feel my legs! I can’t feel my legs! My heart is pounding so hard I think it might explode!! Did he actually ask me to stay with him?!? No way, I’m imagining it. Aren’t I?

“Yeah, you can come and stay with me.”

“Demo… I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not imposing. I wouldn’t have asked you if I thought you’d impose. Besides, I know what it’s like to have a bastered family. So, you shall stay with me until you get back on your feet. Hai?”

“Um…”

“Yeah, you are. I’ll wire you the money and some extra for a taxi. I live at 400 Lake view Dr. And you better show up too, Heero Yuy… or I’ll come to that colony myself and hunt you down. Ok?”

“Aa… Duo… I…”

“Just say yes, Heero.”

“Uh… yes.”

“Good. I’ll be waiting for you. Ja ne!”

“Ja, Duo…” *click* I blink rapidly at the phone in my hand. How the HELL did his happen!?!?! I’m really, really, REALLY, confused. He just up and invites me to stay with him and he wires me money as well!! What is up with that?!? “Dumbass! Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted?!? Stop analyzing it! Go to your love!” I shake my head at my foolishness and nod. Yep, sometimes that inner voice makes sense.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

I race to the airport… well, I think it’s more like shuttle port but what the fuck does it matter? I’m going back to Earth! And to stay with Duo! I smile to myself as I race to the gate; the money Duo lent me balled up in my fist. I grab a window seat and fidget impatiently as the shuttle takes off. Yes! There are very few people on this flight. It’s mostly businessmen trying to make it home for Christmas Eve.

I can’t wait to see Duo! I can’t! I don’t believe he let me stay with him. FUCK! That has just brought one thing to mind. I can’t believe he let me stay with him. Maybe it’s some cruel joke or he’s just seeking revenge for something… like calling him at 2 o’clock at night! No! No! NO! I shake my head, trying to get this sudden feeling of dread out of my head. It can’t be. Duo’s not cruel like that. I’m just worried because I have no idea why he would invite me to stay with him. It’s ok. It doesn’t matter anyway, just as long as I get to Earth. Yes. I sit back in my seat, staring out into the beautiful sea of stars--- but that still weighs on my mind… even as I try so desperately to push it away.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

The shuttle lands and I grab the first taxi I see. I tell him the address and off we go. Luckily Duo doesn’t live that far from the airport. Unfortunately, I don’t remember the address he gave me, so, I just have the taxi cab driver drop me off at the beginning of the neighborhood.

It’s a wooded area. The snow looks so beautiful on the trees; just lightly kissed with the pale silver moon, so very beautiful, just like Duo. I slowly begin my trek through the neighborhood to find his house. I have no idea what it looks like. Perhaps he’ll be waiting for me. Perhaps there’s a light on for me. Or, perhaps he’ll be standing outside, chilled to the bone, just to wrap me in his arms and hold me tight. YEAH RIGHT!! I must be cold; I’m delusional!

The snow starts to fall from the midnight blue sky again. I stop and stare into the stars, watching my breath hang in the air. I’m so captivated by this magical moment that I don’t hear it. I just don’t hear it.

“OI!! HEERO!!”

My head snaps down and there is Duo. He’s across the snowy ground from me. Waving his arms wildly and jumping up and down. I blink.

“HEERO!! MOVE!! GET OFF THE ICE!!”

Ice? I stare down and notice that I’m standing on the frozen lake. The ground was so covered in snow that I couldn’t tell the road from the lake. The frozen lake that seems to be cracking under my feet. FUCK!!

“MOVE HEERO!! GET OFF OF IT!! HURRY!! RUN!!”

Good idea!! I gently take a step and then start in a full sprint, as fast as my aching legs could take me. I can hear the frozen lake continue to crack under my feet. I get only a foot away from Duo when it finally cracks under my weight and I fall threw the ice. The water numbs me instantly and I can’t hear Duo screaming anymore. It’s over. It’s all over. I can’t feel anything and I can’t find the hole. The broken ice covered it over. I’ll drowned if I don’t find it. But I’m so cold and hurt so much.

But I can’t die! I thrash around under the water trying to find that fucking opening. God damnit! I can’t find it. I’m cold. My hands hang at my sides and I fall deeper and deeper. I can no longer breath. I’m going to die. All I see is black, the darkness of death.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

The cool morning sun seeped in through the dark curtains and onto the sleeping figure. The room was completely dark except for that small stream of light. It illuminated the room and gave it an eerie glow. The sleeping figure stirred slightly under the heavy black blankets, mumbling out words in his dreams…

Heero shot straight up in bed, breathing hard as a cold sweat ran down his face. He rubbed his forehead, brushing his bangs out of his eyes and staring into a pair of concerned teal ones. He blinked rapidly and backed up quickly, smacking his skull against the headboard and cursing.

"Whoa, ha-ha-ha, calm down there, Heero. Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Are you alright?"

"H-Hildie?"

"Yep. Ya alright?"

Heero slowly slinked back down into the warm, black, silk sheets and pulling the blanket up to his chest, he nodded. "Good," she beamed, bounding over to the door "I’ll go get Duo."

"Duo?"

