6-29-2001

Title: Pet Peeves
Author: A-chan (aishiteru_1x2@yahoo.com)
Pairing: 1+2, C1+C2 (C=Chibi -_-)
Warnings: Same as The Complete Guide of the Chibi Duo~Toothache warning! Plus lime
Categories: Drama, Humor, fluff, frustrated-Hee-chans, cutesy
Disclaimer: Not mine, and I don't think it's yours either.
Summery: It's Heero's birthday, and Duo looks for the Perfect Pet for his koishii. The answer lies in a young chibi duo. But when the big Duo is called away on a mission, Heero finds himself with a mini, bat-winged version of his beloved baka on his hands. A version that he most certainly does NOT like. Will they kill each other before Duo returns? Or will the love between a Perfect Soldier and a Perfect Pet prevail? The answer for that lies in this fic.
Note: Read The Complete Guide of the Chibi Duo first. Or there'll be several terms in here you won't know.

 

Pet Peeves~

 

From: Heero Yuy-Maxwell (Wing_Zero_1@Preventors.org.earth)
To: A-chan of Chibi Productions (aishiteru_1x2@yahoo.com)
Subject: Contest

Dear A-chan,

The ad on 'The Most Enthralling Chibi Experience' contest of yours has recently captured my attention, and attached is my story about my chibi and myself and the hardships we faced.

Due to some sexual content, the following letter is rated-R. However, since I know you used to work for Hentai Productions and got fired when caught reading lemons during working hours, it should be OK.

-----------------------

A chibi stole my boyfriend.

At a first glance, the above statement can easily be overlooked as being completely ludicrous and made by a madman. Hell, I'd thought it was impossible too until I opened the box that would haunt me in the form of a bat-winged, attention-hogging rodent for the next thirty years.

#~#~#~#~#

It all started about three weeks ago on the morning of my twenty-first birthday, when my Duo-koi brought home a box with several holes in the sides. An idiot would know at once that it was an animal, a house pet. I was fine with that. I like dogs, and cats aren't far behind, or even a hamster would be nice, as long as one (or all) of these kept my Duo happy.

When I asked him what it was, he gave me an overly sweet smile and said: "Oh nothing. Just your birthday present."

I should've known better than to let him go with that. But his beautiful face had drowned out all sensible cells from my brain in a way only he can, and I just stood there staring at his perfect ass as he turned and walked away.

I should've dragged him back to where he'd come from by his hair and demanded a refund on the little beast that would soon be freed from its cardboard enclosure.

We were having lunch when Duo suddenly presented a box--the same box I'd seen him bring home that morning.

"Happy birthday, love," he purred in my ear and climbed into my lap.

I shook the package a little, and something inside it shrieked "Shiiniiiii!!" back at me. I was puzzled, and my face must've reflected it because Duo laughed and urged me to open it.

So I did, and out flew a bat about the size of a...bat. Let me tell you, I've seen a whole lot of strange animals in my time (most of them birds that flew into the window of my mobile suit; really, you'd think they'd learn), but never one that looked so much like a mini version of my braided baka. It even had the long rope of hair that could be used for more purposes than just looking good and an effective gag tool.

I was suddenly aware that Duo was saying something.

"Kawaii, ne?" He reached for the unidentified thing and it made a beeline for him, snuggling in his lap.

I immediately did not like the newcomer.

Nevertheless, Duo seemed to like it, and that was all that mattered.

I nodded. "But...what is it?"

Violet eyes regarded me with surprise, and my koishii giggled. "It's a chibi, silly!" he said as if that explained everything.

"A runt?" It was all very confusing.

"No, Heero. It's a breed of mini human-animals that live in various places on Earth. I picked this particular breed because it looks like me. See?" He pointed to the big purple eyes in the chibi's head and tugged gently at the long string of hair trailing down its back.

I blinked, but understood.

*~*~*

Duo's moans were so sweet as I lathered his body with soap and washed his gorgeous fall of chestnut hair under the spray of the showerhead.

"Does that feel good?" My voice was raspy.

"You know it does!" was his sexy reply. I REALLY lucked out when I found him during the war.

