2-4-2002

Here we go. *crosses fingers* Feedback would be nice, but I'm not so insecure as to not be able to handle some constructive criticism ^_^

Time For Me To Fly
Warnings: slight angst
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4 (hinted)
***

I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief

I lay upon my bed. Muted morning light streams in through the closed blinds. Just minutes ago it was dark. I can't decide which I like better, the night or the day. Do I like the night because of the sweet dreams I have then and only then? But the night is also, as I've heard it described, long and cold and sharp, like a dagger. Then do I like day, because it's light chases away the demons from the dark? But day also illuminates all the problems in my life. Mainly the one right over there, tapping away on the laptop. It's the only sound that disturbs the songbird's harmonies.

I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief

I turn onto my side and gaze at this enigma I share my life with. My problems with him are like my problems with day and night. Do I love this man or do I hate him? I love him because only when I am with him do I feel safe and protected. Night is not as lonely. Yet I hate him because I still feel like the child I was, living on L2 beginning for love.

You got me stealin' your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it

I've walked up to him countless times, slung my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. I've turned his head my way and kissed his mouth, only for him to turn away and continue doing whatever he was doing previously, leaving me hanging there awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

Now, when I get out of bed, I bypass him and walk over to the desk. His shoulders tighten and his mouth thins. Great. I show him affection and he ignores it, but when I stop he suddenly wants it again? Too bad, so sad. He'll have to ask for it. I glance at the calendar with nonchalance. Yesterday was December 31st. I smile humorlessly as I replace the old calendar with a new one. There's so much tension surrounding us lately, I haven't even noticed the date. I toss the old calendar in the wastebasket. There are four others in there, the oldest worn and faded, the A.C. 198 not even visible anymore. I frown down at it, for this puzzles me so. This is the only wastebasket in the house that is not emptied. Then again, it doesn't really need to be. There's nothing else in it. Do Heero and I keep these calendars as a testament to how long we've been together? Is it some coincidental omen that they're in the wastebasket?

I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

Maybe it is. Maybe five years is too long. I stare into the wastebasket thoughtfully. For this long, Heero has grown, learned to live life to the fullest and laugh. But what have I learned?

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

Nothing. I realize I'm practically the same sixteen year old boy who fought two wars long before he should have to. Yes, there's been good times in this relationship, but a lot of memories are painful. Fighting. Breakups. Makeups. My lips curve at the thought. Yes, the makeups were nice. But ... we shouldn't need them ... maybe Heero and I just aren't compatible. I think about what Wufei said. What are you going to do about it? I remember my answer. I... I don't know... Do Heero and I still have the same feelings for each other that brought us together five years ago?

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration

We still care, I know that. Yet ... it's not a fair caring. Oh, that makes no sense. It's just ... unfair. There's really no word for it. How come, when a nice guy has his arm around me, harmlessly flirting, Heero can drag me away by my braid with no explanation, but I can't get jealous when I see Relena hanging all over him like moss on a rock? I can't intervene, I can't get jealous, I just get yelled at for "seeing things that aren't really there" when we get home. Yeah, well, same to you, buddy.

I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

My hands grip the desk when I realize what I've done. I've just subconsciously given myself a reason to leave. I lift a hand to my cheek. We were rough last night. First a fight, then makeup sex. Don't mistake it for making love, because that includes tenderness. Last night was all about release. I glance down at myself. There's a bruise on my hip where Heero gripped me too hard, and a mark on my face from the fight. I smile, though, 'cause I know Heero's got a broken nose and deep clawmarks down his back. I step back and think about this. What would a stranger see if they saw either one of us? Probably an abusive relationship. My heart sinks. Maybe Heero and I need some time apart...

{Refrain} Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it's time for me to fly

I sigh. Don't dally any longer Duo. You know what your decision is. I quickly pack my things, among them a framed photograph of Heero and I. I smile fondly at the picture, trace our happy smiling faces before putting it into my duffel. Heero left to go to take a shower long before I reached my decision. I head over to his desk and sit in down in the chair. Should I leave him a note? Yes, I answer myself, but not on the laptop. I take out a piece of paper, and carefully write my note there. I believe strongly in actual written words. Computer type is so informal and not from the heart. The words mean more when written in your own handwriting.

I call Quatre and Trowa and arrange for them to pick me up. Quatre's eyes are sad and knowing. I smile. The boy knew it all along, and I bet he didn't need a space heart to see it coming.

Oh, don't you know it's...
{Refrain}

Quatre and Trowa are outside, waiting patiently. I stand in the front doorway, duffel in hand, looking over my shoulder. Am I doing the right thing? I hope so. I suddenly give a vexing grin as I walk out to the car that will take me to the airport, where I'll board a plane for L2. I remember what I told Heero in the note:

Dear Hee-chan,
Don't think that this is the end.
I'm leaving, for a little while. I believe, and I think you'll agree with me, that things aren't working out for us. I think we need a little time apart. You'll know where to write me.

Still with love,
Duo

P.S.- Don't think that it's over, love. It's not, not by a long shot. You'll be seeing me soon. Don't run off and marry Relena whilst I'm gone! :)

I smile as I enter the car. Trowa signals for the driver to go while Quatre looks at me with open worry. He probably wonders if I'm in shock from my decision. After all, I'm grinning like a maniac when he expects me to be blubbering like a three year old.

"Duo ... are you ok?" he asks hesitantly. His hands worry a piece of paper he brought along with him.

I laugh and take the paper from him. "Don't mess up a business deal on account of me," I say lightly. I give him a genuine smile. "I'm fine Quatre. Truly."

"Truly." Quatre says skeptically.

I turn to look out the window, my smile softening to something barely discernible. "Yes..." Quatre looks at me.

"Because it's not over yet."

It's time for me to fly

 

~*~Aisuru~*~
Pagan Goddess of 1x2 (as far as I know.)