She only nodded and disappeared into the hall. I’m alive. How can that be? I’m in Duo’s room, I can tell. I swear the guys gotta be a Goth. Not that I mind or anything. He smirked to himself and wadded the sheets up in his fist, bring them to his nose and inhaled Duo’s sent. That spicy sweet flavor like candied apples. He smiled again, resting his hands in his lap and taking in his surroundings.

He was lying in a massive wooden canopy bed decorated all in black. Black silk sheets, black blanket, sheer black drapery hanging from the pilasters, black, black, black, black, black! Bleck! Heero mentally gagged. It was kind of dreary, but it suited Duo who, on many occasions, could be known to call himself Shinigami. People always thought that was such a cool name. Little did they know it meant "The God of Death" in Japanese.

The rest of the room was massive as well. Duo was known for his rich father. The walls were wooden and so where the floors, which had black area rugs on them. There was a fireplace that was not lit but oh could Heero imagine some rather interesting things that he and Duo could do in front of that fireplace.

He smiled then smacked his forehead, which he found was not a good idea ‘cause it hurt like hell! He cringed and noticed a black and white upholstered chair over in the corner, which held his clothes. Heero raised a delicate brown eyebrow and quickly looked under his mound of covers at his um… legs. Whew, he was still in his boxers. His face then burned a bright red as he once again smacked himself upside the head. Never again would he wear his Scooby Doo boxers, E-V-ER!

He sighed and brushed his bangs out of his eyes again and a poster caught his attention. It was on the wall right next to the fireplace and was a picture of a train that had crashed into a building and all it said was "Shit!" Heero chuckled. That was Duo for you, a dry sense of humor… but God did he love it. Heero blushed and kicked his feet together under the covers, enjoying his little thought of Duo. He cuddled the covers and was grinning like and idiot. Little did he know someone was watching him.

"Oi man," Duo waved a hand in front of Heero’s face "Whatcha thinking about?"

Heero instantly paled and slowly drew his eyes to meet the dark violet ones staring down at him. His jaw dropped to the floor and he just wished that the Earth would swallow him up. He gulped down the lump in his throat and Duo simply smiled at him.

"Dude, ya ok?"

"Um… uh… ano… hai."

"That’s good. What were you thinking about?"

"*sweatdrop* Um… nothing. Where did Hildie go?"

"Hildie? She left. She really didn’t want to but I made her go." He nodded and smiled at the pale boy wrapped in the black covers. Duo grabbed a wooden chair from the corner and turned it around, sitting in it backwards, resting his arms on the back of the chair and staring intently at Heero. He gulped again and tried not to blush to hard under that intense violet gaze.

"W-what?"

Duo shook his braided, chestnut, head and simply continued to stare. Well, of course that made Heero uncomfortable. Here he was lying in his crush's bed, in only his boxers, and his crush was staring intensely at him for no apparent reason. "What?!"

"Nothing."

"Then stop staring at me!!"

Duo sat back and laughed at Heero, shaking his head. "Dude man, you were worrying me there for a moment. I thought you’d never yell back at me. You rarely ever speak. Just wanted to see if you would."

Heero blinked at the chuckling idiot and huffed, turning his head away to stare at the wall and it’s interesting wood work.

Duo shook his head and sighed, getting up from his seat. "You are a weird one, Heero Yuy." He gently reached over and placed his warm hand on Heero’s forehead. Cold cobalt eyes turned from the wall and stared up into a pair of soft violet ones. Duo smiled at him and took away his hand. "Ah, ya seem good enough to me. No more fever… but, I guess a fever would have been better compared to what you did have," he smiled lightly, lying on his back at the bottom the bed.

Heero blinked, drawing his knees up to his chest and staring down at the boy of his dreams. "What do you mean?"

"Dude, you almost died."

"I thought I did."

"*chuckle* Do you look dead?"

"Well, I don’t know."

"Man, for someone so smart you really are kinda dense."

"Gomen."

"Don’t worry about it," he propped his head up on his elbow and stared directly into to Heero’s eyes, "You did scare me though. I was afraid you weren’t going to make it."

"Who got me out… I don’t remember that."

"Well, of course not. You were out of it for almost two days. It’s Christmas Eve, man."

Oh. But who pulled me out?"

"I did."

"You did?" Heero blinked rapidly. Why would Duo want to save him anyway? They hardly knew each other. It didn’t make sense. "Why?"

"Because you would have died. Jeeze, what are you?"

"Um… I don’t know anymore."

Duo stared at him a moment and pulled himself into a sitting position so he was equal with Heero’s gaze. He raised an eyebrow at him and nodded. "I saved you because you would have died. Believe me, I’ve done that before. Mostly when I was little. My dad pulled me out a few times. It’s fucking deadly I tell you. I pulled you out and man… ya scared the shit out of me!"

"I did?"

"Yeah! You weren’t breathing and your lips were blue. You felt like a giant ice cube. You must have a low body temp or something… but then again, that water is fucking freezing!" he smirked up at his guest and Heero tried not to blush, he simply turned and looked at the wall. "Yeah well, I was afraid you wouldn’t make it. But you did… I’m glad."

"Yeah well, it’s not that it would make a difference. No one would care if I died or not."

Duo tipped his head, letting his braid fall over his shoulder. He stared at the young boy sitting in front of him and smiled warmly. "So, who was it?"

"Huh? Who was what?"