"But is it all you want?" I murmured.

There had been seven Great Kisses in history, but the one Duo gave me put them all behind. "Hell no; I've got a whole list of things I want you to do to me--"

A call of "Shini!" broke the mood, and Duo suddenly snapped his fingers. "Guess Shini's hungry."

WHAT?!?!?!? At a time like this?! "Nani?"

"I wasn't sure how much to feed him, and I didn't want to stuff him, so I gave just a little bit, and it seems that's not enough. Oh yeah, I named him Shini. I'm Shinigami, get it? I think it's really cute."

"Cute, right," I grumbled.

So Duo, being a Responsible Pet Owner, was out of the shower, leaving me with the biggest, most painful hard-on in existence.

I think I hate this animal.

*~*~*

"I don't like it either, Heero, but a mission is a mission." Duo kissed me, dressed in his Preventers uniform and his tug-along suitcase beside him.

I pulled him close, unsure as to when I'll be able to do it again. He buried his angelic face in my neck and returned my embrace full force. I sighed into his fragrant locks. "Be careful, OK? It's not often you go by yourself, and I don't like not being able to keep an eye on you."

Duo pulled back and winked. "Whatsa matter Heero? Afraid I'll push you over to get another hunk?"

My lip twitched; we both knew that would never happen, but he still liked to tease me. There had been a time that I'd guarded him like a mother hawk over her chicks, but I've grown to know better. I pinned him to the wall to kiss him again.

What can I say? I'm not used to having my koi walk out of the door without returning for more than an hour.

Besides, it wasn't like he was kicking and screaming.

He threw his head back and tangled his fingers into my hair. "Gods, Heero...don't, or I'll miss the shuttle! Or is that what you want?"

Guilty... "That's obvious, isn't it?"

I finally released him and he giggled. I smacked his pert ass, expecting him to walk out the door right then, but...

"Come here, Shini," he called to The Beast.

Chibis, I noted, sounded like bumble bees when buzzing by your ear to get to their destination. The insect "shini"ed and crawled up Duo's arm to sniffle at him and embrace MY lover with its wings (its arms were, afterall, only twenty times too short--just a bit more to go). If I didn't know any better, I would've said that the critter knew everything that went on around it.

"I'll miss you too, little guy," Duo whispered.

"Shiiiiniiiii *sniffle* --iiiiiiiii..."

I was NOT jealous, I was not...

*~*~*

Two million...two million five hundred thousand...three million! Wait...six million?! Fine! Seven!

"Shiiiiini..."

I ignored it and continued placing numbers into the computer, trying to stay on top without spending unnecessary money. This was the hottest bid I remembered making for the Preventers. Relena Peacecraft had recently released the order forbidding the manufacture of weapons, and everyone wanted to buy the Tsetsu factory, the largest MS producer in both the world and the colonies. Since the condition it was currently in couldn't compare to what it used to be, the bid started low. But was quickly rising.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiii!" The Brat was getting impatient; it wanted something.

"Go away," I growled.

"Shini!" It was angry (really, it had such a short temper).

The computer screen went blank, and I sat staring at the monitor for a good fifteen seconds before the dying hum of machinery told me...

It flew up to perch at the top of the computer, giving me a triumphant/annoyed/pissed-off look.

...THE DAMN THING JUST UNPLUGGED MY COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in doing that, the system had automatically signed me off BidChamp, sending a message to the rest of the bidders that I'd given up.

I threw forward a string of curses that would've done Wufei proud--all directed at the 5.3 (it was almost an adult by now; probably a late teen) inch beast glaring at me over folded arms.

"Omae..." I was about to spout off a phrase that I hadn't used for years--the one that had sent thousands of OZ soldiers shaking and begging for mercy. "Omae o korosu!" It rolled off my tongue with comforting familiarity.

To my profound annoyance (OK, eruption), the chibi yawned theatrically and sent me a glance that very clearly said: "What would Duo think if you hurt me?"

Mustn't. Kill. Chibi.