"Who hit you? You were not only freezing but had some nice marks on ya. I was kinda curious."

Heero wrapped his arms around himself; he was trembling. Why, he wasn’t sure. He was kind of cold. He shook his head and stared at the blankets, "It doesn’t matter."

Duo stared at him a moment. He could tell he was trembling. It was rather obvious. "Heero?"

"Nani?" he snapped.

"Are you cold?"

"Iie."

"You’re shaking."

"So?"

Duo shook his head and slid off the bed. "Nothing." He walked over to the chilled and scared Heero and pulled the covers off of him. "C’mon, you’re my guest. I have to take care of you." He slipped one arm over his shoulder and pulled Heero to his feet, wrapping the other arm around his waist. Heero instantly felt warmer.

They slowly walked into the hall and then into the bathroom. The huge room was decorated with black and white marble floors and wooden walls.

Heero blinked as Duo set him down on the fuzzy black toilet lid. He walked over to the white, claw foot, bathtub and started to run the water. The steam soon started to raise and fill the room.Duo walked back over to him, pulling off his black over coat so that he was only in his white shirt and black pants. He grabbed Heero’s trembling hand--- for one reason or another it was trembling--- and slipped off his boxers then pulled him over to the bathtub and gently set him in the hot water, letting it tingle and prickle his skin. Heero winced in pain; it was so incredibly hot, he had to get out or he would boil.

"No, no," Duo pushed him back down into the tub "It has to be hot. Believe me, I know."

"Demo… it’s boiling."

Duo shook his head and push Heero forward near the faucet. He then gently lowered himself into the bath, clothes and all, and then pulled Heero back towards him, wrapping his arms around the Japanese boy’s firm chest. "It’s not boiling… yet," he whispered in his ear. Heero’s whole body blushed and his heart started to pound so hard in his chest he feared it would explode. He became rather fidgety in Duo’s arms, but he still held him strong. "Don’t worry, Heero, you have to warm up… or you’ll catch something. Like hypothermia or something… I don’t know exactly but if you don’t warm up, you’ll die."

"Gomen."

"It’s ok. I can understand I guess."

"No really, you can’t."

"Oh?"

FUCK!! I’ve gotta stop that!! "Um… well… uh…"

Duo chuckled softly at him; Heero blushed. Duo took the black washcloth from the side of the tub and dipped it into the water, running it across the side of Heero’s leg, which made him shiver. He gently brought it up to his back, letting the water sooth his skin. He massaged his neck and shoulder then traced his spin down to the small of his back then back up again. He washed his chest, swirling the washcloth around in slow soothing circles.

Heero’s mind went into fog mood at the warm sensations tingling through his body. Out of response he leaned back into Duo, resting his head on his shoulder and moaning softly. Duo had to try extremely hard not to laugh. He dropped the washcloth and ran his hand up Heero’s chest and gently fanned his fingers out on his neck. "Ya know, we took a bath together before."

"Hmm?"

"Yeah, but this time your conscious… well, sorta."

"Mmm…"

Duo stared down at him and smiled. He gently tipped his head to the side and whispered in his ear, "Heero…"

"Hmmm?"

Duo pushed him forwards, hard and fast, almost making the poor boy sputter for air. "Gotta get up, the water’s getting cold." Duo quickly jumped out of the bath and pulled the plug. Heero blinked rapidly, worry and uncertainty painted on his face. Duo turned around to him but did not meet his gaze. He slowly walked over to the closet, pulling off his shirt as he went. He grabbed a fuzzy black towel and laid it on the sink. He quickly stripped out of his pants and boxers then wrapped the towel around his waist. He tossed Heero another towel and sighed.

"Here. I’ll meet you in the room," he ran his fingers through his bangs and quickly walked out of the bathroom, leaving Heero sitting in an empty tub.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

Heero brushed his damp bangs out of his eyes as he slowly walked back to the room. The towel was a little too big for him and he had to keep pulling it back up. He was very confused, so very, very confused. Dreaded thoughts began to whirl through his mind as he entered the room.Duo stood in the center; Heero’s balled up clothes in his fists. Duo stared down at the clothes in his hands and sighed, tossing them at Heero, who did catch them, but had to quickly make sure his towel didn’t fall down.

"I’m sorry, Heero," Duo spun on his heel, his own towel fluttering around his feet, "You have to go."

"W-what?!?"

"I said you have to go."

"But I have no where to go."

"That’s not my fault! You’re the one that left the colony to come here!"

"I had to leave!"

"Oh really, why?"

Heero used to full power of his "death glare" on Duo, but of course it didn’t work. He cursed under his breath as he tried to un-crumple his clothes and put them on. His towel fell down. Duo raised his violet gaze to the boy and in three swift steps he was there. He grabbed Heero’s chin, tilted it up, and captured his lips.

Heero’s eyes went super wide as he clawed at the wall. What the hell was happening… or actually, how did it happen?! Duo quickly pulled away from him, his fingers the last to leave and stared at him. Both were winded and both blushed a bright crimson.

"I’m so very sorry, Heero. I just couldn’t take it anymore."

Heero let his eyes go back to their normal size and tried to get his mind to refocus on this newest event. And well, that didn’t work. He just couldn’t believe it! Duo Maxwell, the man he had loved for so long, had finally kissed him! Oh god and did it feel good! Heero mentally smacked himself around a bit then came back to reality.