*~*~*

It's been fifty hours since Duo walked out of the front door, and I was ready to flush the chibi down the toilet. It wasn't a pet, it was a pest! Eating almost a much as Duo (a feat unrivaled in difficulty by any other task), driving the neighbors' cats and dogs mad, and constantly bugging me. How dare it?! Unacceptable!

It was high time I, Heero Yuy a.k.a. Perfect Soldier, did something about this puny bug. How? That was the problem. No, killing it would be simple enough--a bullet in its clothes and tying it up next to the fireplace should be sufficient--but doing it without Duo knowing was another matter entirely. The baka had become so attached to the thing he actually called it 'Hee-chan' several times by mistake.

It was taking my place! Not that I was jealous or anything (really I wasn't...) but...this was so unfair. Yeah, that's it!

Then it occurred to me. I didn't have to kill it at all; just...divert its attention. I rushed to the pet store and purchased The Complete Guide of the Chibi Duo video. Maybe, just maybe, if I can get it another chibi to play with, it would become tolerable...

Certainly not another duo, that much was for sure. But which breed could divert the beast's attention without driving me nuts?

From watching the video, I was able to single out the heero breed. Apparently, for no reason other than the author likes it that way, duos tend to take heeros as mates. And this particular breed was quiet.

That was it! The bug was supposedly in its pubic stage of growing, right? And I knew from experience that that was the time where you are most amorous. Surely it would be the same for chibis as well.

It was settled then that I get a heero, and set out to do so. But when I got to the pet store, the lady there gave me a strange look and said: "You don't keep heeros as pets, sir. They're suicidal, unfriendly, and are always dangerously armed."

I was disappointed, and the girl must've noticed, because she then said: "Well, what about a wufei? They have somewhat similar traits to the heero but have a higher level of tolerance."

I shook my head and left.

*~*~*

Oh god, oh no. It was Staring at me, meaning it was up to something. Its eyes were the size of average headlights and were frighteningly similar to Duo's. So similar infact, that I felt like ripping it out of the little insect and returning them to the rightful owner.

That would not do, of course.

I turned away from the wash machine to glare at the Brat. "What do you want?"

It gave me a 'Who, me?' look.

I didn't buy it. "Yes, I'm talking to you."

It sighed and untied his hair, scrubbing it with tiny fingers.

I raised an eyebrow. "You want a bath?"

The chibi hopped up and grinned, nodding eagerly.

Of course, I had no way of knowing what an innocent-seeming bath could turn into. So I stepped over the chibi to the bathroom and it followed me, tripping over the long tresses a few times and nearly drawing a smile from me. Nearly.

Did you know duos are as picky as it gets with temperature of bath water? Well now you know. It sat on the edge of the sink with its little legs dangling over the side while I let the water run. Whenever it tested the temperature, though, it was never good. It was always too hot or too cold. Eventually, I got fed up and left, leaving the chibi to maneuver the controls. It pouted, but just as I knew, it was perfectly capable to do the small task. It was just lazy; Duo had spoiled it.

I went to the bedroom and read while the chibi washed itself. About ten minutes later, I heard something smack against the bathroom window, but brushed it off as a stupid bird trying to get at the berries I'd put out for Shini (Duo had given specific directions to treat him like a king).

It was quiet for the next half hour, but the blissful silence was broken, however, when a deep voice boomed out "Ninmu ryoukai!". That startled me out of my book world. What? Wishing I had my gun, I crept to the bathroom to see what it was all about.

When I first stepped through the door, I couldn't see anything suspicious. Well, until I realized something was being waved at me inches from my neck. Turning, I saw a heero chibi (I recognized it from the video) giving me a glare that could rival my own.

Who was this? It had white angel wings, a green tank top, and tight black shorts; and in its hand was a green beam saber. OK, first a chibi that looked like my Duo, now a chibi that was like me. Isn't it wonderful?

If this one was anything like what I used to be, then I sure as hell didn't want to get any closer. I cleared my throat at Shini, who was still in the sink.

"What is this all about?"

The heero grumbled something and flew over to the other chibi, where he grabbed Shini possessively.