He gently reached up and delicately traced his lips with his index finger.

He blinked at Duo who was both embarrassed and well, on a rush one could say. "Why?" Duo shook his head rapidly, wadded up Heero’s clothes and pushed them into his chest.

"You have to go! You have to go now!"

"But why?!"

"I don’t want you here!"

"Why?!"

"I’m afraid of the stuff I might do if you stay!"

"What if I want you to do it?!"

Duo blinked and backed up rapidly, almost as if the wind had been knocked out of him. Heero cast his eyes down to the floor and said nothing. His cheeks were red and his body hot. Duo stared at him and took a deep breath.

"W-what do you mean?" Heero raised his eyes and stared directly at him,

"Well, what do you mean?"

"You know it’s all fake, don’t you?"

"Nani?"

"Everything. It’s all fake."

"I’m afraid I don’t understand."

"My life… it’s fake."

"I-I don’t understand."

Duo shook his head and headed over for the bed. He sat on the edge and rested his elbows on his knees, staring down at the carpet. "You wonder why I let you stay, don’t you?"

"Aa… hai."

Duo nodded. "I was quite shocked when you called me. Then you said so little… but then again, you always say so little. Just the tone in your voice made me remember."

"Remember what?"

"What happened to me. My father is not so strict but he needs me to provide the family with an heir. The money’s gotta go somewhere, right?"

"Right."

"Well, my father found out that he would never get an heir. I really didn’t like that um… whole opposite sex thing and well... he was pretty pissed. I vaguely remember him coming into my room and beating the living fuck out of me. Then he sent me to some clinic or something to "get better" and of course you know that this is not a disease and you can never get over it. It’s you… and nothing your parents did, genes, illnesses, made you think that. But… anyway, when I got back I claimed to be cured. Yeah right. That’s why I choose Hildie. She was sweet enough to please my father but annoying enough for me to hate her. I guess you could say I use her."

He sighed and shook his head. Small drops of water and tears falling on the carpet. "And then you showed up. And God I wanted you. I wanted you so badly. There was never anyone else whom I wanted. I watched you. Made sure you were safe at school. I learned just about everything I could about you… but I had to stay away at the same time. I couldn’t get to close or… or… I don’t know. Ha, this would happen. And then you called. Oh god you called! And I knew, from the sound in your voice, what had happened to you. And I invited you here because I thought… because I thought that maybe, just maybe you would, do, feel the same. But… whatever… I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about."

He swiftly rose to his feet and rubbed his eyes, pretending like there was something stuck in them. He walked over to the fireplace and leaned on the mantle. Heero blinked at him. He… he… likes… loves… me too? Duo reached down and clicked a button and the fireplace roared to life. Delicate golds, amber’s, and yellows danced to life on the ceiling. Duo turned to him and stared into those dark cobalt eyes.

"Jesus man, put some clothes on, you’re making me horny."

Heero stared down at the clothes he held loosely in his fists. He drew his eyes up to Duo, which hadn’t left him. He dropped his clothes on the floor, pushed himself away from the wall and walked seductively over to the braided American. Duo bit his lip as Heero came over. They stared at each other for a while. Just searching through each other’s souls. Duo swiftly grabbed Heero’s face and kissed him and this time Heero kissed back. He kissed back furiously and passionately and he was never letting go.

Duo broke for air and stared down at the boy in his arms. "Heero," he whispered, nuzzling at his neck and placing feather light kisses on his collarbone, "I want you."

Heero said nothing only let his body say it for him. He leaned in and undid Duo’s towel, letting it fall to the ground in a pool of black. Duo smirked and spun Heero around, pushing him towards the bed. Duo laid him on the pillows then began to attack his body with kisses. He delicately kissed his way down his neck and to his chest; taking a nipple in his mouth and swirling his tongue around the pink nub until it became almost painfully hard, then he did attacked the other one so it wouldn’t feel so neglected.

Heero arched his back at the attack on his body. Duo was so gentle yet then again he wasn’t. Oh god and how could this be happening? Well, Heero really didn’t care, just as long as it was. He ran his hands up and down Duo’s spin, tangling them in his now unbound hair. "Duo… please…"

Duo stopped his assault right before the tremendous ache in-between his lover’s legs. He stared up into those deep cobalt eyes and smiled. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Then you’ve gotta let go of my hair. I can’t go anywhere with your fingers all knotted in it," he chuckled.

Heero blushed rapidly and pulled his fingers from the mass of chestnut silk. Duo laughed and kissed his lips, gently sucking, asking for entrance. Heero opened his mouth, just a little bit, and Duo’s tongue attacked the sweet depths of his mouth. Two tongues spared with each other, neither one asking for dominance, just really enjoying the other. Duo soon broke away for air and stared down at his lover."Ai shiteiru zutto, Heero Yuy."

Heero smiled and wrapped his arms tightly around Duo’s neck, leaning forwards and kissing his cheek then hiding his face in that sweet smelling chestnut hair and whispering, "Suki da," repeatedly.

Duo smiled warmly into the boy’s shoulder and hoisted him into his lap, lavishing his shoulders with tender kisses. "I don’t have anything," he whispered.Glazed cobalt eyes opened and stared at the burning fire of the fireplace.