I blinked. Oh god, oh goooooooooooood! This couldn't be happening. I told myself over and over again that it was IMPOSSIBLE. Utterly impossible! There was no way, NO way...

Shini was in heat?!

*~*~*

A trip of the vet not only confirmed my guess, but when I told her about the damn bath, Dr. Chibarian laughed and said: "You didn't know? Oh, when a chibi is in heat, they do anything they can to get a mate. Shini somehow must've known that the heero was in the area and saw him as a potential partner, so he seduced him!"

Someone REALLY should've told me sooner.

She continued: "My guess is that the heero had been living in your backyard for quite some time, so in a way, he's your other chibi!"

!!! "But after they mate, he WILL leave, won't he?" I asked uncertainly.

To my horror, the doctor shook her head, sending red curls flying every which way. "Nope. Chibis mate for life, and you take one from another, their hearts will be broken and you'll be reported to the SPCC--Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Chibis."

Damn, damn, damn! But I can always dream...

"Mr. Yuy!"

Oops, I didn't realize I'd said it out loud. "I mean, I can always dream that no one ever does such a thing."

Dr. Chibarian smiled and gave me a book on chibi pregnancy (?!) and little chibis. She then ushered me out to the waiting room, where a groggy Shini (they had to knock him out to perform the test) and his protective mate laid/stood waiting in the chibi crate. There was a mob of people surrounding the cage, cooing over the chibis. They were, afterall, very rarely seen. One kid nearly gave the heero a heart attack when he stuck his finger through the medal bars to try and poke Shini. Thankfully, his mother pulled his hand away before he could loose the finger.

Something about what that kid did angered me, and I held the crate tightly when I left the vet's place.

*~*~*

I pulled the receiver away from my ear so Duo's squawk wouldn't leave any permanent damage.

"But he can't be! He's a male!"

"They're all males, Duo."

I could very nearly hear him sweatdrop. "But--but...it still can't be true!"

I shrugged. "That was basically my reaction too. And the doctor said they lay the eggs only a couple of days after--er..."

His voice was weird. "Heero, let me talk to Shini."

Sighing, I called to the chibi. "Daddy wants to talk to you."

There was an excited "Shiiiini!!!" and the receiver was suddenly gone from my hand and lying on the dresser. Shini was alternatively "shiini"ing into the speaker and running back to the other end to hear whatever my lovely but slightly deranged koi had to say.

I was hoping that he was telling him to get rid of the heero; as a matter of fact, I really thought that was what he was saying. But when I actually heard the conversation on the kitchen extension, I was ready to either strangle Duo or shoot myself.

"Tell Heero to feed you more, be sure to keep yourself warm and wear your coat when you go outside. How is this new chibi anyhow. Is he nice? Is he cute?"

I could've sworn Shini swooned and began gushing. "Shini! Shinishiiiiiiiiiini!"

Duo laughed and said: "Oh, I see you're really far gone on him! I'll be home a couple of days after those little ones arrive, Sweetie, and you be a good Mama, er, Papa, er..."

"Shiniiiiiiii," promised the Brat.

"Heero? Are you there?"

"Yeah," I said dryly.

"I'll be home next week, and I miss you!"

"Miss you too."

"Take care of Shini and his mate, 'k? Love you!" He made a kissing noise into the phone and hung up.

I knew I could never win this battle. "It never hurts to try" my ass. It left you feeling like an idiot who can't even win against a critter fifty times smaller than you. Why did I even bother?

*~*~*

I've risked my life countless times, got stuck in the middle of a friggin war, saved the century, and prevented another fight. What do I get for all that? I get to sit in front of a bib-wearing chibi refusing to eat his broccoli. Life wasn't fair, it really wasn't.

"C'mon, Shini, you have to eat your veggies if you want those little chibis to be healthy," I told him.

A stubborn shake of his head.

"Here comes the veggie express shuttle!" I coaxed, waving around the broccoli paste (chibis are too small to try and swallow a big stalk) and trying to imitate a plane in flight.

The heero whom I've named Bramble looked at it and smirked at me, as did Shini.