"You don’t?" he quarried, rocking his hips against his lovers.

"Iie… I don’t. It’ll hurt you, Heero. I don’t want to hurt you."

"Do it anyway."

Duo blinked rapidly and pulled the cobalt eyed boy’s face to his own. Violet eyes searched through cobalt blue ones looking for any sense of unease. There was none. "Please? I’ve wanted this for so long."The braided beauty pulled his eyes away from his lovers. He wasn’t sure he could do this. Sure, he wanted to. Oh god did he want to! But he didn’t want to hurt Heero in the process. Why couldn’t my family just be a normal family and have some sort of lube around the house?! Jesus! Heero gently took his face in his hands and kissed his lips. "You can’t hurt me. Do it. I’m begging you, please."

Duo searched his lover eyes once again but still saw no unease. He took a deep breath and nodded, laying Heero back on the covers, and laid beside him. He sighed heavily, staring into those cobalt eyes. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Positive?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"Yes!" he chuckled, rolling over and straddling his lover and kissing him.

"If you don’t do it, I will."

"Ok, ok, ok," he laughed brushing the boy’s bangs out of his face, "I’ll do it." He kissed him and rolled him back over onto his back, sitting in between his legs, "But I’m warning you, Hee-chan, it’s gonna hurt."

"You’re not supposed to use chan for a guy."

Duo smirked and leaned forward, resting his forehead against his lovers. "I know. But it’s so cute for you," he smiled again at Heero’s slightly red face.

"I don’t like it."

"But… you will," he smirked again and started to suck on the pale column of Heero’s neck. Heero wrapped his arms around Duo’s neck and moaned, arching his back. Duo smiled and kissed his way down his firm chest and torso until he reached Heero’s trembling sex. He smiled again and stared up into those dark cobalt eyes. His smile widened as he gently kissed the tip. Heero moaned and tossed his head. Again Shinigami’s smile widened. He did like playing with his prey. "You have to promise me something, Heero."

"Nani?" he breathed.

"That I’ll be the only one."

Heero nodded rapidly and closed his eyes, fisting up his hands at his sides as Duo gently toyed with his aching member. "Hai… first and only."

"Good," he whispered, cupping his chin in his hand and kissing him quickly then returning to his work. Duo took a deep breath and smiled once again then engulfed his trembling lover’s hard sex. Heero almost screamed and arched off the bed, finally settling with his fists once again entwined in Duo’s soft chestnut hair.

Duo made quick work of his "victim" … but not quick enough that he wouldn’t enjoy it. He bobbed his head up and down, taking in the hard length in large amounts. He swirled his tongue around it, nibbling lightly and sucking at the forming stickiness at the tip; Heero was just withering beneath him enjoying the pleasure of Duo’s hot mouth and talented tongue.

What Heero was not aware of was Duo slowly working his fingers into him. First one and then another, gently stroking, searching for that spot deep inside of him. At that moment his fingers brushed against that spot and all Heero saw was white as he came, spilling into the braided boy’s mouth.

Duo smirked and swallowed it all, never missing a drop.Heero fell back on the pillows completely sated. Duo leaned over him, kissing his cheek and whispering softly in his ear, "Are you ready for me?" Cobalt eyes widened slightly but not much.

He turned and stared at him, kissing his lips passionately. "Yes."

Duo said nothing only nodded. In one swift motion he trust into the prone body beneath him. Heero pulled back, eyes squeezed shut in pain. Duo stared down at him, kissing the tears that leaked from his eyes. "I love you," he whispered.

"I know. Move…" Duo nodded and stared out slowly, still uneasy about hurting him. But as Heero got used to the feeling, he met Duo’s rapid thrusts. His were just a bit faster and begged for Duo to speed up, which, of course, he did.

They both were breathing hard and sweat shined on their bodies like a gentle spring rain. Duo had both hands planted firmly on Heero’s hips, digging his fingers into the soft skin and Heero had his arms wrapped tightly around Duo’s neck. He grit his teeth as Duo hit that spot deep inside of him and all he saw was white. He moaned and tossed his head from side to side, letting the pleasure take over his mind.

"Duooooo… uhhh…" he growled, biting into his bottom lip as Duo sped up even more. Duo could feel Heero teetering on the edge, just a little bit more. He thrust once more and Heero’s world shattered. He cried out Duo’s name as he came. Duo followed shortly after, spilling deep within his lover. He collapsed on Heero’s chest and tried to calm his breathing, well, they both did.

Duo was the first to settle and moved off and away from Heero, stepping off the bed. Heero shot up and stared at his love. Where was he going, why was he going and further more… what the hell? "Duo?"

"Yes?"

"Where are you going?"

"Over here."

"Demo… why?"

"You’ll see," he smiled and disappeared out into the hall.

Heero blinked rapidly and wanted to cry. What was he doing? God, now he felt rejected. Like some whore or something. Duo got what he wanted now he was leaving. Heero sighed and sniffled, trying not to think of the bad thoughts that plagued his mind. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hid his face in them. Once again, he wasn’t paying attention.

Duo waved his hand in front of his loves face and blinked. "You who, Earth to Heero Yuy… come in Heero!"