I felt like an idiot. "Fine!" I bit out, dropping the special chibi spoon to glare at the heero. "You feed him!" I sat back and watched.

Bramble gave me a weird look, picked up the utensil (which still had some paste on it), and shoved it in Shini's mouth. "Ninmu kanryou," he said simply and flew off.

"Show-off..."

*~*~*

I stared at the chibiets nestled safely amongst some thick towels. So those were the little ones. The two in the makeshift nest were tiny and I couldn't help but wonder WHERE they came out of.

The proud parents stood over them protectively, Shini with a tired smile on his face.

"Congratulations."

Both of them looked at me in surprise, and I couldn't help but feel a little guilty over how negatively I've thought of them. But it was Shini's fault! I suddenly noticed that I no longer thought of him as 'it' or 'the beast' or 'the insect', but rather by his name and referring to him as 'him', like a human. I have no idea when it started, but decided it must've been when he stopped trying to drive me crazy.

I smiled at Shini for the first time I could remember. "I mean it." I held out a hand for them to hop up on.

To my surprise, Shini grabbed a finger and hugged it, rubbing his cheek against the pad. He gave me the most adorable look and grinned.

It was then that I realized: //Hey...chibis are kind of cute...//

*~*~*

Two days later, the chibiets opened their eyes and took their first look at the world. I tried not to be, but I was just as excited as Shini and Bramble.

After a day of trying to teach the chibiets to walk, we (me, Shini, and Bramble) were dead beat. I was sprawled on the couch with the two adults laying on my stomach and snoozing. I'd almost dozed off when the front door banged open and Duo's voice screamed out: "I'M HOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Before we could act, he was in the dining room and staring open-mouthed at the picture the three of us must've made. His gaze clearly said "What the hell happened around?! Last time I was here, you two were at each other's throats!"

He blinked rapidly. "Am I in the right house?" He sounded honestly confused.

The two chibis flew off of me and Shini was in Duo's arms, "shini"ing happily. I got up and embraced by bewildered koishii, promising to tell him everything as soon as I took a nice, long shower (hopefully with him) and ravished him properly.

----------------------------

Three months later~

From: A-chan of Chibi Productions (aishiteru_1x2@yahoo.com)
To: Heero Yuy-Maxwell (Wing_Zero_1@Preventors.org.earth)
Subject: Re: Contest

Dear Mr. Yuy,

We are pleased to inform you that we found your story touching and original[1]. You have just won three years worth of Chibi Productions' "ChibiFancy"[2] monthly magazine and a free trip for two (not counting chibis) to Chibi Island[3]. Congratulations!

P.S. I did not get fired reading a lemon. I got fired writing a lemon, so there!

 

~Owari

==============

*flops down on couch* Eleven pages (all in one day; I rewrote this fic several times)...longest of my single-installments.

You know, that was a lot of fun to write, but I ended up always feelings sorry for Hee-chan. ^^; I hope you enjoyed it. Notice how I didn't aim for humor as much as I did for The Complete Guide of the Chibi Duo, but more for drama.

 

[1] I wasn't praising myself (I don't think it was touching); remember, I was writing as Heero, not A-chan, and I was praising Heero.
[2] Comes from DogFancy. :)
[3] Got the idea from Reishin's adorable fic, "Chibi! Chibi! Chibi!" where the researchers buy an island.

Special thanks:
Lady Tora~for the adorable idea of the name Bramble
Lady Ravena~for the lovely title
Oreocat~for the suggestion of Shini-me, which inspired Shini
Everyone who suggested titles and names for the duo chibi~all your ideas were wonderful, and it was truly a delight to sit there and either giggle or 'WAI!' over the suggestions
1x2ML~for your endless support and encouragement
Shi-chan~for letting me murder her without complaint *whap whap* Where is GI:60?!?!? I wrote UABRS, and I STILL don't see it!
Misu~*bear-hugs her sensei* My Mi-imouto (yes, both Teacher and Little Sis--didn't I warn you guys? Members of the 1x2ml are family!)!!! Arigato for the mucho encrouragement! (not to mention thwapping me into writing faster -_-)