Heero’s head shot up and he blinked, staring into the beautiful face of Duo Maxwell. "Duo?"

"Ye~ah?"

"Where did you go?"

"Over there," he smirked, sitting on the bed next to Heero, "I told you."

"But why?"

"I had to get your present."

"Oh. My PRESENT?!"

"Yep." Duo smiled and placed a small box wrapped in green and red paper in Heero’s trembling hands. Heero blinked rapidly, staring at the tiny box. "I was going to stuff it in your locker and hope that you thought it was from some girl… but… well, now… I don’t have too." Heero nodded and clutched the package tightly in his hands, just staring off in space. "C’mon, hurry up, Hee-chan, I’m tired. Hurry up and open it already."

"Oh, um… ok."

Heero tore the paper off the box and lifted the white cardboard lid. He pushed back the tissue paper and gasped. There, nestled in the green tissue paper was a Christmas tree ornament. It was a beautiful gold star that seemed to shine with the radiance of a real star. He pulled it from it’s box and just watched it spin in the dim light of the fireplace.

"Do you… like it?"

The Japanese boy turned to his braided lover and smiled, kissing his lips deeply. They broke apart and Duo simply smirked. "I guess that’s a yes."

Heero blushed and nodded, "Hai."

Duo too nodded and pushed his love back on the bed. He gathered Heero in his arms and held him tight, kissing his forehead and inhaling his sweet sent. "I love you, Heero."

"I love you too, Duo." And with one more gentle kiss the new couple fell deep asleep--- until morning…

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

I sit here now thinking about nothing. I hate flying. I’ve got soooooo long left to sit on this fucking plane! I can still feel my mother’s eyes on me every now and again. I just wish things were different. I feel bad for them sometimes. Perhaps I should spend more time with them… but what would we do? Nothing I suppose, as we are doing nothing now. My grandfather is nothing to me. I do hate that old bastered. He’s such a… a… I don’t know. He’s somethin’ bad alright. I’ll think of it later.

I brush my hair out of my eyes and sigh. So boring, boring, boring, boring! Where’s Duo when I need him to provide some sort of antic to interrupt class so we don’t have to do any work or lighten the mood in an intense situation. Where is he? Why can’t he be here with me? All these fantasies that I have of him are nothing as well. I’m basically nothing. No one cares for me. Not even Duo. I must face this harsh reality. But--- I shiver--- it’s too harsh. Too harsh for me to face on my own. I just want him here, with me… to just sit and talk with me. Hold my hand, kiss my face, and love me. Is that too much to ask?

“I guess so,” I mumble so silently, as if the wind. My mother turns to look at me but I refuse to meet her gaze. I really don’t want her to see this pain in my heart. I think I pain her enough. I pain myself enough too. I’m different from everybody else and I really don’t want to be! I just want… I just want… I want Duo. I want Duo to like me… I want Duo to like me… I want Duo to love me. Can’t he do that?! Can’t he do that in real life instead of my dreams and fantasies?! God, I wish he could. I wish he felt the same. Why does he not feel the same? Fuck, that’s right, 1 in 10--- 1 in 10. He’s obviously 9.

I clench my fish on my tray table, squeezing my eyes shut to the truth of this vast blackness I see. Sure, the stars provide some light but not like a radiating light. Not like a bright blinding light… one of love. I shake my head and lean back in my seat, resting my head once again on my hand. Yeah… no light.

Something whizzes by and I see it in the corner of my eye. Something bright and fiery, is it love? I’m telling you… wahoo, I’m full of fucking shit! I turn, ever so slightly; there it is again! What is that light? That… that… meteor? A meteor shower? A METEOR SHOWER!?!? Bright beautiful light… but deadly. I lurch forward in my seat as one hits the back of the shuttle. Those little mask things fall down and I can hear people screaming. But it matters not to me. I just wanted to see Duo one last time. To tell him I loved him. To tell him I’ll always love him… to just… touch him.

“I love you, Duo… remember me…”

I saw it, I saw it so clearly, the bright light of the meteor, heading straight for me…

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

“AHCOOOO!!” I rub my nose and sniffle. She looks at me with those eyes. Those big teal eyes of a girl that is infatuated with me; I don’t get it.

“Duo baby, are you alright?”

“Um… yeah! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you sneezed. Are you coming down with something?”

“Nope, I’m fine, doll.” Yeah, I was probably sneezing ‘cause of the gallons of cheap perfume you wear. Whew, I love ya and all but sometimes… sheeze!

I shake my head and she still stares at me with those eyes. Those perky bright eyes that just make me want to gouge my own out. She’s so happy all of the time. I just don’t get it. How can someone be that fucking happy 24hrs a day?!? It just doesn’t make any sense! Sure, I’m happy… but it’s all fake. My life’s a fucking fairy tale that I don’t even get to live… not the real me. I turn back to her… still so fucking perky! Sometimes I’m really tempted to trade her in for something… one else.

"Yo babe, sorry, but it’s five. Ya gotta go before my dad gets home.”

“Oh, honeyde~ew, I know.” I hate that name! I am not a fucking melon! You probably have them for a brain but I don’t! Am I ripe and green and juicy? *snicker* That’s pretty funny. But… she’s not! “Well, you be going. I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”

“Alright.” She dashes out the door after a quick kiss and wave.

FINALLY I’m FREE!! I just want to dance around the house in my boxers, dress shirt and sunglasses and start singing Risky Business! But, I don’t. I’m not that happy. Or, perhaps maybe I am. Hee hee, who knows! I’m insane… that’s for fucking sure. Or, so that’s what my dad says.

I sigh, flopping down on the couch and staring at the ceiling. I just don’t believe it’s the 23rd already! Jesus, Christmas came so quickly. I move my gaze to the brightly-lit tree over by the fireplace. My eyes immediately focus on that ornament. I bought it over the summer. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen; it reminded me of him. A star, so simple yet so elegant… it glows so brightly. I love it.

With a heavy sigh I jump off the couch and slid into the kitchen. I love my socks, nice and slippery on our floor. Man, I’m starvin’! The bitch was here. *shudder* I almost forgot. “No, honeydew, I can’t eat that. I’m on a diet.” Yeah right! Whatcha gotta go on a diet for? You’re skinny as a rail anyway. Ew, at least she’s not as annoying as that Relena bitch that stalks…

I can feel my face blush. Jesus, must I be tortured so? I lean against the counter with a heavy sigh. I wonder what he’s doing right now? Probably off in the colonies somewhere, having fun, doing whatever it is that he does. I don’t know why I have this twisted fascination for him. Well, it’s not twisted its very genuine. Ha-ha, I love him. No ifs ands or buts about it. Took me long enough to realize it though. I should do something about it, shouldn’t I? Yeah, I probably should. I smack myself hard upside the head.

“YEAH RIGHT!” Like he would even CARE! I’d probably scare the crap out of him. Oh yes, hi, Heero. Guess what? I’m in love with you! Fuck me! I’m such a fucking dumbass! Ya know we probably wouldn’t even get along. He’s so quiet and perfect. I’m loud and not so perfect. But… on the inside… we’re the same. Exactly the same. Our lives our shit and neither of us feel like living them. I can see it in his beautiful cobalt eyes; he wants to die.

But he won’t die with out me. I won’t let him. He’s not allowed to. I don’t know how I would live without him. Just to see him makes me happy. Makes me want to… cry? Yeah right, boys don’t cry. He’s just so… so… I don’t even know. I love him though, that’s for sure. I don’t even think anyone would understand. “How can you be in love with another man!?!?” “Faggot! Queer! Get out of my house! I never want to see you around here again!” Yep, then what would I do? Go to him? “Hi Heero, you hardly know me but I love you; can I live with you?” Ri~ight. Whatever!

The buzzer on the microwave goes off and I jump. Jeeze, sometimes I get so involved in what I’m thinking the rest of the world scares me. Well, it scares me anyway. People are animals and fear what they do not understand. That’s what pisses me off most. I don’t hurt anyone by loving him… perhaps only myself. I grab my bowl of Macaroni and Cheese out of the microwave.

Yummmmmmmmmmmmy! I do so love this stuff! I bound out of the kitchen. Food is a good thing. It makes me happy. He makes me happier but food will work for the time being. I flop down on the couch and click on the TV. Rosie’s on!! I never miss it! Fuck, I forgot a drink. I race into the kitchen and grab a glass of water. I can’t miss my show! She’s got Brad Pitt on and he’s kinda cute, not as cute as Heero is… but ok. No one could ever top Heero in beauty, in my mind. He’s just too beautiful; and I love him so much. Perhaps that’s what makes me partial to think that he is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. Heh, ri~ight.

I flop back down on the couch--- me, my water and Macaroni and Cheese--- and wait for the show to start. I still wonder what he’s doing. I doubt he even thinks of me like this. Yeah, probably doesn’t. I shake my head and the news theme song comes on. What the fuck? I wanna watch Rosie! Not some late breaking story! Crap! I glare at the TV. How dare they interrupt my show? One of the few things that make me happy!

“We interrupt this show to bring you a late breaking story…” Alright, alright, get to the point. Quit taking up my show! “Shuttle carrier 195, on its way to colony L1, exploded!” My water slips from my hand and crashes on the floor as I stare blankly at the TV. “Heero…” “It got caught in a meteor shower. All 100 passengers were killed. Including Ambassador Owden Yuy and his family.”

I jerk to my feet. “HEERO!” I scream racing over to the TV and shake it like it would help me to grip this reality. This can’t be! It just can’t be!! He can’t be dead! That’s impossible! IMPOSSIBLE! I can feel my eyes start to burn and the hot tears fall from them. It just can’t be. My Heero… he’s not dead. He’s too strong. He’s mine! He can’t die without me telling him I loved him! It’s not true!! It’s not fucking TRUE!!

RING! RING! RING! I turn and glare at the phone. I can barely see. My eyes are so blurred with the tears. He just can’t be dead. Maybe that’s him calling. Calling to tell me he’s ok. I bet it is.

“Honeydew! Did you hear? Did you hear about the shuttle crash? That weird guy, Heero Yuy, died in it.” I glare at the phone in my hand. My blood feels like it’s boiling. That bitch had the nerve to call me and tell me this! Does she not know?! Does she not know?!

“Fuck you,” I growl and throw the phone across the room. I turn my eyes back to the TV. They keep flashing pictures of the crash over the TV. Heero… Heero… Heero, I never got to tell you. I never got to tell you I loved you.

`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`

The snow falls softly in my hair; I brush it off. My eyes burn from the tears; I haven’t stopped crying since that day. I try to be strong… not let it bother me. But it does. It really does. I mean, how the fuck would you feel if the one you secretly loved died before you got to tell them so. Would you regret it? I do. I wish I could have told him. I should have told him. I should have just told him right out of the blue. Who cares of rejection? I could have lived with that… but never knowing what he would have said. That’s the awful thing.

He could have told me he loved me too. Said he’s always felt that way. He could have. He could have. But he wouldn’t have. No way! My mind is like a fog cloud. I don’t understand any of this. God's punishing me. Just like everyone always said he would. “Liking boys in unnatural. You’ll burn in HELL for this! God will shun you!” Yep, guess that’s what he’s doing. But if God created us all in his image and he loves us all… then why do they say that? How can anyone condemn someone else for God? That’s like me condemning Casper the ghost ‘cause he can see through walls. Wait, bad analogy. But it just doesn’t make sense! I hate my fucking life. I wish it would end, to stop the lies of myself. That is what I want. But it shall never end, shall it? Not unless I’m gunned down in the middle of a parking lot. The God of Death can’t die… can he? Ha, he can die loveless though. Well, live life loveless because God had to take his only love away just for the sheer fun of watching me suffer. Gr~eat.

The sad song of the funeral bell toll alerts me to where I am, St. Christopher’s Church down on 4th street. I slowly cross the snowy street, watching--- sorta--- where I am going. I stare at the message board posted in front of the ancient cathedral. “Yuy family funeral.” I blinked, feeling the soft, velvety, red petal in my pocket. I stare up at the massive church, watching the bell sway in the wind. “Heero…”

The old wooden doors creak open and a few sobbing people file out. I watch them leave. Get into their little cars and drive away. Morons! I swiftly turn and stare inside the doors--- I make my way up the stone steps.

The huge cathedral is lit gently with candlelight, the fall of dusk approaches. The dying light hits the stain glass window pains just right that it splashes the beautiful colors all over the wooden church. And there, sitting in the middle of the aisle way, are three coffins. I stare at them, the wood shinning brightly in the dim light, each adorn with beautiful flowers. But not like the flower I hold.

I walk up to the smallest coffin, staring down at the lifeless wood. It makes me sick. I can feel the tears roll down my eyes again; I brush them away. I pull a soft red rose from my coat pocket and gently lay it on the top of the coffin. It sticks out among the white lilies and yellow daisies. I didn’t even think you could find those flowers this time of year… but nothing is as good as my rose. A single red rose, the symbol of love and romance. I never got to say it to his face. I never got to tell him. I will now.

I gulp back my fear and tears and speak. “Heero…” I whisper, so softly one might think it was the wind. “Heero, it’s me, Duo.” I gently stroke the cold wood, wishing it were flesh. “Heero… I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Heero. I’m so sorry!” I bang my head on the coffin, tears gushing down my eyes as I sink to my knees. I can’t take it. I can’t fucking take it! I’m not to be alone! People are supposed to find the one they love, tell them, get married and live happily ever after until they die when their old and gray! They’re not supposed to have the one they love die before they get a chance to tell them! FUCK! DAMNIT!

“Heero! Why? Why did you leave me?! Don’t you know where’s supposed to be together? Don’t you know its destiny? Don’t you?! You aren’t supposed to leave the one you love! You’re supposed to stay with them… always.” I pull my knees up to my chest and cry into them. It wasn’t supposed to be. I was supposed to be with him… even if he didn’t want me. Even if he did and thought I was straight. It was meant to be. “I love you, Heero. I’ve always loved you. From the first day I laid eyes on you… I’ve loved you. Please forgive me for being such a coward. I should have told you. I should have. I love you, Heero.”

I pull myself to my feet and sigh, brushing the tears from my eyes; I leave the old chapel and my love. I slowly walk out, back to the bitter cold of a cruel reality with out the love of my life there to make me happy. I walk down the stone steps and started to cross the street again. The snow whirled around me and made me shiver. Life’s a bitch!

“Remember me…”

Those two words piece threw the howling wind in my ears. I turn on my heel and stare at the other side of the street, my eyes scanning every inch of it. “Heero…” I mumbled. Then I see it, an angel, a ghost… my Heero. He stands on the other side of the street just staring back at me. I blink in awe but my vision goes away. Alone again. I’m delusional. That’s what it is. I guess not eating for 2 days can do that to a person. Heh. I turn around again, stuffing my hands in my coat as the lights from the road blind me and the horn rings in my head. I just didn’t see it. I just didn’t see the car coming…

“There was an accident this Christmas Eve. A boy was struck, head on, by a car, in the middle of 4th street, and killed. Word on the events of this terrible accident are not yet known. Witnesses say that he was simply crossing the street and stopped moving almost as if he had seen a ghost. More on this at nine.”

The body of a boy, dressed in black, lay in the white snow. Trails of crimson staining the pure blanket of white underneath of him. A soft tear feel from his deep violet eyes and rolled down the small grin on his face.

`*`*` The End `*`*`

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